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To not go do my df's anymore

(12 Posts)
glitterglitters Mon 17-Apr-17 18:56:24

Just been to see my df today. He lives with his partner.

She has recently been diagnosed with a smoking related illness and is on oxygen for 14 hours a day. My dad smokes a pipe.
Her illness is incurable but can still mean a long life.

My dm died a long, painful, horrendous death from smoking related diseases. I watched her deteriorate for ten years.

Obviously this is going to make it a bit of an issue for me, dsis, db etc.

His partner has quit previously (for a couple of years) then restarted again because "life is too short" hmm

She has been in hospital this year and almost died due to smoking. I went over today and she has started smoking again after not smoking for four months. It was only after she quit I started to take my toddler to their house because it stinks of cigarettes and you couldn't breathe.

I'm 8 months pregnant and have a 22 month old. They building they live in harbours smoke and the smell. I felt physically sick to my stomach whilst there today and I do not want to take my children back there if they are going to continue to smoke.

I would never stop them smoking as it is their house but I equally don't see why I should inflict it on my children.

My dad has said he can no longer get about (I reckon this is half true and half just cba. He's already making excuses that he cba to go to his gd's wedding this year because it's "too much effort") so it's literally take my children to there or he won't see them at all.

Dh doesn't want them going there, and last time I raised the subject about not going there to him, because of the smoking, he gave me a lecture about "crossing the road being just as dangerous blah blah blah weak modern generation". I snapped back saying "my children, my decision" and left it at that. He does like an argument for the sake of an argument.

Aibu to refuse to take the children back there (born or not)? It feels a little bit tit for tat but I'm fed up of bending over backwards for him and her.

MaisyPops Mon 17-Apr-17 19:00:12

I can see both sides.

Could you visit alone when youre not pregnant?
I worry youll regret not seeing him when the time comes and he passes.

Coukd you arrange to pick him up and you go somewhere? That way he can smoke outside and you dont expose the children?

glitterglitters Mon 17-Apr-17 19:00:34

Full disclosure for context, I'm an ex smoker too. I stopped 5 years ago so understand how hard it is to quit.

Pinkheart5915 Mon 17-Apr-17 19:02:05

I wouldn't take my child to a smoke filled house , children should not need to exposed to smoke. I've no issue with smokers unless they are doing it in the room my child is in.

Yanbu

glitterglitters Mon 17-Apr-17 19:02:08

Thanks for replying maisypops. That's what I used to do ( go by myself) but they got arsey about not seeing my dd.

Tried the neutral area many times but we can't even get him to the pub next door.

Teabagtits Mon 17-Apr-17 19:06:57

I have a similar problem with my 85yo grandfather. When I was first pregnant and dd as tiny he'd go out the back door to smoke when we visited but lately he stands in his kitchen without any doors or windows open. There are no walls between his kitchen and living room so the smoke just comes through. I'm due no2 soon and I don't want to take children into this environment BUT I'm his main carer and if I don't go no one else will.

Sorry OP I have no answers but I understand what a predicament it can be.

ohfourfoxache Mon 17-Apr-17 19:14:00

Yanbu at all op

teainbed Mon 17-Apr-17 19:19:02

YANBU at all but even more dangerous is smoking if DFs partner has home oxygen. I wouldn't dare enter a house where a smoker was using an oxygen cylinder or concentrator. Have a Google to see the risks.

glitterglitters Mon 17-Apr-17 19:23:32

Oh believe me I know! Dniece works in respiratory health and said to keep our eyes open for a gas explosion on the news if she started up again. 🙈

MaisyPops Mon 17-Apr-17 19:26:33

It sounds like youre being more than reasonable OP.

I think youll just have to be firm of 'you caj see me at home or you can see me and the kids out of the home'. Ultimately they have to make a choice what matters more to them:smoke or family.

Main thing is whatever they choose you keep seeing them on your own and always offer the neutral visit.

glitterglitters Mon 17-Apr-17 19:32:35

I think that's pretty much the plan. They've also got an excitable dog who nips and it's just too much to handle really. It's so frustrating though because it really feels like df doesn't care. 😞

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 17-Apr-17 19:39:36

They are adults, they have made their choices. You are an adult and you can make yours. YANBU.

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