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To get upset being asked for a loan that is later treated as a gift?

(24 Posts)
airyfairymary Mon 17-Apr-17 11:34:32

Started a new thread so as not to hijack/derail a current thread about asking for a gift back.

In my case a relative of mine often asks to borrow something, making out she has a dire need even thought she could easily afford to buy her own. When I nicely ask for it back since it was agreed it was a loan she gets annoyed and implies I'm being unreasonable, unkind even. She might have had the item for a year, yet at no stage did I say it was a gift. Some items she promised to return but never has.

The relationship btw is one where I was ordered about and treated like a child although I am older. I don't let that happen any more because we are LC, but the whole thing of gift giving or making out that things are a gift gets me wondering. AIBU? Should I write them off (at great expense to me) or maybe ask for things returned sooner?

EC22 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:35:50

Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Problem solved.

PeaFaceMcgee Mon 17-Apr-17 11:36:30

Just don't give her stuff ever again. When she asks why, just explain.

PeaFaceMcgee Mon 17-Apr-17 11:37:39

The relationship btw is one where I was ordered about and treated like a child although I am older. I don't let that happen any more because we are LC

No - it's still happening. Stand up for yourself x

Dashper Mon 17-Apr-17 11:38:01

Stop lending things. Tell her why if she asks. You're LC, so the relationship can't matter that much (I'm in a "blood is not thicker than water" mood today).

MagicMarkers Mon 17-Apr-17 11:39:20

I would never lend her anything ever again. If you don't care about upsetting her you could send her a list of everything you want back.

Trills Mon 17-Apr-17 11:42:00

What is LC?

I agree with the others - stop giving this person things, unless you have already decided that you don't want them back.

Trills Mon 17-Apr-17 11:43:31

If I lent someone something and had been clear it was a loan not a gift, they would not get very far in acting injured and trying to suggest that I was unkind for wanting it back.

You can't make a person give a thing back, but you can stop giving them things and stop spending time with them (so they have no opportunity to act aggrieved).

HecateAntaia Mon 17-Apr-17 11:46:14

stand up to her!
next time she asks for something - say no!

you could also tell her that you wont be doing it because of her attitude when you ask for its return.

expatinscotland Mon 17-Apr-17 11:53:10

She's still using you because you are allowing it. NO MORE loaning her FA! You learn to say NO. And get your stuff back.

ShiroiKoibito Mon 17-Apr-17 11:54:20

i think op meant NC? or Low Contact?

just dont lend anything - practise "no, i am still using X"

Sweets101 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:57:02

I would both insist on my items back, she can accuse you off being mean, stick to the point of asking for items to be returned.
And never ever lend another thing. Be honest "No, it is too hard trying to get things back from you."

BeyondThePage Mon 17-Apr-17 12:00:39

Don't ever lend anything you don't want to, or can't afford to, lose.

Trills Mon 17-Apr-17 12:05:56

Don't ever lend anything you don't want to, or can't afford to, lose.

This is a very restricted way to go about your life though.

I lend things that I don't want to lose, to people who I trust to look after them and give them back. And they lend things to me because I've shown myself to be reliable.

Chloe84 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:06:54

Never lend anything again, cash or goods. You have no obligation to this person who bullied you.

Midnightprobs Mon 17-Apr-17 12:09:17

Write everything off.
Don't ever lend her anything ever again.
Rid yourself of the upset and don't create more by entering into more "loans".

WyfOfBathe Mon 17-Apr-17 12:12:08

Why do you keep lending her more things when she's not giving back what you've already lent her?

Goingtobeawesome Mon 17-Apr-17 12:16:00

Write and ask for everything back then go NC.

PigletJohn Mon 17-Apr-17 12:16:26

borrow something off her.

Someone I used to work with had a neighbour who borrowed tools and didn't bring them back. So he borrowed the neighbour's lawnmower and locked it away. When the neighbour asked for it back, he said "Sure. Just as soon as you give back my ladder, my drill, my barbecue...."

FurryLittleTwerp Mon 17-Apr-17 12:31:22

Have you ever managed to get anything back?

Just say No.

harderandharder2breathe Mon 17-Apr-17 12:33:06

Stop lending her things! She's proven repeatedly that she can't be trusted so why are you still falling for her bullshit?

peaceout Mon 17-Apr-17 12:36:11

I like the PigletJohn solution, taste of her own medicine😉

P1nkP0ppy Mon 17-Apr-17 12:46:41

One of my sisters not only 'borrowed' various items, she flogged them on eBay etc. A complete collection of books I lent my DM was sold to a book stall in a market - they had my name in and a friend picked them up.
She's not worked for 28 years, has pots of money and crys poverty at every opportunity. She never offers help to anyone sad
Needless to say we're barely in contact.

user1471545174 Mon 17-Apr-17 13:06:04

I also think Piglet John's solution would be fun to put into practice.

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