AIBU to want nothing more to do with SIL?(21 Posts)
It was my stepdads funeral this week. It was lovely except for the behaviour of my SIL. I had agreed with the vicar that my dd (8) could say a few words. I knew I couldn't as I have ME and risked being too ill or too upset and was really delighted my dd would so in my stead. All my sil had to do was be nice and parent her child. She didn't really do either. The day before the funeral, my brother, elder by 2 years, decided he also wanted to speak. Brother, sil and their 6 yr old ds arrived shortly before the coffin and within 5 mins, sil announced if the vicar told my brother he couldn't speak, my brother would have to speak in my dds place. I was very shocked and tried to smooth over that it would be fine but she kept on going on expecting me to agree. I went away, came back and keeping my composure, explained my feelings and she made out I was attacking her.
After the wake my brother and sil refused to leave the pub and I ended up looking after their ds. As the children (my dd is almost 9) were playing near a big pond, I needed to keep an eye on the 6 yr old whilst playing on my brothers old go kart with my dd when all I wanted to do was chat with my family. Nephew wanted to continue when my dd had had enough of basically pushing him around as he didn't want to share. I suggested he shared a game with dd (inside the house) and go back out later. He was also missing his mum and I comforted him, fed him snacks etc.
When sil and brother finally arrived, 3 hours after the wake, she denied his feelings for basically abandoning him (ongoing issue) and when he said he wanted to keep playing on the go kart and my dd wanted to do something else, she took afront to this. I explained I was getting him to share (ie take turns at games) with dd, she ignored me and repeatedly told him he could do what he wanted. Later dd ran in the house to me crying when brother and sil told their ds they'd be taking the go kart home from grandmas house, which dd loves playing with when she visits. Sil followed in and I left dd to explain her feelings, hugging her but said nothing. Suddenly sil started shouting that dd was being manipulative for crying (she's 8, she'd just been to grandpas funeral), screamed that her ds didn't have to listen to "these people", grabbed her child, and stormed outside. 10 mins later, she came back in, apologised to my dd then me in a "sorry but" way and we have to understand her ds is little and doesn't get what was going on etc. I said dd is upset because because there's no toys at grandmas house and she likes the go kart and this is why she's upset. Her response was delivered in a venomous way and the gist was: "That's unfortunate, we don't always get what we want, do we?"
Her bias is so against my child and family. We don't see them regularly but when we do, it involves overnight stays. I regularly have to take dd aside and explain to her that aunty x and uncle y never learnt that all children are equal and need to be treated the same by grown ups even if said adults aren't their mummys and daddys.
Dd and I are afraid of sil. She has regularly screamed at me. AIBU to want nothing more to do with sil?
You're completely justified in cutting her out, and I'm sorry for your loss.
YANBU. Her behaviour is affecting your DD so I'd limit contact. How do you get on with your DB in general? Sorry about your stepdad did your DD get to speak at the funeral?
Sorry, I'd stop contact not limit it-with SIL anyway.
Thank you. Thank you I really just need to get this out.
Yes she did, thanks for your words. My brother doesn't see an issue with his wife. He "sides" with her. Really it shouldn't be about sides. We had a very difficult relationship growing up. Dm is narcissistic.
So sorry for your loss.
YANBU. She sounds horrible.
So sorry for your loss.
I'd agree with pp. you don't need this especially as it's affecting your Dd. I wouldn't limit but just cut off.
Is he the "golden child" then? Honestly, if contact with their family is detrimental to you and your DD I'd have nothing to do with them. This is a very difficult time for everyone and you need to be around people who are kind to you. I feel sorry for her DS but there's probably not much you can do about him.
Yes golden child. I'm supporting my mum.... even though she is difficult and accuses me of always creating a drama. The drama usually consists of her not listening and me getting frustrated when I repeat myself for the third time In a "for gods sake just listen to me" kind of way.
Her idea of conversation is a monologue.
basically you wont be missing ot on anything except fights an agressivness
she clearly think shes above everyone else and looks down on u all
SIL sounds like a bitch. I wouldn't want her near me or my DD either. can you see DB without her there or will this mean cutting him out too?
Sorry for your loss and I'm glad DD got to speak at the funeral.
Sod em !!
Life's too short to be dealing with such drama for you and your daughter.
Sorry for your loss xx
Till now I've tolerated it for dds sake as she loves her little cousin.
Gabsalot. I don't know what she thinks. She can be so charming and manipulative. It's like I'm drawn to her in a strange way and sometimes buy into the she's amazing bit.... until she gets like this. It's hard to explain.
The vicar got the people to applaud when she'd finished. It was so lovely. He's such a nice man. My stepdad was a very kind soul. Thank you for your wishes.
As brother and sil live a way away, likely I'd have to be in her presence. But I could be kind of ignore her. But not completely. Never staying at her house again (not that she wants us) and she won't be coming here.
Thank you everyone.
Yes just cut her out - life is too short to tolerate this shite.
It sounds to me like your brother chose a wife not unlike his mother and doesn't see a problem with her tricky behaviour because your mum is tricky.
I'd def avoid them. You sound like a lovely mum and daughter.
Thank you. I hadn't thought about it like that.
Sorry for your loss.
I would limit contact - don't go & stay with them, don't have them stay with you. Be civil but distant at unavoidable family gatherings, unless you actually want to stop all contact.
It's a shame about the loss of the cousins' relationship that will occur by limiting contact but it really doesn't sound worth the other drama that goes with it. You said you've never had a close relationship with your brother, and that's hardly likely to improve if you don't get on with his wife.
Thanks Jenny. Dh and I have had enough. We have had a couple of periods of NC. I thought we could get over the last time as sil sent me a letter apologising for her behaviour, that she had seen the light so to speak. But nothing really changed. Or at least not when it really matters. It's always all about her.
I don't want NC because mother will create a drama out of this. And despite my mother's attitude to me, she does love me in her own way. And she has a good relationship with dd. She's a better grandma than mother. Dd is so affectionate and warm, which has helped mother learn how to love better. And I've given clear expectations and boundaries.
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