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What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

(427 Posts)
ninenicknames Thu 13-Apr-17 09:05:35


I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

neonrainbow Thu 13-Apr-17 09:06:44

I expect you're going to get ripped apart.

ninenicknames Thu 13-Apr-17 09:07:38

Yes I thought that

PoliticalBiscuit Thu 13-Apr-17 09:08:01

I would absolutely ask for more money.

WaitrosePigeon Thu 13-Apr-17 09:08:49

I understand why you are so angry. I think I would be too.

TheBakeryQueen Thu 13-Apr-17 09:09:59

The option isn't limited to take him to court or carry on as you are!

You should ask him for an appropriate amount of child maintenance though!

TheSnowFairy Thu 13-Apr-17 09:10:20

'So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice'


Not especially nice to his wife, were you?

00psaDaisy Thu 13-Apr-17 09:10:29

If no one got hurt then why is he being torn apart? One of you is lying

BeautyQueenFromMars Thu 13-Apr-17 09:11:17

Not unreasonable at all. If he didn't want to father a child outside of his marriage, he shouldn't have had sex with someone who wasn't his wife. Stop letting him off the hook.

TheBakeryQueen Thu 13-Apr-17 09:11:29

And no harm in pointing out that actually you're the one doing the hard work of raising your child alone. Doesn't have to get aggressive but he needs to know the reality.

CotswoldStrife Thu 13-Apr-17 09:11:53

Have you asked him to stop sending moaning texts?

MollyHuaCha Thu 13-Apr-17 09:12:14

I think the child's father should pay through the official means. It's probably good to keep on friendly, not hostile terms with him. Please nobody 'rip' OP apart. She's asking for advice not judgement.

Wando1986 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:12:17

He's an arse and feeling like he's missing out now your child is past the baby stage. I would take him to court for the minimum he should pay if he didn't already offer it, but you would likely have to enable regular contact. How would your child react to that? Only you, if anyone, would know.

Anyone who blathers on about you being evil incarnate or a homewrecker etc (probably coming next on this thread) needs to give their head a wobble. People make shitty decisions, you just suck it up and get on with it. I'm not one for thinking an affair is the ultimate betrayal.

mrstomriddle Thu 13-Apr-17 09:12:41

You are not unreasonable to ask for more money.

However - you say no one got hurt. I would add a "yet". Can you imagine the fall out when his wife and family find out?

You shouldn't have slept with a married man but he holds the responsibility too.

StorminaBcup Thu 13-Apr-17 09:13:08

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world?

Yes. Unless you think the trade off of more money / infinite stress is worth it for you and your dc.

DonaldStott Thu 13-Apr-17 09:13:23

Yes you made a mistake, but you are entitled to monet from him for your dc. From his messages I assume he is wanting to stop the payments.

I would go through CSA, follow the correct channels.

Theworldisfullofidiots Thu 13-Apr-17 09:13:41

Ask him for more money. Yes you had an affair and so did he. You both take responsibility which includes responsibility for your shared child.
BTW I'm a great believer in not throwing stones...

KC225 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:14:13

Why does he want to meet up? Does he want to resume the affair? See his child?

LoveDeathPrizes Thu 13-Apr-17 09:14:21

Snowfairy See your point but she has his child, hasn't told his wife and doesn't exploit for cash. No he'd past actions weren't nice but in the circumstances, she does appear to have minimised damage. Although I can't help but feel this will be very messy when it does come out. And it will.

Crazy8 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:14:30

Regardless of the circumstances, he is as responsible for your child as you are. I think you should ask for more money. Is he asking to meet as he believes you may rekindle your relationship. Don't - that's where you would be wrong.

ToastyFingers Thu 13-Apr-17 09:14:32

I'd ask for more money, just because the pair of you set no store by fidelity, doesn't mean your son should suffer.

I assume that by saying 'no-one got hurt', what you mean is that no-one would be hurt found out.

ToastyFingers Thu 13-Apr-17 09:15:19

No-one WHO would be hurt, I mean.

alteredimages Thu 13-Apr-17 09:15:22

It doesn't necessarily mean taking action through the courts, but I would seek to ensure that your DC is provided for financially through appropriate child maintenance and equal treatment with his other DCs in terms of inheritance and education etc.

Your DC is not responsible for the circumstances of his/her conception.

Underthemoonlight Thu 13-Apr-17 09:16:02

No one is going to get hurt yet... There is the potential for his wife and other dcs to get get hurt in this mess if it's ever does come out about an affair that's one thing but a child a product of the affair is another and can be damaging to the first family. Yes you were extremely silly to put yourself in the situation with a married man atleast you own it and your doing your best by your child but you knew he was married so he was never going to leave her and be her family so he was never going to be a parent to him in the way you are. I wouldn't bother replying to his emails TBH and continue the way you are.

LookAtTheFlowersKerry Thu 13-Apr-17 09:16:14

Go to the CMS.

Playing nice doesn't put food on the table.

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