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Aibu about dp's attitude to drink?

(29 Posts)
Albatross26 Sat 15-Apr-17 13:46:58

Dp is essentially a good guy. Sometimes we struggle to get on but on the whole he is kind and caring. My issue is with his attitude to drink. He doesn't drink all the time, mostly during the week we won't drink at all, and some weekends too. However sometimes he'll go out and get so shitfaced he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't seem to have an off button. This will be maybe once every month - month and a half or so so not all the time, but I really hate it. He slurs, falls over, throws up and often starts being horrible to me. He's always sorry the next day, but essentially doesn't see an issue with it as it's not all the time and he's just having fun. My point is I'm afraid to go to the pub with him in case he gets in this state, others have commented on it and he's really not nice to be around. He thinks I'm unreasonable, so I'm not sure! No dc to look after, just us. aibu?

Beachhairdontcare Sat 15-Apr-17 13:49:46

My DH has been in that state twice in the twenty years i've known him.

I would find it really embarrassing, but would also be quite worried that it makes him not a nice person to be around.

Gottagetmoving Sat 15-Apr-17 13:52:15

YANBU. It's annoying.
Hard as it may be, don't clear up his sick, leave it for him. Don't tidy up any mess he makes.
If you clear up after him he doesn't get too see how bad he was.
I would film him too so he knows what you are putting up with.

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 13:54:06

That's horrid. I couldn't be with someone who got so pissed they threw up and was horrid to me. Once I could forgive but repeatedly? It'd be a deal breaker.

Albatross26 Sat 15-Apr-17 13:58:36

He's not dreadful to me, just snipey and a bit unpleasant. I guess our other issues come to the surface after drinking! He seems to think it's ok to 'm st go's once in a while, but I think he needs to learn some self control. He's 46 going on 17. He said he'd ask someone if he was bu as he doesn't get it but I can just see that conversation 'my partner won't let me go out drinking etc' which is totally not the case, just wish he didn't have to get so stupidly drunk

Albatross26 Sat 15-Apr-17 13:59:16

Sorry should say 'let go' !

pointythings Sat 15-Apr-17 14:00:17

So he's horrible to you when he's drunk, which is roughly every month?

In vino veritas...

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:01:45

At 46 this is just who he is; it's not a teenager going out and tasting freedom, it's a grown man not giving a shit about how his actions hurt and upset the person he loves. YANBU; he's a bit of a dick.

burntnorton Sat 15-Apr-17 14:05:06

Sounds like he has a problem/unhealthy relationship to alcohol. I do and can go ages without drinking but when I do I have no off switch, although I'm not horrible to people. I no longer drink. Maybe something he should be considering himself.

Albatross26 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:08:21

He is capable of having a couple then stopping so I know he can, i have said that maybe he shouldn't drink if he knows he's going to get in that state. To be fair to him he's not horrid every time but it's still an embarrassment to be so wrecked

Gottagetmoving Sat 15-Apr-17 14:11:05

I said previously, Film him! He will be shocked how ridiculous he looks.

HappyFlappy Sat 15-Apr-17 14:15:42

I do and can go ages without drinking but when I do I have no off switch, although I'm not horrible to people. I no longer drink.

I'm the same as Norton.

When I din't have a drink I don't miss it, but when I do have a drink I rarely stop at a couple. It was when I realised that I was drinking even though I didn't want to that I realised that I had a problem. Okay - I could go months and not bother, but then I would go out and have a glass of wine with a meal and and up legless,

Binge drinking is more of a warning sign than regular moderate drinking.

Batgirlspants Sat 15-Apr-17 14:16:30

If alcohol makes him nasty he shouldn't drink. You are not unreasonable op. Could you video him when he's like this to show him how he behaves or would that be dangerous?

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:19:59

He's unpleasant. That's enough.
Getting shit faced once every blue moon and falling asleep I may be able to cope with but regularly getting completely drunk to the point you describe isn't on.
Of course he can go out and have a drink. But binge drinking to that extent could have an affect on his health. Besides that it's clearly having an effect on your relationship. If he doesn't care about that then he's a twat of the highest order!

Albatross26 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:24:20

Thanks everyone. He is quite remorseful today and said he does understand my point. I'd like to believe it but then I think how long until it happens again! Videoing is a good idea, if (when) there us a next time I shall do that

Apairofsparklingeyes Sat 15-Apr-17 14:25:47

YANBU.

Him being nasty to you as a result of too much alcohol is still him being nasty and you really don't have to put up with it. What's fun about dealing with his abuse towards you and cleaning up his mess? Even one incident of him being horrible to you is wrong.

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:27:27

I am not saying it's the same but men who beat their partners are often also remorseful. It's a controlling device that keeps their partner from reaching absolute breaking point and leaving them. If he was truly remorseful he wouldn't keep doing it. hmm

CherriesInTheSnow Sat 15-Apr-17 14:27:44

I worry for you. My OH went through a phase of occasionally drinking waaaayyy too much. He was never horrible though confused

Happyhippy45 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:27:48

My dad used to drink like this. Go without regularly sometimes for months then get absolutely shitfaced. Sometimes the frequency of getting shitfaced was pretty regular. He did this all through his marriage to my mum and his second wife. When she passed away he went on full self destruct mode. Fortunately he now has a partner who doesn't tolerate his drinking. He quit about 9 years ago when he was in his 60's. So your never too old to change.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with him. He can choose to change or not and you can choose to accept his drinking or not if he won't change.

MiniAlphaBravo Sat 15-Apr-17 14:29:19

My dh was the same though did it far less often. After one particularly awful night I ended up calling the police on him for various reasons and that shocked him in to stopping. He still drinks but has not got in to a state once (well maybe once but I wasn't with him and he vomited when out with friends on a short weekend away with the boys. I don't mind that as I wasn't there). So I think he needs to realize how bad this is but obviously doesn't. He needs a shock. Every month is very bad op, do you really want to be in this relationship? Also my dp is 16 years younger than yours, 46 is old to still be getting like that so often imo.

Ceto Sat 15-Apr-17 14:29:22

How on earth does getting into that state constitute "having fun"? And clearly there is no fun in it when it results in being horrible to you. He needs to grow up.

Bigblug Sat 15-Apr-17 14:31:11

My dp used to be like this. It took him to be arrested to finally realise he's fucking idiotic when hes drunk. He got into fights, fell asleep in ditches, start arguments with his nearest and dearest. He was horrible to me. The last time we got drunk together and went to a club when he was going through this stupid stage we were walking home and he was being really nasty because I had wanted to leave (it was 4am, I told him he didn't have to leave with me) I ended up kicking him right in the balls and leaving him in the street to protect myself. (we've been since but he's so much better at controlling himself now) when he was arrested for trying to fight a bouncer repeatedly he suddenly changed. He realised finally that he couldn't pull this shit anymore. It only happened 4-5 times a year, but it was enough for me to kick him out. I was totally done. He was such a lovely guy the rest of the time, that was what made it hard.
3 years later and I can finally relax when he goes out to have a drink. He knows his limits. He comes home at a sensible time. We both rarely drink now, I've been out once this year.

Albatross26 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:33:36

He does need to grow up yes. He's said he knows it's not ok and has apologised. I've made it clear the next time will be my last. I'm no pushover and haven't got time for his nonsense! He is ultimately harmless, very friendly and placid, would never be violent or really horrible. I said he needs to work out why he feels the need to binge like this. He just really enjoys it but accepts its not great for me. We shall see...

EweAreHere Sat 15-Apr-17 14:34:41

I agree with those suggesting you film him. Camera phone will do.

Tell him if he really thinks it's not a big deal, he won't mind if you put it on social media for all his friends and family to see what he's like once a month and what you have to put up with.

Would he want his kids acting this way?

AcrossthePond55 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:35:33

Excessive drinking like that is a big NO for me. And IMO it only gets worse as they get older.

If he is mean or bitchy when he gets drunk like that then I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that you will no longer be around him when he does. Why would you subject yourself to his abuse?

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