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to be sick and tired of being the bad guy?

(12 Posts)
Ellybellyboo Mon 17-Apr-17 09:51:48

Sorry, it's a MiL thread, but our relationship is so crap and I don't know how to fix it. I'm just so fed up with my family and I being set up as the bad guys all the time.

DH has always been his family scape goat, his younger sister is the golden child. I met DH when we were 15/16 (his sister was my best friend back then) and witnessed a lot of this stuff myself

As a result, DH and his Mum aren't close.

We go through the motions (send flowers for Mother's Day, send birthday cards, DH rings her regularly, visit when we can, etc, etc) but there's no closeness there

We live about 2 hours away. We go back and visit every 6 weeks or so. MiL has never visited here despite us inviting her lots

Anyway, there are way too many shitty examples from over the years to even know where to begin to explain, but whatever we do, we cannot win so we've got to the point we don't bother trying. She's insanely jealous of my parents and our relationship with my family so we never really mention if they are visiting or anything like that - it's just easier as neither of us can face the hissy fit if MiL finds out

It's all blown up again this weekend.

My parents are here visiting. DD is massively into horse riding, my dad was hugely into horse riding too when he was younger, so on Saturday my Dad and DD went out on a hack together. I went to pick them up and saw them coming back to the yard together, side by side just nattering away, they looked so sweet together so I took a photo of them.

Sent the pic to DD and my dad and DD posted it onto Instagram.

Had a really shitty phone call from her this morning - accusing me of splitting up her family, taking her son away from her. That "I've finally got what I wanted". DH had taken the dog out for a quick run so wasn't here so I just put the phone down on her in the end.

I'm just so fed up with it, it's really getting me down and I don't know how to fix it.

We shouldn't have to hide stuff like this. DD had a fab time with her grandad and should be able to post stuff like that if she wants to.

My children love their grandmother and she is lovely to them, so I don't want to cut her out, but I am so over being cast as the villain

It's a lovely day, we're all going out for the day before my parents go home this afternoon, but I'm sitting here stewing trying to work out what the feck I've done wrong

CigarsofthePharoahs Mon 17-Apr-17 10:06:25

You haven't done anything wrong.
Your mil is an arse.
What happens when you don't engage? If she phones up and you just say 'DH isn't here, I'll get him to call you later.' and then just hang up.
You're not the bad guy.

scaryteacher Mon 17-Apr-17 10:08:05

You've not done anything wrong at all. You've seen how this family works and have chosen not to rock the boat talking about your side of the family.

You can't fix this...but you and dh have to decide what happens from now. If the kids are old enough to understand what is going on, then allow contact but explain that mil has issues with them seeing their other GPs. It might be easiest to facilitate a minimum amount of contact with mil for the dcs, but avoid any yourself. You could give her a damn good ignoring, or get dh to deal with her, or just stop any contact, and when you get called on it, point out that her phone call was the last straw and you don't want your kids around someone who behaves like that.

user1471558436 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:18:22

I would email/text her and say that you know it's easier for a mother in laws to nail a daughter in law as some kind of villain but the reality is that she is always welcome to visit and have a relationship with your family. You positively encourage it but if they don't want to make the effort, that's their choice.

user1471558436 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:19:12

I'd like to hear about previous past behaviour

Werkzallhourz Mon 17-Apr-17 10:27:09

Don't engage. Just disconnect from her. This is not your problem to fix in the slightest, if you even could.

Life is stressful enough without people creating drama and crisis. You have a right to live your life without this crap.

I speak from experience. There comes a point where enough is enough. For me, that ended up being an incident that was beyond all reasonable behaviour, and I wish now that it had never got that far. I should have drawn a bitline in the sand much earlier.

Ellybellyboo Mon 17-Apr-17 10:32:51

Thanks!

Tbh, I don't have that many dealings with her. I usually just pass the phone to DH when she calls but she didn't really give me a chance to speak before she started her rant.

It's been 25 years of this shit. DH calls her out on her behaviour but it goes in one ear and out the other so we've now fallen into a pattern of appeasing her as it's just not worth the aggro.

I haven't told him about this morning, I know what will happen. He'll ring her and she'll just cry, then DH's sister will post passive aggressive nonsense on Facebook - I've unfollowed them all so I don't see any of it, but I know it's there.

Every now and then it gets to me.

Valentine2 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:36:21

25 years be she has never visited you! shock if I were you, I would have stopped caring about 2.5 years into it all. Some people just love drama and thrive on it. That's where their energies go. Ignore.

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 17-Apr-17 10:36:32

As she never visits you could turn it on her and tell her if she would just visit once in a while she too could do family things at your home.

Why on earth are you still visiting every 6 weeks from 2 hours away. I'd knock that on the head especially if she never makes the trip.

Fortybingowings Mon 17-Apr-17 10:38:31

FFS. His side of the family sound as if they're a bit thick TBH.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 17-Apr-17 10:41:08

Tell dh he is welcome to visit her but you quit.
I bet your life becomes so much better!!
She sounds unhinged tbh.

EllieMiller Mon 17-Apr-17 10:45:16

Get caller ID on your phone. Never pick it up when she calls. If she never visits then the phone is the only way she is going to be able to contact you. Cut this out and you're home and dry, surely?

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