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To be put off and not as excited anymore?

(27 Posts)
sortingmylife Thu 13-Apr-17 12:36:36

Keeping it on the down low but recently found out I'm expecting DC 2 only early on and decided with DP this time we will not tell anyone until after 1st scan when we know if everythings ok etc. (Last time we got overexcited and told everyone super early)

My parents live in the UK but my DGPs live abroad I've recently went to visit them with DS (2.6yo) as they don't get to see him much. (This will be relevant) DS fell over in the airport and the bottom of his shoes came unglued as he caught it on a sticky outy metal thing and it was the only pair I took for him as we were only going for the weekend.
So the visit went ok I saw both sides (my DMs and DFs) and everyone happy to see DS etc.

We've since come back and I've had a phone call from my DM and she told me how my DGM said that I'm messy and the room I was staying in was messy (probably true but when we were leaving I made sure it was spotless and like when we arrived) , that DS isn't eating properly and is too skinny and something about me neglecting him a bit hmm. Other DGM told my DF same that DS isn't eating properly and that he arrived in broken shoes and she had to go out and buy him some new ones.
My DM went on to say how she also thinks DS is underweight and doesn't eat properly (I see her once a week so not exactly a perfect reflection) and that we should do something with his hair as its getting in his eyes and we will damage his eyesight as she read an article online blah blah (we are growing his hair a bit longer see Zack and Codys Suite Life but more tamed)

DS is a good weight for his age according to his GP and red book, I don't force feed him and if he doesn't won't to eat I won't make him, he has breakfast, lunch (beans and cheese on toast or fruit, cheese toast yoghurt etc. )And a normal dinner when at home (with snacks in between if he wants them). He can be a bit picky if he's not had a particular food before so that's why he didn't always have a lot at dinner at my DGMs especially since he had an audience and was showing off.

I don't run to him if he falls and I can see he's not hurt himself as he just gets up and carries on as normal unless people make a fuss around him in which case he plays on it and cries.
I don't entertain his tantrums if he's crying and screaming because e.g. I wouldn't let him have scalding hot coffee or stopped him from hurting himself I let him get on with it, I'm there if he wants a cuddle but I won't try to tame him whilst he's trying to swat me away I let him come to me.
I try to make sure he doesn't just eat crap (made a few exemptions on the holiday as he sees them once a year) and again didn't entertain tantrums if he's crying because I wouldn't let him have another biscuit or another helping of sugary juice.
I generally let him get on with things I play with him if he wants me too but i also let him play on his own because I think he should be able to do that too.
I definitely don't stress too much and am quite relaxed with things. I don't make much of a fuss and DS seems calmer for it in general.
Is that neglecting him?

Re. My other DGM buying him shoes.....she drove me to the shop where I picked out and I paid for new shoes for DS so I don't even know what TF that's about confused

The whole things just put a downer on things for me and as much as I love my family they really get on my bad side sometimes. I wanted to do a nice announcement after the scan and do something a bit different to let them know they're expecting another DGC but I feel kind of deflated I mean how am I supposed to do it now that it seems like my family thinks I neglect my current DS never mind once I have another.......envy(not envy) .

DP is telling me to just smile and nod and get on with things and that I'm doing great but I'm just angry/upset (or hormonal).

UppityHumpty Thu 13-Apr-17 13:00:08

Just explain it to your mum & tell her firmly that how you raise your kids is not anyone else's business. Tbh I'd be pissed off too.

Ceto Thu 13-Apr-17 13:26:37

Contact the GM who claims she bought the shoes to ask her how come your mother seems to have the wrong end of the stick on this.

RatherBeRiding Thu 13-Apr-17 13:36:04

I'd be angry and upset too. Nothing got me more riled that someone criticising my parenting skills - you raise your children your way, and almost inevitably someone from the older generation thinks you're doing something wrong, but fortunately most parents/in-laws/grand-parents have the courtesy to bite their tongues and realise that the world has changed.

I second asking the GM who said she bought the shoes how your DM can be mistaken about that?

Your child doesn't sound remotely neglected. Your parents/GPs have probably fallen into the mistake of thinking that a normal weight child is an underweight child. Children should have their ribs visible.

As for the damaging his eyes because his hair is longish - words fail me.

Don't get defensive. Don't try to explain your parenting style. Apart from challenging the "I had to buy the poor child new shoes" bollocks I would let it drift over my head, and tell my DM that she and the GPs are welcome to their opinions but please keep them to themselves as you are not interested, thank you.

flowers congrats on new baby. Let the dust settle about and get round to telling them all when you feel like it.

sortingmylife Fri 14-Apr-17 10:18:28

Thank you everyone. It's good to be able to get a bit of reassurance.

I can't really speak to my GPs about as my mum confided in me about it with a "but don't tell them that I've told you as they didn't want me to" so it feels like I'd be stirring the pot.

I'm just going to get on with it. I remember my grandma always has some problem with something but then she'll be bragging/showing pics and stuff off to her friends at work it's just the way she's wired up I guess.
I just really need to bite my tongue as I have this image of my family stood there all shaking their heads with this sad look of concern and tutting and I'm working myself up for no reason. As long as my DCs are clothed, clean and fed they should not be butting in and I need to keep that in mind before I let it upset me next time.

MimiSunshine Fri 14-Apr-17 10:28:43

So what if your mum said not to tell? She shouldn't have gossiped if she didn't want you to know. Her passing on their mean comments and untruths was just to get at you.

Just talk to you your grandparents and say mum said you had to buy DS some shoes????
It'll teach them that no one in your family keeps confidences and hopefully to bite their tongue.

With regards to your DS weight / eating just say well unless you know better than his GP then I'm not worried

TotalPineapple Fri 14-Apr-17 10:31:09

I'd confront them all, tell them you're upset that they're talking about your parenting behind your back, especially the one spreading lies!

Alternatively, tell your 'D'M that next time someone gossips about you behind your back (because that's what it is when you talk about someone and don't want them to hear about it) she should keep it to herself if she doesn't you'll be confronting that person. Tell her to keep her own nose out while she's at it.

Or, you could send a mass email with a picture of DCs red book to reassure them all there are no weight issues.

I think it's pretty common for the older generation to pass comment on parenting (and society in general has lost sight of what size a healthy child is), but if you don't like it say something, or they'll just carry on until you dread seeing them.

And congratulations!

Mrstumbletap Fri 14-Apr-17 10:37:54

You sound like a great mummy, and nearly everything you said is exactly how I am with my son. I don't run to him when he falls and everyone comments how good he is when he trips and doesn't make a fuss, he usually just says 'whoopsie daisy' and gets up and carries on. I am so proud of him when he does this and doesn't whinge and whine, and I'm proud of me for making him like that.

My DS like to play on his own and gets as many cuddles as he wants, he eats just like your DS, and I don't pander to his tantrums either. So you sound like a really chilled mum.

Mrstumbletap Fri 14-Apr-17 10:45:27

Sorry didn't get to finish had a toddler-wasp situation.

I would just announce your second however you want to, grandparents can be old and judgemental but the rest of your family and friends will be really happy for you.

Congratulations OP!

pictish Fri 14-Apr-17 10:57:00

You sound totally on the level to me! Can't imagine their beef? Are they bored perhaps?

dowhatnow Fri 14-Apr-17 11:04:12

Let it all wash over your head. You know you are doing a great job. Older generations always think they know best.
I wouldn't bother doing a big announcement or expect great excitement. Just tell them and then enjoy the excitement with DH.

Logolphin Fri 14-Apr-17 11:06:51

Ask the GM for the money for the shoes she bought, that is the only response necessary and the only brain space you need give this! Congratulations flowers

AhYerWill Fri 14-Apr-17 11:08:57

Sounds like it's actually just your DM shit stirring. Given she told you not to query your DGMs about the stories she's told you, it's likely that she's embellished whatever they said, if not downright lied. It sounds like she has some issue with your parenting, but doesn't want to address it directly so is misquoting your family as 'evidence'.

Possibly you parent very differently from her so she's taking it as some sort of criticism of her parenting of you, but isn't emotionally capable of voicing that so goes all passive aggressive and blames others for her opinions.

Either way sounds like you're doing just fine.

ILookedintheWater Fri 14-Apr-17 11:09:53

Don't contact them. It isn't about them...elderly people are used to having things a certain way and like to have a compare and contrast.... I would wonder about your Mum's motivation here though: is she jealous that you had a nice visit? Is she unpleasant in other ways? Is she usually one to twist conversations to see the negative view?

AntiGrinch Fri 14-Apr-17 11:18:37

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
don't, above all, let this crapness put a downer on it for you.

Some people just love to pick, it's how they are. It's up to you whether you stand up to it or rise above it - you know best which will leave you in better shape. But whichever, please don't let this taint your excitement about the new baby. It is nothing to do with them.

SapphireStrange Fri 14-Apr-17 11:19:54

my mum confided in me about it with a "but don't tell them that I've told you as they didn't want me to" so it feels like I'd be stirring the pot.

No, SHE'S the one who's been stirring.

I wouldn't contact the GPs but if it comes up again when you do see them, I'd cut it off firmly with 'My parenting isn't your business.' If the shoe thing specifically comes up, just say 'That isn't true.'

I'd say the same to your mum. Your son sounds gorgeous and you sound like an excellent parent. Fuck em!

EweAreHere Fri 14-Apr-17 11:26:32

I can't really speak to my GPs about as my mum confided in me about it with a "but don't tell them that I've told you as they didn't want me to" so it feels like I'd be stirring the pot.

hahahahaha Of course your GP didn't want your mum to mention it to you, because GP was pot stirring. GP knew fine well that they didn't buy the shoes; you did. For some reason, they want your mum to think otherwise.

They all sound judgmental, interfering and annoying.

I'd refuse to discuss when they start in on you on any of these things.

MuncheysMummy Fri 14-Apr-17 11:34:59

If you say nothing you are enabling them to bitch and gossip about you behind your back it's particularity unkind of your mum to join in with this and then tell you about what they said! Two faced much ?!
You need to phone them and tell them how much they've hurt you and how unkind and untrue what they've said is and that you won't be visiting them again after last time. Don't let them continue to discuss you behind your back or it will become a pattern of critiquing your parenting for the future

OhhBetty Fri 14-Apr-17 11:39:28

None of them sound nice! I wouldn’t bother announcing the pregnancy. I'd just wait til I was obviously pregnant and they asked grin

MikeUniformMike Fri 14-Apr-17 11:39:36

Your mother should not have told you this. Ignore it. You sound like you are doing fine. Congratulations and best wishes.

yoohooitsme Fri 14-Apr-17 11:44:10

Send them the full text of your post, it shows you are entirely capable and considered in your parenting, where as they we gossiping behind your back and seemingly need something productive to do with their time.
Or
have a long involved conversation with DM - who can then gossip back to them like she did to you - lay this on thick
Suggest some things you think might help them re their weight, general behaviour (how to be a good grandparent webpage for example), nutrition for older people, worry for them that their rugs could be a trip hazard and DGF slippers looked very old and manky perhaps DM should send him some new ones, is she taking enough care of her parents, does she make sure they are well because you are worried she is not taking enough care of them etc. say how worried you are the they are not getting enough calcium/sun to keep their bones healthy eat so much sugar it is a diabetes risk .... Talk at length about some memory exercises recommended for older people because DGM seems to have forgotten you explained what happened to the shoes and she was more than happy to treat DS to a new pair at the time, she has also forgotten you cleaned the room and left it as you found it, perhaps she needs to see the doctor about her memory.
Perhaps explain some anti anxiety techniques for DGP to try to keep their anxiety under control (DM responsibility to help them with these) as they are clearly imagining all sorts when it is plain for all to see that DS is THRIVING, it can't be nice for them so be sooooo worried about things all the time......Oh don't forget to say that DGP are worried about DM's x,y,z and maybe she should do something about it ..... finish off with letting her know you will be sending a nice parcel of something to keep DM busy and off the phone so that she does not suffer from their unsubstantiated worrying in future - oh and send her that school photo of yours/your sibling where you/they had the dodgy haircut that she insisted on and explain that it has not scarred you/them for life and you forgive her.
Lay it on think mind until she GETS your point.

Then move on with your life, you are doing fine, they have too much time on their hands grin.
Congrats on DC2 x

Whereismumhiding2 Fri 14-Apr-17 11:45:49

I agree with all.the PP on here. Especially mimisunshine

Shocking to criticise your parenting, you are not neglecting your son.

I'd want to be brave and comment back...
"I'm very shocked you thought it OK to criticise our parenting of our son, especially when the things you mentioned aren't accurate at all or have been misrepresented. "

With regards to your DS weight / eating just say well unless you know better than his GP then I'm not worried

Just this.

Don't let it take shine off your wonderful news! star

But I'd wait a bit before i told them smile until you feel less cross. Or it'll come out through gritted teeth! Go ahead & tell your friends tho' grin

I told my parents when i was 20 weeks for DD2, as I'd had late miscarriages. You choose the time to tell.

Whereismumhiding2 Fri 14-Apr-17 11:50:06

yoohooitsme gringringrin

You are my hero!

sortingmylife Sat 15-Apr-17 10:59:21

Thank you everyone again I didn't expect so many replies!

I know my own faults and I know I'm not perfect but I know I'm not as bad as its been made out.
There were 2 DGMs involved in this just to clear this one up!
The thing is I don't hold it as much against them as I see them once a year and I know a few times DS was a bit fussy with dinner etc probably partially not being used to the food - as I said DGPs live abroad (he also had lots of snacks from them in between meals) but when they cooked his favourite soup he'd have tons of it.
I think what my grandma didn't understand is when she made him some food in the morning and he wasn't having it she told me to make him it at least something as she was concerned he'd go hungry, I tried to give him a spoonful and he didn't want anything so I said "well I'm not going to force feed him, if he doesn't want to eat he doesn't, if he does he'll help himself to it".

But I am annoyed with my mum she's got a little knack for making things a bit negative or dramatic she told me that her DM (my GM) told her that she didn't teach me properly as I didn't even keep my room clean (again I don't know if she did say that or if it's a bit exaggerated by DM). And my DM proceeded to tell me it was 'like getting a slap in the face' I was on the other line on the phone like hmm

dowhatnow Sat 15-Apr-17 11:09:18

You don't need other people's validation of you to know that you are doing a good job. Your ds is his own person, just like you are. Why on earth should your DM feel like she was slapped in the face because she's failed in teaching you to keep your room tidy? Madness and should be laughed at, rather than worried about.

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