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AIBU?

To not invite in unknown child

81 replies

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 09:34

Yesterday meeting a friend who's moved about 40min drive away. When she comes we often go to the park etc but have lunch at mine first, not always but mostly it's convenient after the drive.

I text 'meet park just after lunch?', she'd be in area earlier for shopping she said from 10. But then she said her son was brining a friend. If relevant I have 4 kids, she has 2 so a house full anyway. I presumed then if brining a child I'd never met she'd sort out lunch and meet us at the park. She presumed I'd have him round to feed as I often do. I don't mind the feeding, I'd happily bring a picnic, but I never invite unknown children I've never met. Over the years I've been well and truely burnt with some horror stories of kids who hurt my younger ones/ trash the house/ are argumentative. Her son is a bit of a handful (though I like him) and does tend to be friends with some boisterous boys. If I don't meet kids first I don't have them round anymore. My house is no palace, it's more the ones who shove the toddler and paint the walls that caused the rule! Locally is not unusual behaviour! My children aren't saints, but aren't violent or distructive.

Who is bu?

OP posts:

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TheDisappearingUser · 12/04/2017 09:42

Yabu. If the child was with your friend, he isn't really an unknown off the street is he?

myoriginal3 · 12/04/2017 09:44

Jesus. Get a grip.

claraschu · 12/04/2017 09:45

I would invite the extra child, no problem. When my kids were younger, I always glad to have friends of friends, especially if the other mother was planning to hang around, not drop and run. I never experienced visitors who painted on walls or tormented toddlers, though.

It would be nice if your friend contributed to the lunch. Why don't you ask her to bring something along?

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 09:51

Ok- a while back, took on two twins (yr1) from class whose mum had an emergency...

Ran through mud on way home, left shoes in mud puddle. Tried to run into main road more than once. Tried to run muddy socks through house, climbed over sofa tops and broke chair back. Turned over every box or storage in house. Threw food. Picked up baby when I went to drag the other off outside of banisters, dropped it. Called 3 yr old poo bum until they cried...

That kind of thing. Her son has been known to take chops out of wooden furniture at the best of times under watch.

I find it hard to believe no one else has had similar if they have multiple children

OP posts:

Wando1986 · 12/04/2017 09:53

YABU Op. And you know it.

19lottie82 · 12/04/2017 09:54

You sound like a total cow.

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:00

So everyone here would expect to go round a house, when not expressly invited, with your own children plus another? Instead of meeting at the agreed time and place you'd turn up instead at the house and hope there was enough food in the fridge for 4 extra? You wouldn't even check?

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 12/04/2017 10:05

The twins' behaviour was abnormal and certainly not indicative of how most children behave (at least not in my experience).

To now ban every "unknown" child from your house based on that incident is entirely ridiculous and unreasonable.

Lewwat · 12/04/2017 10:05

turn up instead at the house and hope there was enough food in the fridge for 4 extra? You wouldn't even check?

When she comes we often go to the park etc but have lunch at mine first, not always but mostly it's convenient after the drive

You say yourself, you usually supply lunch at yours. So it's not 4 extra mouths is it. Your being massively unreasonable here

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/04/2017 10:06

How old is this kid likely to be? 5 or 6 like the twins? Twins also being two not just one, when there's two adults about?

MimsyFluff · 12/04/2017 10:06

YANBU. You arranged to meet after lunch and a 40 minute drive is nothing.

AtomHeart · 12/04/2017 10:07

YANBU- Some kids are the type you don't want in your house. However, you need to tell your friend that you will meet them out of the house or just suck it up.

origamiwarrior · 12/04/2017 10:07

Instead of meeting at the agreed time and place you'd turn up instead at the house and hope there was enough food in the fridge for 4 extra? You wouldn't even check?

But that's not your AIBU though. You haven't said anywhere that she just turned up without checking, just that she told you she would be with another child today.

If she just turned up at your house without checking she is invited for lunch (regardless of extra child) then YANBU. If she asked if she could come for lunch and bring an extra 'child' and you said no then YABU.

Viviennemary · 12/04/2017 10:09

I think your friend is a bit cheeky for assuming she can bring an extra child when you are providing lunch at your house. It's not the cost or the bother but the principle of it. Seven children is too much. She's being entitled. IMHO.

AllStar14 · 12/04/2017 10:09

Are you for real? YABU

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:10

Well 'ban'... but why would you host children who don't really play with yours? Not school friends etc, but kids they don't know? Bar things like looking after family or helping out in emergencies if you arrange a play mate for your kid I'd presume you'd be responsible for providing it? Not take them to another house? If my son went to a friends I'd find it odd if he was then taken way out of the area to an unknown location to a family I'd never met.

The twins are just one example, I've had loads over the last 16yrs that think they can go wild without the supervision of a well known adult. With my own baby I can't supervise heavily so they need to be fairly trustworthy.

OP posts:

Astro55 · 12/04/2017 10:11

Wouldn't bother me - it's the holidays and kids are distributed to change the scene or childcare issues etc

Friend is responsible for the extra child - she should be watching him IF known issues

id we took your stance nobody would make friends ever

mummytime · 12/04/2017 10:11

I do think you need to "get a grip".
You normally feed your friend lunch, so she would expect the same yesterday. She warned you she had a +1. If you had a problem that was the time to say "oh maybe we should meet after lunch then?" Or whatever.
But I'd have no problem with a random extra, I would assume your friend has vetted them if having them for the day.

And having older teens, I frequently have a random older teen "crashing" here for the night. Most children in my experience are perfectly pleasant, and if not respond to being brought to heel.

abcBears · 12/04/2017 10:11

Your problem is that no everybody has well behaved kids, so some people find it normal for other kids to destroy the place the way their own kids do. Nothing to do with the number of children, I have friends with big families, and they still respect other people's houses. These people clearly cannot comprehend that you are not used to have your house torn apart.

It is very rude to not even ask.

you are NOT BU at all.

abcBears · 12/04/2017 10:12

*not everybody

Llanali · 12/04/2017 10:12

But it's one more mouth than normal, not 4? As you normally feed her snd 2DC?

And yes, I would have the kid no problem. If my friend thinks the kid is fine, I'd trust her. To be honest, I have a relatively open house policy here, most people are welcome.

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:12

If you reread the op.

I sent text asking to meet at park after lunch

She said she was in the area from 10 and her child had a friend with them

At no point did she say they needed lunch/ wanted to visit prior to park, though it has been done before.

So I went out before the park presuming from her text that she wouldn't be thinking of brining the child to mine just because she was in the area. She presumed the text was enough to imply she'd lunch here

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ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 10:13

Your house, your rules.
It's that simple.

SuperBeagle · 12/04/2017 10:14

You are being unreasonable.

What an absurd mindset.

Llanali · 12/04/2017 10:15

*Well 'ban'... but why would you host children who don't really play with yours? Not school friends etc, but kids they don't know? Bar things like looking after family or helping out in emergencies if you arrange a play mate for your kid I'd presume you'd be responsible for providing it? Not take them to another house? If my son went to a friends I'd find it odd if he was then taken way out of the area to an unknown location to a family I'd never met.

The twins are just one example, I've had loads over the last 16yrs that think they can go wild without the supervision of a well known adult. With my own baby I can't supervise heavily so they need to be fairly trustworthy *

My children frequently make friends with unknown kids. They play with anyone.

And no, if I let my kid go off with a friend of mine, I trust them, and therefore by extension their judgement of who they go to see etc. I might want to be told if my DC were going to go white water swimming, but round to another friends? No issues here.

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