Dumped by husband(185 Posts)
I'm an avid MN reader but never posted.
Bit of back story: been with DH for 10 years, married for 18mths. Had 1st baby 9 mths ago - DD. She's a brilliant baby, eats, sleeps, sociable. However I've been struggling with the isolation of being home a lot more, not going out and seeing friends. Generally feeling a bit lonely. And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.
So the AIBU but also WWYD bit is this (& please be honest but kind if I'm just being pathetic)... yesterday, went out with DH and DD for a walk/fresh air and for some very rare time when it's just the 3 of us doing 'something' and spending quality time together. Nipped into local pub for drink and feed DD, and DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds. Buys us some fizz to celebrate. Having a fab time. After drinks, head out to another place that does drinks but also food. Starts discussing dinner and decide on takeaway as DD is getting tired and it's nearly her bedtime.
Then he gets a message from a friend who asks to join us. DH then says (in a joking but serious can I sort of way) could he stay out with friend and I take DD home. I say that's not fair or nice on me and I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't respond but carries on chatting/playing with DD. Friend turns up and within 5 mins asks if DH can stay out (obviously been texting each other). Both then start laughing, chatting, etc but ignore me and DD. DH then asks in front of friend that he wants to stay out and will pay for me to a taxi home. Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain). I've never stopped DH going out or doing anything in fact. I'm pretty laid back. Probably a pushover! By now I'm fed up, upset and annoyed. I feel our lovely afternoon and evening spending some quality time together has been spoilt and I've been sent home and dismissed like some 1950s housewife or even secretary. I go home (& walk because I don't want his bloody money).
At home, I put DD to bed and go to bed myself crying. DH comes home hours later (gone midnight) and is so drunk he falls asleep on couch! Good!
His turn to get DD up (7am) and breakfast this morn - doesn't cos he's hungover. Asks why I'm upset! Then says I'm ruining his fun. I never let him go out and see friends! (Btw he goes football every week and since DD has had 4 times as many nights out that me - I've counted). He says I'm being unreasonable. I'm fed up. I feel hurt and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me MN!
I would feel hurt too, lovely afternoon and then evening planned to then just switch it to go out and get hammered with a friend. Sounds like he doesn't realise he's an adult with a child now, nights out need a bit more planning, let alone letting you down. The friend was also rude.
Oh you poor thing. I remember those months very well - both adjusting to parenthood. He is being an almighty idiot, you must feel so angry. Rightly so.
Wait until this is over (I know that's hard) and establish the new rules for you both, now you are parents. These should include things like a bit more notice for going out, respect regarding being 'allowed' out, turn taking with the baby, etc.
I would be inclined to do my own thing today or maybe tomorrow. Ask him to loosen the ball off the chain and see how he likes it
YANBU. He was out with his family and then ditched you when a better offer came along. Very selfish and hurtful.
No you are not. Please make plans for yourself next weekend. Dh can stay home.
IMO he was not U to want to go out with his friend rather than spend the evening with you and DD (providing he would be fine with you doing likewise) but the way he asked - and involving his rude friend - was crap.
If you think he has more leisure time than you, seek to address that with him. It doesn't necessarily all need to be the same in terms of time of day and what you do - eg my DH likes to socialise in the evening, I like to do exercise in the daytime.
I hope you are returning to work after maternity leave: you sound concerned about aspects of your current AH role, and there seem to be Qs about your DH's attitudes.
Of course YANBU. Horrible way to treat someone, let alone someone you are meant to love.
Brace yourself though - there will be many posters who will feel diddums needs a night out.
Is betting something he does frequently? It seems unlikely to have won such a large sum of money from a bet of just a couple of pounds.
"go on mum, release the ball and chain" - people have killed for less. I know that was his friend, but still.
He sounds immature and selfish. Did he want the baby? Did he not realise the impact a baby would have on your lives? He knew you were not happy but put his own social life and his friend above his wife and daughter. If it happens rarely it doesn't really matter, but it sounds like a pattern is developing.
Well I have very different views on this to most mumsnetters in that i wouldn't and have never had a problem with it and my husband wouldn't have and has never had a problem if it is me. I'd just have given him a kiss and said have fun. We have also never counted out our nights out and been competitive on that score. I'm not sure how a nice afternoon was spoiled as his evening continued with a friend and why you both had to go home.
But again, I know that my husband and I go against the grain here and many will feel the same as you.
The issue is I think you are feeling a bit lonely so relying on him for social contact so it hurts more when he doesn't provide enough of it in the way you wish. And he is being wholly unreasonable not to recognise that. Have you explained your feelings about being at home more and feeling lonely to him?
So he's not dumped you, he just decided to party on a bit more?
The perfect way to deal with it, the next morning is his turn to deal with DD, he deals with her no matter what. Hope that she does the biggest nappy that makes him reconsider the previous night.
YUNBU - as a male MNetter I really do despair reading about this sort of thing, he needs to grow up and put his family first, he is behaving like a spoiled child and you should not put up with it.
I'm actually really angry for you! The problem is your DH, not the friend, even though the friend is a twat. Is the friend single?
Yanbu, it seems like he felt he did his 'duty' and now should be released to have the actual fun. You poor thing I can imagine how hurtful this was
Not nice of him to ditch you & his friend to say that!
But yes like someone else said I would make plans for next weekend, a night out for yourself & he can look after DD.
When he does shit like this always try to balance it out so he realises it works both ways!
Tell him he's looking after Dd today hang over or not and you're off out to have some fun.
YANBU I would be so upset.
Ex had form for this - one of many reasons he is now an ex! It's shitty, selfish behaviour.
This is not the way a mature man treats the woman and child he loves. I get that he wanted to stay out. It's his modus that leaves a lot to be desired.
I think the issue is that you need to be able to have some time off too. Focus on building up things you would like to do. It is ok to facilitate him goung out as long as it is reciprocal.
Release the ball and chain? I can't stand that kind of old fashioned crap. I bet his friend is the same kind of bloke that thinks going to lap dancing clubs on a night out is just boys being boys!
YANBU. You were having a nice 'family' day with plans already in place for your evening. Your DH should've told his mate he was having a family day and arranged to go out another night.
I think understanding the loss of spontaneity once you have a baby is one of the hardest things to adjust to. I found it really hard and so did DH because we both were very spontaneous.
Your DH's mate does sound like a prick though and you might find this happens again if mate doesn't have children or is single.
We have two children under two and we match evening for evening, he has an evening or day to do his own thing and then I do. It has to be fair otherwise resentment will grow.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.