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To have another baby

(86 Posts)
chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:17:26

I've NC'd as this will be identifying.
I'm just looking for some MN wisdom / tales of experience/ opinions on this.

DH and I have 2 DC's. Both super kids, very healthy etc. We have a lot to be grateful for. We have a good strong marriage (not perfect, but who's is?) and a great support network.

I am really yearning for a third child. DH would love one too but there are practicalities in the way. What would you do?

We both work FT. I have flexible hours so can work around the kids and have a really understanding boss. Both sets of grandparents provide childcare, using a crèche just one day a week. So each gp have the dc's just 2 days a week each. They are all around 60 and fit and healthy at this stage. If I have another kid it will add to their workload. Dropping a few hours in work and upping daycare is also an option.

DH and I are 35 so would need to move soon.

Kids are 6 and 2 and we find it hard work at times.. equally I understand this stage won't last forever!

Aibu? Thoughts and experiences please on life with 3!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 15-Apr-17 12:19:44

I have lots of dc but they are only looked after by me or dh. .
Wouldn't have felt applicable to keep adding to the brood if we relied on outside help with them tbh.

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:21:19

See that's the thing we will rely heavily on outside help.. albeit well spread out. It feels like a decision I would have to allow them to have input to. I know it will be hard work but only in the short term. I'm really torn!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 15-Apr-17 12:22:39

Just put your suggestion out there and see what the family say!!

Oysterbabe Sat 15-Apr-17 12:23:55

You can't assume the outside help would be delighted about you adding to their workload.
IMO 2 kids is enough, the planet is very overcrowded.

Dobbyandme Sat 15-Apr-17 12:25:01

My closest friend has 3. They are nearly nine, nearly five and nearly two.

They live in a two bedroom house with no garden, her DH works full time, and she runs her own business. She has no outside childcare. My friend is tired, but couldn't be happier. She also gets upset that number 3 will be her last and would consider a fourth.

We have a nearly two year old and we are thinking of TTC number 2. We're planning on 3 if my body clock allows.

Point is, there's no hard and fast rules and circumstances will never be perfect. But if you have enough financial security that you can provide for a third, you already know you'll have enough love for a third, so if it's what you both want, then go for it.

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:25:23

I have and they have been supportive... but I don't know how much of that is from the heart and not marred by obligation to be supportive if yswim!
My mum is pretty straight talking so I could have a word with her on her own.
I also have aunt's and sil who have continually offered their help.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sat 15-Apr-17 12:26:54

Only on MN is the mantra 'your brat, your problem. In the real world of functioning extended families, everyone pitches in and does their bit, where they are able. The only thing I would caution is that although your parents are fit and healthy, don't take them fore granted, illness cant strike at any time. Provided your parents are willing and able and you have a back up plan for eventualities,, then it isn't really anyone else's business.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 15-Apr-17 12:27:31

I have two. I am 38 and know I am definitely finished. 100% so I think if you are yearning, you should go for it.

I am loving the fact that mine are getting more independent (2 & 3 years old) but cannot face it all again.

All that said, I think you need to up the paid childcare. I wouldn't take advantage no matter how fit the grandparents are.

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:27:33

Thanks dobby.. that sounds encouraging. I know it will be bloody hard.. it's hard enough with 2. But looking ahead to when they all older and how much support they will be for each other going through life

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:29:48

I know.. our parents health does concern us, as you say illness can strike at any time. I think we would take away a day each from each set of gp for the 'new baby' as by then both older kids will be in school.

starzzzz Sat 15-Apr-17 12:30:52

Agree with oyster

Dishwashersaurous Sat 15-Apr-17 12:34:22

You don't know whether it will physically be possible to have another. Imagine that you were told it would definitely not be possible. How would you feel? And that's your answer to whether at least to try.

Also you will get mat leave and when your youngest is three they will be eligible for childcare. So actually GPS won't have three all the time

ElspethFlashman Sat 15-Apr-17 12:34:54

I honestly wouldn't give any grandparent 3 small kids for weekly childcare all year round tbh. It's a LOT.

ElspethFlashman Sat 15-Apr-17 12:35:28

That's not a reason not to have a 3rd, but I would look into a childminder.

dontbesillyhenry Sat 15-Apr-17 12:36:57

I think it's a bit selfish and rude really if you are relying on other people to do your childcare, if I were you I would consider looking into a childminder/nursery so your parents dont feel under pressure

Chippednailvarnishing Sat 15-Apr-17 12:37:42

If you can't cope with another child without putting the obligation to help on the rest of your family, you shouldn't.
I think you're​ actually taking the piss even considering it.

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:38:26

True dishwash
We were very lucky with first two, conceived pretty much on 1st try both times. I've considered this and if we weren't able to conceive a third, then it was never in my plan to have 3. I'd be undoubtedly upset, but I'm in the incredibly lucky position that I have 2 healthy kids. I watched my brother and his wife experience horrendous fertility issues and it was heartbreaking. I suppose I don't know how I would really deal with that.

And yes I'd take a year out. So potentially my current baby would be 4 or 5 before I go back to work therefore need minimal gp care

PoliticalBiscuit Sat 15-Apr-17 12:40:35

In your shoes I would stick to 2.

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:42:05

Henry and chipped I've already say I can up childcare and reduce my hours to out less on the gp's
They want to help raise my kids. My mum was incredibly offended when I put my youngest into daycare one day a week... I done this to help his development more so than out of necessity as he wasn't hitting all his developmental milestones.
We are all very close and always helping out with each others kids / cooking / housework etc

pumpkin321 Sat 15-Apr-17 12:42:44

Is there anyway you or your dh work part time for a while while your dc are little?

chocolatesavedmysanity Sat 15-Apr-17 12:43:44

Pumpkin I could maybe drop one day a week but DH couldn't unfortunately

Aoibhe Sat 15-Apr-17 12:45:33

I've got 3 and feel guilty when I (very occasionally) ask my mum or inlaws to look after them. There is NO WAY I would even consider them providing regular childcare for us, and they are all fit and healthy 60 year olds. That's just unfair and selfish IMO.

I know lots of people whose parents used to help out with one child, but stopped when the second came along. I think you should consider yourself lucky that you have so much support, and stop right there.

Lowdoorinthewal1 Sat 15-Apr-17 12:45:56

But looking ahead to when they all older and how much support they will be for each other going through life

Why do people think this? I have a brother and a sister but we very rarely see each other. It is in no way a given that siblings will be buddies for life.

UnicornButtplug Sat 15-Apr-17 12:50:23

Personally in your shoes I would wait another year then try so by the time you go back to work it is only one child needing childcare.

Work out your finances in the situation that you would need to use paid care the whole time just incase it comes to that. If you can afford it then there is no reason not to go for it.
If you couldn't afford it in those circumstances then I don't think I would risk it.

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