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To feel hurt by this?

(79 Posts)
thatmakesmehappy Thu 13-Apr-17 00:10:51

DS just turned 1, and DH has been mardy for a few weeks, but had put it down to work stress. I finally managed to get a moment with him to ask him what was going on and after a lot of cryptic answers, he finally said that he was pissed off that I hadn't lost my baby weight yet, and that my 'lack of effort' had made him lose interest in our relationship.

During pregnancy I put on around 3 stone, which is a lot, but due to an emergency C section and PND I couldn't motivate myself to exercise other than walking (which I do a fair amount of). I've not put on any more weight, but I haven't lost any either and my lack of confidence in my appearance has made me put off exercise even more.

I get that it's hard for some new dads to adjust to the role, and he does work full time, but I literally do everything for my DS, and when I say everything it's no exaggeration. He's never even given DS a bath and that's not from my lack of encouragement, I'd be more than happy if he did! By he end of a day the last thing I want to do is go to the gym or do a fitness class. When I say this to him he takes it as an attack and we fall out more. I just can't win.

So my question is, AIBU to feel hurt that he wants to criticise me and my lack of motivation to lose weight, when he isn't prepared to lift a finger to enable me to do so?

chastenedButStillSmiling Thu 13-Apr-17 00:13:14

Sounds like two different going on arguments to me.

But your DH sounds like a dick.

I find it v v sad when parents don't get involved with their kids.

FunkyChunkyCherub Thu 13-Apr-17 00:14:59

YANBU! Being a mum is bloody hard and it's a full-time job! So what if you haven't had a spare minute and thought seriously about losing the baby weight - it'll come off in time and as a husband he should love, support and appreciate you for all the work you do with your DS!

Tell him you'll start making time to exercise (if and when you feel ready and want to!) BUT only if he looks after your child and is prepared to spend time bonding. Until then he sounds like a bit of a twat OP! X

DonaldStott Thu 13-Apr-17 00:20:05

Yanbu. You have bigger priorities than losing you baby belly.

You know, the weight you put on bearing HIS child.

Cheeky motherfucker.

I am agog. Seriously.

How many kids do you have? Your baby and a manchild?

How DARE he say you're not putting the effort in!!!!

You have been using all your effort into rearing a child.

Omg I am angry on your behalf.

thatmakesmehappy Thu 13-Apr-17 00:20:39

Thank you! I wanted to make sure that I wasn't being overly sensitive and seeing things as being one sided. Obviously, there are two sides to every story but when he constantly says 'you have it easy, you're at home all day' and 'you can't be tired all you do is play with DS', I just feel completely deflated and unappreciated, but I suppose like PP says, that's a separate point to the weight issue.

WorraLiberty Thu 13-Apr-17 00:23:36

It's totally a separate point to the weight issue imo

I just can't understand why grown adults decide to have newborn babies, and think they can carry on life as before.

He needs to step up to the plate massively, especially for the first few months.

ClemDanfango Thu 13-Apr-17 00:27:40

Yuck he sounds awful, why did he get you pregnant if he didn't want to be a parent because parents actually do all the stuff you do for your child not just mum's. He's shirking his responsibilities as a dad and being totally disrespectful to you about your weight.
Why are you with him? He sounds like a complete dickhead.

EllenRipley Thu 13-Apr-17 00:29:34

Be sure to make it very clear that you're even more disappointed by his lack of effort in supporting you and being an involved parent - and that how much you currently weigh is the absolute least of his problems if he doesn't change his attitude. I'm sorry he's made you feel this way OP, don't stand for it! X

Moanyoldcow Thu 13-Apr-17 00:32:06

He sounds awful, OP. I'm really overweight and have put on a lot since being with my husband. He's no idiot and he's not blind so he can see it but he talks about it in terms of worrying about my health and how it affects ME and not him. He still tells me he thinks I look nice, sexy etc. still wants to have sex with me and would never make an unkind remark. Your partner's comments are mean and I'd be very upset by them if I were you.

He sounds lazy and uncaring. Leave him with the baby for a week and see how he manages.

What a dick.

thatmakesmehappy Thu 13-Apr-17 00:34:10

Thank you posters!

The funny thing is, that he was the one desperate to have kids, and I took a lot of convincing! Now look at us! confused

I do love my husband, but recently I'm finding I don't like him all that much!

thatmakesmehappy Thu 13-Apr-17 00:36:08

Omg Moany I dread to think what state I'd come home to if I left him for a week! He admitted the other day that he doesn't know what I give DS for dinner, even though we all sit and eat together!

Insomnibrat Thu 13-Apr-17 00:39:02

I just want to say that his comments are unhelpful, hurtful and actually likely to send you the other way.

You ravaged your body to give him a child and now he wants his 'fun toy' back. Bullshit. I'd be so hurt.

ExplodedCloud Thu 13-Apr-17 00:40:29

So if it's easy to be at home with a baby, presumably he would be fine with doing a full day at the weekend? You can lie in, pop to the gym, have a nap etc? It's just one easy day for him surely?

Rainbunny Thu 13-Apr-17 00:48:02

Seriously OP, take off for a week (or even a few days) - leave a long list of everything that has to be done that you normally take care of and see how easy your DH finds it!

I heard this book is good - I don't have kids yet but I can imagine the rage of a new mother whose partner is gloriously ignorant about what it takes...

"How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids" by Jancee Dunn

thatmakesmehappy Thu 13-Apr-17 00:53:14

Thank you Rainbunny I'll check it out!
I'm glad that everyone seems to agree! I've spent the last 2 hours in tears (ridiculous I know, but I already feel horrid about myself) while husband is snoring his head off next to me! sad
I think you're all right! I need a weekend away to somewhere nice and see how he feels then!

TheRealPooTroll Thu 13-Apr-17 00:53:26

Tell him that his horrible attitude and lack of parenting has made you lose interest and leave.
I realise you aren't going to do that because you love him but what exactly is he offering at the moment? Moodiness, insults and no use as a parent.

chastenedButStillSmiling Thu 13-Apr-17 00:57:10

A weekend would be a big deal for you.

But why not sign up for an exercise class? You'll be out the house for an hour (probably 2.... an hour to do the class and getting to and from it). DH can't complain (because you're getting your body back) and how hard can it be for him to spend an hour playing with his baby.......

And it's something for yourself.

Win/win/win!!!!

seven201 Thu 13-Apr-17 00:58:52

Urgh, he sounds vile. You definitely need to leave the baby with dh more often and build up to a weekend so he can see how bloody hard it is.

thatmakesmehappy Thu 13-Apr-17 01:01:02

Chastened, yes, come to think of it, I think it would be! I'd be panicking the whole time about whether he was ignoring DS or that he didn't know the routine etc.

Maybe I'll pick something on a Saturday morning, go for coffee after and see how he gets on?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 13-Apr-17 01:13:26

So it's easy and effortless, but he is completely incapable of doing it? Arsehole.

ChasedByBees Thu 13-Apr-17 01:19:13

What MrsTP said. He's so disrespectful.

Lynnm63 Thu 13-Apr-17 01:39:29

Make sure you go out for the day the next time he's home. Even if it's just a walk round the shops and to a local cafe for lunch. When he can't cope scathingly say you've only had to play with ds, surely you didn't find it difficult?

FeralBeryl Thu 13-Apr-17 01:53:53

Oh sweetheart don't cry flowers
He's being a fucking tosser, when the baby is 4 and you're still using 'baby weight' looks at self then he may have a point that it's not that.
But a year post section with a dose of PND-pffft, you're doing well to be functioning relatively normally. It's like being hit in the face with a pan. Every day.

I absolutely implore you to think about the most chaotic point in your day, then Go Out.

He is incapable of being told/noticing how dreadful it can be, so show him. Tell him you're off swimming/walking/exercising. Then go and read a book with a coffee in the park, go and buy yourself something, do anything but be present in your house. The baby will be absolutely fine.
Under no circumstances are you to help or leave instructions.
It is really important he gets a snapshot in order to realise how ridiculous his comments are.

Fwiw, I put on an immense amount of weight with all of mine, DH never made me feel anything less than perfect. It was only once I expressed a wish to do something about my weight that he engaged with helping me-for me.
But - he was certainly guilty of thinking it's a ball on mat leave. I couldn't wait to get back to work for a rest personally wink

citychick Thu 13-Apr-17 01:55:55

Ok...so how can you fix this?
DC is still very young so you can turn this around.

Agree about finding a class you can join and stick to without your OH getting you to cancel ...maybe block book an 8 week course so you HAVE to go.

Do you have a gym you can join? Private or local authority owned? Our LA sports complex had a crèche that mums could use while they went to a class...that way you can do that during the day (too!).

When my DC was born ( he's preteen now) I handed over the Saturday and Sunday bath time to DH. It was their time and they both loved it. Even if he didn't really need a bath, they had that time together.

I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself and delegate more!
Spend the weekend showing him how you look after your DC. If he doesn't know what you feed him...have you ever shown him? I used to write out lists of what to do and when.

Before you give up on him completely, you need to be his teacher and get him back on track. Annoying, but worth a try?

BTW - it took me two years to shift my pregnancy weight gain.

Good luck.

ScarlettFreestone Thu 13-Apr-17 02:16:44

There is nothing attractive about a man who can't take care of his own child.

My DH worked full time, long hours when our twins were babies and I was a SAHM.

The only thing he couldn't do was breastfeed them. He was fully competent to do everything else.

You need to get him to bath/change/dress/feed your child. It's important for their bonding.

And yes, I'd work up to leaving him on his own for the day.

Leave food etc prepped if you must but he needs to understand your job.

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