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To not have control over ExP?

(32 Posts)
LurpakIstheOnlyButter Tue 11-Apr-17 23:49:37

DH regularly has a go at me because ex does not pay maintenance for Dd1.

I am sick of it! It is not my fault and I cannot control this, it is a situation not of my doing. Ex used to pay but lost his job, has paid nothing for 18months despite CSA involvement which has now stopped anyway as they have taken to making the children pay from what they collect.

As a result, I am more in debt as I refuse to let DD go without. DH thinks it costs him but really it doesn't, I soak up extra costs, childcare, clothes, gifts for birthdays and Christmas, activities, lunch money.

DH pays for his share of the household bills. I pay mine

He thinks I should tell Xp parents that he doesn't pay. I think they are great and don't need extra worry, he probably doesn't tell them the truth but they have always tried to make up for the fact he is useless.

DH also says I should stop contact if ex won't pay. I won't do that to DD. She loves her dad even if he is useless. I did recently tell her why things are the way they are, that her dad left us out to dry and that everything she enjoys I provide. Before that she thought I was a devil mother, despite only ever trying to make things better for her. Now I get cuddles from her when I would have had a cold shoulder. It wasn't fun telling her the truth and we both cried buckets.

So.... What am I supposed to do? I can't force ex to pay/get a job. I can't get DH to see my point of view! Stuck!

ChasedByBees Wed 12-Apr-17 01:06:09

I can't see what it is to do with him if your finances are separate (why are they separate by the way?)

This sounds pretty unattractive of your DH. Well done for putting your DD's needs first and not treating her as pay per view.

BlessYourCottonSocks Wed 12-Apr-17 01:06:20

I'd personally be waving bye bye to another ex in the rear view mirror. You don't seem much better off second time round, frankly. First one's a bit incompetent and lost his job.

Second one begrudges anything spent on your DD. That would be a deal breaker for me.

For the record I have a useless ex who paid fuck all over the years for the three kids he left me with. Second DH loves them to bits (although they are all grown up now) and has never, ever, ever mentioned the fact that he worked a 70 hour week to effectively support my kids. I worked too - but couldn't have paid for the school ski trip they all went on, etc. That was down to DH working his arse off. And he never once made me feel shit that he was picking up the slack from my ex.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 12-Apr-17 01:22:41

Your DH would rather a child goes without seeing a parent that she loves? Sounds like as much of an arsehole as exH TBH.

indigox Wed 12-Apr-17 01:24:45

Your dh sounds like a dick.

SuperBeagle Wed 12-Apr-17 01:25:38

Your husband sounds like a right wanker, tbh.

highinthesky Wed 12-Apr-17 01:28:24

It sounds like DH isn't making any effort to integrate DD into the new family.

How would you feel if you were made out to be a financial burden? It speaks volumes.

Out2pasture Wed 12-Apr-17 02:09:38

If he loved you, he would see you in your daughter and treat her like family. Money spent on her wellbeing is no different than money spent on an aging parent, it's done within your means and with kindness.
I would expect you however to be financially responsible and not take on debt.

whattodowiththepoo Wed 12-Apr-17 04:10:57

You need to look at money and figure out how you can all live within your means.

Atenco Wed 12-Apr-17 04:13:05

Yeap, I'm afraid your dh is a loser, OP. Third time lucky, eh

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Wed 12-Apr-17 04:28:16

Do you and your DH have children OP? Just wondering, as might help explain your DH 's attitude if he feels they are missing out (but not by much). When I met DH I knew he had a child. I accepted that that child was his (and therefore OUR) responsibilty, financially and otherwise. I never ever questioned what DH paid for her, and certainly never grudged the child! When we had dd1 the amount he paid decreased, again when we had dd2. We never told the CSA about our next child as we felt we didn't want the amount decreased any more, and DH isn't in contact with the mother, so couldn't make it up.
Both your partners have been unreasonable here, I feel. Obviously her bio father has let her down, but your DH should, imo, quietly suck it up and not get involved. I accepted DHs dd as part of our finances (sadly not part of our life, as I would have wanted) from the start, and it's bad form for your DH to bring it up as many kind of issue.

londonrach Wed 12-Apr-17 05:45:06

Sorry..dh is a husband not a partner so surely family money. Third time lucky?

Fl0ellafunbags Wed 12-Apr-17 06:07:28

Do you think you might have bad taste in men?

FABpMummy Wed 12-Apr-17 06:20:15

DH is Unreasonable. Unless you were letting ex off, I wouldn't see this as solely your cost to cover. It's a family cost.

I wouldn't conceal the truth from ex's parents though. I'd want them to know that their son is failing to provide for his child. This is regardless of whether they would help financially or put pressure on him. His failure to meet his obligations is not your dirty secret to keep. I'd do it in a shoulder shrugging matter of fact way next time there's a natural opportunity.

FuzzyBoots Wed 12-Apr-17 06:22:51

despite CSA involvement which has now stopped anyway as they have taken to making the children pay from what they collect.

Correct me if I've misunderstood this, but surely if you could get something through CSA but will lose a small amount, that would be a better option than nothing?

I do agree that it's totally unfair that CSA do this, and also agree that you are dealing with this in the best possible way by not involving his parents and not stopping contact. Your DH should respect that.

Chloe84 Wed 12-Apr-17 06:24:33

Do you both work outside of the home? Who does housework/childcare?

It sounds like you're protecting everyone else - dd from her useless father, your ex ILs fron the knowledge their son isn't paying CM, and your DH from the cost of bringing up your DD.

I wonder what you're getting back from DH and I would tell ILs the truth about their son and stop protecting them, although if he's not working they may know he doesn't contribute. Do they ever help financially?

Underthemoonlight Wed 12-Apr-17 06:32:02

despite CSA involvement which has now stopped anyway as they have taken to making the children pay from what they collect.*

*Correct me if I've misunderstood this, but surely if you could get something through CSA but will lose a small amount, that would be a better option than nothing?*

^This CSA take 4% which in the grand scheme of things isn't a lot, they actually take 20% on top of the payment from the NRP .I agree with your dh you should be getting that money. However surely he's taken on your dd and the costs of the household including her as part of the family

Frouby Wed 12-Apr-17 06:45:21

I can see why your dh is upset. Men who don't feel the need to get a job to support their dcs are complete wankerbastards.

I haven't received anything from dds dad for about 10 years. Initially dp was upset and also suggested dd didn't go for contact until payment started again. I refused to stop as dd wanted to go.

I did have a few conversations with dp about the fact that I couldn't physically make ex get a job. Or support dd. And asked him what he thought I could do.

He has never begrudged dd anything tho. Ever. And although I would always be able to support her his wages definitely help.

Can you afford the things she has? Has the lack of maintenance meant you are now spending too much on luxuries? How old is she and why can't she understand that if there is less money in the pot for everyone?

tellywelly Wed 12-Apr-17 06:54:43

Aside from the moaning DH...

You're protecting almost everyone except yourself... getting into debt for a lifestyle is unsustainable and you're only borrowing from your future self.

Time to re-think the budget and work out what is truly affordable, reduce spend elsewhere and try to pay off the debt.

If some of the cash is for school trips / extra lessons etc - ask the school for assistance.

c3pu Wed 12-Apr-17 07:33:32

You don't half pick shit partners OP!

JaxingJump Wed 12-Apr-17 07:38:08

It's hard to know who is unreasonable without knowing what you are overspending on and what you feel she cant go without. If he goes on about you not getting money from ex that's not good but if he says it in passing while frustrated about all the new toys and designer clothes you buy DD then that's very different.

Mombie2016 Wed 12-Apr-17 07:41:09

If he's claiming JSA you'd get around £7 a week, less after fees (which funnily enough they don't charge NRP fees for collection when on the dole angry )

Chinnygirl Wed 12-Apr-17 08:05:55

Your DH sounds really mean and controlling. He needs to butt out!

SaorAlbaGuBrath Wed 12-Apr-17 08:13:13

It's shit that your ex won't pay, my XH has never paid a penny (found every CSA loophole there is) and still uses his "rights" to try and control me. The bit I have an issue with is your DHs attitude. He married you, therefore he took on your DD as his stepdaughter and should provide for her. DP and I aren't married, yet he treats DS1 no differently to the kids we have together, he provides for all of them, he spends time with all of them, he parents all of them.
Why is your DH drawing a line between himself and your DD? Nothing would make me fall out of love more quickly than someone actively rejecting my child.

ems137 Wed 12-Apr-17 09:04:52

I'd still make a claim through CMS (not CSA anymore). Who cares if they take a small amount off? At the moment you're receiving nothing at all anyway!

Your DH is clearly frustrated with your exH and rightly so but that's no reason for him to expect your daughter to be punished in the process.

You're not helping anyone by getting into debt either. If you can't afford a certain item or school trip then that should be the end of it, I wouldn't get into debt to cover up my lazy exH shortcomings!

I also wouldn't be lying to anyone about exH not providing for DD.

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