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To stop the school run share with neighbour?

(39 Posts)
Zoflorabore Sun 16-Apr-17 00:39:37

Hi, neighbours over the road have become good friends of ours and dd is best friends with their dd, primary school age but different years ( 1 and 3 )

Me and the other mum were both walking to and from school each day and then realised that it would be easier if she took the girls of a morning and I picked them up.

so dd got her report recently, she had quite a few lates.
Turns out that neighbour drops her dd at the juniors playground first which is the opposite side to dd's playground.

Also when I pick them up i sometimes take dd to craft and other parents will message me saying to being their dd home.
I have caring responsibilities so often don't get the chance to pop to the shops before pick up and will get the girls a drink or a small treat.

Other child will always ask me to buy for her younger sister too which i think is cheeky as she's not there and they have never bought my dd anything on the odd occasions where we have swooped.

I now feel that rather than having them dictate to me i would rather take dd myself and pick her up.
Will also help me with my own routine as
I will be up and out rather than being in my pj's until late morning when i have my shower.

How do I bring this up without us falling out?

other mum has substance issues and often has a sleep of an afternoon and a lot of this I did not know when we agreed to do it however i feel that their dd is not my responsibility.

sorry it's long and thanks for reading smile

chastenedButStillSmiling Sun 16-Apr-17 00:45:35

You just have to say, "sorry, but I need to change the arrangements". Don't blame or criticise, but make it clear that what's going on isn't working. Be vague as to why.

You don't have to give an explanation, but you have to be clear about what needs to change.

Offer to help out occasionally if you want to soften it.

embo1 Sun 16-Apr-17 03:37:57

Just say dd's had a few lates so you're going to take her yourself to make sure she's in on time. No further explanation required.
Re treats, tell the other girl you don't know if her mum would let her have whatever it is she wants, so she'll have to get it when her mum's there. And if her mum says its OK, she needs to ask her mum for money for treats

FairytalesAreBullshit Sun 16-Apr-17 03:49:19

It must be really hard for you, but it's you not your neighbour who will get penalised if this continues.

Are SS aware of the substance issues? I'm just thinking capability of parenting a younger child whilst under the influence. At a younger age they need you to be pretty proactive.

Ultimately you need the mantra, this is not my problem. I'd be miffed if I was continually having to buy the elder DD treats just because your DD is getting them. The odd occasion ok, I'm not a total Scrooge. I think you need that autonomy back. Hopefully the other Mum will consider using whatever substance it is whilst her DC are awake.

I take prescribed CD meds, luckily they don't affect me, although had a day on Saturday where a build up of fatigue hit me bad. Maybe suggest if she has issues with the PM school run to speak to the council as I think they can arrange lifts, or organise for the walking bus to drop DD off.

All you need to say is DD is going to be doing some extra curricular things, it's just so hectic with 2 DC plus you've had a letter about lateness, so you want to drop DD off yourself.

Hope it goes well.

ADishBestEatenCold Sun 16-Apr-17 04:06:48

"Also when I pick them up i sometimes take dd to craft and other parents will message me saying to being their dd home."

It sounds like the afternoon arrangement isn't really suitable, either.

I think chastened's suggestion is good and, if your friend goes on to question your decision, as other posters have said, simply mention the report and after school commitments.

3littlebadgers Sun 16-Apr-17 05:25:34

Could you say Dd is anxious going back to school after the holidays so you are going to take her and pick her up alone to give her chance to open up and de stress on the way to and from school?

wowfudge Sun 16-Apr-17 05:41:03

Why is there any need for the OP to lie like that badgers?

3littlebadgers Sun 16-Apr-17 05:44:45

She sounded worried about the neighbours reaction. I thought it might help to take the focus away a little. But your right maybe being open might be better.

RaeSkywalker Sun 16-Apr-17 05:49:34

I think I'd probably say that I'd been missing the time with DD, and wanted to walk her myself for now.

Alternatively I'd say something about the attendance, and just say that I wanted to make sure the was definitely through the gates on time.

citychick Sun 16-Apr-17 05:58:15

i would rather take dd myself and pick her up.....will also help me with my own routine

And those are the words you need to say to everyone who's pushing you into their school run.

Finish off with a thank you very much and see you very soon.

Focus on yourselves.

Good luck.

Chloe84 Sun 16-Apr-17 06:27:36

Neighbour sounds a bit selfish. She's ensuring her DD is on time in the mornings to the detriment of yours, and then also demanding the prompt return of her DD in the afternoons, at the expense of your DD's activity time.

As chastened says, just say you need to change the arrangements.

Is the substance abuse bad? Do you think SS are aware?

user1491572121 Sun 16-Apr-17 06:47:41

Make it more about you rather than your disatisfaction with her management. Say "I feel like I'm missing out on drop offs...I don't want DD to never have me dropping her off, so I've decided to do both drop off and pick up myself."

jay55 Sun 16-Apr-17 08:09:00

Can't you say with the nice weather you're going back to walking.

Funnyonion17 Sun 16-Apr-17 08:12:29

I had almost identical situation. In the end i used the excuse that it was making me laze about in pjs all morning and stressing me

Pollydonia Sun 16-Apr-17 08:14:13

Just yell her its not working foy you any more. Do the school know about the substance abuse?

Pollydonia Sun 16-Apr-17 08:14:37

* tell, don't yell !

zen1 Sun 16-Apr-17 08:17:16

I think you've got to be very clear, however you word it, that you will only be taking and picking up your dd. If you're vague, she might ask you to do both drop offs and pick ups for her dd as well.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 16-Apr-17 08:18:01

It's perfectly fine just to say 'it's not working for me, I want to take dd there and back'

But, some of the stuff in your post is odd. For example, how does not having to take them affect when you get dressed? Just get dressed if you want to. 2. How can a person drop one child on time and one not, as how would that work for siblings? 3. 'No, I'm not buying for you sister.' You're the adult, you're in charge.

Astro55 Sun 16-Apr-17 08:18:40

I'd be very wary of BFF label - kids find it hard to shake if things aren't right - stick to friends

Tell neighbor that schoolnjave mentioned later and you want to take the responsibility back!

Offer to collect if convenient

BeyondThePage Sun 16-Apr-17 08:19:50

"the arrangement no longer works for me" says everything - and is true.

cansu Sun 16-Apr-17 08:32:45

Yes you are justified in changing arrangements. I would not get involved in her naps etc. However had to laugh at the poster suggezting ringing the council so they czn arrange lifts etc I honestly think some people live on a different planet to everyone else. It is highly unlikely that the council will say oh yes we will sort out luft or pick up so you can sleep in the afternoon because of your substance abuse trouble. Ffs

pictish Sun 16-Apr-17 08:59:13

Just be honest...say you've decided it will be easier for you to just deal with your own dd's school run for various reasons mainly pertaining to it being too restrictive for you.

I'd never get into a drop-off pick-up share with anyone for any reason, be it the school run, work or otherwise. It's too much of a bind and restricts your movements and freedom of choice. I'm a strictly solo operator.

Of course if someone asks for a favour I'm happy to help out...but never as a regular arrangement. I have been there before and I found it a pain.

Funnyface1 Sun 16-Apr-17 09:03:30

Be careful how you word it or your new problem will be that you are doing drop off and pick up for both girls. Just be ready for when she suggests that.

JustSpeakSense Sun 16-Apr-17 09:09:17

Changing these arrangements is definitely the right thing to do.

Just tell her it doesn't suit you anymore.

If she pushes for reasons be honest about your DD getting marked late and also that you find pick up restrictive (can't help others with lifts, DD can't go home with friends etc.) because her DD is always with you.

Neighbours naps are not your problem.

Also just say no to friends DD asking for treats.

JustSpeakSense Sun 16-Apr-17 09:10:22

I agree that you need to ensure you don't get expected to do drop offs and pick ups for both girls.

You need to make that clear from the outset.

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