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To think although all the people I'm encountering this weekend think I'm a jerk, I'm not the jerk?

(27 Posts)
Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 14:50:45

I once read somewhere if you encounter one jerk in a day then bad luck they are the jerk, however if you encounter lots it's probably you.

This made sense and I do now think if everyone is winding me up it's probably me at fault. However this weekend has been one argument after another some petty things some major things and I don't think I'm in the wrong but maybe MN jury will tell me I am!

First argument with my dad - was meant to see him this weekend, he cancelled last minute as he and his partner have been invited to his partner's daughter's house. He said with blended families you have to compromise I said very true just it was sad that it was always me that had to compromise as you spent August Bank Holiday, Christmas, New Year and now Easter with them. He told me I was being petty and unreasonable.

Second argument was with my partner - we looked at 11 houses that I had selected, he said no to every one we viewed. I asked for either reasons for the no or what had he got in mind. He said I was expecting him to compromise on everything I asked compromise on what what did he want (area is right just properties not but I think he wants property that's £150k more but he's not said that and we can't afford that so...) he said I should know what he wants if I knew him and then said I was so unwilling to hear his viewpoint.

Third argument adult child wants to watch Rogue One, asks if they can have cinema TV over the Easter weekend, I said we have people over Saturday night and I needed to tidy before they came so not Sat pm/eve, but any other time is absolutely fine. Third time I get told I don't know how to compromise and why does everything have to revolve around me. They haven't spoken to me since, but seemed to enjoy the company of their friends as well as mine that came over last night.

Fourth and Final (hopefully) argument from my teenager - I was taking the dog for a walk asked if they wanted to come, they said yes if we went to woods an hour in the car away, I said not today as the car has charity stuff in it so can't fit the bike in, but we can head to the woods or the beach or wherever but just had to be from the house. Why am I so inflexible and only think of myself, and no they won't spend time with me. Now they aren't talking to me.

So 4 people have told me in 3 days, I'm selfish, uncompromising and only think of myself because I didn't immediately just say yes whatever.

So am I really being the one that's off? Or is it everyone around me?

I am now having a peaceful couple of days as no one is uttering a word to me.

worriedmumtoteen Sun 16-Apr-17 14:55:41

YANBU. From what you've posted you are reasonable and everyone else is being a selfish twat. I'm sorry, op.

WorraLiberty Sun 16-Apr-17 14:56:49

It's hard to say because obviously, all of this has been recounted from your own perspective.

We can only get one side of a story on MN, so it wouldn't be fair to say yes or no if you see what I mean?

Unhelpful I know blush

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Sun 16-Apr-17 14:57:39

Honestly I think its not you its them, you sound fine, I would just enjoy the peace, personally nobody talking to me would be heavengrin

PastysPrincess Sun 16-Apr-17 15:00:01

1. If you already had plans in place it was very rude of your father to cancel.
2. You can't bloody read his mind. If you aren't finding properties he likes, he needs to find some himself.
3. Perfectly reasonable. If they wanted it sooner they could have helped clean up to get it done quickly and maybe there wiuld have been time to watch it.
4. They had a choice, take it or leave it. Again if they were so desperate they could have offered to empty and repack the car.

Tell them all to do one and run yourself a 🛀 and have a glass of 🍷

Allthebestnamesareused Sun 16-Apr-17 15:00:11

It's not you flowers

Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 15:02:15

Worry that's very true I tried to be objective but of course my perspective

Sfa I am coming round to that way of thinking I was/am feeling hurt but embracing calm walk and the peace.

MirabelleTree Sun 16-Apr-17 15:05:00

I've noticed that in some families one person is expected to accommodate everyone else all the time. In my friend's family it almost seems to ge the family hobby to rip into her, very sad to see.

StillRunningWithScissors Sun 16-Apr-17 15:05:04

I'm wondering, are you a person that is usually very accommodating bends over backwards for your family without a complaint most of the time, and then when you actually need some compromises made its a shock to them?

As it reads, you've been reasonable. Hope you enjoy the peace :-)

StillRunningWithScissors Sun 16-Apr-17 15:06:32

Cross posted with Mirabelle

Bluntness100 Sun 16-Apr-17 15:06:36

Well obviously from your perspective you're not being and you have recounted it in such a way no one can say you're not being. It would be interesting to see what your sparring partners would post as their side of it.

An example being, why can't your kids watch tv whilst you're tidying? Could something have been easily taken out the car to fit the bike in? Was your husband invovled in picking the houses to view? How much did you account for his wants?

But agree on your version they are all unreasonable...

Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 15:09:27

I fear you may be my friend it does sometimes appear like that!

Yes I only ever say no for a reason if I can do it then I will
So Dad got an oh ok for the last three occasions this time he got a that's sad we have to compromise (i.e. polietly called him out on it) I was wrong

Partner don't know what's going on with that one

Children I did explain why there were constraints not just a flat no

EllaHen Sun 16-Apr-17 15:10:21


You need to learn to be more selfish. Your family seem to expect you to always acquiesce to their wishes.

As for your father. Spineless person who I would have lost respect for over his letting you down. Horrible.

Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 15:13:54

Bluntness - because the big tv is in the main reception room of the house and it was evil a bit messy and the hoovering etc would have disturbed the film.

The car could have been emptied good point I didn't think to suggest that but neither did the teenager.

Re houses I chose 20 out of 85 in the area at our price, showed him 20 he said he'd view 11 (outside not booked viewings to see if we'd contact agent) he said no to all.

MrsTwix Sun 16-Apr-17 15:15:56

It could be that you have allowed the people around you to be jerks and they don't like it now you don't want to tolerate it anymore?

They will cope.

Bluntness100 Sun 16-Apr-17 15:17:30

Then I'd say no your not being unreasonable on the houses, but the hoovering could have been done earlier, it doesn't take so long, and the kids could have had their movie still and yes, you could have taken something out of the car and went to the woods and had a nice walk with company.

On your dad I'm not so sure, sounds unreasonable but there could be deeper reasons he needs to go with his partner....

fuzzywuzzy Sun 16-Apr-17 15:18:59

I don't think YABU.

Sounds like everyone expects you to be the one who always rolls over and for once you didn't so they're pissed off.

I'd put myself first a bit more.

As for your partner, does he want to move? Sounds like he's making up reasons to reject your suggestions for his own reasons and nothing to do with you. Has he put forward any suggestions of his own? I'd tell him to then choose some houses himself and you'll go along and view them with him. See what his criteria is.

PickAChew Sun 16-Apr-17 15:25:28

Who is more desperate to move? You or your dh?

I think it's his turn to do some searching and come up with ideas.

Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 15:26:28

I was working so could only do it in the afternoon but lounge was free in the morning, or everyone else was at home and I'm not precious over the hoover wink

Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 15:29:46

The funny thing re the move it's him who wants to move, he wants to be closer to work. I'm not fussed either way, my only thing is the packing! But I've not voiced that.

shesnotme Sun 16-Apr-17 15:31:33

Do you normally give in?

Notajerkmaybe Sun 16-Apr-17 15:36:20

I don't give in as such as when I say no I'm known for not backing down.

However I rarely say no.

Mrdarcyfanclub Sun 16-Apr-17 15:45:33

Op agree with pps you sound really easy going and people expect you just to suck it up. They need to get used to you being more assertive about getting what you want. As for the house move, I'd just leave the organisation of it to him as he's the one pushing for it. I can't bear people who say, you make some suggestions, and then knock back every one you make. I think it's a control thing.

Mrdarcyfanclub Sun 16-Apr-17 15:47:09

Ps, I think your father is being particularly selfish. And also I would become much more conscious of when people are playing the guilt card. Once you become aware they're doing it habitually, it loses its power.

gleam Sun 16-Apr-17 15:51:13

It's not you, it's them. flowersbrewcaketbusmile

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