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To want to find a guy who can't have children

(157 Posts)
lifesjoys Mon 17-Apr-17 22:58:32

To co parent with me, so I don't have to do it alone??

NC for this, pretty outing!

Okay bear with me guys! Not looking for flaming. Just a new FT Mum who is so very sleep deprived, desperate & on her knees!

I'm literally crying writing this!

My month old baby cries whenever he's not asleep, 15 mins & he's awake crying again.

Ive not got PND, my mental health has improved in that sense, I'm just worn out, run down & feel alone.

I've got family however they've got their own responsibilities, so can only help so hour here or there whilst I go shopping or whatever but nothing drastic.

I'm not with the father, nor does he have anything to do with our child (his choice).

I just didn't plan to be a single parent, I definitely didn't know it would be this hard & to be the time I knew I would be a single parent, I was already half way into my pregnancy!

I've even started looking at childminders for 1/2 mornings a week!

Sod it, I'm too tired to care.....flame away guys! Maybe I deserve it!

INXS Mon 17-Apr-17 23:05:14

flowers OP, it sounds so hard!

"I've even started looking at childminders for 1/2 mornings a week!" I have to ask, why do you use the word "even", as though it's a ludicrous suggestion? It's hard having a newborn, and you are on your own! Of course it's reasonable to look for help!

It's a shame your family aren't helping you more, tbh.

Good luck - it does get easier, by the way xx

Outnotdown Mon 17-Apr-17 23:09:27

Oh you poor thing, the sleep deprivation is horrendous and listening to the crying makes you insane!!! Get the childminder, if you can. You need an extra pair of hands. This stage will pass and be a distant memory soon but when you're going through it that doesn't seem possible. Also changing your baby's milk might help if you're using formula, there's lots of different things you can try but first you need to sleep so you can think straight. Good luck!!!! (And if you find a man willing to co-parent a screaming newborn, tellme wheregrin)

lifesjoys Mon 17-Apr-17 23:24:46

Oh thank you so much for the kind words & advice!!

I've changed his milk today to cow & gate comfort.

He has a dummy & I also feed him on demand (advice from HV & MW).

I only say even because when I've said to people about it before, they've given me the hmm look & said "but you don't work, you are at home, what would you do whilst he's with the childminder?? Might as well have him with you, waste of money!"

Ignoring the fact it's for my sanity & not so I can hop off to get my hair done!

I feel me & him don't have a bond solely because he's stressed & crying all the time & im stressed because he's crying all the time!

Moanyoldcow Mon 17-Apr-17 23:29:36

Have you had him checked out by a doctor? The only babies I know that screamed the whole time they were awake were suffering from silent reflux.

There will be people along to tell you trying I'd normal and of course a certain amount is, but constant crying when awake? Not normal.

I feel so bad for you - it's hell feeling like that and you are not mad trying to get a bit of rest.

Good luck with everything - nothing prepares you for it.

INXS Mon 17-Apr-17 23:30:55

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone else. I'd hazard a guess that these people have never parented a newborn in their own before?

Seriously, the baby phase made me very down, and I had more help than you do. (Hope that doesn't make you feel worse - just saying that it's bloody tough, and having people be all "pffft!" about it doesn't help!)

GaladrielsRing Mon 17-Apr-17 23:33:21

I lasted 16 days with my first when I was 22 before I ended up on my mums doorstep crying at 11 o clock at night as I hadn't slept in days.

You're doing and feeling nothing wrong! It's so hard to adjust and even harder when you're on your own.

Astro55 Mon 17-Apr-17 23:33:50

He has acid burn

Keep him head above stomach at ALL times so the acid doesn't rise to burn his throat

Tilt the mattress with a towel use cushions for naoto change

Sod doing all housework unless absolutely necessary

Ask a friend to bring some dinner over

Astro55 Mon 17-Apr-17 23:35:27

You probably notice he sleeps longer in an tilted position

Like the car seat or pram

If he's sleeps on you either sleep as well or a very quick lift and shift motion into the pram

Leave him to cry while you have a crafty coffee - needs must

Outnotdown Mon 17-Apr-17 23:37:27

I was thinking of reflux as well, which the doctor can prescribe drops for. Also I have heard that sacro cranial therapy can help with colicky babies, although you have to go to one that has trained specifically to work with infants. Its also called cranial osteopathy i think

HeddaGarbled Mon 17-Apr-17 23:50:38

You need help but a guy who can't have children is not the answer. He'll want sex and attention and all that and you haven't got the time or the energy right now.

Your baby is only a month old. It's hell right now but this will pass. Trust me, this will get better.

A childminder is a brilliant idea if you can afford it. You don't need to go to the hairdresser to justify it - you could just sleep. Sod what everyone thinks and says - I bet they weren't doing this on their own. You don't need anyone's permission or approval. One of the upsides of being a single parent is that you can make your own decisions and don't have to compromise.

Don't worry about the bond right now, just concentrate on getting you both through the days and nights alive and intact. I felt a glimmer of hope at about 6 weeks and properly OK at about 6 months but everyone's different and everyone's babies are different so your timeline will be your own.

Astro55 Mon 17-Apr-17 23:58:14

I'd agree it's difficult to bond with a constantly screaming child it really is.

It will pass and gets easier you will click with the baby

sadsquid Tue 18-Apr-17 00:00:28

Oh bless you, you are in the absolute shittest hardest bit right now. Baby's been here long enough for you to rack up a serious load of sleep deprivation, and you haven't yet hit the point when they start sleeping for longer periods. Doing this by yourself has got to be utterly gruelling but it won't be like this forever, I promise. Is your health visitor nice and helpful? You could talk to them about the constant crying, see if they have any advice.

lifesjoys Tue 18-Apr-17 00:01:05

I questioned reflux too but my brother had it as a baby & my baby isn't anywhere near as bad as he was.

He doesn't cry when having his bottle
He doesn't really throw up, more spit.
My mum thinks it's colic rather than reflux.
He's currently asleep on my chest, it's the only place he will sleep soundly, will only wake for a feed or happy change.

I love him with all my heart, I really do.
I just can't cope with the sleepless nights. Everyday feels like Groundhog Day.

If I put him in his cot he will wake within minutes & scream (no build up, he literally just goes from asleep to screaming in seconds).

lifesjoys Tue 18-Apr-17 00:05:58

My HV, very surprisingly, is absolutely lovely! I'm seeing her in may but was taking him to be weighed on Thursday.

I was worried about telling them as an petrified they'll think I can't cope (I can't) & call SS.

MakeItRain Tue 18-Apr-17 00:07:22

Silent reflux is different to reflux. The babies bring acid up rather than sick. My children had it and it was awful. My dd especially would feed for England but would be screaming and arching her back soon after dropping off. The only thing that would soothe her was more milk. Then the cycle would begin again. Your doctor can prescribe medicines that can make a huge difference. Definitely get it checked out. flowers

SovietKitsch Tue 18-Apr-17 00:08:47

Have you thought about cows milk protein allergy? The two babies I have known like this both had it. Might be worth discussing with your GP?

Coastalcommand Tue 18-Apr-17 00:10:48

Have you tried cosleeping following safe sleep guidelines? It's saved my sanity.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 18-Apr-17 00:16:23

DS1 had colic when he was about 3 weeks old. I thought I was going to die with sleep deprivation and the upset at not being able to soothe him. I was his MUM, fgs, I should KNOW what to do! Thank God for my lovely, calm mum who was able to get me through those rough weeks!

An upset baby and an upset mum are a vicious cycle. You're upset because your baby is upset, baby gets upset because he senses Mummy is upset. You need to be able to break the cycle.

I'm going to assume you've taken him to the GP and he's been given an 'all's well'. Now, I know you've said your family is 'busy' but I think you need to really speak frankly with them and explain that you are not coping and need help. Ask one of them to spend the night with you or spend the day to help you. My mum took DS1 to her home for about 6 hours when he had colic so that I could sleep and calm myself. Just that little break and Mum's reassurance made a world of difference, to both of us.

MakeItRain Tue 18-Apr-17 00:16:32

BTW my health visitor was a very nice lady but with this she was useless. She told me I was overfeeding my dd and giving her tummy ache, and that I should leave her to cry. It was only after a few months of what seemed like sheer sleep deprived hell that I finally took her to the doctor and said this just isn't right. He diagnosed silent reflux and initially gave her gaviscon. She slept 5 hours in a stretch after weeks of 40 min naps interspersed with screaming day and night. It was a juggle with medicines after that and it was never perfect but it was a life-saver getting her diagnosed. I remember the endless horrific nights. It's so horrible. Hope you find an answer flowers

scoobydoo1971 Tue 18-Apr-17 00:16:33

My eldest screamed for weeks as a newborn, and I honestly thought I would end up in a padded cell. He had jaundice from me (breast-feeding with Gilbert's syndrome) and would never sleep unless I held him all night long. The wonder cure for us was Infacol which you can buy from a chemist, and a rocking chair that I would sit in to get him to sleep. Someone recommended infacol and I was cynical, but it worked and gave me sleep at last so perhaps try that. Ask your HV for help, they won't report you to SS. They are there to open doors to support services and can point you in the right direction of local groups to help you through a difficult time.

lifesjoys Tue 18-Apr-17 00:19:20

How do I co sleep safely??

My brother has a cows milk protein allergy.

I've got my DS on cow & gate comfort for colic & constipation, which has reduced lactose, I only changed it today.

My baby will fall asleep after a bottle, sometimes uses it to get himself off to sleep.

All the other times he just screams & roots.

NabobsFromNobHill Tue 18-Apr-17 00:20:17

Can people stop diagnosing a baby they haven't seen with various things? It's completely irresponsible to act like keyboard dr's.

Maryann1975 Tue 18-Apr-17 00:22:50

Honestly, I don't think there is anything to judge about your situation. You aren't in this situation through choice and I know how hard it must be for you. My son was never happy, he cried a lot, for no apparent reason, he just never really settled. Dh was in the military and away a lot over he first months so I was on my own, no family nearby. I coped because he was there sometimes, but you are on your own all the time. The equivalent to dh having the baby so you can get a break is sending your dc to the childminder. It's no different to what other people do, but they use the baby's df rather than childcare. Book the cm, and use the time for getting a break. Go home, have a bath/nap/rest and then pick your baby up knowing you can be a better parent for the rest of the day because you are well rested.
Anyone who comments negatively obviously had help from their dh/family when their own babies were small otherwise they would understand how hard it is for you.

lifesjoys Tue 18-Apr-17 00:23:56

Took him to out of hours last week solely because he screamed for 12 hours with minutes in told me he wasn't in pain (he wasn't crying when I took him in), said he was just a cry-y baby hmm

I now spend my life on here because well.....I don't actually have a life anymore....I don't even think I have a name! I'm just Mummy.

Didn't realise I'd feel so disconnected with my own identity! sad

Il have to ring the HV tomorrow, if he has got reflux then it needs to be treated.

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