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to think exH is unreasonable to refuse to communicate with me?

(20 Posts)
Hoptastic53 Sun 16-Apr-17 22:33:28

I have an 8 year old daughter with my exH. He refuses to communicate with me at all. He sees her on alternate weekends and some extra in holidays. He has never asked how she is in between this. I inform him of school dates, extra curricular activity competitions, details to order school photos Ect. He hasn't ever responded or attended.

When she's there during holidays, I send a message to ask how she is after day 3-4. He ignores me, as he does when I ask to speak to her. DD also asks to speak to me, and he refuses. I would never do this if either asked to speak one another while she was here - which sadly, they don't. DD often comes home upset at not having been allowed to speak to me and I feel it isn't fair on her.

It's also completely impractical not to communicate. DD came home tonight with a sickness bug so I have to take tomorrow off work at short notice when he's known since Thursday that she's ill. He collected her on Monday from her dance club and she'd asked to call me to tell me she'd been picked for the show which begins rehearsals this week as she was excited and because she knew I'd have to change shifts at work. He refused to let her call so now either I really piss my boss off or she has to miss rehearsals.

He refuses to discuss holiday dates so I end up sounding dictatorial because I send dates and say if you don't say otherwise by X date, these dates will stay planned. He then uses this as an excuse to DD, saying they have a holiday booked but it's when she's at home because I wouldn't let her go on those dates hmm

She's supposed to be going to her dad's for over two weeks in the summer holidays and I don't want to go that long not knowing how she is and knowing she's upset because she can't phone home. AIBU to think he is being unreasonable to refuse to communicate with me?

ChasedByBees Sun 16-Apr-17 22:37:32

He sounds like an arsehole. Is the contact court ordered? Could you give your DD a mobile for texting?

Lovewineandchocs Sun 16-Apr-17 22:37:37

He is being an absolute arsehole. Seems he is trying to control you through her and is really not being fair on her. Would you consider getting her a phone so she can contact you?

Lovewineandchocs Sun 16-Apr-17 22:38:08

Great minds, Chased! grin

Domino20 Sun 16-Apr-17 22:38:19

She needs her own mobile phone.

Hoptastic53 Sun 16-Apr-17 22:40:46

I tried that and he confiscated it sad

Lovewineandchocs Sun 16-Apr-17 22:48:12

Oh, what an absolute prick! Confiscated it?! Is the contact court-ordered? It may need to be reconsidered on the basis that your DDs welfare is paramount and that his non-communication with you is detrimental to that. Have you sought legal advice?

honeypooh2017 Sun 16-Apr-17 22:50:07

No advice I'm afraid but what an absolute prick and how horrible for your daughter. It is only natural that she wants to speak to you when she is away from you.

Was your split nasty?

Seeingadistance Sun 16-Apr-17 22:50:28

Your poor daughter! Definitely time to see a lawyer if you haven't already.

Honeybee79 Sun 16-Apr-17 22:52:48

He's being an utter shit. See a solicitor asap. His behaviour is so unfair on your DD.

mimishimmi Sun 16-Apr-17 22:53:24

I think YABABU. If it were reversed and he was calling you up during your custodial time to ask after his DD etc, it would be seen as harassment. Just leave him/her alone during their time together and ask your DD how it went afterwards?

Bobbins43 Sun 16-Apr-17 22:54:59

She should be able to talk to her mum if she wants to! What an arse.

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 16-Apr-17 22:58:43

mimi She wants to talk to her daughter. Not him. How could that be harassment? hmm

Back to court unfortunately I think. She needs a mobile for when you're apart.

Hoptastic53 Sun 16-Apr-17 23:02:29

Of course it wouldn't be harassment to text or call once a week to ask how she is. I wish he would!

Yes, the contact is court ordered. I feel like saying she isn't going for so long in the holidays unless he agrees a day and time for us to talk so DD can be reassured because she gets upset beforehand about being away without contact. If he refuses then or goes back on it then he can take me back to court.

I left him because he was abusive. As far as I'm concerned, he still is and is also being abusive to DD by using her to try and get to me.

Lovewineandchocs Sun 16-Apr-17 23:07:39

mimi he is being obstructive and won't communicate or let the DD communicate necessary information to the OP. Also, he refuses to let the DD call her mother and even confiscated her phone. He is an abusive shit and the OP is being very far from unreasonable. OP I think it's time to consult a solicitor asap about the contact terms.

StrawberryJelly00 Sun 16-Apr-17 23:08:39

Sounds very difficult op but just be careful if you decide to stop contact and not comply with a court order you could face imprisonment (in the worst case scenario) or a fine.

If you want to change the order in any way then you will need to take it back to court, a court cannot force your ex to be in direct contact with you especially if there is a history of violence however have you considered communication through a 3rd party? Whether that be a family member or legal representative/solicitors letter he does sound controlling and if you feel that this is having an impact on your child then that should be heard and acted upon.

You will need to be the proactive one though and seek help through the correct channels

Good luck x

MarcelineTheVampire Sun 16-Apr-17 23:10:30

Mimi are you saying if your child was away from you for a week that you wouldn't want to know how they are? I certainly would.

Ops exh is continuing his abuse through the DD and I absolutely would ensure that he agrees a time/day so your DD can contact you and she should be able to have a mobile phone- she should be able to contact you whenever she wants.

MarcelineTheVampire Sun 16-Apr-17 23:11:40

Oh and OP I would agree that seeking legal advice is the best course of action- don't just stop contact as it could impact negatively on you!!!

Hoptastic53 Sun 16-Apr-17 23:39:01

He only needs to be in direct contact with me regarding dates. Otherwise DD would be happy to just be allowed to contact me herself regarding anything else. I've offered to arrange dates via a third party, he ignored me.

Hoptastic53 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:02:42

She said she asked four times to call me this week and eventually he tried a number and said I didn't answer. He didn't call me angry

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