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AIBU to think I should have some money of my own?

(426 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

nutmegbunnies Tue 11-Apr-17 14:23:11

My husband is such a good guy and I love him to bits but he is so uptight about money and it's really affecting my day to day life.

Like right now I have about £2 in change in my purse. He won't be home until 9 at least. It's such a long day. If I try to talk to him about it he immediately laughs and says well what did you need where did you want to go? And sometimes I can't always think. We have two children both under 4 so it is hard going anywhere. He points out that we've got family entry to the zoo, farm, soft play, swimming. Plenty of places I could go.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not but I just don't feel happy with it.

LIZS Tue 11-Apr-17 14:27:56

No, you should have access to money, how do you buy snacks etc? Do you have a bank card?

Grenoble124 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:28:51

Do you not have access to a joint account? Of course you should have money. For coffees, bread or whatever you want. I have a ten month old and am a SAHM at the moment due to a work issue. We consult re big purchases but that's it and we're by no means rich.

MimiSunshine Tue 11-Apr-17 14:28:54

So you have no access to money at all? You don't have a bank card or your own account?

If no then set up an account online today and transfer in some money from his / joint account and use that on yourself however you see fit.

dementedpixie Tue 11-Apr-17 14:28:56

Don't you have joint account with access to money? I couldn't be in the situation where I had to ask for money whenever I wanted to do something

c3pu Tue 11-Apr-17 14:29:09

My husband is such a good guy

Apart from the financial abuse you mean?

grobagsforever Tue 11-Apr-17 14:30:22

Do you mean you have no bank card??? This is horrifying.

Chloe84 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:30:31

YANBU. He is not a good guy and he's not just uptight - he is financially abuse. You need equal access to family money.

Who gets the child benefit?

neonrainbow Tue 11-Apr-17 14:30:32

He is financially abusing you and he is not a good guy.

expatinscotland Tue 11-Apr-17 14:30:51

He's a 'good guy'? No, he's not. You should have access to money. Denying you that is financial abuse.

Zeitgei5t Tue 11-Apr-17 14:31:23

So this sounds like financial abuse? Is he controlling? Are you safe?

Trifleorbust Tue 11-Apr-17 14:31:50

That is not acceptable. Who cares where you wanted to go? Why shouldn't you have the same access to money that he does?

UppityHumpty Tue 11-Apr-17 14:31:51

So you don't get any personal money at all? Your dh is not such a good guy after all. A good guy, a good man, would give his wife access to household money even when she doesn't earn her own. You need to have a firm discussion with him OP.

FABpMummy Tue 11-Apr-17 14:32:30

Yes, you need access to spending money (commensurate to the family budget).

KayTee87 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:32:56

If you don't have access to any money then your dh is not a good guy. Who receives the child benefit?

Chloe84 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:32:59

*abusive not abuse

And family money includes his wages

MickeyRooney Tue 11-Apr-17 14:33:41

Not a good guy.
This is financial abuse and is put in place so he can control you.
Expect this to worsen over time.
I would make plans to escape.

DonaldStott Tue 11-Apr-17 14:33:44

So you have no access to money? Do you look at bank statements etc?

Pallisers Tue 11-Apr-17 14:34:27

you should have access to money

He isn't that good a guy.

If I were you, I'd be looking to get back to work so I can have my own income stream as soon as possible.

nutmegbunnies Tue 11-Apr-17 14:35:04

He used to be so generous. I do have my own account but there's no money in it as I'm not working. If I ask for money he will give it to me but it has to be "for" something. So for example we had a wedding and I asked for some money to get a present, card and clothes for me and the children and he was happy to give me that but then he gets funny about £5 to get ice creams for the children. It's so hard then as he rightly says he is not stingy.

petalsandstars Tue 11-Apr-17 14:35:44

It depends on the other surrounding circumstances. If you have to ask for cash as you're not allowed a bank card that's very worrying financial abuse.

JaxingJump Tue 11-Apr-17 14:35:59

Financial abuse. Loud and clear. OP, you need to understand about this better so please do a bit of reading but a grown woman left in charge of 2 small children with access to 2 fucking pounds is financial abuse. You should have equal access to ALL family money.

ZefStar Tue 11-Apr-17 14:36:31

Yes you should have access to money, same as he has. And you don't have to explain to him what you need it for. I imagine if he wants to buy himself a coffee or a magazine or whatever then he just does it?
If he's genuinely a good guy, it should take about 3 seconds for him to understand you should have the same access to money as he does. If he questions it at all, even for a second, then he is not a good guy. He's controlling you by financial abuse.

aprilsdelight Tue 11-Apr-17 14:37:24

Tell him you want joint access to the money, it's not his to keep for himself.Some men seem to think because they earn it they get to keep it. Should have stayed single and child free if that's what they want.

SheepyFun Tue 11-Apr-17 14:37:32

I don't have 'money of my own' BUT I have a debit card on our joint account, to which I have full and free access. DH and I both earn, though he much more than me. We have agreed at what point we'd discuss a purchase together before going ahead, but the rules are the same for both of us. I go through the statements each month to check that the account is being used legitimately (i.e. that someone hasn't cloned our cards). DH has never challenged something I've bought, including during the last part of my maternity leave, when I wasn't bringing in anything. That's what a healthy financial relationship looks like (there are, of course, other ways of doing it).

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