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Gay pub man

(20 Posts)
boxshed Sun 16-Apr-17 01:52:14

I need to start this by saying I'm not going to do anything about it because I wouldn't recognise him if I walked past him in the street and also because the police would probably not be interested. I've also name changed as I have told a couple of people about this.

I kinda need to get this off my chest.

Ages ago, maybe 2 years or more I was out with my DP and some friends. We went for dinner then to a pub. My friends left and DP and I stayed in the pub for another drink or 2 til our train was due.

DP went to the toilet and a man (who was with his friends) came up to me. I'm not sure what he said (it all happened in a split moment) but it was something like "can I kiss you" or "I'm going to kiss you" then he shoved his tongue down my throat. Then he went back to his mates who then said "Oi she's with her boyfriend". He then said to me "oh it's ok I'm gay"

The reason I'm thinking about it now is because DP and I walked past the pub earlier and he reminded me of the incident and I told him how angry I still feel about it. I told him of a MN thread I read about all women at one point being subject to sexual harassment and until being reminded about it I was sure I had never been.

We are both annoyed we never done anything at the time due to shock and disbelief and maybe even brushing it off as "one of those things".

I'm still so angry about it several years on. I mean, if the guy was straight then it would not have been ok but he (he being the weird kissing guy) brushed it off as being ok because he was gay and therefore not sexually attracted to me so it meant nothing.

Before anyone starts slating DP I never told him until the next day I don't think so I don't know what he would have done. I really wouldn't recognised the guy if I came face to face with him. Also, the pub we were in is considered a gay pub although not in a typically gay scene area.

It doesn't affect my day to day living so I don't need counselling but it does make me angry when I think about it. Which to be fair is once or twice a year but I'm just so fucking angry about it.

I don't know what I'm asking here really, apart from AIBU to think this is not ok regardless of the guys sexual orientation?

boxshed Sun 16-Apr-17 01:57:07

I'm sorry for the title I didn't know what to put

user1491572121 Sun 16-Apr-17 02:00:46

YANBU to be upset still but you do need to try to move on. I had similar in that a gay friend of mine held me down and groped me one night. I was so angry! I couldn't and can't fathom why a gay man would do that.

MercuryInTransit Sun 16-Apr-17 02:03:32

Sorry you had this experience boxshed.
You were sexually assaulted.

It does not matter what sexual orientation the man who committed this crime was, rape and sexual assault is a power crime, a hate crime.

Please call a rape crisis centre and talk to someone there, they are interested in you and how you feel, and can help you.

Please take care and know that you're not alone. I've had this experience also. Counselling made me see I was a survivor of a crime, not a victim.

helpimitchy Sun 16-Apr-17 02:12:10

Sexual assault isn't about sex, it's about power and showing you who's boss.

Madwoman5 Sun 16-Apr-17 02:14:12

No matter who did it, male, female, straight or gay, this was sexual assault. You need to speak to a professional who can help you come to terms with what happened.

boxshed Sun 16-Apr-17 02:27:44

This is the thing, I'm not traumatised by it, it doesn't keep me awake at night, I generally don't think about it when I go about my day to day life and it definitely wasn't rape. I don't want to call any specialist helpline and take the service away from people that need their help.

It just makes me so.fucking.angry.

I'm right though aren't I, it's assault regardless of him being gay or straight. So why did he ever think it was ok and to brush it off as "oh it's ok cos I'm gay"

boxshed Sun 16-Apr-17 02:28:22

Also, thanks for all the replies. It's nice to know I'm not going mad and it was NOT ok for him to do that.

pinkunicornsarefluffy Sun 16-Apr-17 02:34:16

OP, I had similar in a pub in Brighton. I was on a weekend away with a group of female friends. This gay bloke came over chatting to us and was a bit OTT. I tried to ignore him but friends talked to him. He then "motor boated" me.

I was horrified and nearly in tears but my friends were all laughing and saying , oh he's gay so what does it matter.

It was still an unwanted assault on my boobs!

I got over it but if it's still affecting you then maybe you should talk to someone about it.

youvegottabekiddingme Sun 16-Apr-17 02:44:43

Oh my gosh.....I feel so angry reading these things. Yes it was definitely wrong of him, it was an assault. No one has the right or privilege to touch anyone at all.
I'd hope women could react in such a situation and knock the person to the ground or something, that's how angry it makes me. But obviously in the moment we tend to freeze. So sad what women go through and politely put up with sad

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 16-Apr-17 02:45:10

Assault is assault no matter what the orientation of the person assaulting you.

I read that most male on male rapes are committed by men who self identify as heterosexual, which confirms that rape and sexual assault is almost never about sex but about power and dominance as a pp said.

You have every right to be fucking angry, I would be more worried if you werent tbh.

boxshed Sun 16-Apr-17 02:47:13

Thanks for your experience pinkunicorn and sorry you had a similar experience. I don't feel the need to talk to someone. I just get angry when I remember the incident. I think it's anger that I didn't say anything at the time and just acted like a silly girl and laughed it off albeit with this face --->hmm

I've grown a lot since and like to think if it happened now I would put him in his place.

boxshed Sun 16-Apr-17 02:48:30

Sorry I mean thanks for _ sharing_ your experience. blush

Lochan Sun 16-Apr-17 03:03:25

If a rich man stole your purse, not because he wanted the money but just because he could, would it be any less a crime?

No of course not.

He assaulted you. His sexuality is irrelevant.

You are entitled to your anger.

I was assaulted as a student 20 years ago. I still feel angry about it.

user1491572121 Sun 16-Apr-17 03:25:36

A friend of mine (who happens to be a drag queen and a gay man) said to me that misogyny is actually pretty rife in gay circles. It's something he struggles with being a big part of the gay community as a drag queen but he also reassured me that plenty of gay men (especially drag queens) are calling it out more and more...it's an unfortunate effect he thinks from the times when gay men were rejected from society as a whole (even more than now) and as men...their natural anger was misdirected at times.

The man who held me down and groped me was a good friend. It was a very weird experience on the whole and I still remember how horrible it felt.

JungleInTheRumble Sun 16-Apr-17 06:30:06

It's funny how these things stay with you. Idk if it's because society has conditioned us that it's "just a joke" so then you feel silly for feeling like it's a big deal. It kinda is a big deal though. This guy assaulted you and the anger and feelings associated with that aren't just going to disappear no matter how much society tells you that for whatever reason it's just harmless banter...

morningrunner Sun 16-Apr-17 06:39:50

This just shows how important it is to drill into our kids how prevalent sexual assault is, how they will likely react if it happens( i.e. Shock and embarrassment ) and how they should react (make a fuss and report it asap). I wish someone had said this to me when I was growing up sad

Snap8TheCat Sun 16-Apr-17 06:44:59

Most pubs have CCTV and so if you wanted to report this incident, they could find him that way. It would have to be quick through before it's recorded over.

Chloe84 Sun 16-Apr-17 07:03:45

So sorry that happened to you OP, and user and pink.

I have experienced verbal harassment, groping, and also quick touches to boob/bum. I didn't react when young, and I've now taken the course of reacting to the slightest provocation, so that I get used to reacting. E.g. If a man toots his horn while I'm walking to work, I give them the finger. If a man makes comments, I respond with 'I don't want to hear that, please keep it to yourself'. Sometimes I just say a firm no. Sometimes they look taken aback, sometimes they apologise and sometimes they don't care.

user1491572121 Sun 16-Apr-17 07:33:13

To be fair to gay men though...only that one did anything bad to me. Straight men on the other hand...I've had loads of incidents.

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