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AIBU - 12yo boy peed in relative's garden in front of 5yo DD

(269 Posts)
Concerned45 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:05:45

Looking for advice in delicate situation please.

We left our DD at family party for 7yo with plenty of relatives to look out for her. She is used to spending time there and there were lots of children there although DD was one of only 2 girls of at least 10 children.

In asking about the party on her return she mentioned the above incident. I asked whether she told a grown up and who else was there at the time. She said it was just the 2 of them in a part if the garden not visible from house, other children were in other part if garden or in the house at the time and that he had told her not to tell anyone that it happened. I asked why she thinks he did it given that the garden isn't large and there are several toilets in house, she said he just needed to go there and then but she didn't see his boy bits.

The boy in questions is DS of a relative. All wider family have perceived for at least 10yrs that he has some SEN issues that probably need intervention or at least support. He is a v sweet and polite boy but his behaviour is routinely very disruptive, v over excited and unable to play in a calm way or avoid breaking toys or damaging furniture/ornaments esp when he was younger, on one occasion he spoke to his mother in what I would regard as really quite scary aggressive/threatening tones when he realised they wouldn't get home in time to watch his favourite tv programme. Having started secondary school, apparently he has v few friends and has an arrangement to stay indoors at lunchtime as the playground presented to many challenges. From what I know, his mother does not consider that he needs anything other than love and attention in order to overcome earlier disruption in his life (he is not biological DS of my relative but she has had him since he was a toddler). Am not sure where my relative's DH stands on this issue but he clearly seems to get very stressed out by DS' behaviour. Wider family have gently tried to suggest getting additional support for him but response from mother has not been positive. I'm not close enough to know full details of this but have never passed judgement on how my relative is bringing up her DC (her other DC, also not biological do not suffer from same behavioural issues). We've tried to accommodate her DS and e.g. intervened to defuse situation when other adults are getting stressed out at his behaviour if his parents are not around etc.

Anyway, with this recent incident, my DH is absolutely fuming and wants me to address it but I'm not sure how to go about it. I've briefly discussed it with the host of the party who was mortified and v apologetic to us. I assured them it wasn't their fault as the DC are old enough to look after themselves playing in enclosed garden and I wouldn't have spent the whole party following DD around the garden anyway had I been there. The host agrees this is a tricky situation but that it needs to be communicated back to the DS' mother.

AIBU regardless of the outcome of the conversation (when it happens) to avoid DD interacting with this boy or should we try to be part of a wider supportive network to help him?
Any advice gratefully received on this point as well as on how to raise this issue in the first place.

britbat23 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:08:21

He's a young boy. He had a wee. Your DD did not see.

This is not a "safeguarding issue" for anybody.... some one had a wee.

FingerLickinSpringChickin Fri 14-Apr-17 21:08:55

Boy does a wee in the garden. Do you think maybe you're seriously over thinking this?

MoMandaS Fri 14-Apr-17 21:10:28

Is your DH fuming about the fact that your daughter saw a boy urinate? Or that people you left in charge of her allowed that to happen? Or both? Or what?

Wando1986 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:10:33

He had a wee in a bush. Bloody hell.

harderandharder2breathe Fri 14-Apr-17 21:11:25

She didn't see anything! Stop making a drama out of a non-event

Liara Fri 14-Apr-17 21:12:08

Maybe you are worried because of his SEN whereas if he didn't have any you wouldn't be?

Am scratching my head as to why you thing this is even an issue, tbh.

Batghee Fri 14-Apr-17 21:12:22

I really think this is not that big of a deal. It clearly wasnt a sexual thing. Youve spoken to the host so im not sure what else you can do? Id probably just leave it and not think too much more about it.

MoMandaS Fri 14-Apr-17 21:14:25

To answer your clear question: no, you should not avoid your DD interacting with this boy (her cousin?) based on what you've said and yes, you should be supportive of his parents in facing any difficulties he has.

KoalaDownUnder Fri 14-Apr-17 21:15:08

If you think this is 'a delicate situation', you've lived a sheltered life.

I'm really not sure what you're getting at here.

Waddlelikeapenguin Fri 14-Apr-17 21:15:38

Eh? What's the worry?

flapjackfairy Fri 14-Apr-17 21:15:54

If he is immature then he wouldnt have had any dodgy motives so i agree it is not an issue !

PandaSays Fri 14-Apr-17 21:16:02

He peed, no one saw anything. And the rest is not your business you said yourself your not close enough to know the details. So you have no idea what support he's getting, ,if he's been diagnosed with anything and clearly the school are aware of the situation.

JustSpeakSense Fri 14-Apr-17 21:16:12

A boy had a wee, your DD didn't see anything.

Calm down dear.

notapizzaeater Fri 14-Apr-17 21:17:08

I have a ds with Sen and TBH wouldn't be concerned about this, you are over thinking it - he's had a pee, grown adults do it as well !

DoloresTheRunawayTrain Fri 14-Apr-17 21:18:33

If you seriously think this is a safeguarding issue then what the hell are you doing leaving her there? I don't care if she's "used" to it. If you seriously believe that something happened that you would deem a safeguarding issue then you are part of the safeguarding problem as you are complicit by allowing her into that situation.

Alternatively, you could view it as a boy caught possible too short to make it to the house or being embarrassed to ask where the toilet was (you said he may have additional needs so to him a quick wee behind a bush in private may have seemed eminently sensible to him). No coercion was involved and your daughter was not involved in any way she just happened to be in the general vicinity and saw nothing. She wasn't asked to accompany him, or keep watch or anything else which would be regarded as raiding safeguarding flags. However, as I said before if your thinking has lead you down this path then no matter how much of a pain in the arse it is, you do not leave her anywhere with anyone and yes you do follow her around and always keep her in sight, otherwise, you will suspect everyone of causing a safeguarding issue.

traviata Fri 14-Apr-17 21:18:38

what exactly is your DH 'absolutely fuming' about? confused

GlitterGlue Fri 14-Apr-17 21:19:35

He's not a young boy though, he's 12. So old enough to know it's not the done thing - and he asked the child not to tell anyone. We don't know that it absolutely definitely isn't sexual, but at the very least a reminder that such behaviour is entirely inappropriate should be given. He may well be struggling with boundaries so a reminder would be appropriate before he gets himself into bother.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain Fri 14-Apr-17 21:20:24

In short, the problem is you and your Dh's climate of safeguarding suspicion and not the boy. Therefore if a scenario this innocent has raised your hackles this much then you address it between yourselves.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Fri 14-Apr-17 21:20:40

It was a wee In a Bush not a shit in your handbag.

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:20:59

I think anyone 'fuming' over this needs to calm down. If your DH is so very upset why isn't he able to say so directly to the boys parents himself?

I also have an 11 year old with ASD who likes to pee in gardens very occasionally, and a 6 year old without ASD who will follow suit if he thinks he can. It's not as terrible as you're making it out to be; perhaps he needs a gentle reminder about privacy and needing to ensure that he doesn't expose his private parts (I have had such talks with DS1) but as a parent of a child with ASD I'd be mortified if a relative made it into such an enormous deal.

wheresthel1ght Fri 14-Apr-17 21:21:46

I am sorry I really don't see what your problem is?

I think you are overreacting

Floggingmolly Fri 14-Apr-17 21:22:23

Why does your DH want you to "address it", even if there was something to address? The whole set up sounds a bit odd, tbh.
A family party, teeming with relatives; yet you leave your 5 year old there and bugger off??

Bluntness100 Fri 14-Apr-17 21:22:53

I'm with the others, he had a wee, she didn't see anything, what's the issue? Why stop any interaction. What does it tell your daughter if you do? That you don't interact with kids who are different? Are you ok with that, because I wouldn't be.

Your partner being fuming seems the oddest thing,what's wrong with him? I'd address this with him, he really is the one with the problems.why is he so overcome and unaccepting of someone who is different?

LucilleBluth Fri 14-Apr-17 21:23:42

You don't have any experience with young boys do you op?

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