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To turn up out of the blue and ask this?

(47 Posts)
noitsnotme Mon 17-Apr-17 12:21:14

I've posted about this before, although not specifically this question.

I would like to trace my biological dad, and my best, likely only, bet of doing so is through my godmother. I haven't seen her in years, but have kept in touch (sporadically with her daughter).

I asked the daughter about a month ago if she thought her mum would mind me going to see her and why. She eventually texted back and said to pop up she'd love to see me. So I texted again and asked if she thought it would be okay to do so that week. I've never heard back. I don't k i.e. if she mentioned it to her mum at all.

I just feel uncomfortable turning up unannounced, having had no contact for years, and putting a 70+ woman on the spot by asking what she knows. But her daughter has told me in the past that she does know.

My mum and stepdad have been dead since I was a child and the one other person I thought might know, doesn't.

There's no phone number listed for her. Is it kinder to send her a card and mention it, and ask her to get in touch with me? But what if she doesn't? What if she has some kind of loyalty to my mum where she doesn't want to discuss it with me?

sonjadog Mon 17-Apr-17 12:24:54

I think I would send her a card and let her get in touch with you. I agree that it would be unfair to just turn up on her doorstep.

If she doesn´t get in touch and doesn´t want to discuss it with you, I´m not sure what you can do.

RachelRagged Mon 17-Apr-17 12:27:45

YANBU. Good Luck 😊

TheGoodEnoughWife Mon 17-Apr-17 12:39:08

Why don't you turn up but don't mention it the first time? Build a bridge and then ask when seeing her for the second or third time?

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 17-Apr-17 12:41:11

Turn up, be nice (am sure you will) but ask her. If she's the only one who knows, you need to ask her soon. You deserve to know this more than anyone else.

You can say her daughter said it was ok - which she did.

NotOneThingButAnother Mon 17-Apr-17 12:48:13

you could send a card saying "I'd love to come to visit you on x y z", with your number, and that way unless she rings up and says no way, you have your visit arranged.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Mon 17-Apr-17 12:53:30

I'd go with writing a letter, not just asking for the details but explaining why you're trying to trace him, saying that you don't hold anything against your mum or blame her for anything and ending that you'd be grateful for any information she could give.

That puts the ball firmly in her court - she may not reply, or her reply may not be exactly what you wanted, but you'll have a better picture of the situation with her at least.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:12:06

If that doesn't work you could always give your mums details onto certain websites that are dedicated to reconnecting family members
(name, where she lived at the time etc) and see if anybody comes forward with information.

noitsnotme Mon 17-Apr-17 13:19:09

Okay, I think I'll go with some sort of card or letter.

The suggestion of visiting a couple of times before asking seems a bit underhand, although I know that's not what PP meant. Although she's my godmother, we've never been close since my parents died. It seems false to try and build a relationship to get this information. By all means, i'd be happy to see her and spend time with her if we got on welI. I did love her as a child.

Also, if her daughter has mentioned anything, she'll know that's what I'm gearing up to, not that I'm just there out if the goodness of my heart. And I don't know that I could sit there and not ask in the first meeting!

I hate this. I feel like I've no control over knowing where the hell I come from and why I have no dad. I'm not looking for a happy ever after, just a name, a face, and a reason.

Littlepeople12345 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:23:13

I would just turn up, if her daughter says she knows what info you want then they must have spoken about it.

If she really is the only that can help you then you need to be selfish and think of your self and see her as soon as you can.

Allfednonedead Mon 17-Apr-17 13:42:01

This is about finding your father. That's important, even if all you want is to know, not even meet him.
I think that trumps any potential embarrassment to a woman who does, after all, have an obligation of sorts to you as your godmother.
I'd just go. If I were the godmother, I'd be astounded to hear you had hesitated.

noitsnotme Mon 17-Apr-17 14:41:03

I know, she could be totally fine. Even expecting me. But I feel like I have one chance and I don't want to blow it and burn my bridges.

I just don't understand why the daughter didn't text me back when I tried to make firm plans. She's never been the best at texting, but I always hear back eventually.

followTheyellowbrickRoad Mon 17-Apr-17 14:48:35

You have her daughters number. Why don't you just phone her. It's more direct than waiting for a text. You can then ask for her mother's number and make arrangements.

troodiedoo Mon 17-Apr-17 14:56:24

Well her daughter didn't say not to go...

I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't been expecting you for years. It wouldn't be underhand to make polite chat on your first visit to test the water, and you'll both feel more relaxed on your next visit.

Please don't leave it too late, all too often people in these situations subconsciously dither too long (perfectly understandable of course)

Your other option would be for someone to contact her on your behalf.

KayTee87 Mon 17-Apr-17 15:01:27

Yanbu - if I were you I'd go and ask the first time. Take her some nice flowers and have a cup of tea with her obviously, but definitely ask her. You deserve to know and it would be very unfair of her to withhold this information from you especially as your mum & step dad are dead. Can I ask why she didn't remain in contact with you after your parents died?

noitsnotme Mon 17-Apr-17 15:41:40

Because, again, my contact with the daughter isn't what it once was and although when I bump into her, our conversations are easy, I just don't feel comfortable having a discussion about it on the phone. She's had her own shit situation to deal with in the last 6 months 
KatyTee* no real reason. I was 10 when my mum died, and when my (step) dad died 2 years later, it was his family I went to live with and as far as I know she just didn't keep I touch. I bumped into her the odd time in town, that's all. Then when I was 24, I got a job where her daughter worked and she and I were close for a couple of years. Hence, the drunken chat where she let on that her mum knew some information.

I have a couple of hours free tonight and really want go up to her house, but I don't think I have the guts.

noitsnotme Mon 17-Apr-17 18:35:25

I'm parked outside her house. I don't know what to do. What if she has people in?

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 17-Apr-17 18:36:47

Just knock. Good luck.

KayTee87 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:37:26

If she has people in just say you can see it isn't a good time for a visit but you'd like to come back when she's free.

Good luck

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 17-Apr-17 18:37:27

If she has people in you can say, ah, it's not a good time - can I come back on Friday? Or whenever.

CountTessa Mon 17-Apr-17 18:40:01

Agree, just knock. If it's a bad time she'll say. You have nothing to lose

noitsnotme Mon 17-Apr-17 18:42:17

Okay, thanks

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 17-Apr-17 18:47:27

Good luck.

doughnutcraver Mon 17-Apr-17 18:53:08

You have nothing to lose. Good luck.

anotherdayanothersquabble Mon 17-Apr-17 18:58:10

Good luck

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