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To no longer buy presents for this family

(43 Posts)
Mummabearof2 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:24:28

Genuinely not sure what to do, if anything, in this situation. I am torn and keep changing my mind as to whether i would be unreasonable or not.

My DD didn't receive a birthday card from BIL/SIL. It was her 1st birthday. It has been hit and miss in the past as to whether or not my DS has received anything. We always send cards and presents to BIL/SIL's children. Now my eldest is of an age where he likes to help me choose presents for people, he is starting to notice when nothing is reciprocated - his birthday is within a few days of one of his cousins.

I am getting slightly annoyed by my children not even receiving birthday wishes via text let alone a card or present. We are never thanked for the presents we send. However, I am also fully aware that we don't give to receive and it is not the children's fault their parents don't seem to bother with ours (for clarity - the relationship between us and BIL/SIL is strained although when the cousins do get together it doesn't cloud the children's time together, we just don't see/speak outside of this time). In case I sound greedy, I really do not expect presents at all but would appreciate a card for them just to recognise that their family wish them well on their birthday.

So, AIBU to just send cards from now on and not presents? Or should I continue with presents regardless and let it go!

FrancisCrawford Mon 17-Apr-17 13:26:11

Card only is perfectly reasonable.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 17-Apr-17 13:27:24

I wouldn't send a present when it's not reciprocated, bollocks to that!

Send the card seeing as the relationship is strained anyway you've got nothing to lose.

kerryob Mon 17-Apr-17 13:27:24

Yanbu, it doesn't take much to say thank you for a gift, it's just rude. I'd stop buying for them not because they don't return the gift but because they don't say thank you!

Babbaganush Mon 17-Apr-17 13:27:27

I would move to just sending cards and see how it goes.

Littlepeople12345 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:27:31

I'd just send a card.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 17-Apr-17 13:28:37

Nothing for the adults as birthdays aren't their thing but I'd find it hard to stop with the kids. I'm thinking how I send a card to everyone in dh family and we get none back other than Christmas. My first child got one first birthday card and he, and subsequence children have never had another, or a first birthday card. I've decided this year not to send wedding anniversary cards anymore. Weaning them off the cards.

Options - carry on as you are and explain to your DS that some people don't do the same as you.
- ask bil/SIL if they would prefer to stop birthday tokens. If they say no, buy for theirs and then you have to text when they don't send anything for yours.
- stop buying, say nothing.

Chloe84 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:29:09

I never understand why people send cards and presents to children whose parents don't don't reciprocate.

The reason that is always given is that it's not the children's fault, but I highly doubt the children are wondering why they haven't got presents from relatives that they are not that close to. And in yout case, it's even more unfair, as your DS has noticed.

I would stop the presents and the cards, but the presents at the very least.

user1471545174 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:30:04

Yes of course YANBU - you don't want your son to start to think it normal to expect nothing after giving something.

FumBluff1 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:30:11

Card only is reasonable. I am in exactly the same situation!

ZaziesPaws Mon 17-Apr-17 13:30:41

I know what you mean. It's the thought that counts, not the gift. But what they are doing is showing no thought.

Have you spoken about it openly to the parents? In your shoes, I would gently broach it to the parents directly. Or if your PILs are diplomatic enough, ask them to broach it.

E.g. "I'm sure it's just an oversight, but DS is upset that you don't notice his birthday. Here are the children's birthdays, <<piece of paper>>".

If I felt like having a laugh, I would buy the parents a calendar at Xmas with the kid's birthdays marked on it in big red letters.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Mon 17-Apr-17 13:37:21

I have an odd slant on cards. They are a cop out for when you cant be bothered to ring up/visit/actually say 'happy birthday/Christmas/sorry for your loss' and so forth. They are a marketing dream for people who have poor verbal skills.

I know some people set great store for present and card buying and take it as an offence if the entire world doesn't celebrate with them, but not everyone is (pardon the pun) as wrapped up in present buying and card posting.

But no, I wouldn't continue sending presents and cards.

lostatsea1 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:39:31

As a family we always make a big deal out of children's birthdays and splash out on presents, parties and days out. It always suprises me when other people do very little - but it takes all sorts. But we do nothing for adults and would rarely bother with a child outside the immediate family.

It sounds to me like you just have a different expectation about birthdays.

Floralnomad Mon 17-Apr-17 13:40:06

I would send a card only .

DonaldTrumpsTrump Mon 17-Apr-17 13:43:10

I would also just send a card, not to be kind but to make it obvious that you've purposely not sent a gift, ungrateful buggers.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 17-Apr-17 13:52:18

They are a marketing dream for people who have poor verbal skills.


Cards are lovely to keep and look back on.

EweAreHere Mon 17-Apr-17 13:58:57

Just send cards.

If they say anything, act astounded.

Benedikte2 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:59:06

OP without any feed back you don't even know if the children like the gifts or if they even know they are from you. I'd drop the gifts and maybe send cards and if no feed back/ thanks after a couple of years drop those except for significant birthdays.

Religionorno Mon 17-Apr-17 14:05:54

Cards only, stop the gifts.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 17-Apr-17 14:08:00

I would drop the gifts but be prepared for a hissy fit about it.

Chloe84 Mon 17-Apr-17 14:11:33

Pyong tell us more, sounds like you have been through this?

HecateAntaia Mon 17-Apr-17 14:15:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrietSchulenberg Mon 17-Apr-17 14:18:54

They're probably like me and my family and really aren't bothered about cards and presents, and other family either.
We neither send nor receive cards to the extended family, just immediate, and none of us feel we're missing out.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 17-Apr-17 14:22:16

Not me personally but my mum. She got very pissed off at sending nice gifts to my cousins and getting no acknowledgement or cards etc for me and my sister so she stopped. My aunt hit the roof and called my mum selfish and how could she do that to the kids etc.

She did start sending us cards after that but mum never reinstated the gifts and I suspect that that is a bone of contention to this day, 30 odd years later grin

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 17-Apr-17 14:24:35

Actually tell dh he is welcome to send the cards from now on. His family. .

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