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To upset MiL by insisting family treat both our kids the same?

(63 Posts)
FitLikeQuine1 Mon 17-Apr-17 02:46:27

We know my DH isnt the favoured son and that MiL favours his brother and my SiL and their kids. Dont normally let it get to me, ours love their DGP's and I do get on with them, FiL especially.
Last year DSD went to stay for a few days in summer with MiL and FiL, our DS is too young yet. This coincided with BiL and SiL's baby's birthday, so naturally MiL and FiL were invited to baby's family party and took DSD along.
Dh, DS and I were not invited. Fine, except DSD came home upset cos she was expecting to see us at this family party and where were we?
We explained we werent invited and agreed that in future, we'd ask MiL not to take only DSD to a family event but to include DS also.

So this years visit came up today and I politely asked them to not take DSD to a family event alone as we are a family and it had upset DSD last year. I also politely said it wasnt fair on DS. Nothing more, just we felt it best to talk to them about it.
Of course, that went up MiL's arse sideways and they had to change plans, dates etc. WIBU to say that to her?

highinthesky Mon 17-Apr-17 02:55:56

YABU. Take responsibility for your own children instead of expecting your PILs to fit in around your wishes.

I agree it's not fair on DS, DSD etc but you're in no position to dictate. Find other dates they could stay with their DGPs instead.

FitLikeQuine1 Mon 17-Apr-17 02:58:26

We did. We found a week that worked for everyone.

Yambabe Mon 17-Apr-17 03:00:36


DSD's stay with her GPs should be a special treat for her, not a "family event". They should be able to do stuff with her that excludes the rest of you, surely that's the whole point of her going by herself?

BoomBoomsCousin Mon 17-Apr-17 03:05:05

I think letting them know your DSD was upset wouldn't be unreasonable But saying it can't happen again seems a bit bizarre. Unless something happened you haven't mentioned, there was no reason for her to be upset about it other than being a bit homesick and being lead to believe you'd be there was there? You should have just suggested they be clear who would be at the party if they were going again. Certainly insisting your DSD can't go somewhere with them when she's staying at there house is pretty rude. Your DS will presumably get his turn when he's old enough to stay (or would have, they may be less keen now).

This all presumes there isn't something you aren't telling us - because your reaction seems a bit ridiculous to me.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Mon 17-Apr-17 03:07:24

agreed that in future, we'd ask MiL not to take only DSD to a family event but to include DS also

This would be the dc who was 'too young' to stay last year?
Maybe they don't want the hassle and responsibility of taking a baby with them?

They took your dd to an event that you had not been invited to - nothing unreasonable about that.

This is all rather pfb hmm

Italiangreyhound Mon 17-Apr-17 03:45:52

FitLikeQuine1 I'm not 100% sure I understand the issue. Last year your husband's parents have his daughter, your step daughter, to stay and then go to a family party which you are not invited to and taker her. She expects you and your husband and son to be there and you and he are not, and she is upset?

If so then it's perfectly fair to not expect them to do it again.

YANBU to want both your kids treated equally and your dsd not to be upset.

Just arrange for her to go see them when there is no family party on. If a family party gets arranged during that time, tell dsd she will be invited but not you and see how she feels. If she doesn't like it then change the time DD will go.

All children are precious.

I also think if she is your step daughter then it is really for your dh to say what is best.

MsGameandWatch Mon 17-Apr-17 03:56:52

Of course, that went up MiL's arse sideways

I've never heard this before, it's made me grin

user1491572121 Mon 17-Apr-17 04:37:55


My DD's stay at their grandparent's (MIL AND FIL) often but two are too many for them to manage.

MIL might take one DD to an event that's on but the other won't be there...that's normal.

Italiangreyhound Mon 17-Apr-17 04:45:29

But user1491572121 I would hope your MIL and FIL treat all the kids equally. The OP seems to feel this is not the case.

"We know my DH isnt the favoured son and that MiL favours his brother and my SiL and their kids."

I think if grandparents are showing favouritsm then it isn't nice for the grandchildren. You may not be able to help getting on better with one child or grandchild, but surely it should not be obvious to the parents or to the child.

MoreThanUs Mon 17-Apr-17 04:50:25

Don't get the issue at all - and whatever imagined slight seems to have been addressed. If I was your MIL I'd be a bit confused about it all I think.

tigermoll Mon 17-Apr-17 05:29:19

Surely its BIL and SIL who you should be talking to -- the bit that upset your DSD seems to be that they didn't invite you and your DH to the family party?

If BIL and SIL didn't invite you, DH and DS to come to their child's 1st birthday party, I don't see how it's MIL's fault. Are you suggesting that she should somehow insist to BIL/SIL that they invite all of you next time?

PurpleDaisies Mon 17-Apr-17 05:55:10

I'm a bit confused. Wouldn't this issue have been resolved by telling your dsd that since she's staying with her grandparents she won't be seeing you until she comes home? It seems like making a mountain out of a molehill.

WateryTart Mon 17-Apr-17 06:25:05

Of course you were unreasonable.

If DSD is very distressed don't let her stay there any more. You can't dictate to the rest of the family what to do, that's just daft.

GiraffesAndButterflies Mon 17-Apr-17 06:31:41

BIL and SIL plan their baby's party
They invite the DGPs (i.e. Your MIL & FIL)
MIL & FIL say "oh but we've got OP's DSD staying with us that day"
BIL & SIL say "no problem bring her, we can squeeze one more in"
... and somehow they're all being horrible?
There must be a drip feed to come, because I don't see it confused

FenellaMaxwellsPony Mon 17-Apr-17 06:32:13

So, is DS yours and your DP's and thus also related to MIL? I really don't think MIL has done anything wrong - you said yourself DS was too young so why should a child and an infant be treated the same?

Instead of being unllaaaanr to MIL surely a better question is why BIL & SIL didn't invite you to this "family event". It seems that's what you're really annoyed about.

FenellaMaxwellsPony Mon 17-Apr-17 06:32:59

unllaaaanr?! That should say unpleasant!!

SallyGinnamon Mon 17-Apr-17 06:40:48

I think the ages of children concerned is significant.

For example If your DSD is 5+ and going to a party for another child aged 5+ there is no reason to expect a baby or toddler to be invited.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 17-Apr-17 06:42:33

You are essentially blaming your PIL's for the fact that your BIL/SIL didn't invite you to their party.

And I don't believe it's your DSD who was upset about this (for more than 5 minutes, anyway) - it's you.

YABU. And weird.

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 17-Apr-17 06:42:54

As a steparent/ second wife myself l have heard of some ILs treating any 'second wave' of family as somehow not as important . I can't understand why they would call it a family eventhing and being a baby's party especially why they wouldn't invite you and your baby/ toddler too especially as they invited grandparents and the baby's older cousin. I also love the expression ' went up her arse sideways ' hahaha never heard that before .

SallyGinnamon Mon 17-Apr-17 06:43:04

Oops. Posted too soon.

We wouldn't have expected to be invited to anything at BIL's house when they lived nearby. We didn't really have much in common. But I'd PIL had DS with them I'm sure they'd have taken him if BIL had agreed it first.

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 17-Apr-17 06:44:49


SallyGinnamon Mon 17-Apr-17 06:49:04

Ok. I missed the 'baby's' party bit. So it's younger than your DS.

saracrewe2 Mon 17-Apr-17 06:59:56

I suspect that this is more about the "second family" than favourite grandchildren. OP how old is your ds? I really don't think they did anything wrong.

Northgate Mon 17-Apr-17 07:08:53

Not sure why PILs seem to be getting the blame here when it's BIL/SIL who didn't invite you.
PILs aren't really in a position to dictate who BIL/SIL invite to their parties.

How far away do you live from BIL / SIL btw? Round the corner, or hours and hours away?

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