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To not be friends with this woman because of her partner?

(49 Posts)
Newishusername Sat 15-Apr-17 18:30:02

My best friend has recently introduced me to one of her other close friends who I didn't know previously. Everything was ok at first, she's nice enough - until I found out that she's dating (knowingly) someone who has been convicted of sexual offences. I'm not going to say what exactly just that it wasn't physical, just involved being a fucking massive pervert.

Since I've found this out I don't want to be friends with her anymore. It makes me feel sick that she could date this man knowing that he's done this stuff multiple times. My best friend is also uncomfortable but seems to be able to 'let it go'. She would be hurt if I actively excluded her friend from things. This has all come to a head because I'm organising an event and she naturally wants to bring her partner..

AIBU? On the one hand I think I'm being reasonable but then again I suppose people will argue he's atoned etc.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sat 15-Apr-17 18:32:28

I would step back - but - she might need you one day when this goes pear shaped - don't shut the door on her completely.

MrsMeeseeks Sat 15-Apr-17 18:33:10


AlpacaLypse Sat 15-Apr-17 18:33:58

I have a friend whose partner totally creeps me out. I only invite her to our regular Ladies That Dine evenings, which is also ticks the boxes of meaning single friends feel included and married ones can rely on a husband to babysit or come and get them afterwards.

Asmoto Sat 15-Apr-17 18:35:58

I think it's your choice whom you associate with, and if what this man's done is beyond the pale for you, that should be respected. I don't think you can expect your new friend to accept that, though, and it's equally to be respected if her view is that she and her boyfriend come as a package.

It's going to be difficult for your best friend if she's caught in the middle of this - I think you'll have to be honest with her about how you feel and hope she understands your reasoning - and don't judge her if she chooses to stay friends with the other woman.

TheStoic Sat 15-Apr-17 18:36:18

She can choose to ignore what he's done and who he is. She can't expect everyone else to.

I wouldn't spend 5 minutes with him.

Brokejoke Sat 15-Apr-17 18:37:26

Have you already invited her to this event? She's your friend's friend not yours so you wouldn't have to invite her if you haven't. You can always make up a lie about not having the budget for extra people or something if you don't want to say why.

Newishusername Sat 15-Apr-17 18:37:33

@Asmoto absolutely, I don't hold anything against my best friend for being friends with this woman still, that isn't anything to do with me

However I do hope she doesn't think I'm being an oversensitive cow.

Brokejoke Sat 15-Apr-17 18:38:44

I wouldn't want to be around him if I knew about what he'd done. I would only invite her to women-only nights out and stuff.

Batgirlspants Sat 15-Apr-17 18:39:52

Well I wouldn't want him near me or mine so no I wouldn't be friends with his partner. No way. Your friend can choose to ignore this and you can equally choose not to.

He could be dangerous so steer well clear.

Batgirlspants Sat 15-Apr-17 18:40:10

Well I wouldn't want him near me or mine so no I wouldn't be friends with his partner. No way. Your friend can choose to ignore this and you can equally choose not to.

He could be dangerous so steer well clear.

PinkHeartLovesPink Sat 15-Apr-17 18:40:37

Your an adult you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want.

Without knowing the full facts it's difficult to say what is going on in your friends mind, but it's her choice to make and she can accept whatever has been done by him if she wishes.

I'd just be honest and say "I'll meet you as long as x isn't coming as he make me uncomfortable"

Newishusername Sat 15-Apr-17 18:42:07

With reference to inviting her to women only nights out - do you think AIBU that I don't really want to do that either?

Not saying he should never have a girlfriend but I don't really have much respect for a woman who knowingly dates a sex offender.

SarcasmMode Sat 15-Apr-17 18:47:24


It's OK to not want to be friends with someone if you see their or their partners actions as morally dubious.

Explain to your friend why. Surely if she's a good friend she'll understand. Maybe she will think you are being over sensitive (no idea why she would though) even still she should respect that choice.

Batgirlspants Sat 15-Apr-17 18:50:23

No I wouldn't respect her either op think you are quite right. Sometimes you have to stick by your standards and fuck the rest of them.

SmileEachDay Sat 15-Apr-17 18:50:48

How do you know exactly what he has done? How did that information come your way?

CookieLady Sat 15-Apr-17 18:52:35

If she's your best friend surely you can talk to her about it. You don't have to invite this other friend.

Newishusername Sat 15-Apr-17 18:55:24

@SmileEachDay my best friend found out about it first and then told me.

Some mutual friend of theirs showed her newspaper articles with his name and pictures in, reports of the trial and sentencing

SmileEachDay Sat 15-Apr-17 18:59:47

So at the point your bf told you did you say "I'm really uncomfortable about this, I'd rather not have anything to do with him"

Newishusername Sat 15-Apr-17 19:05:31

@SmileEachDay We had a brief chat about it and she is uncomfortable, but she feels a sort of loyalty to her friend and is ignoring it basically. So obviously not as bothered as me.

SmileEachDay Sat 15-Apr-17 19:08:08

So she knows you're bothered. So talk to her again.

It's not the girlfriend's fault, incidentally. People stay in all sorts of difficult and unpleasant situations for all sorts of reasons.

itsmine Sat 15-Apr-17 19:16:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newishusername Sat 15-Apr-17 19:19:52

@Itsmine I have met her? Multiple times..

GloriaGilbert Sat 15-Apr-17 19:20:51

Without courting drama or making too much of it, I'd just keep my distance.

I don't think you need to avoid a larger group that includes her, by the way.

itsmine Sat 15-Apr-17 19:26:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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