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To elicit not to have children due to fair to medium chance of an early death

(129 Posts)
ThatsJustHowIFeel Sat 15-Apr-17 10:48:33

Unfortunately our family line has two diseases in it which both claim people young. To my knowledge no one has survived beyond the age of 75.

I am 36 nearly 37

Of course I am 'over' the loss of my parents. But the loneliness, the difference and disconnect from my peers - are hard.

I always thought I'd like to be a mother but AIBU to consider this is perhaps selfish given I probably wouldn't live beyond their 30s?

originalbiglymavis Sat 15-Apr-17 10:50:26

Have you spoken to your doctor?

Patienceisvirtuous Sat 15-Apr-17 10:50:43

Yanbu to feel how you feel.

Could you chat to a medical professional and get some advice/gave some tests.

If you'd like to be a mum I don't think you let this stop you xxx

Patienceisvirtuous Sat 15-Apr-17 10:50:55

*have

75 is an early death now? I clicked this thinking you meant you might die in your 40s or 50s! I think surviving until their 30s is fine.

WonkoTheSane42 Sat 15-Apr-17 10:52:11

People lose their parents at all kinds of ages. Life has no guarantees. I don't think the chance of dying in your 70s should stop you if you have a desire for children and would be a good parent.

ThatsJustHowIFeel Sat 15-Apr-17 10:53:02

Well, the thing is Irritable that's the maximum age people have reached if you see what I mean.

Really I am more likely to die in my 60s.

I could speak to a doctor I suppose - but the advice to not drink or smoke is one I already follow. However it didn't save previous relatives sad

blue2014 Sat 15-Apr-17 10:54:32

Not for this to sound harsh but parents and people die all the time. You can't make your life choices around when you may possibly die, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow

clairethewitch70 Sat 15-Apr-17 10:54:34

Ask your GP for referral to Medical Genetics for genetic counselling. Thats what I had with my husband as we both have life limiting illnesses in the family, and have 2 healthily boys although one risk does not manifest until mid life.

elliejjtiny Sat 15-Apr-17 10:55:24

You're not being selfish at all. My Dad's parents both died before 75. Even without the family history your chances of dying before 75 are still fairly high, I wouldn't let that affect your decision to have children or not.

ThatsJustHowIFeel Sat 15-Apr-17 10:55:45

Absolutely blue but I suppose it is having them knowing that not only will I probably leave them early I would ultimately put them in the same position!

Thanks, claire flowers

Fauchelevent Sat 15-Apr-17 10:56:07

Hmm, well my family line is the same, my grandma went in her early 70s, mum in her late fifties, by my calculation my great grandma would have been the same, in her fifties.

So i probably won't live too long but you can't think like that. You could die at any time, but equally you could live longer and in thirty something years technology and cures might be more advanced.

Even if you follow the pattern, living until your childrens thirties is a fair shot. You'll likely see them grow up, graduate, get good jobs, marry and have children. I only got the first two and I'm grateful as some people don't even get that and some people have horribly abusive parents.

SaucyJack Sat 15-Apr-17 10:57:11

I find your attitude strange, and rather arrogant.

My father died when I was 33. It's sad obviously, but my life has carried on well enough without him.

Chasingsquirrels Sat 15-Apr-17 10:57:52

I agree that 70's seems a reasonable, although not old, life span.

My parents are early 70's and relatively fit and well, but I'm aware that could change at any time.

DH (14 years older than me) always said our age gap didn't matter as he came from a long living family - I think his dad died at early 80's, his mum is 83, his grandparents were relatively aged for their time. His dad's sister is in her 90's. He died a few weeks ago at 58 from cancer, his children are 22 & 18 and his stepchildren (my children) are 14 & 11.

No one knows what the future holds, but what is certain is that you will die at some point, and when that happens the people who love you will grieve you however old you or they are.

If you want children, go for it.

Andromache77 Sat 15-Apr-17 10:58:29

If the diseases have a genetic basis, which I assume is the case here, first investigate if they are among the list of those that can be weeded out by Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS). It involves IVF to get the in-vitro embryos in the first place so it's neither cheap nor pleasant but it's the only way to make sure that you're not passing on whatever it is you have to future generations of your family.

FrannySalinger Sat 15-Apr-17 10:58:31

I lost my parents in my 30s and I did feel like I'd lost them relatively young. However, my family history sounds rather like yours and honestly, it didn't even cross my mind when I was considering children. My children are absolutely adored and whether they have me until they're 5 or 50, that's worth something.

ThatsJustHowIFeel Sat 15-Apr-17 10:58:47

Gosh saucy I'm sorry - I'm bemused but of course arrogance wasn't what I was aiming for, just advice.

ThatsJustHowIFeel Sat 15-Apr-17 10:59:43

Saucy do you still have your mum?

One thing to lose one parent at 33, another to lose both before the age of 25. Anyway I wish you well

Goldfishjane Sat 15-Apr-17 10:59:53

Um....!
75 is a good age.
As for 60s, well okay, not what you'd want but my dads been ill since I was 16 and that's been very hard work for all of us.
If the diseases are really hard to live with, that's different again but death at 75 is not early.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander Sat 15-Apr-17 10:59:55

I think you should speak to your doctors. Do you have a partner at the moment who wants children? And if so how old is he? Personally, I don't like the idea of people having children knowing that they are likely to leave them orphaned in their teens. That's not necessarily your situation now but it might be if you were having children in your forties with a fifty-something man who smoked.

StrawberryJelly00 Sat 15-Apr-17 11:00:07

I agree with Fauchelevent - very good post!

Some would have preferred just a few years with a decent parent over years and years of abusive parenting anyday.

You have to live now while you are alive and take opportunities to be happy. Living anxiously or cautiously doesn't lead to living a FULL life.

ILikeyourHairyHands Sat 15-Apr-17 11:00:12

DH's parents died at the ages of 34 and 49 from cancers that can have a genetic component. I'm happy to have met him and had DCs with him. Don't throw your future away on a possibility.

PurpleDaisies Sat 15-Apr-17 11:00:29

By their 30's you'd hope your children would be pretty independent and whole losing a parent is awful I don't think it's the same to lose one then as in their childhood. I'm mid thirties and quite a few friends have lost one or more parents-it's not that unusual.

In medical terms, dying at 75 does not count as an early death.

AnotherDayHasGone Sat 15-Apr-17 11:00:32

My DM died early 70's and when I visit her grave I always notice the head stones around hers. It is a stark reminder that people die of all ages and some of them earlier than my age (early 40s). The fact that you are talking 60-70 then I would say don't let that affect your decision to have children. The sad fact is lots of people don't see retirement or much beyond.

ThatsJustHowIFeel Sat 15-Apr-17 11:00:50

My grandmother died at 75 (I was 6) and was considered old by our standards.

Dying between 50 and 60 is more likely.

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