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More of a wwyd

(23 Posts)
Hardyloveit Thu 13-Apr-17 09:37:23

Bit of a back story:

Dd1 is in reception and has a best friend who is a boy.
They are very close and go to a small school.
Dd goes to his house after school and he comes to ours - probably once every few weeks they have a play date.
I also meet up with his mum for lunches and coffees etc.

His mum said something odd to me a few weeks ago that I didn't really understand until last week......
As I was picking her up after a play date my dd said she had just fell and hurt her privates, I asked why she was calling it that (she called it a different name to what we normally call it) and she said because boy calls it that!
His mum then said "I get worried about them playing doctors you know" I sort of laughed and went what they are 4/5?

Fast forward to last week

Dd hurt herself there again and called it the name that the boy did and I said why do u keep calling it that? I said why are you even talking about that area with him? She then said (as we are playing bean bag throwing) oh because when I went to his house the other week he asked to play doctors and let's check your private area.....

I didn't instigate any questions and just said oh really, what happened? She then said he laid me down on the bed and got his torch..... I then said he couldn't have because you had your knickers on. She said he took them on and had a look with his torch! I asked if how many times this happened and she said once but he asked to do it last week again but she said no! (We have spoken about not letting people touch etc since)

Now the mums comment is making sense and I've known her a while and she would have def known about this! The boy can also not be very nice biting pinching slapping etc however he hasn't done this in a few weeks.

Sorry this is a bit long....... Wwyd? I don't know whether to speak to the mum and ask her? Am I making it into a bigger deal in my head than it is? Dh isn't pleased at all! A friends in rl has said its just curious behaviour and innocent.

(The teacher is aware the boy can be horrible and tries to keep them separate.)

pipsqueak25 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:41:36

i would be questioning this and mentioning it to the mother,at least, why do you let dd play there when something is clearly going on ?
curiousity is one thing but this doesn't sound right.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Thu 13-Apr-17 09:42:16

I'd ask the mum about it.
As a separate issue, if he's horrible to her so much so that the teacher at school is having to separate them, why is she still going regularly to his house?

notanurse2017 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:43:17

This is a hard one. I'm surprised you didn't ask the other mum at the time what she meant by her remark. I would certainly ask her now - how does she know about the kids playing doctors and nurses? There is also the issue of the boy hurting your dd - what happens when he does that? How does dd cope with it?

I'm sure you will get more advice from other posters but I do think your dd's friendship needs examining at the very least to make sure it is a healthy fun relationship for her.

pipsqueak25 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:43:55

knee jerk would have me speaking to child protection at school too about this boys behaviour, he is possibly being abused.

AnneBiscuit Thu 13-Apr-17 09:45:39

I'm a bit confused. Is it the same boy who's house she goes to that the teacher tries to keep separate?

The boy can also not be very nice biting pinching slapping etc. This would be enough to stop your DD going to his house never mind anything else.

Giraffe31 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:49:52

I don't get why your DD is going for playdates at the boys house if the teacher feels that they need to be separated at school?

Nanny0gg Thu 13-Apr-17 09:51:39

Why is the teacher trying to separate them and you are encouraging them?

You need to foster other friendships for your dd.

FairytalesAreBullshit Thu 13-Apr-17 10:02:12

DD has a similar friendship where they love to hate each other. DS when he was little, I think year 6, said Mummy look at this, then pulled his foreskin back with a lot of questions. I was like woah, why you doing that, a boy in his school was going to the loo with him so showed him and DS tried it. I wasn't happy with what was going on, DH made like I was over reacting.

In the end I wasn't sure if I'd given the right advise, as in I thought you're getting old, if you're a boy do you need to wash it, so checked with DH who was horrified and made sure DS didn't go into the toilets with this boy.

With DD & her friend, they're separated at school, they'll mess about, argue, be the best of friends the 5 seconds later hate each other. I would say from a play date point of view the Mum isn't really adequately supervising them if this happens. Part of me is like oh it's curiosity and innocence, the other half fears how far is he going to take it.

DS was nearly 7 when DD was born, he noticed her bits were different and had questions, but he seemed sated by what he was told.

I was 6 or 7, locally this older kid had promised me his gaming console, money, all sorts, if I'd go behind the garages and show him my bits. I thought I'd really like money and whatever. I pulled my knickers down, the boy who was maybe 13 was like open it up, I didn't know what he meant, so he told me what to do. Obviously he knew it was wrong and I was never going to get this stuff, if I said anything I was told I'd be in a lot of trouble so never did. Now I know that a kid of 13 shouldn't be asking a 6/7 year old to do that. Unfortunately the kid had told his mates who were peaking through a fence, one threatened to tell, I don't think they did as I never got spoke to about it. I knew no better, but the older child did. I felt really dirty and really scared.

I would say to protect your daughter, you need to tell the Mum what's happened, say ok at their age it's innocent, but part of you worries what if it goes too far. What then? So play dates should mean they're always in view of an adult, but with their friendship as it is, what's going on at school, you wonder if they both enjoy time together, when at school you'd think they couldn't abide one another.

See what the Mums response is, she should be on the same page as you, as in ok you know children are curious, but they're not aware of boundaries let's say, Lena Dunham mentioned how she'd coerce her sister into doing stuff. The internet was split over whether this was abuse.

If the Mum plays it down, cancel the play dates. If she mentions any contact again, then involve school.

FairytalesAreBullshit Thu 13-Apr-17 10:03:51

BTW to me the Lena Dunham thing was abuse. She knows it, many others do. Brace thing to admit maybe, but quite weird at the same time, as in my eyes her sister was a victim.

Something about pebbles in her sisters vagina, can't remember the full story.

SleepFreeZone Thu 13-Apr-17 10:06:50

I can remember being interested in boys privates when I was that age and whilst I wouldn't have got a torch I could imagine me trying to get a look given the opportunity! So I don't think I'd be flying off to social services but I would definitely be talking to the mother and trying to work out the best plan of action between you.

Minniemagoo Thu 13-Apr-17 10:07:46

Firstly, no more playdates, obviously they need to be better supervised.
Secondly, talk to your DD about the NSPCC 'pants' rule.
Thirdly, I find it troubling that a child that age has such an interest in private areas. I know my kids loved doctors/vets games but none encompassed the private area, esp with a torch. The torch bit seems strange to me. This kid has been exposed to something. I would report it. Perhaps to the school.

Batgirlspants Thu 13-Apr-17 10:11:15

I would stop the play dates all together op and tell the mum why as she seemed concerned too.

Encourage your dd to make lots of friends and just keep this lad as a school friend not a home friend.

Tell your dd it's ok to say no and that no one should be taking off her pants unless she is with you and there's a medical reason.

Some Kids do the 'show me yours' but the torch is wierd.

Ameliablue Thu 13-Apr-17 10:11:47

It's probably just curiosity but i would avoid play dates there for a while and keep a closer eye if they have play dates at yours.

Chloe84 Thu 13-Apr-17 10:15:44

So DD has come back from play dates twice saying she has hurt her privates?

That's absolutely not normal and you are not overreacting. Time to stop the play dates. Don't the chance with your daughter's safety, even if it means the friendship falls away.

Hardyloveit Thu 13-Apr-17 10:18:14

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify sorry should have stated I'm normally there for all play dates but this particular day I had a hospital app for my youngest.

I did curb the friendship when he was horrible and he got the message but it is a love hate friendship they are best friends then not etc.

He isn't horrible to her at mine as I'm always with them and if he ever was I would tell him no and take him home.

I though the mum would supervise them tbh the bedroom is next door to lounge.

I have done the whole talk with her that's why she said no a second time.

I didn't question her remark about doctors before as they have played it at ours on the sofa with hurt elbows and hurt fingers and ears etc ........normal pretend hurt things?

I think il speak to her about it face to face though.........

pipsqueak25 Thu 13-Apr-17 11:19:02

got to be said none of what op has said sits comfortably with me at all, i'd be breaking up this 'friendship' double quick, it is totally off.

Hardyloveit Thu 13-Apr-17 11:34:23

I have told my dd once they go back he isn't coming round anymore etc and she does have other friends and I will tell the te her to please keep them apart but there is less than 16 in their class.
I spoke to dd again n the mum def knows as she said that's y we aren't allowed to play doctors any more

Please don't think I've ever let him hurt my daughter I went straight in there and it stopped etc

I am over protective I know that but I have good reasons

Batgirlspants Thu 13-Apr-17 12:17:41

Not over protective at all I would do exactly the same and guessing most posters would too.

pipsqueak25 Thu 13-Apr-17 12:23:58

def not over protective at all, you are looking after your child, possibly preventing problems in the future, i know from experience as do many others on mn the long term damage abuse and that's what it is, can do to a person.

UppityHumpty Thu 13-Apr-17 12:33:56

Stop the visits. Full stop. I wouldn't want my dc to go anywhere that house - the boy is hurting the girl's privates, his mum knows & isn't doing anything about it. Red flags.

FairytalesAreBullshit Fri 14-Apr-17 06:02:59

Hardy - none of this is your fault, a grown adult was there, you had no reason to doubt what was going on, it's obviously a big shock to you. Especially with it looking like there's a backstory you don't want to share, which is totally fine.

I don't think anyone thinks you allowed this in anyway. You're taking the correct measures, hopefully it doesn't impact DD long term.

flowers for you bear for DD cake for both of you

Please please don't beat yourself up about it.

Wallywobbles Fri 14-Apr-17 06:26:44

We did this as kids. Definitely some lines and boundaries got overstepped although my memories are very fuzzy.

We pretty much don't let other people's kids up to the bedrooms. And I think it's wise really. When things go pair shaped 99% of the time it's because they are out of ear shot and eye sight

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