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AIBU?

To cancel easter dinner for emotional DD? senstive subject

299 replies

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:32

We were supposed to be having a big easter roast with some friends today. House has been decorated,dinner is all ready for later but DD has had a break down.

Dd was abused by a family friend for a long time before we found out and since then she's been understandably,unstable. This morning she's been very confused,she wants this person to join us for dinner and at the same time she hates him.

Of course I told her that there is no way we will be having him over and that she is safe now and this caused her to kick off. She's cried,hurt herself,told me she hates him but at the same time misses him,there's so much on her mind but she won't talk to me about how she feels.

At the moment she's on a waiting list for counselling but during school holidays,when she has a lot more free time she completely breaks down.

Aibu to tell everyone we can't host dinner tonight because of this or is that too extreme?

OP posts:

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dinosaursandtea · 16/04/2017 10:36

Oh that poor girl - her reactions are totally understandable, she must be feeling awful. Maybe go out for a walk with her and have a chat, then see how she feels?

Lostthefairytale · 16/04/2017 10:37

I can't see how anyone can really advise you on this one. She's your daughter, you know her best, you are in the best position to make the decision. Are the others attending aware of what has happened to your daughter?

Trb17 · 16/04/2017 10:38

Jeez no it's not too extreme! Your DD was abused and a dinner isn't more important than that!

Please tell me the man was charged/prosecuted/convicted and is no longer anywhere near her or your family?

Jellybean85 · 16/04/2017 10:40

Your poor dd and poor you. It's a truly shit situation.
As someone who was also abused as a child by a family member I remember the gut wrenching confusion of hating but still missing them (they went to prison for it)
Agree with pp who said walk and time to have a think.
Everyone's different but I remember sometimes extreme emotions passed quickly and I craved normality.
Ask your dd what she wants and make sure she knows either option is fine
You're doing a great job just by listening and trying to maker her comfortable

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:41

The others aren't aware,I don't want to create any drama by cancelling on them but I didn't know easter was going to be a trigger for Dd. She's locked herself in her room now. I'm not sure that even once she's calmed down,she'll be okay with everyone over

OP posts:

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:43

Dd doesn't feel able to tell the police all that has happened so he has not been prosecuted,they've dropped the case until Dd is ready to come forward

OP posts:

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:43

But he no longer sees me or Dd

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blue2014 · 16/04/2017 10:44

Give it a little time and then ask her what she needs today

Also for her to know how normal her feelings are. I'm sorry this happened

RueDeDay · 16/04/2017 10:44

Perhaps you could come down with a conveniently timed tummy bug and be totally unable to cook for everyone?

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/04/2017 10:44

Nothing you can do to safeguard your DD's emotional health will ever be too extreme. Ever.

Pestilentialone · 16/04/2017 10:45

Well perhaps they should be aware. Is this person abusing anyone else's children?
Or have you kept it a secret?

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 16/04/2017 10:45

I would tell the family that, sorry, daughter is unwell. No meal today. No explanation.

Do not let them blame your daughter and make it sound like a usual thing (do not let them think she is having a "tantrum").

I've been in this situation (I was your daughter) and someone stepping in and making the decisions will more than likely help.

ProudBadMum · 16/04/2017 10:46

I think you need to speak to her and explain that he won't be coming but her feelings are normal.

I think family should know so they don't let this man near their own kids!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 16/04/2017 10:46

YANBU. I think it is also very important to tell her it is not her fault.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 16/04/2017 10:47

No yanbu, your poor dd your primary concern is your Dd and if anyone gets upset over this then tough luck. As you said she's confused and very emotional, a whole lot of people around may just overwhelm her.
If these people are also friends with him, this might upset her even more being around them.
Maybe try taking her out, get her to just find some calm and give her lots of support.

brexitstolemyfuture · 16/04/2017 10:47

Cancel it, i feel for the wee one

GoldStars3 · 16/04/2017 10:48

So sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

Cancelling the dinner would be entirely reasonable. It depends I think on whether your gut (or your daughter, if she's able) tells you that what she needs most right now is to know that not everything has changed and nice things like Easter still happen normally, or to know that she has the right to not feel like carrying on as normal today, and she has your support in that.

It's a tough one.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/04/2017 10:53

I would personally cancel. If the meal today is likely to cause her more distress than if it were cancelled, it's really a no brainer.

Perhaps a quiet day on the sofa with a film or just giving her a bit of space to relax without worrying about people arriving would be the best thing for her.

horizontilting · 16/04/2017 10:53

Would it help to cancel and spend the day doing very low-key things with her like watching a boxset or whatever suits her age? Or a long drive or something very low-demand which gives her the chance to talk further while trusting she only has to raise things if she wants to, but it could help her feel you're very much "there" with her. It could be very hard for her to have the further disconnect of pretending everything is okay in front of a gathering, and cancelling it may help to remove that stress of that from both of you so you can focus on yourselves. She may well need you to make the decision for her about cancelling. Poor girl and poor you. I had the same thing happen, wish my mother had been like you. Best wishes to you both.

Trb17 · 16/04/2017 10:54

It concerns me that this man is out there without anyone knowing he's a sexual predator and he could be doing it to others. That said I understand that your DD comes first to you.

I got the feeling from your posts that whilst he doesn't see you he might if you allowed it. I'm struggling to comprehend how you don't seem to come across angry at him after what he's done but that could just be how the written word comes across.

Either way I'd cancel the meal. Say you're sick or something if you can't say why. Make the choices for her. She needs you to do that right now.

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:54

Thank you all and sorry to all of you who have gone through it too.

I am planning on telling the others as they've already been asking why he won't be coming today,the last few months have been difficult so I haven't said anything yet.. Only one of my friends know as they have DC and I didn't want anything to happen to them.

I've been trying to her Dd out her room to talk but no luck. I don't want to upset her even more so I've said 'Dd,would you like to come downstairs in 10mins and go for a walk?'

OP posts:

Dozer · 16/04/2017 10:56

Cancel.

Trb17 · 16/04/2017 10:57

I think telling the others is the right thing to do and glad you've warned your friend with DC.

Hopefully your DD will feel able to talk soon

dowhatnow · 16/04/2017 10:58

Be guided by your dd or your instincts.

Can you give the food to one of the friends so they can take over hosting?

WobbleEaster · 16/04/2017 10:59

Believe me ,I am beyond angry at this person. I just don't know where to go with it legally because Dd doesn't want to talk to the police about it in detail yet and there is nothing put in place to stop him from seeing her apart from me.
This man has ruined my daughter's childhood,there is no way he will ever be part of our lives again

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