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AIBU?

Ive phoned Womens Aid and i still dont know what to do. Can i ask for your help? Especially if you know about family law in Scotland.

26 replies

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 09:52

I am in the midst of a messy divorce from emotionally abusive h. I left the family home because his erratic and angry behaviour was too stressful. Ive now been at my parents for about a month. He wont communicate about money or make any commitment about moving out of the house. A solicitors letter i received late last night said he's going to contact me today so he can see the children. I cant allow this because i dont trust him and by allowing him to see the boys ill negate my court case. What can i say when he contacts me to avoid escalating the problem? How can i say no whilst appearing to not be unreasonable? I am very worried.

OP posts:

Report

DJBaggySmalls · 14/04/2017 10:27

Hopefully someone will come along with a better answer, but dont be afraid to phone Womens Aid again. I'd contact the solicitor and tell them to;
-Stop enabling an abusive man
-Cancel the visit, as it is not in the best interests of you or the children
-treat sorting out the divorce, family home and child support as a priority for the welfare of the children.

I'm pretty sure they cant demand a visit with less than 24 hours notice.
Best of luck

CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 10:30

I am presuming that you have a solicitor acting for you in the divorce? Phone them NOW.

Him seeing the kids shouldn't in itself affect your chances in a custody/ contact case, but if you don't want your children to have visits with him because he is abusive, then you need to protect them from that. Get off mumsnet and call your solicitor now.

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 10:30

Thank you. My solicitor is on holiday and the office is closed for Easter.

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WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 10:31

How old are the kids and do they want to see their Dad?

Are you sure it will negate the court case?

CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 10:32

Also, what do they mean 'he is going to contact you'.

How is he planning to do that? By letter? (ignore it). By turning up at your mum's door? (don't answer or be out.)
By phone? (don't answer). By text? (ignore).

He cannot force contact with you unless you let him. Can you take the kids away for the weekend somewhere?

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 10:33

I've phoned two Women's Aid groups and left three messages with one of the offices. There is no way of contacting my solicitor. The domestic abuse police officer is not answering her phone.

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CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 10:34

Yes this occurred to me as soon as I posted! (although I would expect a client to call me on my mobile if they had an urgent query like this.)

I would try not to overworry. He cannot force contact unless you let him.

As a PP said, what are the kids saying about this? How old are they?

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 10:36

They are all pre school age. My understanding from Women's Aid is that the type of abuse I've experienced is all about manipulation. And in turn he will continue to manipulate me through them. But I also know he is very angry and wouldn't trust him. I don't think he'd just turn up. And I will ignore the call if he phones.

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WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 10:38

In what way wouldn't you trust him?

Do you think he won't bring the kids back?

Do the kids want to see their Dad?

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 10:42

The kids would want to see him but he is a typical Disney Dad so they are not really aware he's not around.

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Bagel88 · 14/04/2017 10:51

I get that you don't want to see him (that's perfectly normal and fine), but not letting him see the children is IMHO wrong.

As it's not their fault, they should still see both parents
.

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 10:56

I'm okay with them seeing him but his behaviour is as such that I don't think they'd be safe with him. He's never looked after the three of them on his own before, unless at home. He's also very angry and I don't trust his driving.

Pp I understand why you say what you have. Six months ago I would have agreed.

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Doyoumind · 14/04/2017 10:59

I had a manipulative and abusive ex so I know exactly how you feel, but if you deny him access to dc without good reason he can and will use that against you. Unless there has been police involvement and he has been proven to be potentially dangerous, unfortunately the courts will grant him access to the children.

Also not sure what you mean about negating your court case. What is your court case?

CardinalCat · 14/04/2017 11:05

You poor thing. try to hold off any contact him until you can speak to your lawyer in Tuesday. It all sounds very stressful.

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 11:30

Does anyone have any advice about how to cope with this? I can't help but feel so sorry for the mess he's made of his life. It would be so much easier if I could just hate him.

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ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 11:41

The court case is to get him to leave the house.

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RubyReins · 14/04/2017 11:45

Scottish family lawyer here with a particular interest in DA. Feel free to DM me.

RubyReins · 14/04/2017 11:49

The Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is run by Scottish Women's Aid - 0800 027 1234. They are open round the clock.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 14/04/2017 11:55

I understand the panic. But you don't have to make any decisions this weekend. Simply say no, you have plans, it's too short notice and wait until you can get advice.

Just because he's contacting you today doesn't mean you have to jump at the crack of a whip from him. Although I understand the fear and panic.

ferriswheel · 14/04/2017 12:09

Thank you Ruby. I will be able to do that later.

The whole saga is one big panic. What a mess.

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peggyundercrackers · 14/04/2017 12:10

i agree with Doyoumind the court wont take into account you don't think his driving is safe, if he has no convictions for unsafe driving its all hearsay. if you go to court they will give your DH access even though you think its not the right thing to do.

I'm speaking from experience of 2 cases in Scotland I know of who went to court and the men in both cases got full access and 50% residency. courts in Scotland always aim for this or at least they do in the area I live in.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 14/04/2017 12:58

Hope you get some good advice Ferris. Take care.

NabobsFromNobHill · 14/04/2017 13:06

Its highly likely he will at least get significant access, and by not letting him see them at all it will only go against you in court. He will paint you as unreasonable for preventing the children from seeing him and it will only make him look better.

BigGrannyPants · 19/04/2017 04:53

OP have you DM-d @RubyReins that is where you are going to get the best advice

RubyReins · 19/04/2017 07:29

Yes she has but she hasn't been back in touch and I confess I am a little concerned about her. Hope you're OK OP.

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