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AIBU re DP's 'friend'

(73 Posts)
battgirlatheart Mon 17-Apr-17 20:47:19

Please give opinions on this as I'm told I'm very unreasonable.
DP has a friend. More of a mate to be honest. They are now in their forties and first met early 20s at work.
When DP got with his now ex wife and was with her for 11 years the mate wasn't on the scene classic lost touch etc etc
Made friends again in recent years via fb.
Friend lives 200 miles away.
I met friend and his woman quite early in our relationship. Right away she spent the whole evening going on about how much money she had made a massive deal. Got drunk very quickly was very loud and quite embarrassing and had to pulled away from trying to wrench my handbag off me because she liked it and thought she should have it!
My DP says friend has issues with her drinking and behaviour.
I think she had issues about money as DP had told his mate I lived in a big house etc which is not because I have money but needed as my child is disabled from birth negligence.
Despite this I offered and suggested they were welcome to come stay and we could go into London etc as in outskirts and the lads could go play golf.
They never came despite me asking DP to invite them and suggesting we go visit them (would stay in hotel) as I had friends in same area too but nothing.
Fast forward six months and I plan DP 40th.
First people I messaged was this mate to say in four months time it's his birthday do you think you could come down. I was thinking surprise party but few weeks later decided to have a lovely weekend in London.
I said I would pay for hotel meals theatre they just needed to get here and pay for drinks and their spends at casino.
I asked a few times he kept saying he has to sort work so this was causing me not to be able to book till two weeks before and more fobbing off I just booked for me and DP.
Had a lovely weekend but then this mate and his woman launched as to what I can only describe as a bitch fest at me on fb neither had befriended me but on his page etc
People noticed I was upset and I explained about how his mate had let him down and not replied to even say sorry work etc can't make it.
At this point friend lied through his teeth claimed I had never even invited him. Luckily I still had the messages on fb so could prove I had and mate had acknowledged.
This caused massive issue as mate made up other lies as to what I had said claimed I must have deleted messages but refused to screenshot things to show my DP
DP believed him jumped down my throats was very nasty and hurtful to me and took me hours to point out mate was lying and get him to believe me
DP thinks I should just get over this says it's all my fault that I am driving his friends away wtf??
He has many issues with strange thinking like this.
He thinks I should hold no hurt
He thinks he shouldn't have to call out friend for lying to him and about me
He thinks I am being unreasonable
I think he is
He thinks you should let people hurt you but brush it aside not let it get to you which is ironic as he hasn't spoken to his own mother in ten years as when divorced his dad wanted fair share of house and had the decency to wait till DP moved out!
I think brushing things aside just means you're a walk over and setting yourself up for more hurtful behaviour. Weirdly he's very vocal about my friends and how they act.
AIBU or is he?
Stupid thing is he rants that we live on a golf course it would be ideal for mate to come stay and they play and I'm even now happy to let that happen I just think an apology would be kind but friend wouldn't do this as he's not that type
Sorry for long story didn't wish to drip feed.

Shylo Mon 17-Apr-17 20:52:22

I think if my partners first reaction was to assume I was the liar and that a friend was telling the truth, I'd be showing my partner the door ......

Pettywoman Mon 17-Apr-17 20:54:28

Dump the whole sorry lot of them. How childish they are!

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 17-Apr-17 20:54:31

I think your DP is an arsehole so it's unsurprising that his friends are.

Why the hell you would engage on FB and be showing people messages and screen-shoting things is beyond me. "DP, if you don't believe me and think I'm a liar then I will be thinking seriously about the future of this relationship". Then disengage totally.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Mon 17-Apr-17 20:54:54

Exactly what @Shylo said

Nanny0gg Mon 17-Apr-17 20:56:36

If you now let him come and stay I think you might be a mug...

And why have you let your DP treat you so badly?

CMamaof4 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:57:52

How is he still your partner? I would get rid of him if I were you.
To not believe you and let his friend treat you like that, That is disgusting.

LemonSqueezy0 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:01:08

Your DP sounds very hard work. If you have to spend ages convincing someone you're in a relationship with that you're not a liar, horrible person etc, you'd do well to rethink the relationship.

anotherpoisonprince Mon 17-Apr-17 21:02:57

I think you know YANBU.
Your DP sounds like a twat to put it mildly.

Elland Mon 17-Apr-17 21:03:47

Sounds like your DP doesn't even deserve the time you put in to writing this post, never mind a fantastic time for his birthday or your time, effort and love on real life.

HeyRoly Mon 17-Apr-17 21:06:24

100% what Shylo said.

His instinct was to trust his mate over your totally reasonable and believable story.

Loving, respectful partners don't do that.

He's revealed a massive flaw in his feelings towards you. I don't think that's recoverable.

TheUpsideDown Mon 17-Apr-17 21:08:05

I agree. If you allow people to treat you like a doormat thats exactly what they'll do. You proved you weren't lying, his friend shkuld apologise. I'd be livid if my DH tried to arrange a nice birthday surprise for me with my friends, but my friends messed him around and then claimed he was a liar and essentially tried to cause grief in my rekationship instead of just owning up and saying sorry... they wouldn't be my friends for much longer unless they acknowledged how unfair they'd been, how much aggro they caused and offered a genujne apology.

Your DP should have believed you. What a slap on the face.

ChasedByBees Mon 17-Apr-17 21:08:42

Ditch your 'D'P. He sounds awful. It also sounds a bit like they think they're entitled to the things you have.

Emmageddon Mon 17-Apr-17 21:19:03

Dump the lot of them and walk away fast, your partner is a childish fool and his friend and girlfriend sound like a pair of obnoxious idiots. Don't spend your life trying to get horrid people to like you. Find more worthwhile friends and a better partner.

KungFuEric Mon 17-Apr-17 21:21:14

Your dp sounds unpleasant.

I'm not keen on the use of 'his woman' to describe a partner though, even if they are a bunch of twats.

Lynnm63 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:31:56

YANBU. If my dp didn't believe me in these circumstances it'd be a deal breaker.

Starlighter Mon 17-Apr-17 21:34:37

They all sound awful! Why are you bothering with any of them, DP included?!

Mulberry72 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:37:56

Your DP sounds as childish as his ridiculous friends.

It would also be a deal breaker for me that he believed his twattish mate over me too!

anotherpoisonprince Mon 17-Apr-17 21:38:02

Also calling someone 'his woman' is wrong.
You are welcome.

Giraffey1 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:40:24

For starters I'd be having nothing more to do with your DP's rare dubious friend and partner. And then I'd be having serious discussions with DP about your relationship and how it is going. Where if he doesn't buck his ideas up

battgirlatheart Mon 17-Apr-17 21:49:54

Thank you everyone
This is the tip of the iceberg
The very tip of two years super strange things like this.
Massive melt downs over me meeting a female friend she was also hurt by this went on for six months
Couldn't tell me he loved me despite him leading me to admit my feelings
Said he knew he loved me why should he have to tell me shock
Never a compliment
Refuses to hold hands or even try sometimes
I was gutted at xmas 2015 we went to a xmas do I spent ages getting ready all the other guys said I looked lovely he said my hair looked big no compliment
I put my photo up from that night he finally said I was wrong you looked lovely this is 16 months later lol
His ex wife is so controlling and that's not my lone opinion.
She left him for someone else had a baby six years apart when we met.
She kicked off he had met someone
Wouldn't let me go along to watch son play football literally banned me
wont conversate with me
Puts me down about my disabled special needs child
Won't let us take son on holiday
Won't let us help with childcare on holidays
Asks personal questions about my medications about who pays my bills
Dictated she would do divorce then has spun it out for a year
Then refused to accept he lives here and put that address on it despite being pointed out and he answers all these questions and says I'm obsessed by her when I get upset and say I think she needs to be told firmly and fairly.
Latest questions were as son who is nine heard us talk in passing about deleted text messages he relayed this to mum wgobrung up and questioned him about it. I mean really why should we have to answer questions like that.
It's a nightmare
We are currently apart
Now arguing over engagement ring
Purchased in Dubai by me on the understanding he would pay me back
He's paid half
It's worth on paper three times what we paid after valuation
He thinks he shouldn't have to pay me back but I should sell the ring as it's not fair he should pay me back and I keel the ring.
He paid for the ex ring and didn't request it be sold on ending of relationship despite her leaving him 80k in debt!!
Don't get me started on no joint account for household things even basic one
He's infrequently given me sixty quid a week for living here and claims he shouldn't have to as I put it in a pot for spendies for future holidays
I fund the car at 250 a month he drives
I've paid for five holidays four long haul in two years
I've moved fifty miles to be close to him uprooted kids etc so he could stay close to his dad and son
Everything is paid for and provided.
I pay for most things even days out with his son
He's never even taken me to a travelodge for a night
I'm a mug
I know
He thinks I'm not
I strongly believe he is on the autistic spectrum but he claims he doesn't wish to be labelled and put in a box
He's either autistic or just plain selfish and hurtful
First year he would spend all dates and evenings together chatting with needy female friend
And I found out he was flirting with a girl 16 years younger he was seeing before me
And he threatened to kill himself if I didn't terminate our baby
I know I know I know I must be desperate eh!

Spadequeen Mon 17-Apr-17 21:55:58

I'll tell you what he is. He's a twat.

Why on earth are you with him. Kick him out. He's never going to change. Ever. This relationship is going nowhere. Get rid.

Foslady Mon 17-Apr-17 21:57:12

Oh dear Lord - dump him! He brings nothing to enrich either you or your dc's life. Dump, delete and block (and get back any keys!)

Rainbowqueeen Mon 17-Apr-17 21:58:45

Sweetheart you do need to leave him
It sounds like you need some RL support to help this happen. Counselling may help. Can you speak to one of your friends and ask for their support
You sound lovely and worthy of so much more
The freedom programme might be a good idea

happypoobum Mon 17-Apr-17 21:58:46

He is taking you for a mug, sorry sad

Dump him and don't give him a backwards glance. He has used you and you sound lovely, but you have seen the light so time to move on flowers

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