To not know how this is helpful/to wonder if I'm expecting too much?(36 Posts)
I've been trying for a baby for about eight months now (my first). Last month I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant, but only a few days after my missed period I felt different and when I took another pregnancy test it was fainter than the first one. The bleeding started at exactly five weeks. To my great surprise (and joy) I fell pregnant again just three weeks later but the same thing happened: sore breasts disappeared, test came out fainter and now (at what would be 4+6) has gone negative. I guess the bleeding will start in the next couple of days, so probably exactly five weeks again.
I've been pretty upset about this (as has DH) - particularly the first one, I guess, though this time has worried me more. Anyway, I wouldn't describe myself as devastated, but it has really dominated my thoughts for the last couple of months, and it's felt like something significant has happened, even if not such a huge loss in the grand scheme of things.
I've told four (very close) friends about what happened. Each of them has been sympathetic, but I'm always left with the distinct feeling that I'm making a disproportionate fuss. In particular, each has said some variation on 'before modern tests/if you weren't trying you wouldn't have even known it had happened and would have just thought your period was late'.
To be very clear: I know they mean well, and have responded appropriately. I haven't in any way suggested that I don't like this comment. But, to be honest, I don't. I can't see how it can be taken any other way but as saying that I'm being silly to consider it as significant. Genuinely, have I misunderstood? While I don't love the other standard comments either ('at least you know you can get pregnant'; 'it's very common'; 'this one wasn't meant to be') I do understand how they could be comforting - I just don't see how the comments about how I could have not known could possibly be comforting? These are not unsympathetic people, so what do they mean by it?
Secondly - and a larger question - AIBU in expecting sympathy for this at all? Again, I want to be very clear that I've been trying not to be over-dramatic about this - I have been clear that we're sad not devastated, have said things like 'it's not a tragedy' and have been very clear that I know it's nothing like a later loss (and have not used the word miscarriage in case that seems to be conflating this with a much more serious and upsetting event). I am absolutely certain that none of these women have themselves had losses - I completely understand that it would be hard to sympathise with my situation if you had had a later loss yourself. But AIBU to expect people to 'get' why I'm upset? I should point out here that both my mum and my very closest friend have been amazing and incredibly thoughtful - even though these other women are all very close friends, maybe this is something where I'm just expecting too much?
Well, no, until fairly recently you wouldn't have had a clue. But the fact is you do have a clue and you have all kinds of hopes and thoughts bound up with that little line. YNBU to expect a bit of sympathy.
YANBU at all!! Don't doubt yourself over this.
for you. It's really shit. It's ok to be upset and sad about it.
Difficult to comment on what your friends are saying without knowing their own experiences. If they haven't had a loss, they may not realise how upsetting it is even early on. If they have had a loss or are struggling to conceive then they may feel that is a worse situation than the one you describe.
Hope it happens for you soon.
I can see why it isn't a comforting stock phrase, but maybe at that point they were just making an observation rather than trying to be comforting? It is true, after all, even if it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I can see how it feels like they are saying 'Well, maybe you shouldn't test so soon and then you wouldn't be sad because you wouldn't have got your hopes up', but I'm sure they don't mean it that way. My mum couldn't get her head around the fact that I could do a home test and everyone believed it without there being any sort of second check until the 12 week scan. She kept saying 'but how do you know?'
Obviously your feelings are valid whatever they may be (I know people who tried for years and she was properly upset every month when her period came, still valid).
It's probably quite hard for someone who hasn't been through it to empathise with, I'm pretty sure I had something similar but got what I thought was my period before I tested (because I'd been genuinely late and negative the month before so was putting it off), it threw my cycle out afterwards as well so I ended up not having a period for three months (multiple negatives) and then getting a positive and having conceived on something ridiculous like day 60 of a my cycle), and I still don't feel like I know what to say.
Good luck in future cycles x
Yanbu - those two lines can be the start of a new future & you begin to fantasise about a new life. It's devastating when you've been actively trying to keep facing that disappointment. It's sounds like you've had two chemical pregnancies so it might be worth your while speaking to your GP about it, at least having them on record.
I sometimes think the old school way of not knowing until much further on is a kinder way. Finding out so early can lead to heartbreak in a way it just didn't happen before.
I'd like to think thty what they mean is that it's probably really common and doesn't necessarily mean anything for future successful pregnancies?
Good luck, I hope it happens for you soon and I'm sorry for your losses x
Thank you for the supportive comments, everyone. Just to be clear, I know that none of them are currently trying, and that they haven't had any losses.
You are entirely reasonable to be sad. The monthly rollercoaster of TTC is pretty shitty, add in to that early miscarriages and it's an emotional minefield.
You hang your hopes and dreams on those two lines; to have them fade away is a loss. I know I felt really empty and sad.
You sound like you are trying so hard to be reasonable and keep your emotions in check - it's ok to be cut up, you know?
I think they are trying to be helpful but maybe not managing it well.
E.g. "its a great thing you know you can conceive" "its awful that youre experiencing this because in years gone by most women would have been none the wiser so early on". In some respects they are right.
Id take it as statistically it is common & doesnt mean that youll have problems conceiving again.
This isnt meant to sound awful (so sorry if it does. Im having problems wording it) but maybe they just dont know what to say. Especially as its happened more than once. Maybe theyre a bit like 'oh ok. Thats unfortunate. Um.. itll all be ok' Its not lack of sympathy but more like 'its a fact' and they cant really do anything.
If possible I would give it a month or two without TTC, using condoms etc, so your body has time to rest. Also speak to your GP about having a scan just to make sure everything is ok, there's nothing obvious wrong.
I think I gave some advice in another post about Pregnacare Conception tablets, I hope and pray they make a difference.
I am sorry to read your post, in my experience only those that had experienced miscarriage could empathise. It's ok to feel sad and want support. Unfortunately, your friends, perhaps see themselves as being helpful, in reality are not providing what you need. Get the support where you can and look after yourself going forward x
What is it that you would actually like them to say OP?
I understand that for you this is a very difficult time and you are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling x but what are you actually wanting from your friends? They've been kind, tried to cheer you up, offered consolation and sympathy. What more do you expect from them? I suspect there's actually nothing they can say that will help, but then you'd be upset that they didn't say much about it. They're kind of damned if they do and damned if they don't.
I think that's very fair, soot, and kind of what I was asking: am I expecting something unreasonable? I'm willing to be told I am. I genuinely was wondering about that particular comment - as I said, I understand where all the other comments are coming from, but struggle with that.
I've never had a loss and I don't know anyone who has. I wouldn't have a clue what to say to someone in your position. I'm 50 years old!
People feel obliged to say something. They get it wrong, say something crass. It's down to inexperience and ignorance rather than meaning something by it.
Unfortunately it is very difficult to know what to say and some things become stuck in your head and become a hook for your pain. There are sadly far too am my wrong things to say but we only say these because we have heard them before and they are the first things that pop into our minds or that they somehow make sense to us if we haven't been through it, or even if we have. They are trying ... it is hard to find the right thing to say.... take comfort in their concern even if they don't fully understand your sadness. I wish you the best and hope things become easier for your soon. xx
The whole world of TTC is very stressful OP. Yanbu for expecting some empathy. However in the grand scheme of things you can't expect your friends to be gushing with sympathy as a chemical pregnancy isn't really a loss as it was never really there, just a few cells that didn't start developing but delayed your period. I do know it is still upsetting and distressing. Maybe a good way to deal with it to not take pregnancy tests until your period is a week or so late? That is what I resorted to after months of false hope and disappointment. All the best, you will get there soon and this bit will all be a hazy memory!
The other thing to keep in mind is lots of people wouldn't talk about this as an issue, so it could be that one or more of your friends could have experienced similar things and therefore not want to talk about it much.
Thank you, acquiescence - unfortunately I don't think that would work for me. My luteal phase is very regular, so I would 'know' if I were a week late (I also have had very noticeable sore breasts each time) even if I hadn't taken a test. I've also found that both times it helped to have the 'warning' of a weaker test as it saved me the shock of waking up in blood (as happened this morning) without knowing it was going wrong. I know testing later is very common advice, and I can see why it would be better in a situation where you got a positive before your period but then it came on time, but I think for me waiting a week to test would add to the anxiety and uncertainty rather than diminish the eventual upset.
Thank you for all the kind comments everyone - I'm sorry for those who have been through similar or worse experiences x
It's shit... sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately I think until your friends have been there they will not understand - just crap you are the first in your friendship group dealing with this.
I will admit I didn't offer my friend the right sort of support or comments when she dealt with her miscarriage. I only realised and massively apologised when I had my own TTC struggles of not falling pg for ages...
I'd struggle to be hugely sympathetic about a chemical pregnancy tbh as to me it just a bunch of cells, having had chemical ones myself. Your friends have been sympathetic I don't know what more you can ask if them
All your post seems a bit unkind and dismissive. You may not have meant it to be.
It's just a bunch of cells to me too, but I don't really see how that helps/impacts on the upset? For me it's the hope and disappointment that makes it upsetting, though of course for a later loss there is also a difficult physical experience. I know someone who at eight weeks discovered the embryo had stopped developing at five weeks - I guess our 'bunches of cells' were quite similar but her loss was worse because she had longer to get excited by and become attached to that pregnancy, and it's that dashing of hope that hurts.
I think it's harsh to say to the OP it's just a bunch of cells. It is the hopes & plans you build up on especially If you've been hoping for a pregnancy. It's not just the loss of the embryo it's the loss of the expectation too if you know what I mean.
Thank you, floaty - that's exactly how I feel. I certainly don't feel (and wouldn't ever say) that I 'lost a baby' - but I have lost something that I've been hoping for and trying for since last summer, and which I twice briefly thought I was going to have.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.