Arghhh, Inlaws.....AIBU?!(159 Posts)
This is going to be long and probably ranty- apologies in advance, I just need to vent.
Back story- DH and I have been together 5 years. Got married last summer, all is good and we're happy. We met when he got transferred to another office within his firm, originally he is from a city/ county roughly 2-2.5 hours drive away (traffic dependant)
I've always struggled a little with my inlaws as they are a really, really close family and I sometimes find them a bit intense and oppressive. I'm a bit of an introvert and have to really be at ease with someone and really enjoy their company in order to enjoy being around them for long periods of time. This, unfortunately doesn't extend to my inlaws. It took me 3 years to actually admit this to DH and, naturally, although he saw my POV, he didn't really share it as he enjoys being close to them and spending lots of time with them. That's fair enough and I have always encouraged DH to make regular (every 5-6 weeks) visits back to his home town to visit his friends and family. 50% of the time I go back with him, but the other times just leave him to go alone and catch up with everyone without me there.
I get on with his parents really well on the whole and they have mostly been friendly, welcoming and pleasant. His mum unfortunately does have a 'side' to her which he has told me to watch out for. There have been a few barbed/ nasty comments over the years that I have just ignored and let go as I can't be bothered with a fuss. He has heard some of these comments though and as a result has stopped speaking to his mum for a few days until he calms down etc, then all is forgiven, fine.
DH has one other brother (who now lives overseas for work, who is absolutely lovely) and a sister. I have honestly tried so hard with her over the last 5 years, I've taken an avid interest in her life, invited her out to lunch/ dinner/ out for drinks to try and get to know her one on one, all of these invitations have been rejected. When I see her she just will not speak to me, doesn't acknowledge me, won't be in a room alone with me etc etc. She's rude, self obsessed and in 5 years has honestly never enquired into me or my life. She didn't attend my hen weekend (fine, I get she may not have wanted to come but her excuse was...well lame at best and she just couldn't be arsed to hide it) She cried at our wedding and threw a strop (not happy tears) She constantly demands things of DH even though she has a husband who can do things for her and mind lives 2 hours away! Unfortunately my DH and her are very close and he (and my PIL) think the sun shines out of her backside, despite all of the above. He admits that she's off with me etc but says he doesn't understand why as she's never slagged me off to him and if she didn't like me, she'd have mentioned something to him. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, it's case closed and that's that.
Now this is my problem..... Both MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband and her 2 young children seem to be constantly coming to visit and staying for days on end.
We hosted Christmas at ours this year for the first time ever and all 6 of them came to stay...for 4 days. His sister literally didn't even manage a hello throughout the whole 4 days, let alone anything else and yet I ran around like a blue arsed fly trying to accommodate her and her family's many demands.
Last month they came to stay for a weekend and yet again the same thing, except both MIL and SIL were rude over the weekend and I was fuming when they left.
Fast forward to today and they've literally all just left after spending Easter here and their departure honestly couldn't come quick enough. I am exhausted from hosting and putting up with SIL's rude, shitty behaviour towards me yet again. It had actually pained me to be polite to her this time. She expects all the attention to be on her and her 2 DC at all times and my god, if it isn't she's not happy. My DH must constantly fawn over his niece and nephew and basically act like a second father to them at all times, otherwise he gets short, sharp stares from SIL and a lecture from MIL about how he doesn't get to see them that often as 'he's chosen to move away' and 'he's missing out on their lives' Errr, he sees them about 10 x a year and is constantly kept in the loop re them by SIL, who insists on phoning him every 2 days for a half hour chat and update on them!!
DH has just come in and said that they have ALREADY suggested their next trip up......5 days in July. I'm afraid I have just lost it and said I just can't cope with them visiting again in July. His response was 'Well what am I going to tell them, it's going to be awkward to say you don't want them up here'
AIBU to not fucking care what he says to them, just to tell them NO?!
AIBU to, at this point in time wish I'd married someone who wasn't so pussy whipped by his mum and sister and wish that he actually didn't want them to visit all the time?!
Admittedly, this year seems to be more visits than normal, but how many visits is 'normal' How often do your IL's all come to stay? How can you say no to it without looking like a C U Next Tuesday?! And what is their obsession with wanting to visit all the time? And what is their obsession with my husband being a father figure to his niece and nephew? When they already have a perfectly nice father? Is that normal?
I just feel so fed up.
What does your DH do when they come up to stay? Does he do all the work involved in hosting his family?
Your dh ibu to expect you to host these rude relatives of his imo. .
He is obliged by vows to make you happy and put your feelings first.
Remind him of this. .
Then tell him he is welcome to go visit them whenever he likes but the hotel of you +him is closed.
Sounds bloody costly never mind stressful to have them stay!!
Or book yourself a week away in July and leave him to entertain the lot of them.
He does a fair bit yes, only because initially it was me doing it all and I just had enough and said I found their visits draining due to the fact it was so much work getting prepared for them etc. This ISNT why I find them draining, well it was partly, but it's more to do with the fact I just don't have anything in common with ILs and although nice enough people (SIL notwithstanding) I find spending lots of time with them exhausting. However, due to the fact he thought that was the reason, he stepped up more and now does do more in fairness.
Tell dh that they can come if he insists, but you won't be there when they do. Any good spa hotels near you op?
I sympathise as I'm in a similar situation but mine live 10 mins away. They have been at our house every day for the last 2 weeks. Prior to that, it's at least 3 times a week. I feel like I am co-parenting they are over here that much. I snapped today and I invited my family around for a change. I'm sorry I can't offer advice as I'm struggling to know how to handle the situation myself. They are nice people but I'm also an introvert and I just cant stand the daily chit chat. Watching with interest! I hope you get it sorted. Your SILs behaviour alone would have me shaking my DH's head. How can he not see that how she is behaving is obnoxious?
Find your back bone and be assertive, you shouldn't be treated like that .
No it's not convenient for them to visit for 5 days in July.
We don't want to make plans in advance and we're fed up with the way SiL dominates and treats User when you're here.
See what they say to that.
Can you go on a trip away maybe? Do something you enjoy but DH doesn't and leave it all up to him?
I don't think YABU but at the same time they don't sound horrendous just a bit hard work!
I would tell him that no way is his sister coming into your home again till she can be civil and polite. Surely he can see that being in your home for 4 days and not talking to you is unacceptable. Do not entertain them again till this has been sorted.
My PIL never come to stay, and I have not been to their house in 5 years. Dh goes on his own and about once a year they drive 3 hours to have lunch with us. It is a second marriage for both of us, and we do not have the same expectations that we did in our first marriages that extended family become part of the package.
But I have tried making myself scarce before when they've desecned and MIL started muttering 'How rude' and 'You would've known how lovely our day was if you'd have been here too' type comments, so I then felt I had to start being there the whole time.
I just feel like I'm trapped tbh. I am, and have been for the last 5 years so desperate not to upset the apple cart, hence why I've always made an effort with SIL, despite her being a rude cow and why I've never moaned about them visiting or denied them visiting etc. But I just feel like I've had enough
DH gets on well with my family, but I am always really conscious of the fact that he won't love them as much as I do, so TBH, I only really 'inflict' my family on him for an evening every couple of months. And that's all it is, just meeting up for lunch or dinner etc. Unfortunately, due to the distance, I can't just do this with IL's. It always has to be extended 3-5 day stays and I just can't bare it.
Does your SIL really come to stay with you for 5 days and not say anything to you? How does that work? You open the door to her and she walks in without saying anything?????
You will have to upset the apple cart st some point or tolerate being treated as an unwanted spare part in this family dynamic where SiL rules the roost.
Be assertive and stand up for yourself, I know it's easier said than done but do you really want to carry on feeling like this.
Yes. No word of a lie. She will throw out a petulant, scowling hello if she has to, and then that really is it. She will literally not say one other word to me unless she has to for the rest of the duration. She has various tactics in place for this. If we end up in the same room, she will either ensure there are other people in the room with us and engage in conversation with them, but never me, or, if shock horror we end up in a room alone together, she will either just walk out, or if her DD or DS (both toddler age) happen to be in the room too and not with their dad, she'll totally busy herself talking to/ playing with them so that she doesn't have to talk to me. She'll do this until someone else walks into the room, then she'll start talking to them.
'Well what am i going to say to them'
It's his problem quite frankly. Well done on putting your foot down. You need some phrases to repeat, something like 'i don't know i'm afraid, but i am no longer prepared to put up with being treated rudely in my own home, so i suggest you think of something'
It amazes me how common it is for men to have these rude and difficult families and how they then get all affronted with the women in their lives when they refuse to do the emotional labour of dealing with them.
Don't have them to stay at your house. DH can visit his family or host at your house when you're away with your family or friends. Life is too short to waste time with people you don't enjoy the company of.
What does she say when you give her a drink or some food?
No op it's their turn to host! Simple as. You tell your dh it's their turn and you await an invite.
Tell your dh love to see them
All but you arnt hosting as it's their turn. Keep saying it.
End of. And his sister is jealous of you love.
What would your SIL say if you invited yourselves down to her for a few days.
Why don't you get doormat tattooed on your forehead and be done with it....I'm sorry but I get so frustrated at these type of threads ,where it's clear the op is being shat on from a great height ,but puts up with it..it just makes me mad...don't ever host the rude fuckers again....if yr dh insists on them coming,book in to a hotel for the whole time and let him run round like a blue arsed fly...
I don't think living 2.5 hours drive away warrants staying 3-5 days! DH has family that live that far away and we go and stay for 2 nights in a nearby hotel, twice a year! And we both love his family and get on really well with them.
5 days is too much! I don't have any helpful suggestions other than getting DH to tell his sister she isn't welcome because she's so rude. I wouldn't even give her a warning. Just uninvite her.
For goodness sake, grow a backbone and tell SIL to fuck off.
Sounds like, next time you see them, it's time for repeated application of the MN question "Did you mean to be so rude?" So, when SiL walks in without saying Hallo to you, step in front of her and pointedly say Hallo: if she still doesn't reply, it's DYMTOBSR? If she demands something rudely, or fails to thank you, do a passive aggressive "Sorry, I didn't hear you say please/thank you", DYMTOBSR? If she pushes past you without acknowledging you or saying "Excuse me", same thing. Eventually you may embarrass her into being polite, and/or it should get through to your DH just how relentless her constant rudeness is.
And when they suggest your DH has a duty to be a father figure, try the little laugh and "Goodness me, it sounds like you're suggesting he should take their father's place, DH wouldn't dream of doing that, would he?"
No way would I tolerate that in my own home! Are they under the impression your DH is the only one paying the mortgage/rent and bills in your house?
Sorry but you definitely need to stand firm with your DH. Surely he has seen your SIL's behaviour! Does he REALLY think this is acceptable???
To use a common Mnet phrase medear - you need to hoik up your big girl pants TODAY! Good luck
If DH is wondering what to say to them keep telling him the reason you are not prepared to host his family is because they are unfriendly and rude to you. Rinse and repeat.
It's not "inconvenient", you don't have to come up with an excuse, you won't have them because of how they treat you. He doesn't get to tell you to just put up with it and by being clear this is the reason he can't continue to brush it under the carpet; either he addresses it or he comes up with excuses.
Your DH is disregarding your unhappiness because it's easier for him to upset you than upset them. Put your foot down Op or this will carry on for years!
'Your mother and sister did not say a civil works to me the while time they were here, nor did they the last x times. So they are not welcome in my house again. If you do invite them, i will not be here'
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