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Break things off with New Boyfriend after our date?

(100 Posts)
NCFTP1 Sun 16-Apr-17 10:15:17

WARNING LONG POST!! (and slightly personal)

So, I recently started seeing someone, I am currently pregnant with my ex's baby, but that ended a long time ago as he started drinking excessively and becoming physically abusive (this only started after I got pregnant). Anyway..

We wen't out yesterday for our normal date/day, And before we even made it to lunch, He had already drunk 3 (alcoholic) drinks and already slightly drunk (He hadn't eaten all day) and tried to get all Touchy. I wouldn't have minded, but things like trying to stick his hand down my trousers in a fully packed restaurant in front of people made me uncomfortable. I told him this, and he wouldn't stop.

Admittedly, The night before we are talking quite rudely :$ but I made clear to him nothing would happen the next day due to the fact we were going to be in public and I'm not comfortable with being sexual in public.. plus I'm 8 months pregnant.. and even though we talk rude sometimes, He knows full well im not ready for physical stuff at the moment, Something he says he understands and will wait for. Yes, I was beginning to feel comfortable with the idea of sex with him, but now I have just lost all trust.

During dinner he would ''playfully'' (to him, but not me) dig his nails into my hand or bite my fingers to the point of really hurting me and then made a comment about ''How can I be submissive during sex if I couldn't handle him being dominant''. It's a completely different situation.

We decided to go for a walk and ended up in another pub where he had another 4 drinks. But this time, he was slurring words, Walking into doors.. he was drunk, But whenever I tried to say ''We should call it a day..(even though it was only 4 o'clock in the afternoon and we only met up at 12.30pm) He would tell me to stop making comments about him drinking because it made him feel bad. This was all just putting me in a bad place as it was like being with my ex again.

Nether the less, I didn't stand up and leave.. mainly because i'd have felt bad leaving him there like that.

Soon the conversation turned into ''I think we should get a hotel next week''. I tried to shrug the conversation off as it wasn't the time nor place, It turned into him TELLING me that once my son was born, I should go on birth control because he didn't want kids. I explained that I couldn't take the pill (as I tried before and it didn't react well to my body) and the idea of the implant or coil wasn't something I liked.. But said I'd think about it. He just continued to pressure me, Until I just shut down and stopped talking until he got the message and dropped it.

He decided to miss his bus and stay longer, Which I didn't like because it meant he had to spend a ton of money on taxi's to get home.. and I just wanted to go home at this point. We went for a walk, hoping that maybe we could just .. be normal for a bit, But then he suggested another pub. I completely shut down the idea (though he wouldnt stop suggesting it) and we went and sat down by the river.

Thats when things just got to much for me. He kept asking me to put my hand down his trousers and touch him, I kept saying no, He tried to force my hand and I pulled away. He started getting a little too rough and hurting me (By grabbing my hands or gripping my chin for kisses). When we were sat down, Despite me saying No, Stop, He shoved his hand down my trousers.

He started asking for ''proper'' kisses, which were kissing with tongue, Not something I've ever liked, and again, I said no. I didn't want to and just from kissing his lips, I could smell and taste the alcohol, At which point, He grabbed my face and tried to force his tongue into my mouth, I pushed him away but he wouldn't stop, eventually, I had to scream for him to stop, and he did. I started crying and he apologized and told me not to shout ''Stop or No'' because we were in public and people were looking. I felt completely unsafe.

After that I was pretty cold towards him while he kept saying sorry and I walked back to my bus to go home. He came with because he didn't want me to walk alone. I couldn't stop him, So I just ignored him.

He DID say how because he bought me an Easter egg, He deserved what he wanted and I shouldn't talk rude with him, if when we meet I wasn't going to do anything (though what we spoke about the night before had nothing to do with being anything when we met) . He made me feel like it was my fault and I was a tease or something, Which, Is playing on my mind. I just feel that... Even if we did talk a certain way the night before, Should It mean I should put up with that he did? Is it my fault? Was he this way simply because he had to much to drink?

To make it all worse, When I got home, My mum told me that our family dog had passed away while I was out, I was completely crushed, and I messaged him (IDK way, Maybe for someone to talk to) ... He has yet to reply. I messaged him again this morning and said we shouldn't be together anymore.

AIBU? Am I to blame for what happened? :'(

ladyratterley Sun 16-Apr-17 10:19:20

Please, please stay rid of him. He's vile.
Concentrate on your new arrival.
Of course YANBU.

MostIneptThatEverStepped Sun 16-Apr-17 10:19:35

This person sounds like an absolute nightmare. An awful, awful person.
Block, ignore, NC. Please never contact him again, seriously.

user1486669405 Sun 16-Apr-17 10:19:46

Jesus, no way would I ever see him again. He sounds foul, with a drink problem! You are about to welcome a beautiful child into the world. You'll have your hands full without this knob. Plus, chances are you won't want sex for a good while.

BewtySkoolDropowt Sun 16-Apr-17 10:21:13

Dump, dump, dump! If he is that vile early on, he will be impossible a few months down the line.

Blanca87 Sun 16-Apr-17 10:22:42

No way. He sounds like a top of the range c u next tuesday. Totally gross. You've done the right thing.

Nanny0gg Sun 16-Apr-17 10:23:55

Have your baby, concentrate on him.

And stay away from men until you understand boundaries and can enforce them.

SmileEachDay Sun 16-Apr-17 10:24:10

Don't see him again. Block him. He's a prick.

No, you're not to blame.

Good luck with your baby brew

thepatchworkcat Sun 16-Apr-17 10:25:05

Get rid. He sounds awful and none of it is your fault.

CantChoose Sun 16-Apr-17 10:25:14

I only read the first couple of paragraphs and it was making me feel uncomfortable just reading it. Run. Run far away. This guy is a total creep.

AntiHop Sun 16-Apr-17 10:25:15

Fucking hell he behaved appallingly. Run away, fast. You did nothing wrong. Even if you'd said you wanted sex and changed your mind, and did nothing wrong. But anyway you didn't. You made it very clear that you didn't want sex.

This man is dangerous. Stay far away.

Nocabbageinmyeye Sun 16-Apr-17 10:25:24

He is a pig.

No you should never see him again, BUT I think you need to work on your confidence/assertiveness, you should have walked out hours before you did, you are worth more than any of that. Once he had three drinks before lunch and got touchy was the time to get your coat and go. You are 8 months pregnant, who dates a stranger at 8 months pregnant? He is a prick, he is 100% wrong so this is not victim blaming before anyone says it is. After all that you text him?? Come on, you and your child are worth more than that

how old are you? your post makes you sound young, but anyway whatever your age it sounds like you need to be on your own for a bit and look forward to your baby. I suspect you feel like you need / want a partner but have not yet found the maturity to know how to be you and on your own. you don't need a man in your life to be happy and certainly not one like the last two! he sounds young / immature too and no way would I want someone in life who made me feel like he seems to have made you feel. He has no rights over you or your body regardless of any conversation you have had with him. please please take a step back concentrate on your future with your child and wait until someone comes along who makes you feel happy and content not awful like he did, learn about yourself and your own needs and don't 'settle' for someone just because they show you some attention.

CantChoose Sun 16-Apr-17 10:26:08

nanny the person who doesn't understand boundaries here is not the OP...

MyOtherNameIsTaken Sun 16-Apr-17 10:26:40

You are not to blame. If he's like this now... he's showing you who he really is. Run a mile! You don't want to be in a relationship, with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries like that.

lalalalyra Sun 16-Apr-17 10:26:58

Run. Run fast and don't look back.

You are supposed to be in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. It should still be holding in of farts and politely listening to shit music because the other likes it at less than 8 months together

HerOtherHalf Sun 16-Apr-17 10:27:09

It really concerns me that you even need to ask if you're being unreasonable or are in any way to blame. He is vile beyond words on so many levels. That you have doubts suggests to me that your self-esteem is really fragile, possibly because of your previously abusive relationship and maybe prior factors. Please do not have anything more to do with this horrible man. Apart from anything else, you are about to have a baby and he has no interest in kids. Do you really want to raise your child with a sexually abusive, problem drinker who hates kids?

Pohara1 Sun 16-Apr-17 10:28:53

You are absolutely not to blame for his behaviour. You said no, you asked him to stop. It doesn't matter what was said the night before, or that he bought you an Easter egg, he could have bought you a whole flock of gold egg laying hens and it still wouldn't matter. You said you messaged him saying that you don't think you should see him again, stick to that.

Birdsgottaf1y Sun 16-Apr-17 10:29:35

I think that you are a fetish interest to him and you need to end it.

Keep well away. The fact that you need to ask if you are to blame is worrying.

Was you ex, or childhood abusive?

ToastDemon Sun 16-Apr-17 10:31:09

That is awful. Please never see this person again or allow someone else to treat you like that.

icanteven Sun 16-Apr-17 10:31:54

Please don't see this man again. You don't need this in your life, not now and not ever.

The fact that you are wavering makes me think that maybe you should consider participating in the Freedom Programme to help you avoid this situation from cropping up again.

Just to be clear, he is a bastard, probably an alcoholic, and he tried to sexually assault you in public and bully you into NOT screaming because "people might stare". He would almost certainly have assaulted you far worse had you been in a private place with him.

Peanutbuttercheese Sun 16-Apr-17 10:33:23

Do not see this man, he is for sure someone who will be abusive and has been already bu seeing how far he can go and not respecting your request. Block him in every way on social media etc.

Abusers are attracted to vulnerable women. This is when people can get annoyed with comments like this it's not victim blaming but having worked with a DV charity for a while they absolutely do target women they think are vulnerable. The fact you have to ask the question shows your boundaries are a bit skewed. There will be a reason for this, I would advise no dating at all for a while and to work on yourself and speak to women's aid.

A flashpoint for men to become abusive is when their partners become pregnant. Well done for getting out of that relationship.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 16-Apr-17 10:34:34

Yes please end it. And BDSM is founded on consent and it sounds like there was coercion and manipulation here. The fact that you are pregnant makes you vulnerable and it sounds like he is playing on it.

MistressMolecules Sun 16-Apr-17 10:35:28

Nanny, Seriously?! the OP is not the one struggling to understand boundaries - it is the dick of a boyfriend (hopefully ex), she said no to his behaviour and that should be enough to enforce the boundaries she has. Please do not lay the fault for his actions at her feet. She was not at fault.

OP, you are well rid - he sounds like a fucking menace. Concentrate on looking after yourself and your precious little bundle that you will soon be welcoming!

Marmalade85 Sun 16-Apr-17 10:35:31

OP none of this is your fault. I also recommend the Freedom Programme as I sense you cannot spot abuse. When you have your child you will need to protect them so please don't allow this man in your lives. He is taking advantage because you're pregnant and vulnerable.

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