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Bullying child

(52 Posts)
HeLeftMe Tue 18-Apr-17 02:15:56

Apologies in advance for the length.
DS is 5. There's a boy in his reception class who is, for lack of a better word, a thug. A bully. He's violent and always has been (same parent and baby - and then toddler - groups so known him a long time). He's always pretty much been allowed to get away with murder hurting other kids. He's rude, he snatches, he strangles, scratches, bites, takes toys or snacks and if he had a broom, you can bet it would be used for stabbing or hitting before it would ever be used for sweeping. I myself have been on the end of a very painful jab to the eye whilst being told in a growl "I don't like you today!". His rather well to do parents trot out the usual excuses of "normal childhood behaviour" "pushing boundaries" "expressing emotions" "High spirited" and all that hoohah. I must state though that he does NOT have SN. The other kids in his family are very similar and I've witnessed the parents discipline (or lack thereof.)
My DS is nothing like this. I've always stuck to the belief that he should never hit back. It wouldn't help if he did. He does however have a growing collection of scars.

At least once every few weeks DS will tell me how he was strangled that day or he will lift his shirt to show me a bleeding cut where he was pinched.

I'm starting to get slightly pee'd off with the school tbh. They're on the ball when it comes to getting me to sign forms acknowledging a small fall in PE with no injury or even tears but it's DS who has to tell me about his latest strangulation or having a wet paper towel put on a walloped face. The teachers are aware of this stuff so are we parents not to know?

If it's another child hurting ours are schools supposed to keep it quiet? I figure there shouldn't be names given but should we be told anything? Something?

user1491572121 Tue 18-Apr-17 02:23:38

I would make an appointment with the head teacher to discuss this. I would not take any flannel but insist that something is done. If they um and ah too much ask to see a copy of their bullying policy.

Then, if nothing is done, tell the HT you will be writing to the governors.

Graphista Tue 18-Apr-17 02:27:03

Yes speak to the school and get this addressed by then.

But I have to say (and I'll probably get flamed for this) I don't believe in don't hit back.

Don't hit first, don't goad or bully yourself but if he hits you, you hit back! Would you just take it if you were assaulted? I wouldn't!

HeLeftMe Tue 18-Apr-17 02:33:38

I regularly speak with other parents/friends and it happens with their kids too. It's at the point now after all these years where we parents rolling our eyes at him being "at it again" and calling him you-know-who.
The staff seem to be pandering to this boy. I have to wonder if it's because his father used to be on staff there and is well known in the school and the pair of them with their friends are strongly involved with the PTA.

If the school are working to deal with the boy, should I kick up a stink? When should I say enough is enough? What would even happen?

HeLeftMe Tue 18-Apr-17 02:36:11

Graphista, I would certainly be up for a "belt him right back!" approach but with this kid, it would just make him hit back harder or tear a chunk out of mine in retaliation.

Graphista Tue 18-Apr-17 02:43:18

You might be surprised. The bully won't expect it.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Apr-17 03:13:26

By all means speak to the school. They have to manage this if children are getting hurt.

But please, please, please, don't state that a child doesn't have SEN. You don't know. The parents may not know. 5 is very young.

HeLeftMe Tue 18-Apr-17 03:29:21

I appreciate what you're saying but if this child does have SEN then the whole of his family (inc cousins) do too. The question has been asked and dismissed.
I'm more incline it's a snowflake issue.
When he wallops a child who won't get off a toy car he wants, his mommy says something along the lines of, "Oh dear are they not sharing?"

Then she has been known to actually lift the other child off the toy for her boy to get on. The poor child's mom was so shocked she, just like everyone else to afraid to confront them, said nothing.
She did stop taking her child to the toddler play sessions though when it happened too many times.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Apr-17 03:31:33

It is entirely possible to have snowflake issues AND SEN. smile

KazenoTaninoNaushika Tue 18-Apr-17 03:51:10

I feel terrible for your DS, OP (and for you as his worried parent)....what a horrendous situation shock. We can't imagine, as adults, being put in a situation where somebody regularly physically attacks us. If that happened, we would hope that all hell would break loose...I mean: police involved, criminal charges brought, court etc etc .And yet all too often we (I mean society, schools etc.) expect the most vulnerable amongst us - little kids - to put up with something we would never put up with ourselves. I'm sure other people will give you better advice on what to do but my rather useless and obvious contribution is just to say that definitely something needs to be done. It needs to be taken seriously and it needs to stop, because it must be absolutely hellish for a child to experience this. Good luck OP - I really hope it resolves itself once you've made some noise.

TheMysteriousJackelope Tue 18-Apr-17 04:22:34

I would email the teacher in writing listing the incidents and when and where they occurred - if at break or lunchtime there may have been a different staff member supervising the children. State that it is not acceptable for your child to be treated like this, that you do not understand why you aren't being notified, and ask for an appointment so that you can discuss it further.

At the meeting, again have your list. Explain that you are happy to go to the Head and the LEA if necessary to ensure the teacher is getting the support needed to supervise this boy and ask what else can you do to ensure this behavior stops (at least when it comes to your DS). Hopefully the teacher will tell you that your DS will not be hit any more, if he/she tries to brush you off, go to the Head, again with an email and follow up meeting to review the bullying policy and whether it is working with regards to the situation with your DS.

Are there parallel classes in the school? One solution would be to move your DS to another class and state that he is never to be assigned to a class with this boy in future years. I suggest you do that now if you can, before everyone else twigs that idea and moves their children first.

FairytalesAreBullshit Tue 18-Apr-17 05:07:04

I'm afraid to say our experience with bullying was, a child with a fiery Mum banned off the playground, tormented our DC for 3 to 4 years. We got nothing but empty promises and the school trying to brush it under the carpet.

In the end, although not the way I wanted it to go, DC was given permission to fight / argue back. If your school has a confidence programme, maybe they would benefit from that?

In the end the child voluntarily moved schools, the child was notorious with the whole class for being a little shit. Our DC both did First Communion, a little girl in the line to do her first confession said 'Child' will be there all night. Parents tried to keep a straight face whilst the children giggled.

I would suggest threatening them with the LA & Ofsted. They obviously don't have a good management team, if bullying isn't effectively dealt with.

LouKout Tue 18-Apr-17 05:13:49

ASD, fot example, is genetic.

So yes his whole family could have it.

OhWotIsItThisTime Tue 18-Apr-17 05:31:54

Keep a diary and record every incident. Use the anti bullying policy (it will be on the school website) and demand the school follows it. Write letters that are factual and say the effect it is having on your son.

Start with the class teacher, then head, then governors copied in.

WaitrosePigeon Tue 18-Apr-17 05:41:25

Even if he does have SN some children really are just grim this bullying behaviour can't continue.

We had this same problem with a bully when my son was in year 2. This child was eventually expelled but I always wrote every single thing down, asked to see the head continually, asked for the anti bullying policy, kept him off school here and there if I felt he wasn't safe - I made a really nuisance of myself to be honest.

I understand how you feel - some children are just not very nice. When you see the parents you know where they get it from hmm

LouKout Tue 18-Apr-17 05:43:19

Yes he may well just be grim.

People are right that you can't just state definitively a kid has no SN though

LouKout Tue 18-Apr-17 05:43:49

Good luck OP

ImpetuousBride Tue 18-Apr-17 05:48:29

Not all nasty behaviour can be excused with SEN (although it tends to be on mumsnet) and even if the child had it, his mum's reactions to encourage the bullying are inappropriate. If the school won't listen, check where you could report them for allowing your son to be bullied.

LouKout Tue 18-Apr-17 05:51:44

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/this-is-my-child-myth-1-behavioural-disorders-are-just-bad-behaviour

<hides predictable thread>

WateryTart Tue 18-Apr-17 05:58:07

The school have a responsibility to keep your child safe. Document every incident and complain every single time. They are obviously struggling to manage the child's behaviour but that isn't your problem. Complaints from parents may help them to get extra funding.

sheepashwap Tue 18-Apr-17 06:12:34

Even if the child has SN, doesn't OP's child have the right not to be harmed at school? It's not a once off, or just a few times. It's systematic.

I am totally in support of all children being taught together and also think that all children have a right to be safe at school. The school doesn't sound like it's on top of this situation.

Spikeyball Tue 18-Apr-17 06:32:42

You don't know that the child does not have sn. I know families where every child in the family has sn and families with cousins having sn.
The school have a duty of care to keep your child safe. Concentrate on that.

onwardsandbeyond Tue 18-Apr-17 06:43:38

being a mean and violent little bully doesn't necessarily mean that the child has ASD or other SN.
I have a child with ASD and learning diffs and I find these types of assumption always rather offensive.

CatTheMouse Tue 18-Apr-17 06:55:52

Why does everyone focus on the potential of SN? The OP is certain that he doesn't and yes, his whole family may have this or that condition, but realistically if that was the case a older child within the family would likely have a diagnosis and that would be more likely to lead to an early diagnosis in other children of the family. So I'm happy to believe the OP that it's probably not the case here. It's not always going to be SN. And even if he did the behaviour can't be excused.

My son has DS and if he ever tried anything like this at school I'd be right next to the other parents asking why it had happened and how future incidents could be prevented. School should be safe for all who are there.

Definitely speak to them OP and ask what can be put in place to protect your son while he is in their care.

Spikeyball Tue 18-Apr-17 06:58:12

People are saying the child may have sn not that he does have sn. My child with asd and sld hits and bites others because of being in distress and unable to communicate effectively. My child is not a violent bully.

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