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To not think the purpose of childcare is for DH and I to spend "quality time together."

(29 Posts)
Hexagonball Mon 17-Apr-17 10:50:39

We have three DC: 2.5yo and 9 month twins. DH works and travels every two weeks, and I take care of DC. I was doing freelance work up until twin DCs were 4 months with some childcare, but a money crisis led us to take traditional roles (as DH earnt more than me) with him stepping up his work and me becoming a full time SAHM.

While I love being with the DC i am the kind of person who needs to work. A halfway house like we had before was my perfect solution: Some hours to work each week where we have some childcare (maybe 4 hours of childcare a day during the week) but then have the rest of the time with the DC.

Right now I am 24:7 with the DC, and have no break, even when DH is around. He will deny it but DH just does not help with childcare at all when he is not working and never did before either. I do everything, including night wakings, am still BF-ing 9mo's (one of whom is feeding 4-5 times a day) and our lives are very separate because even when he is in the house he is not actively partaking in any of the childcare. He does however do about 50% of the housework.

After overcoming the money crisis, we now have some money to get a little bit of childcare. Maybe something along the lines of 3x3 hours per week from a nanny. Which is actually not much. For me this means going back as much as I can to the arrangement I had before, where I worked in the hours I had free from the DC. For my own psychological survival.

But DH believes that this time, if we get it, should be spent him and I doing things together to reconnect. Like going out, going to the cinema, "having sex." FFS.

It's true we are not very connected, but that really is because he does not acknowledge I have absolutely no personal time at all and that he could help with that by taking care of the DC an hour or two a week and letting me have a lie down. But yet he expects the first personal time i get should be focused on him and our relationship. It makes my blood boil to even think about it.But am I being unreasonable about it?

53rdWay Mon 17-Apr-17 10:53:52

YANBU.

Why isn't he doing any of the parenting work? What happens if you say "you're on duty now, DH - I need a break and I'm going to lie down for an hour"?

NapQueen Mon 17-Apr-17 10:55:01

Yanbu. At all.

I would he rather explicit in my response to this:- dh, my libido and general energy levels will almost certainly resume when you step up with the kids. At the moment I do everything for all three of them. Everything.

The Nanny is coming because I need support and I am not getting it from you. So until you pull your weight with the kids, she is here for me. To work or rest or get my head together.

ineedamoreadultieradult Mon 17-Apr-17 10:55:22

Have you told him this? He probably genuinely thinks this is what you would like.

GoodLuckTime Mon 17-Apr-17 10:59:21

Email him your last paragraph.

Then start booking out of the house commitments for yourself on some weekends. Start with an afternoon, then a whole day. Go away overnight by yourself as soon as you can (can you express?).

THEN talk to him about the childcare split. Right now he can't see it. Make him do it and he'll see it.

honeylulu Mon 17-Apr-17 11:01:39

YANBU. Tell him seeing him actively parenting regularly would be the best aphrodisiac.
I totally understand the "need to work"too. I am the same.

Timeforteaplease Mon 17-Apr-17 11:06:56

Everybody needs some time to themselves. If all your time is spent first on the kids and second on him - where are you in all of this?
I presume your DH gets down time - when you get an equal amount, maybe then there will be room to think about your 'together' time.

CountryCaterpillar Mon 17-Apr-17 11:06:57

You need to speak to him. After my daughter started preschool (couldn't afford a nanny!) This was exactly what I did want. Time for an adult lunch out together somewhere pretty.

SlB09 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:14:40

Maybe a compromise of two nanny sessions for you and one for relationship? Mens brains think completely differently and to us they just come across as selfish buggers. Hes got to understand that you would reconnect given time to yourself and you've got to appreciate that a mans mind is basically like another small child when it comes to sex etc and they quickly feel left out. Maybe couples therapy would help?

AlternativeTentacle Mon 17-Apr-17 11:18:07

How will he ever realise how hard it is if you do it 24/7?

53rdWay Mon 17-Apr-17 11:19:37

Mens brains think completely differently and to us they just come across as selfish buggers... a mans mind is basically like another small child when it comes to sex

hmm mine acts like a reasonable adult human being. I wouldn't want to have any sex with a whiny selfish man-child, nanny or no nanny.

Firesuit Mon 17-Apr-17 11:24:20

Hang on, if 9 hours are funded (in his mind) so that you can spend time with him, presumably he is expecting to fund them? And presumably your work generates at least enough money to fund the hours you spend on it? (Otherwise it wouldn't be economical.)

So what needs to happen is you work as many hours as you like, which will pay for childcare for those hours, and he pays for an extra nine hours, which you can spend with him. (If you want free hours without him, he can "fund" those in addition by taking over the house/child work you would have been doing, that's always an option anyway.)

Roomster101 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:26:30

I don't think that there is anything wrong in him wanting to you to spend some time with him while you have childcare BUT he does need to look after your children sometimes so that you can also have time to work/be alone.
Does he not even look after the children while you go to the shops?

luckylucky24 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:27:15

I do think spending time on your relationship is important too though. Not the sex bit but some actual time to be together without parenting. Our relationship suffers without this and so when he tells me he feels we need time together I listen as it is clear he isn't feeling as connected. At the same time however he did acknowledge that I need time to myself and has encouraged me to get out more. Could you get a hobby one night a week? He can put the kids to bed whilst you go out?

Andcake Mon 17-Apr-17 11:31:23

TBH I see both sides of the childcare issue... I use it to have adult time. But first he needs to step up. Maybe once a month use if for some time for the relationship

Firesuit Mon 17-Apr-17 11:32:34

To put it more clearly, four possible uses of your time, in no particular order.
1. Wifework
2. Self-employment
3. Me time
4. We time.

Currently you are only doing 1.

2 should pay for itself.

The 9 hours he can pay for can fund 3 and 4. If that doesn't yield enough of each to satisfy both of you, he can do some 1 to create more 3 and 4.

Sweets101 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:32:35

Yanbu BUT if you want to have a good marriage you probably do need to spend a bit of time together. On the face of it spending a couple of hours a week together trying to reconnect isn't a bad idea.
Why not compromise?
If you fight on this point and continue to lead more separate lives i can't really see what you are hoping the end result will be?

Twentyten2010 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:32:38

Is part of this you not wanting to spend time "re-connecting" with someone that you actually resent??

ElisavetaFartsonira Mon 17-Apr-17 11:38:25

Mens brains think completely differently and to us they just come across as selfish buggers. Hes got to understand that you would reconnect given time to yourself and you've got to appreciate that a mans mind is basically like another small child when it comes to sex etc and they quickly feel left out.

Erm, I'm pretty sure that's a problem with the men you know rather than the male of the species generally. My DH doesn't come across as a selfish bugger, because he's not.

PovertyPain Mon 17-Apr-17 11:39:04

Mens brains think completely differently and to us they just come across as selfish buggers... a mans mind is basically like another small child when it comes to sex

FFS! There really are no words to answer this bull shite. 😦

EineKleine Mon 17-Apr-17 11:42:03

You are absolutely not BU but you're talking to people who get it. We've been there with the sleep deprivation and little hands on you all day, every day. He hasn't, and if you are trying to tell him, he isn't listening.

I agree with PP, send or say to him your last paragraph. Tell him you need personal space to take a breath before you can even contemplate any more "connecting". Mine would take DC out for walks or park etc at the weekends, and would take them off me when he came home from work for a bit. Sometimes I would literally go into our bedroom, close the curtains and just stare at the ceiling. Marvellous. It's hard with BF twins but as soon as mine was weaned I had 24 hours in a hotel by myself. I did bugger all, just read a book in silence and ate dinner by myself. It was amazing and I swear it recharged me for about a year. WOH is also a good sanity saver. This is totally sortable, he sounds like he loves you, you just need to make him listen.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 17-Apr-17 11:52:04

Wow, he is such a jerk! I can relate a bit to your situation. I am SAHM to 3.5yo and 8 month old twins. Breastfeeding didn't work out so I'm pumping. It's so much work! Do you know how much childcare my DP does when he's home? 50%. He takes one baby overnight and I have the other. We alternate with the 3.5yo if he needs us. Evenings and weekend he changes them, feeds them, bathes them, takes them out. He does this because he is their dad. It's his responsibility and he loves them. No way would he leave me to do all that! But also no way would I let him.

You need to write a roster or a list, sit down and explain what's going to happen. He is a parent and he needs to act like one!

YANBU to want some time to yourself. It's easy to go a bit batty when the only time you have alone is a 5 minute shower (unless the older kid crashes that too). You explain this to "D"P and that you will be having the paid time for just you until he sorts himself out enough to take all 3 kids until 12pm every Saturday without fail so you have time alone (including lie in). Only then will you consider him stealing this paid time.

Put your for down!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 17-Apr-17 11:52:36

For = foot. 🙄

UppityHumpty Mon 17-Apr-17 11:57:28

Yabu. I very much doubt your lack of time is just his fault. Do you insist on him having the kids? Do you make double-work for yourself by second guessing every decision or opinion he has re parenting? If you don't make things work for yourself now the only thing you'll end up with is a nanny who is then married to your DH within a year.

NotMyPenguin Mon 17-Apr-17 11:58:36

YANBU! Not feeling like having sex with somebody who doesn't take care of the kids enough to give you a break is totally reasonable.

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