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To think SIL and neice should shut the hell up about things they don't understand?

(4 Posts)
PorkyPandora Fri 14-Apr-17 22:10:25

Backstory in brief: I am estranged from my family due to my toxic mother cutting me off when I challenged her about my childhood abuse when she started her mental abuse with my own DC. DD was a teenager at the time and later contacted my family herself when she was 18 but they snubbed her. DH is from a different culture where parents are greatly revered and to go against the parents (even when adult) is a massive no no. For e.g, one SIL hid the fact that she was married to a man from a different country for 10 YEARS causing her great anxiety and FIL was going to disown DH when he found out about our relationship. Relations are frosty now and we probably see DH's siblings two to three times a year despite them living only an hour away and they rarely call DH, never acknowledge DC's birthdays or Christmas etc. We used to go to a lot of trouble to be hospitable to them, inviting them for dinner, BBQs, having neice and nephews to stay in school hols and travelling to see them but they rarely reciprocated so we've not bothered much in the last few years. I feel​ that they have never really accepted me so have stopped trying after years of going out of my way to be.

DD is 20 now and feels the loss of my family so is keen to keep the relationship going with her cousin (5 years older) so travelled to meet her yesterday. SIL (not cousin's mum, different sister) joined them and they started on to DD about family bring important and she should contact my mum and not listen to me, build a relationship with my family herself. That on the few occasions they met my mother she was so lovely and kind and they can't understand it. My mum's probably hurting that she doesn't see us etc.

They know very little about why we are not in contact with my family - sexual, physical and emotional abuse in my childhood which took me years of therapy to accept and deal with. They only know I had a row with my mother about stuff that happened when I was a kid. DD told them that she had contacted them, I never stopped her as I accepted as an adult she could make her own mind up, and as they hadn't bothered with her for 4 years there was no going back. They told her she should keep trying or she will regret it for the rest of her life.

DD was upset when she got back and angry when she told me about it. The conversation only started when she told them that as they make little effort to see her she was having to make the effort all the timehmm.

We have invited them for dinner on Sunday and tbh I am pretty pissed off that they have gone behind my back and said all this to DD especially the not listening to me bit, when I have never tried to poison DD against my family which is why she tried to make contact herself 2 years ago and had to see for herself that they really don't give a shit.

AIBU to think they were completely out of order?

chinam Fri 14-Apr-17 22:14:49

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. Are you going to say something to your SIl?

PorkyPandora Fri 14-Apr-17 22:47:33

Don't think I could stop myself Chinam!

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness Fri 14-Apr-17 22:52:49

No YANBU at all.
What they've done goes beyond what might be irritating meddling in the scheme of petty familial squabbles. They've crossed a line and done something which could set someone who endured what you had to back (not saying it would but that it could) and along the way cause your daughter a great deal of unnecessary trauma.
You have every right to be incandescent about this.

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