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To feel hurt when people imply that IVF babies are loved more than naturally conceived children

(90 Posts)
Monkeyface45 Wed 12-Apr-17 21:19:56

Someone on my Facebook has just made reference to a moment on tonight's one born every minute , basically posting that IVF babies are more wanted and loved that naturally conceived babies. I actually find this quite hurtful. I empathise with people who are struggling to conceive, I really do. However just because my babies were conceived without scientific intervention doesn't mean they are any less loved or wanted than those people needing help. ALL children are loved x

SquinkiesRule Wed 12-Apr-17 21:21:32


BakerBear Wed 12-Apr-17 21:24:15

My children were conceived naturally and i dont find the term offensive but i think people dont express what they mean very well when they say it.

I believe they mean that the child is a very much wanted baby and they have really gone through the mill to get this child so therefore they really really appreciate having the child.

That doesnt mean that naturally concieved children arent appreciated but i do feel that people dont realise how easy it was to get pregnant and carry a child.

TFPsa Wed 12-Apr-17 21:25:23

You kind of are being a little unreasonable.

I don't really agree at all with those sentiments about ivf kids, but if someone wants to believe those things it's certainly their prerogative.

TheStoic Wed 12-Apr-17 21:27:13

Everybody knows that's not true, even the people saying it. Don't let it bother you.

CoteDAzur Wed 12-Apr-17 21:27:21

You feel hurt? Seriously, HURT? hmm


FABpMummy Wed 12-Apr-17 21:27:28

Er, well not all children are loved. They should be, but they aren't.

I suppose ivf parents have tried harder/suffered longer for their children. Doesn't mean they love them more than naturally conceived children. I don't know what correlation there is between doubting having children and accidental conception.

I do feel bad that a couple I work with who went through ivf are having a tough time post baby and she has pnd. I feel like they've had enough shit already, although I wouldn't wish pnd on anyone.

SolomanDaisy Wed 12-Apr-17 21:27:39

Why would you find it hurtful? What difference does it make to you? Of course all babies are loved, people are just trying to express that there is something different about babies conceived after infertility. More loved isn't quite the right way to put it, it's something like increased appreciation of what a miracle a baby is.

Schmoozer Wed 12-Apr-17 21:27:41

Don't be offended, it's just that ivf babies are fought for, paid for, (thousands of pounds) sacrificed for, even before conception,
Obviously they are not more loved, just maybe more sheer appreciation that conception occurred at all, and it may all be a once in a lifetime experience, if at all.

HopefulHamster Wed 12-Apr-17 21:29:19

Why are you offended? You know it's not true so why does it hurt you?

The people with ivf babies love them the same as you, but you are not hurt in any way by a few people making false assumptions. The people who have ivf also have to put up with assumptions that aren't necessarily great to hear aaaand they've had a hard medical struggle.

I just don't think it's worth whining about

Andcake Wed 12-Apr-17 21:29:51

Agree all children are loved I spent many years trying to conceive and finally got v v lucky.
I am not sure non Ivf are less loved but sometimes i feel like I am a bit more over protective and cautious. if anything happens to dc that's it! It's terrifying the best thing that ever has happened to me would be over. I also feel I can't moan about any child issues as I would feel so ungrateful compared to the many women I know and have met who never got lucky.

Flip side I find the pfb stuff on here really difficult as I will only have the one ( believe me we've tried) it's hurtful as it pokes fun at parents who have invested vast amounts of time and energy ( and money) to create just one child and treasure them out of fear and reminds me their will never be another. Oh how I wish for a 2nd to be more relaxed with 🙁

Chavelita Wed 12-Apr-17 21:30:00

It's a dopey thing to say. Has anyone really worked out a graph with a correlation between axis A (difficulty and expense of conception) and axis B (amount of love felt for resulting child)?

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander Wed 12-Apr-17 21:31:48

It's a pretty dumb and thoughtless thing to say, but YABU to be hurt about it. If they were to say (for example) that naturally conceived children are routinely abused and neglected because their parents didn't make any effort to have them then you'd be within your rights to get hurt and offended.

KC225 Wed 12-Apr-17 21:32:07

I have IVF twins. I don't consider my two more loved than any other children. That is nuts

PurpleDaisies Wed 12-Apr-17 21:32:13

People celebrate more when others achieve something after hardship. It isn't that the children are more "precious", just that the pregnancy was so much more difficult to achieve and people might want to recognise that.

FourToTheFloor Wed 12-Apr-17 21:32:29

I have a friend who had twins through ivf. She felt as though she had to be thankful for all the shit bits, exhaustion and just general FML moments because she had waited so long and gone through so much.

There's just so much more to ivf than those comments. It would be nice if you could have a bit of empathy.

Amummyatlast Wed 12-Apr-17 21:33:04

Image that you are told that you can never eat chocolate. You see lots of other people eating chocolate. Those people can choose to eat chocolate whenever they want (subject to being able to pay for it). You want chocolate more than anything. Then one day you find out that, through some miracle, you are able to eat some chocolate. It is the best thing ever. For you, it has an extra specialness.

Not a perfect analogy, but still. People who say they love/want their children more because of IVF/infertility aren't (to my mind) saying that they love their child more. They are just, in an imperfect way, trying to get across what it's like not to be able to have a child, and then suddenly finding you can have one. You appreciate your good fortune more than others might.

BlueFolly Wed 12-Apr-17 21:34:22

Andcake the rest of us aren't wandering around thinking 'Doesn't matter if anything happens to DD, I can always have another.'

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 12-Apr-17 21:34:36

Why does it "hurt" you OP?confused

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Wed 12-Apr-17 21:34:40

I think yabu.

It is badly expressed. Most children are lived beyond comparison no matter how they were conceived or how long that conception took. However ivf means you have to actively pursue wanting a child. You have to emotionally and physically put yourself through hell.

Having seen others go thorough it and having fertility problems myself it is not a step I could have taken (to pursue a second at least)

A badly expressed sentiment does not take away from that hardship.

Instasista Wed 12-Apr-17 21:34:43

My children were conceived naturally but tbh I understand the feeling that IVF babies are more loved. A close friend has just had her first ivf round, and ivf loss. They started trying the same time we started for our youngest, 4 years ago. I can't quite imagine how I would feel to lose a baby if waited 4 years for but the honest truth is I imagine it to be worse than the loss of a baby we waited 6 months for (which we did experience, incidentally)

GetInTheFuckingSea Wed 12-Apr-17 21:36:13

I can appreciate the sentiment, despite not having been in that position. Having a baby is an amazing experience. But having a baby when you never thought you would and went through invasive, unpleasant and eye wateringly expensive procedures to get that baby - I would imagine that it brings yet another level of amazing into the mix.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Wed 12-Apr-17 21:37:12

I have 2 kids by IVF and I agree. I was always quite shocked by the remark to be honest.

One midwife even said to me " we're going to take excellent care of you. All babies are precious but some are more precious than others. "

GetInTheFuckingSea Wed 12-Apr-17 21:37:24

Sorry if that comes across as insensitive btw - just realised it sounds like I'm trying to speak for people, which is not my intention at all.

MrsSifB Wed 12-Apr-17 21:37:47

I agree with above, not necessarily more loved but I think if you go through ivf you are just so appreciative and grateful. My dd was conceived through ivf and we have tried for a second but the treatment failed. I have several friends on Facebook with newborn second children constantly updating and complaining about how they are so tired and fed up of 4am feeds etc and all I think is how lovely it would be to get the chance to have a 4am cuddle and feed!

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