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MIL and miscarriage part 2

(20 Posts)
Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 17:55:13

Sorry this is more of a WWYD. I posted a couple a weeks ago regarding my MIL who was coming to stay following my missed miscarriage but it all went wrong as when my husband arrived to pick her up she made excuses about why she had to come home the following day so my husband ended up telling her that it wasn't worth her coming as he couldn't get her back due to working the following day.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I had a bad miscarriage where I haemorrhaged at home so needed an ambulance and had an emergency D&C and blood transfusion. My husband couldn't come with me as he was looking after our other children and I was terrified and thought I was dying, I know it sounds silly now. I actually told the nurse that I thought I was dying thinking she would think I was being ridiculous but she said all the signs were there! The doctor said I had crashed but I'm not sure what that means, I know my blood pressure was very low and body temperature. I remember shaking and having a heated blanket on me when I woke up from my D&C. Does anyone know why this was as I haven't spoken to anyone about any of this and feel really anxious.

Sorry was going off topic, my MIL has not phoned during the last 3 weeks, I think because she knows my husband is upset with her behaviour, this isn't a one off time and time again she had let us down and cancelled on us at the last minute and the occasions she has made she has criticised such as my child's birthday and christening and leaving early at our wedding.

Personally I find it hard to forget her lack of thought as I phoned her nearly every night and thought we got on especially since I lost my mum a year ago. My husband is upset and not sure how to tackle this. I personally feel very upset and angry with her that because she never sees the grandchildren it meant my husband couldn't be with me at the hospital.

I'm just asking really how to proceed from here as I don't want to be in touch with her but my husband is having mixed feelings about it all because it's his mom.

PlayOnWurtz Sun 16-Apr-17 18:00:08

Sorry for your loss. If it's any consolation my mother in law hasn't been in contact either since my mmc 3 weeks ago and surgical management 2 weeks ago. I have no advice as to how to handle this as I'm in a similar boat flowers

My mil has also had similar moments of thoughtlessness like yours too

Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:04:53

Sorry for your loss too PlayonWortz. I know we are not unique but you just want 'family' to care. I know my mum would have been there.

limon Sun 16-Apr-17 18:13:20

Sorry for your loss. It sou ds t9 me like you lost a life threatening amount of blood and came close to death, needing a blood transfusion to keep you alive. It's also very common to be shaken after a general anaesthetic.

Yanbu - you've been though a really traumatic experience flowers

APMom Sun 16-Apr-17 18:14:02

Sorry for your loss, you were shaking and very cold most likely because of the haemorrhage. The quickest way to warm you up is under the heated blanket, it's fairly traumatic to be feeling that way. Will you be able to talk to someone at the hospital to go through what happened. I was the same after a uterine rupture during a c-section and was in recovery for about 3 hours. As for your mil I don't know what you will do there.

Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:19:31

I have anxiety anyway which doesn't help but I was scared at the hospital because I was on my own. I remember the hospital staff asking me if I had anyone to be with me but I didn't and I can't help but blame myMIL for that which is probably unreasonable but I can't change how I feel and the fact she hasn't even phoned to see how things are I can't get my head around. The last thing she knew was I had a MMC and was coming to see me as I was worried about something happening and not being able to get off the toilet to look after my toddler.

FanaticalFox Sun 16-Apr-17 18:31:54

She sounds awful. I would stay NC if i were you just leave her to it. She has previous for this behaviour and it doesn't sound like she is going to change. I guess since you lost your mum you're looking for another mum figure to be there for you and your family etc but she doesnt seem to be it. I'd let your husband decide how he wants to proceed with her as its his mum, but make your own choice on how you want to proceed with her. For me it would be NC completely after all this. You can do better flowers

Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:36:18

Fanaticalfox, you've hit the nail on the head. I was looking for a mum figure and that's why I feel so let down as I know my mom wouldn't have treated us like this. I feel so isolated and wasn't coping with my mum's death and now have the miscarriage on top.

I don't see how I can go back to speaking to her after this as when the going gets tough she isn't interested.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sun 16-Apr-17 18:39:26

"Crashed" means your heart stopped. Probably a reaction to extreme blood loss or to the anaesthetic (I've reacted badly to the latter). flowers You poor thing, I bet you felt rotten afterwards (I know I did).

Your MIL might not know how close to death you were, or even know it happened - has your DH spoken to her about it? A MMC is normally v straightforward (although obvs distressing), she's probably unaware of the seriousness of what happened. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to close the distance she's created?

Littlefoxy Sun 16-Apr-17 18:49:28

No advice on MIL but look after yourself. I thought I was dying when there were complications in labour and although that really was not the case at all, it was enough of a perceived threat to give me ptsd symptoms for months after. I've had a mmc previously so know how hard that is to cope with. Put yourself first whilst you recover flowers

Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:56:49

I remember saying to the doctor that I was dying and being really scared as all I could feel was clots coming out and I felt everything getting further away and I remember hearing my mums voice telling me I could do it(that sounds crazy I know) then the doctor said when did she crash and they took crash bag with them on the way to theatre. Does crashing always mean your heart stops as I don't remember this and nobody mentioned it.

PlayOnWurtz Sun 16-Apr-17 18:58:33

It sounds like you may benefit from contacting PALS and getting a member of medical staff to go through events with you

Iggi999 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:59:15

A lot of people have no idea what the physical effects of even a "normal" miscarriage are. On tv it starts and finishes within one episode! So she may need some benefit of the doubt over this. I assume she is in the huff with your dh about not taking her with him. He should phone her. If she still doesn't show concern once she knows the facts then you will know where you stand.

Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:10:39

I think she is in a huff but to be honest I don't think she had any intention of coming anyway as her reason for going back was that she had an appointment but she was trying to make the appointment when he was there. He turned up a couple of hours early and I believe she would have phoned later that day to say she wasn't coming anyway.

wornoutboots Sun 16-Apr-17 19:27:27

freddo, the same thing happened to me last year. including thinking I was dying on a trolley in A&E. I'll never forget the sensations of the clots coming out, I told them to incinerate my trousers because they were beyond cleaning. Ended up having 3 units of blood.

sorry for the MIL troubles and your loss.

longlostpal Sun 16-Apr-17 19:40:02

What a horrible experience. You poor thing. I think you should take some time to rest and recover as best you can before making any decisions about MIL.

CountessOfStrathearn Sun 16-Apr-17 19:46:32

""Crashed" means your heart stopped. "

Just wanted to reassure you that your heart will not have stopped during that. Otherwise you would have woken up intubated and ventilated in ITU, not just under a heated blanket. (I'm a doctor.)

Most likely, and the doctor did choose his/her words badly, what happened was that your blood pressure was very low, pulse very high etc and you were in haemorrhagic shock, due to your significant blood loss. You sounded, to be fair, very, very sick.

When transferring a really sick patient, you do take lots of resus kit with you in case you have to start resus in the corridor or lift, like a monitor, defib, the drugs etc.

There are a few things you could consider. You could ask to see your consultant in her clinic to talk about what happened or you could use (and the name your hospital uses will likely differ but the gynae clinic will know) a birth afterthoughts, debriefing clinic where you go through what happened with a senior midwife.

If you are in Cambridge or London, Petals is a charity that might be able to help you with some counselling:

Sorry for your loss and hope things get a little easier for you soon.

Freddofrog1983 Sun 16-Apr-17 20:08:34

Countess, thank you, your post was very reassuring. I don't know what my blood pressure was but I remember a nurse coming in saying is that her blood pressure and she looked worried. I had 2 or 3 gynae doctors the head of A/E doctor, and 2 nurses with me. I just remember panicking.

I probably do need to go through what happened with the doctor so I will sort that out.

Snowflakes1122 Sun 16-Apr-17 20:50:08

You've had a really tough time. sad

Your mmc sounds very much like mine (I lost 3 litres during treatment for my mmc at 13 weeks. Retained placenta caused haemorrhage, went into hypervolemic(sp?) shock and has a room full working on me before being rushed for emergency d&c)

I also shook after waking up from the d&c. Teeth chattering. I think it's quite common given the trauma.

It's a traumatic horrible experience, and it's going to take some time to process and get through not only the mmc but how it all happened. Have you talked to your doctor about what happened? I found my doctor immensely helpful and supportive.

I think right now, park the stuff with mil and focus on getting better and looking after yourself. Your probably feeling quiet emotionally fragile right now and don't need the extra upset.

Just want to add, things get easier and time is a healer with this sort of thing. Please be gentle and kind to yourself.

Littlefoxy Sun 16-Apr-17 21:06:58

Brilliant advice from countess I had a debrief after my difficult labour. Really helped me make sense of what had happened.

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