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First Grandchild problems

(120 Posts)
Lauraw1989 Mon 17-Apr-17 08:56:11

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and right now I feel like I have made the worst decision of my life.

I have always wanted kids and I'm over the moon now I'm pregnant ... My bossy MIL is ruining what should be the happiest time of life. Constantly firing names at me, buying boys/girls clothes (even though we are not finding out the sex) and generally taking over and saying she will be upset if we don't do this and that. She never ever asks me how I'm feeling or coping with pregnancy. I understand she is excited but so are my parents and they don't do this and they always ask how I am.

I went out yesterday with the DP and his family for an easter meal which then turned into drinking in a pub from 2-11 (this is what they do). Everyone got extremely drunk including DP. I ended up sitting in a toilet cubical crying because of my MIL driving me insane.

I feel like I can't talk to DP about this anyway because last time it ended in arguments.

If this is my life before the baby is even here how bad will it be once the baby arrives? I feel like she is taking over.

CheshireSplat Mon 17-Apr-17 09:01:58

This sounds awful. more experienced posters will be along soon, but i wanted to react to your comment that you have made the worst decision of your life. You haven't. Don't let your MIL allow you to feel like this.

If your MIL is like this now it'll be worse when the baby is here so you need to lay down boundaries now. And you'll need to get DP on board as you'll need to appear to be united as a couple. With a baby to hold and sleep deprivation it'll be harder to deal with it when the baby is here.

Try and enjoy your pregnancy - your parents sound lovely!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 17-Apr-17 09:06:03

The things you describe don't sound that bad objectively, but if they're making you feel bad then they're making you feel bad. As ever, the bigger problem is not your mil but your unsupportive partner.

Can you identify what she's doing, tell partner about it, then next time she does it, ask her to stop and explain it makes you unconfortable or whatever. She sounds excited.

You're going to need to stand up for yourself when you have a baby. I'm not sure why you wouldn't at 9pm say I've had enough and I'm going home. Drunk people can be tedious when you're sober.

mummymeister Mon 17-Apr-17 09:09:51

Unfortunately pregnancy (in others) can bring out the best and the worst in families. first off tell your DP how you are feeling. start getting some ground rules about this all agreed with him asap so that at least its the two of you together dealing with it and not you alone.

I am at a loss to understand why you didn't just call a cab and go home yesterday rather than sitting in a pub toilet for 9 hours. you wont be down the pub all the time when the baby arrives. If anyone asks, just say you are tired/feeling sick/need a lie down/don't think a pub is the best environment for you at the moment. better still don't go in the first place if you know this is what the score is going to be.

You do need to take control of the situation and more importantly get your DP to understand that you and the baby are his first priority not his pub dwelling family and that things are going to have to change when the baby arrives so that they might as well start changing now.

understand that all this is very hard to do when you are feeling hormonal and a bit out of control of the situation yourself. but only you can drive the change here, no one else in the family is going to do it.

Thinkingblonde Mon 17-Apr-17 09:16:32

Big girl knickers on. Don't let her take over, this is your baby, not hers.
She's had her chance at being a mother, she now needs to learn how to be a grandmother.
No way would I have sat in a pub toilet crying while the other got pissed. I'd have got a taxi home and watched Line of Duty instead while demolishing Easter Eggs.

123MothergotafleA Mon 17-Apr-17 09:17:19

Wild horses wouldn't keep me in that pub after the meal was finished.
Ok, coffee and a liqueur or something. Of course you aren't able to imbibe yourself, so it quite selfish of the family to stay in the bloody pub all day.
How boring.
You must put your foot down about this in future.

pinkiepie1 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:17:49

1st god I hate drunk people when I'm sober. By 6 I would be getting my coat and leaving.

2nd we had a similar incident with MIL about names, but hers was she didn't like the name we choose and said she would call it something else, think Sophia but she didn't like it so would call it Sophie sort of thing.
This time we haven't told anyone what names we have chosen, we have said we will wait until the baby is born and see what it looks like. Maybe try that one.

Agree with pp that try and set boundaries now cos it will be harder when the baby is here... (know from experience)

Try (nicely) to explain to your dp that he's going to be a father and that how would he feel if it was your parents being like his mother. (Again done this, I didn't do it as nicely as I could have though, but my point worked in the end)

Keep your chin up. Xx

aprilanne Mon 17-Apr-17 09:21:53

lauaraw . PLEASE tell her now to stop or you will end up like me 28 years later and still seething at the woman who basically bossed me my 3 pregnancys .i was young first time 20 but no excuse the other two .i am just so timid i let her ..now i cant stand the woman and barely visit .don,t be like me dont be a door mat .

Lauraw1989 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:21:59

Sorry I should of said in my original post I only went to the toilet for a short amount of time. I had to do that otherwise I would of cried in front of everyone.

I spoke to this with my DP last night and he didn't understand why I was upset her is happy she is taking an interest. I did call his mum a bitch (I know, know very bad on my part) I was so angry she makes me feel this way.

I didn't get to sleep till 4 because I was either crying or arguing with DP and I have just woken up at 8 to the noise of him throwing up. I'm so sick of his pissed up family. I was never a big drinker and now I don't think I ever want to drink again.

ollieplimsoles Mon 17-Apr-17 09:26:49

Your mil doesn't have to ever see the baby, some will disagree, but its the truth l, realising it saved my sanity.

GrumpyDullard Mon 17-Apr-17 09:36:07

Dump your drunken unsupportive "D"P and you never have to see his mum again. As a bonus, you won't have to experience his pissed up antics and morning vomiting sessions.

Problem solved.
You're welcome.

nursy1 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:36:17

Oh dear. Throwing up?! Do you think your DP has a drink problem? If so he will need his family to normalise the drinking. You will need a very big conversation with him if this is the case.

diddl Mon 17-Apr-17 09:37:04

She can't take over unless you let her.

Yiu don't have to tell her anything about anything.

Tune her out/give none commital replies.

Would your OH have left earlier with you if you had wanted to?

Sylvannas Mon 17-Apr-17 09:37:21

I'm sorry you are going through such a crappy time. In pregnancy you really don't need it.
Having an arguement with a drunk person is never going to end well. I'd wait till he's sober.

I would definately set your boundaries now. Although giving gifts for baby is pretty standard for family members. Allow her giving baby clothes, it won't hurt and she will feel she's helping and included.

It will make you sound less unreasonable when you put your foot down for the big things that matter more. Pick your battles and when you do need to put your foot down, keep it down.
flowers

Thinkingblonde Mon 17-Apr-17 09:37:25

Re the comments that she'll be upset if you don't do this, that or the other. Ask her why.
You are going to have to assert yourself op, otherwise she'll just walk all over you. Why should her feelings trump yours?

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 17-Apr-17 09:38:50

Once he's sober, sit him down and tell him his mother is taking over your pregnancy. If he doesn't see it, that's unfortunate and as his partner come first.

Buying clothes and firing baby names isn't normal, neither is dictating to you how you are expected to behave. Nor is staying at the pub for an all day bender with a pregnant woman. Your dps behaviour is pretty shit as well. He needs to grow up a bit, doesn't he?

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 17-Apr-17 09:39:59

I mean buying clothes for both sexes isn't normal.

MrsY Mon 17-Apr-17 09:43:34

Being pregnant (whilst wonderful) is not always the best time to start laying down the law. Bloody hormones.
Don't waste your energy where it won't do any good. It may help to invite her on a trip to look at pushchairs (or something else 'big') maybe with your mum too. If she steps out of line, take a deep breath and tell her. Your mum will support you.
With regards to the drinking etc. your DP is going to have to rethink this behaviour pretty quickly. Hungover and vomming is pretty tough with a newborn, or any child for that matter. And try to help him understand why you are cross with his mum, without name calling. His support will be so important to you - the hormones and tiredness will get worse and at some point you are going to need to be able to ask him to gatekeep for you.

Good luck.

piefacedClique Mon 17-Apr-17 09:45:35

My overbearing MIL used to do this when we were getting married. My SIL (my side) taught me a useful phrase.... she's had to use it with her mother. "What a lovely idea, we'll use that/do that/consider that if we can....." it steered me away from having their family tartan (love tartan not this particular 0range/brown one tho) and from having carnations and thistles (together) and from also having cheap house wine on our wedding tables (lots of wine expert friends coming to wedding). I'm a snob I know! It allowed her to have her opinion heard and she felt involved even though I had no intention of incorporating them.... I mean.... my beautiful blousy peonies mixed with carnations and thistles! 😩

Allthewaves Mon 17-Apr-17 09:48:08

Well calling his mum a bitch isn't going to get him to listen.

Firstly doesn't matter if she's buying clothes or what she's saying, it's yoir baby u can decide when it arrives. Just bid and smile.

If they have out for lunch and gets boozy just make your excuses that your not feeling well and leave

Allthewaves Mon 17-Apr-17 09:48:44

Bid=nod

TaliDiNozzo Mon 17-Apr-17 09:55:21

Can you elaborate slightly on the things she has said/done? People may be able to give you some advice on how to handle her.

What you've said so far doesn't sound terrible, just over enthusiastic really.

EweAreHere Mon 17-Apr-17 09:59:49

Wow. Your DH actually thought sitting in a pub on Easter for 9 hours getting pissed with his family with his trapped pregnant wife was a good idea?

You need a serious sit down conversation with him about how you are not going to be spending your life this way, centered around long days of drinking as a family. How unhealthy and what a crappy way to behave that would be with children around. How could he not think of you yesterday, feeling stuck and uncomfortable there so he could drink ... and now be sick. Fun times.

You also need to tell him you are not going to be pressured and bullied by his mother about YOUR child, YOUR child's name, how your raise YOUR child, etc, You need to set the tone now, and he needs to get her to back way off, or you won't want to be spending much time with her. He should point out firmly that if you don't spend much time with her due to HER behaviour, neither will her grandchildren.

Fishface77 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:02:45

Can't really comment on the mother in law but your DP sounds about OF a cunt drinking all day and no offe nice but you sound like a wet lettuce.
Stuck up for yourself because no one else will.

archersfan22 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:17:24

1) If you're seeing her a lot and she is getting on your nerves generally (rather than crossing specific lines of acceptable behaviour), find other things to do and see her less.

2) Pick your battles, learn to put your foot down on things that are important to you and let other things go. For example, if she wants to come to a scan and you don't want her to, you need to be firm about that. However if she is buying 'gendered' baby clothes that is not your problem - she can either take them back when baby is born or baby can just wear them regardless - baby won't care, and once you've cleaned up the fifth poo explosion of the day you probably won't either.... However don't feel you are forced to look at all the clothes/be enthusiastic about them if you think it's too early in the pregnancy - would it help to say 'I think it's bad luck to look at baby things until a month before' or something, and just ask her to put them away until then.

My ILs are really lovely and I get on well with them in general but MIL does go a bit OTT with shopping for grandchild (now a toddler) and always buys loads of stuff for him - this made me uncomfortable at first - I can't even articulate why exactly, probably at least partly because my own family are not into expressing their affection like that. Now I've accepted that she will just buy loads of stuff, and I am enthusiastic about things I like or are useful and stuff that is just going to clutter up our house I am perfunctory in thanking her for.

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