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AIBU to not want to make amends..

(83 Posts)
PurpleDove Mon 17-Apr-17 18:14:36

I will try and keep this relatively short and fill in what I think is required.

DH and I have been married just under a year and decided to elope. Numerous reasons, financially we don't have a lot between us, he had a cancer scare which thankfully turned out fine but will need some surgery in the next year and we both felt the marriage was far more important than the actual "wedding day". So we had no one attend apart from two witnesses unknown to us. His family were cool, relaxed and supportive about the whole idea as were friends and unfortunately only a couple of family members my side.
My mum, my sister and brother were both extremely angry and upset and made sure we knew. We were aware it would probably cause hurt to some but tried to explain our reasons that if we didn't do it this way we probably would never "get married". The wedding idea does not suit either of us.
My DB point blanked refused to speak with me and only contacted me to say I was no longer part of the family, I am incredibly selfish not to include anyone and all I think about is myself (he's single). My DS remained quiet but had a few things to say behind our back. She has also from day one of meeting my now husband has been fairly judgemental. Questioning why I chose him, I spend too much time with him, I drink too much with him (we had a few crazy couple months together going on holiday, vineyards but nothing of a daily worrying alcohol abuse nature!) enough for my parents to have tried to reassure my partner and I that they will come round (this was before we got married). I am still unsure exactly why and what it is they dislike so much about my choice of partner and relationship. He is truly an amazing man.

I left them be and discovered we were pregnant late last year which I wanted to reach out and share the news, with a response from my sister that it was my terrible news to share and my brother that "he doesn't care because I don't respect his feelings or my mothers".

At this point I had enough. It was stressing me out how unsupportive and critical they have been from the very beginning and seeing my husband baffled to why he is not liked or cared for.

The past 5 months have been lovely. We have focused on each other and our now growing family without the dread of my siblings reactions. I am still in contact with DM but it's far more limited than what it used to be.
Last week both my DB and DS reached out to meet up and "discuss" everything and put it behind us. I'm not ready, I was enjoying the peace and realised how angry I feel towards everything not to hold my tongue. My DS wouldn't take that as an answer and harassed in every way possible to ask why I won't meet up and I'm being incredibly unreasonable (Instagram, fb, text, call, Pinterest and even got hold of my work email!) As of today I haven't heard from her but my Dad and Step mother have reached out that I must make amends, life is too short and I am depriving my unborn child of an Uncle and Auntie.

Sorry it's incredible long.

So AIBU to just not want to make amends right now? I didn't imagine I would before the baby is here nor straight after either. I hadn't thought when I would but possibly when I can speak about them without feeling angry about everything. I let a lot of things go at the beginning.
Also, how would I put this across to my parents without it causing a strain on the relationship there.

Thank you

yellowfrog Mon 17-Apr-17 18:17:46

Blinking heck, what is their problem?! Have you asked your dad and step mum what it is they think you should be making amends for?

Dogivemeabreak Mon 17-Apr-17 18:23:18

Tell your brother and sister that it's not all about them. That you're still very angry with them and right now your not willing to meet them and that the more they harass you the less your inclined to meet them and that that you're not going be bullied into meeting them.

LadyPW Mon 17-Apr-17 18:23:37

You must make amends? You? hmm
Did they tell you that on April 1st?
Either ignore them or write to them - that way you'll be able to hold back on the anger (or go back & delete some before sending!). But given your sister's attitude it doesn't sound like she's planning on being the apologetic one!

Trifleorbust Mon 17-Apr-17 18:26:13

Make amends - path. They sound like a gang of twats, OP. You haven't done anything wrong. Let them know you will be ready to listen when they are ready with an apology.

Cynara Mon 17-Apr-17 18:27:07

I really couldn't be bothered with all this drama, and everyone "reaching out" to everyone else to try to make them do stuff. Just concentrate on your partner and the baby and let your family get on with their strops and dramas without you.

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 17-Apr-17 18:27:32

YANBU in your shoes I'd be tempted to tell your Dad and Stepmum that you're trying to keep the pregnancy stress free and the fact that they are harassing you over this means you don't feel its the best time to deal with their previous behaviour. If she could help them see that the best thing for you and the grandchild is to wait until after the birth to deal with it.

YouTheCat Mon 17-Apr-17 18:28:56

Just ignore them Sounds like your life is much more serene without them.

SayNoToCarrots Mon 17-Apr-17 18:30:02

What the fuck is wrong with your siblings? How the hell is your wedding something they are entitled to sulk about?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 17-Apr-17 18:33:47

Def assume they are all on drugs and ignore. .
Enjoy your pregnancy and new baby. .
When the time is right for YOU to accept THEIR apology you will know.
Until then ignore ignore ignore.

Honeybee79 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:33:48

Wow. Your family are bloody selfish and unreasonable. Just tell them directly that you're not ready to talk to them yet and that their behaviour over previous months has hurt you hugely. You will make contact when you are ready and in the interim please leave you alone.

Sounds like it was all much better when they were ignoring you!

Mysterycat23 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:34:13

What on earth? Is there a history of your siblings treating you this way? They should be happy for you and supporting you.

Congratulations btw!

ivykaty44 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:36:33

Everything needs to be on your dB terms otherwise he throws his dolly out the pram

Your wedding, he didn't like it so has shut you out

Your pregnancy, he didn't like and has said so

He wants to now meet so harasses you, harnesses your dad and step mum to get them on side

I would let him know you are not able to meet nose as you are not able to deal with him, if he can give you 12 months you will consider a meeting next Easter.

These are your terms, if he can agree that your terms then he may be ready to talk to. If he objects what's the point?

Chloe84 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:38:01

Sounds like they've realised baby will be here soon and want to be involved.

How were they as siblings before elopegate?

Dumbo412 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:38:39

Tell them to fuck off.
It sounds very much like you have had a lucky escape. They sound like so much drama!

CigarsofthePharoahs Mon 17-Apr-17 18:39:48

I have to admit if one of my siblings had got married and I wasn't invited I'd be hurt.
Then I'd get over myself, realize that its not about me, but what they wanted.
I'd probably throw them a little party.
Your family sound very self obsessed. In your position I'd keep ignoring if you can.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 17-Apr-17 18:42:36

I'd just message them all telling them that, when they are ready to apologise for making your wedding all about them you will think about accepting it and 'moving forward'.

Then radio silence. See how they like knowing you know they are in the wrong.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt Mon 17-Apr-17 18:42:41

Christ, they sound hard work, OP. Perfectly reasonable to tell them all to shove it.

Bluntness100 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:43:35

Is there something more going on here, a religious or cultural element op? For your brother to be acting as head of family, to cut you out over your wedding, would indicate there is either a religious or cultural backdrop or , I'm sorry, your family is nuts.

PurpleDove Mon 17-Apr-17 18:45:42

Before the elopement they were both quite critical.
In how I spent my time, I didn't want to attend every family get together (think random dinners not parties!) because I knew I had met someone very special with my husband. I worked and still do very long hours and wanted it spent with him, along with friends and his family. A lot of little time to divide.

A lot of other remarks and comments before which I let slide.

I just don't know how I am meant to address this to both sets of parents with being listened to, respected and not blamed for tearing the family apart.

PurpleDove Mon 17-Apr-17 18:47:16

I agree with the baby's arrival coming. I really disliked being told I am depriving them of that role.

No religious or cultural back drop either..

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 17-Apr-17 18:48:41

But you aren't tearing the family apart or depriving them of anything - they are doing that all by themselves!

Chloe84 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:49:11

Do you think you could set clear boundaries as a condition of patching things up? Or are they likely to step all over them?

Bluntness100 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:49:53

Sorry op, they are too hard work for me. Your brother is acting as if he is head of family and gets to decide. All very strange. Personally I'd go low contact. Explain to them how hurt you are and when they feel they are ready to apologise to let you know.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:52:14

I just don't know how I am meant to address this to both sets of parents with being listened to, respected and not blamed for tearing the family apart.

You don't. Because they won't. And they'll continue to blame you because they love the drama.

"The dogs bark but the caravan passes on". Ignore them and enjoy this very special time in your life. It sounds like you've married in to a lovely family and they'll be there for you and your baby.

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