To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

Have you tried meetup.com

[pushingthroughcracks]

Thank you. I have, but the groups are self-invite and therefore the names and numbers vary from event to event.

[Applebite]

If it's still going, far and away the best singles thing I went to was called "the meddler" - it's basically drinks in a bar, but they have "meddlers" who walk around and get you to mingle if you're just talking to your friend or by yourself. I actually had a bf by the time I went, but my friend begged me to go with her, and I could have gone home with about 5 phone numbers (and it was the 20's-30's night and I was 36, it was the best ego boost!!). See if there are any on, or anything similar?

The other thing I would say, after years of being the only single one in my group, is that you can't control this. You can help yourself but you can't control when you'll meet someone - so for the moment make the most of being single. Things that sound nothing but aren't, things like being able to sleep like a starfish for 12 hours at a time, to watch what you want on to, to eat houmous and crisps for dinner, to fuck off to Paris on a whim - I promise you, you will miss that freedom when it's gone, however happy you are when you meet someone

[Coastalcommand]

Might it be worth trying sociable sports clubs rather than the gym? Things like running and rowing clubs tend to have a good balance of men and women And you're much more likely to get talking to someone that then you might do in a gym. Plus your Outlay is no more than being in the gym.

[pushingthroughcracks]

Thank you for your supportive post Apple. I haven't heard of meddling so shall look into it.

Unfortunately the things that are novelties, possibly, for those who are in relationships, are no longer so for me. I can't for example go off to Paris on a whim due to financial constraints - my coupled up friends have a far more varied travel life than me, for instance. Loneliness when coupled with a general sense that life is passing me by is at times almost unbearable.

It's true that sports clubs might be better from the point of view of meeting someone than the gym, but unfortunately I'm not a natural athlete!

[Ezzie29]

God I know what you mean! No advice as I'm in the same boat but wanted to show support. I would rather be single than with someone I didn't really like or someone who was abusive, just for the sake of being in a relationship, but that doesn't make the loneliness easier.

[pushingthroughcracks]

Thanks Ezzie, it does help me to know it is not just me! Increasingly I am wondering if there is something in the 'it is not good for (wo)man to be alone' as I do feel odd and empty. Yet I don't think this is depression - on the occasions I do meet up with friends and have companionship I feel happy.

[Summerof85]

Hi pushing I was wondering how old you are?

[sonyaya]

I was the only single one in my friends for a number of years, and totally identify with the fact that what looks like fun to those in relationships is not that great when you're lonely and miserable.

I can only offer this advice: I met my fiancé in my thirties and within months we had moved in. It can change so quickly for you so don't lose heart. The only advice I can give on meeting someone is that a) you can't control it and it's nothing to do with your attractiveness/desirability. It's luck.

B) have an open mind about who you meet. If someone is not a definite 'no', go for a coffee (quick and affordable). As a veteran tinderer, the people I thought I would like in real life were not the ones I actually did like and others I was a bit 'meh' about were lovely. Think about it as an experience and worst case if a date is a disaster, it's a funny story!

C) could you show a friend you trust your profile online and ask for honest constructive feedback? How you put your photos/info together is crucial. Perhaps if only one person wanted to talk to you there is room for improvement here?

Good luck!

[MyHairIsMyHair]

Another vote for sports clubs, shop around (most offer initial sessions for free) to find one with the right demographic for you. Things like volleyball, korfball, ultimate Frisbee all end up with favourable ratios of men to women.

You are doing all the right things, and it's ok to have a little rant on here because it is rubbish.

All the best OP

[pushingthroughcracks]

Hello summer - I am 38 in June!

Sonyaya, yes, nodding along with your first paragraph - I suppose it really is like anything else; things can look so much fun from the outside. I live in a touristy place and people always exclaim how lucky I am without thinking that in fact there are considerations when you live here, when this is your life, that you don't have to take into account as a tourist.

I'm not currently on any dating sites so am not meeting anyone. In the past I have shared my profile with people and they certainly seemed to think it was a positive representation of me. It was guardiansoulmates where I only met "man from Manchester"; I had a handful of dates from the other sites - three in total, I think. One man was pleasant but being brutally honest, dull. I liked the other but he did not presumably feel the same!

[notmycoat]

I think you're being un fair to your friend. If she has children it could possibly have been hard work for her to get out of the house for that hour and a half. You have no idea what it's like to juggle a family with seeing friends, especially single ones with no other commitments. You sound quite immature and demanding. I do hope you meet someone though don't give up.

[pushingthroughcracks]

MyHair - thank you.

Being totally honest I do sometimes wonder if perhaps I have just left it too late, if I should have committed myself to finding a man when younger and then perhaps I'd be married with children by now?

Impossible to say isn't it? I don't know!

[pushingthroughcracks]

notmycoat, anonymously, explaining that I was mildly put out isn't being demanding, really :) Demanding would have been if I'd made a disappointed face and said, 'Really? I've driven all this way!' I didn't, of course, I smiled and said how lovely it had been to see her.

My explanation with this however wasn't to lay into my friend but to explain that companionship outside a committed relationship can be complex. In that example I got an hour of a half of company; I would need numerous friends in order to fill a day in the way one can with a husband or partner.

(My friend does indeed have children but the youngest is 19 :))

[sonyaya]

notmycoat

Your comment about "single with no other commitments" is very cruel in the context of what OP is posting about.

How dare a single woman want to see her friends who have families and be so demanding on their time be arranging to drive a long way to see her

No wonder OP finds it shit being single.

[arbrighton]

Oh of course you haven't left it too late.

And I don't quite see how going off to paris on a whim has anything to do with it- neither DH nor I would do something like that, nor have we at any time in our relationship, even before the two dogs were on the scene. If that is your view of what happens in relationships, perhaps this is the problem....

Rather than just going to the gym, try a few classes where you might meet and chat to people.

Oh, and if you are convinced that it will never happen for you, it probably won't. Stop looking, meet people and enjoy things.

[arbrighton]

Plus, sorry, you are being ENTIRELY unreasonable re friend with family commitments.

I don't think it's her not thinking things through on that front.

[pushingthroughcracks]

Largely this is one of the problems, as in the case of that friend, she is an erstwhile colleague some fifteen years older than me hence her children are a little older.

However, I wasn't suggesting that she was in any way being cruel or unkind to me, very marginally inconsiderate perhaps.

But, with this friend ('Sarah') - she is married. She left her husband at home doing the gardening and then met me for coffee then went home to her husband and teenage son.

For me, I left my empty flat and drove around an hour and three quarters and met Sarah for coffee and then drove back to an empty flat. Even taking into account driving and parking that was six hours out of my day of roughly sixteen that I am awake and conscious for.

Please understand I'm not attacking Sarah; but people frequently make the assumption that if you are lonely you a) have no friends or b) make no effort with said friends. I'm trying to explain it is possible to have friends you value and care about and yet still have this huge gulf of empty space.

The other problem is that of course it all has to stem from you: someone with inbuilt companionship at home doesn't have to push themselves to find it outside of the home in the same way.

[pushingthroughcracks]

Unfortunately the thread has turned rather into 'am I being unreasonable to be mildly miffed my friend let me do a four hour round trip for just over an hour of her company.'

That doesn't matter - it's not the point :)

Re Paris - no, I don't think people in couples jet off to Paris on a whim. But nor do people who are single.

However and this may be a rosy tinted view on the whole I think booking a trip away is easier for people in relationships. Splitting hotel bills, taxi costs to the airport and bottles of wine :) plus the very fact there are two incomes. Plus although I have gone away alone I don't really enjoy it. I feel a little self conscious and sometimes a bit bored.

[RedHelenB]

I've got friends but they are all in relationships so I know what you mean.have you tried posting on Facebook "anyone fancy going to see x film/trying out y restaurant as that's what we do.

[pushingthroughcracks]

Unfortunately helen the silence would be deafening if I were to do so :) Generally speaking things need to be organised well in advance in order to be done.

[arbrighton]

You are conflating issues here and drip feeding information.

1. friend, actually an old colleague. 90 min for a coffee is not unreasonable, if you wanted more, you should have said so from the outset.
   
   
2. You, personally don't want to travel alone regardless of finances. Perhaps you need to consider your self esteem before trying to find someone.
   
   And you do seem to be pushing it all on to other people for anything you see as a problem. You had an AIBU, people have responded. Perhaps not saying there there dear, aren't people DREADFUL to only spend 90 minutes of their day with you

[UrsulaPandress]

Do you have any hobbies?

I found when I was single in my early 30s, my all consuming hobby filled most of my time and gave me friends.

[Charley50]

Totally understand OP. I'm not single but when I was, I lived in shared houses with friends as I like having human contact most of the time, which is completely normal.
The time I lived alone I found very difficult as I'm basically sociable.
I agree about joining more sociable things: eg a team sport, or a book club.
Also; I know it's not the point of your thread, but if someone travelled over an hour to see me, it would usually be for a whole day or evening, rather than a quick coffee catch up, so I can see why you were a bit peeved. Maybe next time suggest lunch or dinner?

[pushingthroughcracks]

But that wasn't the subject of my post arbrighton which I do really think you've misunderstood.

My point with that example was NOT to discuss who was right or wrong - I am sure you are right and I was being unreasonable to feel as I did. So for arguments sake let's agree. That's fine :)

But the point was that even when you do the 'right' things and have friends and try to make arrangements to meet them, it's not really enough.

Ursula I'm not sure that I do really! I have things I enjoy but not something like cycling or sailing that would perhaps be my entry into a social life.