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To think I'm not normal about dtd?

(302 Posts)
DcQuinn Fri 14-Apr-17 23:16:42

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

silkpyjamasallday Sat 15-Apr-17 10:35:51

You have little ones so I don't think it's unusual that you aren't in the mood, having to plan intimacy around nap times or spontaneous moments interrupted by dc crying doesn't exactly make for the most fulfilling sex life.

I find that the more sex we have, the more I want, I can go weeks without being too bothered then we will dtd 3 times in a day then nothing for a while again. It does feel strange not really wanting it anymore on the same way that I used to, be thankful that you have a DP who doesn't pester and nag about lack of sex! Because that kills any desire that was there stone dead in my experience. The time will come when you feel like it again, probably once the drudgery of toddlers and babies has passed. And if it doesn't, if you and your partner aren't bothered it doesn't need to be an issue, everyone has differing libidos and it is finding the balance between the two people in a partnership that matters in terms of harmonious living.

TheTigerWhoCame2Tea Sat 15-Apr-17 11:00:33

Hi OP - I think as PP have said it's more about how evenly you're matched to your partner. It sounds like he isn't pressuring you which is great, but it sounds like it bothers you that you don't have the same level of desire as you did in the past. I'd recommend talking to him first, let him know that it is on your radar and see if there's anything the two of you can do together - enjoy each other if that makes sense and see where it goes? And see his take on it, is it possible that his desire has also dropped considerably and he's happy with the current situation? If not, and you feel it is a problem, there are a lot of things that can help you like doctors / therapists. But if you worry about it it might build up to more than it is. Some people value the intimacy in the relationship and some don't. I do, and so does my partner so we are pretty well matched, but if we were both not as bothered then that would be fine too. There isn't any right or wrong, it's just a matter of being on the same page I think?

Italiangreyhound Sat 15-Apr-17 11:51:14

Wallywobbles "DH doesn't want marathon sessions which helps!!"

Yes. Marathon sessions, yes that really would put me off too.

Blimey that is so true! I've actually realised a few things that do help get me in the mood!

I'll say to dh I want a quickie. It may turn into a longie but the idea it will be quick is appealing.

Also sex at night somtimes seems boring, like a chore at the end of the day! Sex in the morning or afternoon. or after work seems fun!

Making sure the kids are busy elsewhere definitely helps me relax, eg watching a long DVD downstairs!

Italiangreyhound Sat 15-Apr-17 12:03:59

spooky the idea a husband who could not get enough sex at home would go to a prostitute is really alarming to me. Far worse to me than an affair.

Getting sex outside a marriage (however done) seems like a way to set the self destruct button on a marriage.

Italiangreyhound Sat 15-Apr-17 12:06:04

And I definitely agree the more you have the more you want/the less you have the less you want.

I think it is like that with many things, food, alcohol, exercise, TV.

DayGlo Sat 15-Apr-17 12:09:48

My sex drive took a nosedive when my DCs were small.

I'm happy to report that at 40, and with the DCs older and more time to go out with DH and have fun, it is back with a vengeance and DH is finding it quite hard to keep up grin.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. But do talk about it with your husband. Its important he hears how you feel about it.

GallopingMom Sat 15-Apr-17 12:27:48

I'm overweight, on the pill and taking psychiatric medication. I feel unsexy, do not get aroused nearly to the level I used to, have very low level "orgasms" and penetrative sex is painful. Luckily DH doesn't have a high sex drive either and he masturbates in between. We have sex once every couple of months. Having a teenager who now goes to bed the same time we do doesn't help either.

WankingMonkey Sat 15-Apr-17 13:41:10

I have no libido at all. It disappeared when my son was born nearly 3 years ago. Wouldn't be bothered if I never had sex again. I prefer sleep.

WankingMonkey Sat 15-Apr-17 13:44:47

Op, I know you said you aren't using hormonal contraceptive but I can't emphasise enough to others that this can completely kill your sex drive.

Interesting, after having my son I had the implant put in. I wonder if this has something to do with my lack of want for sex..

Snugglepalace Sat 15-Apr-17 14:09:43

I really think op is totally normal. My friend is a hairdresser and her clients tell her everything, most of them tell her they only have sex once a month or so and could happily go a long time without it (myself and my friend included!)

RhubarbGin Sat 15-Apr-17 14:26:42

We have 11 and 9 year olds and I wouldn't care if we never had sex again so its not just new babies! We have do have sex, around twice a month, but it's something I have to gear myself up for and out some effort and thought into - I just can't be bothered generally.

user1480459555 Sat 15-Apr-17 18:37:27

I don't agree that sex with the same person becomes boring. I have been married 37 years and still have a pretty healthy sex life even though I would say my sex drive is not particularly high.

The main thing is we do not have children. They seem to ne the main reason for women not wanting sex and a major reason for a relationship failing

JacquesHammer Sat 15-Apr-17 18:42:06

I think the important thing is that it isn't wrong to not want sex. That's a perfectly valid way to feel.

However if you DO want sex but never feel like it, it's worth speaking to a GP to see if there is an issue that can be fixed

TheStoic Sat 15-Apr-17 18:46:44

The amount of women who go off sex with their husbands once they've bred with them suggests biology is at play.

For some people, though, the suggestion we really are all just animals is profoundly upsetting and unacceptable.

You are probably the 'normal' one, OP.

AngelThursday Sat 15-Apr-17 23:32:30

I felt like this after my DS was born (now 15) and the desire never came back. DH seemed understanding about it and when my lack of interest continued he eventually stopped asking. I presumed this meant he wasn't interested either and was content with things the way they were ie platonic relationship, good friends but no sex. However I was wrong - he did mind and sought solace in the arms of another...
I'm not saying DTD when you dont want to but please talk to your DH and don't just presume it'll all be ok like I did. Maybe seek help or think about ways to get interested again.

Gwenhwyfar Sat 15-Apr-17 23:51:58

"Sex brings so many benefits - better sleep, exercise, feeling closer, stress relief etc. etc. "

Only if you're enjoying it surely?

HarryPottersMagicWand Sun 16-Apr-17 00:11:40

Interesting thread.

To everyone saying they aren't interested in sex, do you fantasize about it (celeb etc)? Do you ever think about doing it with anyone else?

dowhatnow Sun 16-Apr-17 00:15:24


IvyLeagueUnderTheSea Sun 16-Apr-17 00:15:38

Nope. Morten Harket straight from the 80s could be completely up for it and I wouldn't be bothered.
(Picture included for people who are two young to have enjoyed him at the time)

myusernameisnotmyusername Sun 16-Apr-17 00:27:43

I also fancy my dp like mad and in fifteen years that hasn't wavered but if we go more than a couple of days without sex I really am not fussed. Once we have dtd though I want it again and again. I feel like we spent most of those years ttc though, first dd and now another.

diodati Sun 16-Apr-17 01:39:59

I think lack of libido, as it's called, is sometimes due to a hormonal imbalance. You might want to get it checked by your GP. I felt this way too but my problem was due to boredom and a bad marriage. Please don't blame yourself, OP.

sadsquid Sun 16-Apr-17 02:10:51

I haven't shagged DH since we conceived DC2, who is now 18 months old. He's up for it, it's me saying no. I felt sick and horrible and my pelvis hurt through pregnancy, and then there was the tiredness of the newborn phase, and life's been really stressful for one reason and another to the point of giving me panic attacks, and I'm still breastfeeding... all in all I just don't want to be touched. It doesn't feel good, it feels like another demand or another overwhelming piece of sensory input to hurt my brain. Our marriage was almost sexless before, apart from TTC the kids, and now it is completely.

I don't want sex but I would love to find my way back to it somehow. I remember it being fun and nice. sad I occasionally fantasise about it - sometimes with DH, sometimes other people - but in real life it could be Benedict Cumberbatch throbbing away in front of me and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to. I had a plan to try masturbating as a way to get back into 'using it' without any pressure IYSWIM - thought I could kick start my libido. But I keep forgetting to do it. blush

shitgibbon Sun 16-Apr-17 02:21:37

Sex is OK, I'd be perfectly happy if I never did it again. To me it's like any other thing, some people love it, some like it, some aren't bothered by it, some hate it, and all of those options are completely normal.

ilovechocolate07 Sun 16-Apr-17 17:29:11

I'm the same. It's a combination of hormones and day to day stress. I often find that we get into the swing of things but then as soon as time of the month is around the corner I lose any form of libido.

angelfacecuti75 Sun 16-Apr-17 17:30:42

I'm not that bothered if I'm honest. I'm sure it's being tired, working full time and running a household along with an adhd child who doesn't like to sleep that much.

angelfacecuti75 Sun 16-Apr-17 17:34:02

And I think contraception doesn't help. But I do sort of 'force' myself and then I enjoy it.

user1484578224 Sun 16-Apr-17 17:40:04

my OP is toothless and fat so I don't.

AbernathysFringe Sun 16-Apr-17 17:41:20

I was really highly sexed between the ages of 18 and 31. If I wasn't doing it I was writing about it or thinking about it. Two years ago I had my DD, now the idea of anyone going near me in that department is of almost zero interest. The idea of penises strikes me as ridiculous and gross. It's like I've had a personality transplant, a huge part of what made me, me has vanished. Luckily I'm single so I'm not having to deal with it right now, although I'd love to be in a relationship...but can't imagine how any new relationship will come about unless I can generate some interest in sex again.

mummylove2monsters Sun 16-Apr-17 17:47:48

I could happily never do it again - my partner gets really angry 😡 this makes me worse - I do it to keep him happy but if he gets cross it makes me even less likely to do it .

AlexRose5 Sun 16-Apr-17 17:49:24

OP there's nothing odd about you . Where are very small children there is usually a very tired parent! Give it time and stop being so hard on yourself ... That only makes sex feel like a duty or a chore rather than something that's supposed to pleasure BOTH partners . It's refreshing to read your husband is being patient instead of adding to the pressure you're already putting yourself under. Believe me you're not alone... My husband works all the hours god sends, and by the time he gets home and I've settled the five kids, we barely manage to eat a meal and have a chat before tiredness takes over! Really, go easy on yourself, the less pressure you feel the more at ease you will be when the libido comes back .flowers

haveacupoftea Sun 16-Apr-17 17:51:50

Some people just aren't very sexual. It's also hard to be bothered making the effort if you have a lazy partner who just lies there (not saying your DH does OP but I bet a lot of men do then wonder why they don't get any)

JoJoManon Sun 16-Apr-17 17:55:43

I haven't RTFT but I feel the same.
I have one DC age 3, sleeps through the night, always has, I get plenty of sleep, I'm not tired. I just don't have any sex drive any more. Not for my DH or anyone else for that matter.
We've had sex about three times since the toddler was conceived. My partner is gorgeous, he is my soul mate, my best friend and I adore him. So it isn't that.
My DH isn't that bothered either. I mean occasionally he tries to initiate something and I rebuff him. I'd just rather read a book.

I don't really know why I'm like this but I'm not that bothered. It would bother me if I thought my husband was really upset about it, but he doesn't seem to be.

The only thing that really concerns me is when I read articles by "experts" who say that a sexless marriage is doomed and that sex is vital in a loving marriage to stay connected etc. Then I start to get concerned that I'm not normal and my relationship is doomed.

NabobsFromNobHill Sun 16-Apr-17 17:56:44

You treat people with disrespect and eventually they'll find a way to pay you back

What a fucked up thing to say, or even think. I really don't think whoever said this is in any position to advise on relationships. Or human life at all, really.

iamthemanny Sun 16-Apr-17 18:08:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Daydream007 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:11:03

You are normal!

Adalfieri Sun 16-Apr-17 18:11:41

I'm 40 + 3 days pregnant (come out baby!!!) and still up for it. My problem is that it's my other half who isn't. He's gone off sex for about 3 years in our 4 year marriage. If it did happen, it was maybe once a month if I was lucky? I have no idea how I fell pregnant as we had a 3-4 month hiatus at that point - his sperm must have gone crazy with the release and shot right up to do their business like nuclear warfare.

So, it's not only us women who go off sex. My bloke claims he still finds me attractive and he's definitely not cheating on me considering he spends all his non working time either at home or at the gym. It's just one of those things that happen in life.

Thank goodness for vibrators.

HappyFlappy Sun 16-Apr-17 18:16:31

I can barely manage two days without jumping my OH. If we're out all I can think about is how much i fancy him

I used to be like this.

These days I keep a bucket of cold water next to the bed in case he starts getting ideas.

Flossimodo Sun 16-Apr-17 18:16:37

To harrypottersmagicwand. Ner. No fantasies here. Johnny Depp in his younger days was the most drop dead gorgeous man I'd ever clapped eyes on. He could walk in here right now with a bottle of Krug, and blow in my ear, and I couldn't be arsed to open my legs. Shit, innit?

Alter Sun 16-Apr-17 18:18:33

Same here, I think it's hormonal and quite common, only certain times of the month do I get the desire, still feel like it's so much effort though. My dh doesn't really understand because he wants to all the time, we have just come to a compromise bybtalking it through.

JacquelineChan Sun 16-Apr-17 18:18:54

Funnily enough I just said to my mate I'd turn down Tom Hardy mist nights in favour of an episode of Corrie and she said she's the same . We are both early 40''s, I've got a 3 year old , she has no kids .

Ellapaella Sun 16-Apr-17 18:20:18

I find when I'm ovulating I want loads of sex and for the few days before and after (so for about 8 days a month) I will initiate it a lot and we have it everyday. Then it's like a light just goes out and I'm just suddenly not interested at all, once I make the effort I do enjoy it but it's nowhere near as frequent. When I was in my 20's I had a much higher sex drive and I really hope it makes a come back as I actually love the 'high' that I get and the good mood I'm in when I'm ovulating, I wish everyday could be like that.

Shuzza Sun 16-Apr-17 18:23:10

So pleased to find this thread, it's becoming an issue for my husband and I. I know many here are saying it's normal, but what can be done about it? Long term a mismatched sex drive can cause real difficultly. It's not fair to ask any woman just to lie back and crack on for the sake of her marriage, nor expect a man to continue in a relationship where he feels... not sure what the word is... rejected? Disappointed regularly?
Is separation the only answer? Or is there some kind of middle ground that you can find your way back to? How do you find it?

spankhurst Sun 16-Apr-17 18:27:46

My DS is 10 and DH and I have only just really started having a regular sex life again. We've had a decade of very little physical contact for many reasons. If you can both accept the status quo and stay affectionate and loving, you may find that things change eventually.

Shockers Sun 16-Apr-17 18:32:04

We've been together for 20 years and the desire to dtd waxes and wanes. It's not through lack of love, or not fancying each other, it's just that it's not a perfunctory task for us.

When it happens it's great, but we've gone 6 months before now. Luckily, we are similar in our drives.

lottieandmia Sun 16-Apr-17 18:34:03

Some people just have a low sex drive. Unfortunately I have a high sex drive which I think is worse!

heron98 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:36:15

I could easily never have sex.

HOWEVER, I do think it's an important part of a relationship so ensure I suggest it once or twice a week. Once I get started I always enjoy it. I find if it's me doing the suggesting I feel more "empowered" if that's the right word, rather than being annoyed at him suggesting it.

AlyHughes86 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:36:17

Oh my goodness petal give yourself a break. You have a 16 week old! It took me a year after each child to feel like I had reclaimed by body from the kiddo and that just ain't sexy. You've had a short space between each kiddo as well it seems. Mine are 2 years 3 months apart and at no point from the minute I fell pregnant with 1st to a year after the 2nd was born did I feel horny! Even when I was trying with my second, it was entirely cursory. Feel v different now with my youngest just turning 3. This too shall pass

user1480459555 Sun 16-Apr-17 18:48:40

I find this thread very sad. Ok if you are both fine with little or no sex but it is not normal or healthy not to want sex with someone you love on the whole.

I am just so glad we chose not to have children

LouKout Sun 16-Apr-17 18:50:38

Thatll make her feel better then

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks Sun 16-Apr-17 18:57:19

I'm 45 and single, and I haven't had sex in 9 years. I sometimes miss it, but I've never had a high drive, even before DC.

Trudij123 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:00:55

Img you could be my twin !! That's exactly what I'm like

mrbreezeet1 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:03:51

If you really do love him, perhaps you could do other favors without intercourse to please him.
Sex is important part of a relationship.
The Woman are always saying, "sex isn't everything, sex isn't everything"
NO, It is not "Everything"
But it indeed in an important part of the releationship1

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 16-Apr-17 19:06:18

Don't do sex acts just to please your partner unless you actually want to and enjoy it yourself.

cherrybath Sun 16-Apr-17 19:10:13

There have been some really nasty posts here DcQuinn , don't be bothered by them.
I'm with Italiangreyhound, there is no "normal". There are bound to be stages in your life when you don't want sex: when you've got a small baby, when you're stressed (amongst other times). Not sure if you are breastfeeding but if so this may well have an effect on your libido too. My DH always lost interest when he was stressed at work, and wasn't very interested when I was breastfeeding. I suppose that a lot of this is down to pheromones.

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea Sun 16-Apr-17 19:10:52

Sex is important part of a relationship.

See this always gets trotted out.
Why is it an important part of a relationship?

neveradullmoment99 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:18:14

Spent most of my late teens, twenties and even thirties feeling exactly this way. My dh used to constantly go in a mood with me over it. Im not sure exactly what changed now that i am in my forties but i definetly have more times when I feel like dtd. The more i seem to do it too, the more it kind of makes you want too. I was on contraceptives for most of my teens - thirties so think they played a huge part. In the early days i could so have lived without it. I had a friend that just couldnt live without it. I used to wonder I didnt feel the same way but i really didnt. You are not alone.

neveradullmoment99 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:20:39

l think the problem with my dh at least was that if i didnt feel like sex he thought i was rejecting him but i wasnt. I just didnt feel like it, much like when you dont feel like chocolate. I still wanted closeness, but not in that way. He always saw it as a rejection, hence the moods. He needed it as confirmation i still loved him, I didnt. I wanted cuddles and closeness.

HomityBabbityPie Sun 16-Apr-17 19:21:26

I feel the same at the moment but we have a one year old who still isn't a very consistent sleeper and we are both knackered. I'm still fat (slowly losing it) with a c section overhang so don't feel attractive at all. And DS uses up so much of my emotional energy I struggle to have enough to have sex with my partner.

I'm hoping this will all level out and get better now. I've never been crazily into sex but pre-DS we would certainly do it a couple of times a week, now it's more like once a month.

Albadross Sun 16-Apr-17 19:42:34

I had this - I was even getting really physically uncomfortable with being touched by DH when I forced myself to dtd. I think it must've been hormone related because I went briefly on the pill and then stopped and all of a sudden something shifted and I got my libido back!

It's not raging and we're still only having sex sometimes just once a fortnight, but I can get into it once we start and I don;t feel I want to push him off me the way I used to.

Hormones are bastards.

mumof3boys33 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:47:19

Gosh. I wish I had a higher sex drive like some of you, but sadly I don't. My OH always says I'm not "normal" he is 15 years older than me (I'm around mid 40's) he would still in an ideal world like sex every few days. When he was my age he wanted it and needed it at least twice a day. I really couldn't cope with his sexual needs. I'm amazed we have been together over 20 years as we aren't sexually compatible. If he goes a week without he gets moody and snaps at us all. I assumed all men were like him.
As for me, I think I could go without forever. I have very little sex drive.
OP everyone is different. But having young children doesn't help.

LushAlice Sun 16-Apr-17 19:54:33

I think it's an evolutionary thing... if we all wanted sex in the weeks and months after giving birth, Mother Nature figures we wouldn't be paying full/enough attention to the baby.

Oblomov17 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:55:36

Feel the same. Love my husband so much and feel sorry for him really because he deserves better. Makes me so sad.

Hushhush89 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:57:28

Your not alone. I go through stages. At 1 point I couldn't stand having sex. When it did happen I couldn't wait for it to be over. I felt so bad for husband as he thought I didn't want to be with him which wasn't the case, sometimes I'd let it happen once a month or I could go a few months before I eventually let him have what he wanted. But for some reason since around November I can't get enough now and my husband is the one having to say no to me... I'm still the same now and occasionally had to have it up to 3 times a day otherwise I seemed to get frustrated if he told me You may change about how you feel about having it and your very lucky your partner is patient and doesn't get the hump over it....

Whoopwhoopwooo Sun 16-Apr-17 19:58:00

Your baby is still so young op. Give yourself chance. I'm in my late 30's and love it now more than ever. Me and Dh are running upstairs every opportunity. I was like you tho when children were small, don't beat yourself up about it. Good luck xx

mrbreezeet1 Sun 16-Apr-17 19:59:45

AssassinatedBeauty Said.........Sun 16-Apr-17 19:06:18

Don't do sex acts just to please your partner unless you actually want to and enjoy it yourself.

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

Lovelymess Sun 16-Apr-17 19:59:52

Totally normal, your youngest is very young. You have 3 children to look after and a house to run and your probably knackered most of the time!! Give yourself time, there's nothing wrong with you flowers

Winemamma Sun 16-Apr-17 19:59:54

Yes I feel like this. When DH and I have sex (roughly once every 6/8 wks) I do enjoy it in the main but I never have the drive to want to do it in the first place. I only ever instigate it because I know he wants it. He's pretty good about not pressuring me but after a month he starts dropping not so subtle hints and briefly gets a bit sulky if I ignore them.
I wish I had a sex drive, I feel guilty for DH that I don't. I have 2 DC but the youngest is nearly 4 and no issues re sleep.
I'm hoping I will find my mojo at some point soon as I would like to want to have sex!

Flossimodo Sun 16-Apr-17 20:01:35

User 1480459555. To be quite challengingly pedantic, I love plenty of people, but I wouldn't want to have sex with them all. As evidenced by this thread it is perfectly normal for there to be times in all of our lives when, although we love our life partner dearly, having intimate sexual relations is right at the very bottom of important dates to keep. It's not black and white. I know some people my age who can take sex or leave it.
It might surprise you to know that some women dont ever feel that urgency. Or even have an orgasm, ever.
Not everybody has great orgasms, and 30 per cent none at all. So if you DO then that's great for you and more power to your elbow. But don't judge others on your own experience. Some women dtd from guilt and duty because they just don't feel the urge. It's not abnormal not to feel an urge for sex. It's normal.
And for what it's worth I do have a modest orgasm, and I don't believe having children changes it either way. You are either lucky enough to have massive and rewarding orgasms from minimal stimulation or you are not. Having given birth makes no difference. I don't think you are in a position to judge whether or not this is normal. Nor am I.

Ava5 Sun 16-Apr-17 20:02:41

"I must be the only weird one on here who would happily have sex twice a day every day I must have a seriously high sex drive or am just weird compared to everyone else."

Same here - always had a crazy amount of sexual energy. I feel like I could make it into an alternate energy source lol. The kicker is that I'm involuntarily celibate and have no one to unleash it on sad

I really wish there was a medical explanation for naturally high and low drives (once you take out all of the extenuating factors out of the equation: birth control, womens' cyclical peaks, BF etc.). So far they've only figured out that womens' drives fall with long-term monogamy but no one knows why scientifically.

serenemostly Sun 16-Apr-17 20:05:17

My heart goes out to you. Very, very few women regain optimum hormone balance after giving birth - it's not just Post Natal Depression that can affect us, loss of sex drive, changes in: appetite, weight, hair and skin tone and texture, are all extremely common if not really talked about. Plus there's sleep loss and disruption which will throw out hormonal balance all on their own. As soon as you can: ask for help so you can get more undisturbed sleep, and help your hormones re-balance through the best healthy healing diet you can mange with 3 tablespoons of Hemp seed oil a day, walk or dance every day for 20 mins, and suggest that DH play his part by fully organising a date/pampering night once a week with lots of tactile connection. BTW Meditation made a massive difference for me (not Mindfulness). Best of luck to you and maybe, for the first little while try and view sex with your DH just as you making a loving connection with him, no need for acrobatics or even orgasms, just loving connection.

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 16-Apr-17 20:17:54

mrbreezeet1, nothing is wrong with that, as long as you want to and you enjoy it yourself. I'm sure no decent man would want their partner to perform a sex act for them if they didn't want to and weren't enjoying it.

JacquesHammer Sun 16-Apr-17 20:20:38

*why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat

Nothing. The key being IF you want to. And IF you enjoy it.

Sexual acts aren't a commodity. No-one should have to give their partner ANYTHING if they don't want to

HomityBabbityPie Sun 16-Apr-17 20:25:13

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

Not really sure why any self respecting man would want a "treat" from a partner who wasn't enjoying it confused.

Thislittlepiggywenttomarket Sun 16-Apr-17 21:07:26

I'm the same - happily go for months without. I also feel really bad for my husband, I do try. As said by a precious poster - I usually do enjoy it once I get going, it's just getting into that mindset 😉.
(I've not fully read the thread so apologies if I've missed an important point).

teediebellsmum Sun 16-Apr-17 21:13:08

TBH what is normal? In my group of mates we range from dried up shrews to proper hornet mares. In the space of my relationship with my Dh (11 years and 2 kids aged 10 & 7) I have swung from raging horndog to I never ever want to have sex again ever thanks.
It depends on so many things. After my did was born I could have happily gone for the rest of my life not having sex and I didn't miss it. Poor Dh didn't know what was going on as up until then it was always me pestering him for sex.
Was quiet funny as it made him realise how lucky he had been with a wife always up for a bit.
I can't remember how long it lasted. But the longer it went on the less I wanted sex.
Then we did and slowly things changed. We are now back to me pestering him. But kids are older. Sleep is better, I'm back at work, so am financially independent again. I feel like our lives are a bit more back to how it was before kids e.g. More time together just the two of us.
Wish I could say why/how it changed. Just wanted to say that you are normal and don't stress. You'll get back on the old horse when you feel ready to.

mrbreezeet1 Sun 16-Apr-17 21:14:25

mrbreezeet1, nothing is wrong with that, as long as you want to and you enjoy it yourself. I'm sure no decent man would want their partner to perform a sex act for them if they didn't want to and weren't enjoying it.
HomityBabbityPie Sun 16-Apr-17 20:25:13

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

Not really sure why any self respecting man would want a "treat" from a partner who wasn't enjoying it confused.

NO< Because a Lot of Woman Enjoy pleasing a woman.
A lot of woman enjoy doing oral, and pleasing a Man manually,
I Also enjoy Doing Oral To a woman.

and I agree with the poster on the 2nd page.
If he is Happy he will stay, if Not, The marriage will crumble.
We went married, But the last woman I was with for ~ two years,
I busted My Ass Trying to do things for her, Fixing The House,
Fixing her Car, Buying Tires and all the parts for the Car,
Buying all the Parts and doing the work to the house,
I didn't ask for Much,
But To be Happy in the bedroom.
Sex Was On The Bottom of her List of priorities,
Or not on the list at all.
She always said "She didn't "Feel Good"
She Felt Plenty good enough to Go sing at the Bar, and To bust her ass decorating the House for EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY,
And working on Plants, and Crafts, and shopping , and Looking at jewelry,
and Taking the whole Damn Day In Walmart, when We only needed a few things,
Everything was always about HER!
But when it came time to "Alone Time" in the Bedroom,
She "Didn't Feel good" Or was Tired.
Well Guess What?
We ain't together any more.

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 16-Apr-17 21:21:54

Probably for the best mrbreezeet1. You don't get to buy sex from your partner by doing enough DIY or car fixing. Sex isn't something you earn or deserve or are owed. It's something two people do together if they both feel like it. She didn't feel like it. Did you ever properly ask her why without arguing about it?

JacquesHammer Sun 16-Apr-17 21:26:42

We ain't together any more

I think that's for the best. You seem to think that you can buy sex. Concerning.

Shockers Sun 16-Apr-17 21:30:02

Hope she's happy still doing all of those things and has learnt how to fix her own car (or pay someone to do it) so she doesn't feel pestered into having sex. There's nothing more likely to turn a person off than feeling obligated.

Are you still single Mrbreeze?

MrsDoylesTeabags Sun 16-Apr-17 21:34:51

Thank you DcQuinn for starting this threat and I hope it's brought you some comfort to know that you're not alone in the way you're feeling. I think libido comes and goes and particularly for women can be a very delicate thing and can be affected by so many things.

One thing that I really dislike on threads like these (although you normally find them on the femininst topics) is when a man comes along to derail the thread and make it all about him. I find it's usually best to not bite.

HomityBabbityPie Sun 16-Apr-17 21:36:33

Can't think why your marriage broke up mrbreeze, you seem like a right catch hmm

HomityBabbityPie Sun 16-Apr-17 21:37:31

You're right mrsdoyles. I shall say no more but just leave this here.

Judydreamsofhorses Sun 16-Apr-17 21:45:23

My partner and I have only had sex three times this year - we're under a huge amount of stress as he was made redundant last year, and while we're still very intimate (sleeping naked, constantly affectionate) that desire is kind of not there just now. In a weird way I feel guilty doing anything enjoyable just now (eg, we got vouchers for a fancy restaurant at Christmas and it feels wrong to use them) and I think that's part of it. Also on my part general stress of suddenly being the only earner, plus a pretty stressful job. I think (hope!) things will puck up sex-wise when everything else gets sorted. I agree with posters talking of peaks and troughs.

MrsDoylesTeabags Sun 16-Apr-17 21:45:31

grin Homity

Strygil Sun 16-Apr-17 21:54:26

In some ways this is one of the saddest threads I have read on this forum. My sadness stems from the number of women who seem to think that they have a right to take advantage of their partners' willingness to forgo a sexual component to their relationships. Any kind or level of sexual relationship between two people provided that it is something they both agree is good enough for them. By "good enough" I mean a relationship to which you give that which you are able to give comfortably, and from which you receive enough to maintain contentment.

That said, to conduct a relationship on the basis that "he wants sex, I don't, and he puts up with going without" is, bluntly put, exploitative, manipulative and bullying.

I can imagine only too clearly the outrage which would result from someone posting that their male partners refused to meet their sexual needs on a systematic basis. "He's shagging his secretary, he's gay, he's projecting his sexual inadequacy on to you, he's bullying you, yada yada yada".

Sad, sad, sad.

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea Sun 16-Apr-17 21:55:46


No man worth the name would happily accept any kind of sexual contact from a begrudging woman.
Now take your penis and fuck off.

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea Sun 16-Apr-17 21:56:45

Yay. He we go again being told that I'm sad and inadequate. Thanks.

greenworm Sun 16-Apr-17 21:59:03

I have no children and if left to my own devices I think it would probably be once a fortnight. I know DP wants more so it's more like once a week.

helpmesusan Sun 16-Apr-17 21:59:32

Oh OP I really feel for you. I am there too - ever since the birth of DS 4 years ago, my sex drive has been much lower than before, and now lower than DP's.

However, I am clear that that there is nothing 'wrong' with a person who has a low sex drive, any more than there is something 'wrong' with a person with a high sex drive. Both me and DP are within normal limits - but he has a higher sex drive than me. He gets bad tempered and I get pressured, and the more that happens the less I want sex. I can't see it ending well.

I would be very interested to hear from husbands whose wives have a higher sex drive than them. How do they cope with it? What behaviours do they exhibit?

I am beginning to think that the secret of a happy marriage is having similar sex drives, rather than deep love or respect or whatever!

I'm afraid nothing I have written will give you much comfort OP, although it sounds like you are not at the stage we are at. Good luck to you.

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 16-Apr-17 22:02:56

Totally disagree with you Strygil, and it is unreasonable to think that a woman with a 3yr old and a 16 week old baby is being "exploitative, manipulative and bullying" because she doesn't feel like having sex.

2gorgeousboys Sun 16-Apr-17 22:07:16

Me too! I love and fancy DH but sex is just too much hassle most of the time. I make an effort weekly as I don't not enjoy it and I know it's important for our relationship but I wouldn't e unhappy to not have sex.

I'm on hormone injections because of endometriosis so I'm not sure how much is due to that.

IfNotNowThenWhenever Sun 16-Apr-17 22:11:34

I think more women would want sex more if there was more in it for them. In general men have an orgasm every time. In general women don't, or it take more effort anyway. If women came every time they had sex they might be more up for it. Most men are really not all that good at getting a woman there (in my fairly extensive experience) and a lot of women put up with that in the early stages, but it's less appealing after a few years.
Yes, I know that will probably be the cue for loads of posters to wax lyrical about their hubby's prowess, but that's my experience, and the experience of most of the women I know.

BigGrannyPants Sun 16-Apr-17 22:11:52

I'm the same, felt like this for years, I always have put it down to my own body confidence but I'm not sure the reason if I'm absolutely honest. I know my DH finds it hard, I have to really psych myself up for it and even then sometimes I don't go ahead with it

cleanlaundry Sun 16-Apr-17 22:12:03

I went through this after DD, I think it's more of a perspective shift for me. As I was doing most of the childcare - still am! - but now I also do housework, cooking, and work 4 days a week, I don't get much free time. I would rather spend My free time now laying in bed, on my phone, catching up on all the social media/news stories I never get time to during the day. Took a while for DH to understand that small window of downtime will not be spent on servicing him or having sex.

However, what put me off of intimacy like cuddling in bed was the fact that every time we did cuddle, he would think it would lead to sex. That was a big turn off, I hated that, and of course he would moan and say it's been weeks and again that's a turn off. After everything that comes with a new baby for a first time parent, sex was the last thing on my mind.

Also it felt selfish to mention lack of sex when I didn't want to - like my needs don't matter but I should be concerned about his. Doesn't matter that I've been up 3 times a night feeding the baby, or come back from work and look after the baby. My energy was literally spent.

I would happily not do it for ages. And what annoys me is when I mentioned this to him, instead of being understanding, he reacted as if it was a problem that I feel like this. No it bloody well isn't!

TwelveTwentyfour Sun 16-Apr-17 22:14:31

Sorry to hear about the stress this is causing you, OP. I hope you get the chance to talk it through with OH to ease your mind.

On another track, I'm surprised to see that no one has talked about the influence of endometriosis on sex on this thread (unless I missed it as had one eye on line of duty while reading though) Stats say up to 10% of women have endometriosis even though few know about it- for me it causes painful sex so even though I'd love to dtd more often, I wince at the thought of it and put DH off so we manage it only about twice a month. After all these years I'm conditioned to expect pain so don't get aroused. It's really sad for us both. Sex can only be shallow penetration so we can't get carried away in the moment either. I grieve for my partners loss too and hope to get treatment for the pain when I've been through the NHS mill. I might need counselling to reverse the conditioning against sex too. Anyone else suffered endometriosis related low sex drive?

LouKout Sun 16-Apr-17 22:17:08

Strygil so you'd be happy to have sex with someone who isnt wanting to and is forcing themselves?

Thats somewhat rapey.

LouKout Sun 16-Apr-17 22:25:02

And as for mrbreezet..words fail me.

Hope your ex has met a nicer man now

OverthinkingSpartacus Sun 16-Apr-17 22:30:38

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

dh said he would be happy not having sex for the rest of his life rather than have me do sex acts he knows I'm doing as a "favour" or "treat", that my body isn't a reward to treat and my consent isn't something to be given as a treat either.

If he felt that I felt I had to do it as a favour he'd be offended as it suggests he doesn't care about me and my enjoyment, he thinks a man who would use his wife's body as a reward to himself is a twat.

Performing sex acts as a favour wouldn't be increasing sex drive tbh.

helpmesusan Sun 16-Apr-17 22:34:56

Are you still together Cleanlaundry?

Everything you said chimes with me.

My DP batters on about it so much. I can't take much more.

Chickoletta Sun 16-Apr-17 22:36:39

When we dtd, it's wonderful (even after 20 yrs together), I really enjoy it and we're pretty adventurous. Despite this, like lots of PPs, I can happily go weeks in between. For me it's the getting in the mood that's the issue. Strangely, when I was pregnant I was absolutely rampant for the last 6 months!

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