Trusting my dad with my baby(64 Posts)
Ok, this is my first post but I've joined with loads of things in mind to ask, I feel like there's uncertainty in so much of my life right now.
I am writing this from upstairs in my parents' house. They don't live far from me and we've made a plan that I'll visit weekly with my son (now 15 months).
My son LOVES my mum. As do I. The problem is my dad.
He's not a very nice person. I have never liked him, he treated my mum like dirt when I was little and we've always had a strained, formal relationship.
I don't think I have any reason to suspect that he's done anything really bad to me when I was small but he has also always made me feel quite uncomfortable in an explicable, shuddery sort of way.
I have an older sister who is a narcissist (whole other story) and she once told me that he has been accused of being innapropriate by another family member but she didn't have details and I never know whether to believe things she says. For all I know if I bring it up again she'll deny having said it, that's what usually happens with the weird things she tells me.
I feel very uncomfortable about the thought of leaving my son alone with him, although there's really no concrete reason for this.
I have told my mum that I am not comfortable but I don't really dare explain why as she's very defensive and already exploded at me for even saying that.
Every time I go there and ask her to watch the baby while I go and do something, within minutes I hear her off in the loo and realise she's left the baby with my dad. I ask her to just call if she wants the loo and I'll come back, I'm never indisposed.
I think she fears offending him if it becomes obvious that I don't want to leave them alone, but I always make convincing excuses.
Just now I went down and said to him "oh you need your nose wiped" and then when she came back I said under my breath "you should have called me" and aloud "he needed his nose wiped".
She got very angry and said shrilly "I had to go to the loo!!!!" and I said "I'd have come back down if you'd called" to which she gave me a very disappointed look and said that I was unfair.
My dad had gone off by this point so I said quietly "it makes me unconfortable, every time I ask you to call me and every time you just leave him."
She said "I am not going to call you I think it's unkind", so I said "then we won't come anymore" and she said "yes, I think maybe you should stop coming".
I am not exaggerating when I say this happens every time.
I know nothing untoward has ever happened and I really think it probably never would. I don't really think he is an abuser and even if he was, to my knowledge he's only been creepy to girls.
I don't feel that it's a safeguarding issue so much as a comfort/trust thing with my mum.
Apart from when it comes to discussing things that make her defensive, we are very close.
I have other problems at the moment and I really appreciate her support and don't want to stop visits or create bad blood.
If you are that uncomfortable don't leave your child in the care of these people.
Why do you leave your son with her if you are there in the house anyway? Just stay with your son.
You've asked her not to leave your son with your DDad. She continues to do so while becoming defensive. You either have to accept how things are, or stop spending time with them.
If you're in the house why don't you just stay with your son? And if you're not comfortable to be around your dad, why are you allowing you son to be around him?
You're mum is obviously going to get defensive about it all. And although your sister seems to agree with you, there seems to be no real reason as to why he shouldn't be around him.
If you thought he was such a bad person, surely you wouldn't have allowed this in the first place? Maybe suggest meeting your mum for lunch or something instead of going to the house.
Things probably aren't going to change while you're there so I'd say, get used to it or stop seeing them completely.
Tbh it does sound like a wholly irrational fear.
You have absolutely no grounds for being suspicious he would sexually assaulted your son. The vaguest of hearsay from a narcissist who's word cannot be trusted is not enough, I'm afraid.
You cannot police your Mum every single week for literally the next dozen or so years.
Yep, what they said ^
If they can't/won't play by your rules and you're not willing to compromise then you need to stay with your son and stop leaving him.
You don't trust your dad to be with your son? So don't leave him. I don't get why you would continue this arrangement.
I don't leave him for long, just for example to run up to get something from the loft etc. I know it's not enough time for anything to happen, and I really don't believe it would anyway. It's just a trust thing. It just makes me feel angry and frustrated and as though I couldn't leave her to babysit ever as she can't be trusted.
But she's the person I trust the most with my son - they're so close! I have been hoping to go out with my husband at some point and leave her watching him at ours... which would be fine because my dad wouldn't be there.
So should I just limit visits and see just her at mine? He never comes with her when she comes to us.
If you honestly believe he's going to sexually abuse your son, then of course!
You can't have it both ways. You can't have your child babysat in the house you believe he's going to be molested in.
I'm unsure what your issue is TBH. You don't believe anything would happen but still don't trust him?
If you are worried,cancel 'the plan' of weekly visiting for starters.
Why would you leave your baby with anyone that you don't trust?
OK so he loves your mum.He's 15 months old.He loves anyone who's kind to him.
Just stop going.
Just take her at her word then. She said you shouldn't ask her to mind your DS if you cant trust her - and you cant. She will leave your DS with your dad alone. And by the sounds of it even if she didn't want to, she might to appease her husband rather than cause a row.
You are uncomfortable with it, so invite her over to yours instead to spend time with your DS.
You're getting something from the loft - your mum's in the loo - for, what, 4 minutes? What do you really think is going to happen?
You're all under the same roof so I can't see a problem tbh.
As for babysitting, then ask your mum to babysit at yours.
Or if it makes you THAT uncomfortable visiting, just don't visit.
I'm with the others saying invite her to yours.
Just out of curiosity, how is your dad with your ds? Interested?
Disinterested? Do they interact?
I'm a big believer in trusting your gut instinct. You clearly feel uncomfortable about your son being left alone with your dad. In your situation I would limit visits to their house and when there stay with your son at all times.
Invite your mum to yours lots and spend time with her there minus your dad. You could always say it's easier to see her at yours as ds has his toys, naps better, it's more baby proofed etc.
Your mum has excused/enabled your dad for a long time. I doubt that will change now so I think you have to work with the situation as it is.
💐 trust your instincts, even if you don't understand where they come from.
I would meet your Mum away from their house and if/when you do go there, don't leave DS alone with them.
I wouldn't leave your Mum babysitting, not even at your house, because it would be very easy for him to join her there after you have gone out. If your Mum is very defensive she's not going to see anything wrong with that.
Better safe than sorry.
Ok I asked for your opinions and I guess I got what I wanted. I wanted vindication that I'm not being harsh or over the top by wanting to stop coming.
Now I feel like I just want to clarify so people don't think badly of me. If I thought there was the remotest chance that something would happen to my son I wouldn't be here. And I would tell my mum in no uncertain terms.
I know he's perfectly safe. But I don't like this man. I suppose it's akin to if your mum had a boyfriend that you didn't like and didn't want your son spending time with.
There isn't abuse happening. But I think he's a horrible and slightly creepy person and I wish my mum could respect that enough to just try to play with my son for the five minutes without wandering off.
Is it worth stopping visits? I suppose the unanimous verdict is yes, but I would be doing so because it makes me stressed and uncomfortable. It's not a child safety issue.
What do you think your Dad is going to do in the time it takes for your mum to go to the loo? I'm not surprised your mum is annoyed with you. (Sorry).
You've stated your boundaries and she's ignored them and shown no remorse. That isn't a healthy situation. I'd back off from visiting/meeting them and go LC for a while to see how you feel. You say you don't want to create bad blood, but it sounds as though that's already happened and your mum isn't concerned about your emotional health at all.
You're basically asking your mum to side with you instead of your dad. The poor woman must feel her loyalties are being stretched in both directions and ultimately she must be worried that she may lose contact with the grandson she adores.
keep visits short and spend whole time in same space as your son. And trust your instincts on this. Protect your son at all costs- even if that means arranging time with Mum only.
He's a horrible man? So why on earth do you leave your child with him?
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