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To have ended it with this date?

(191 Posts)
Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:07:47

I have had an abusive relationship. So I'm very wary of choosing a nasty guy again. Went on two amazing dates with a lovely man on date 2 he was already talking about holidays away (would usually would have scared me!). Date 3 I met up and we had sex. It was nice. We had a lovely sunny day in the park. I probably did make him feel that I was really into him (I thought I was, I really did). We met the next day and I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to hold his hand. It felt clammy and sweaty. He'd told his parents about me and all his work friends were excited about his new woman. He'd posted instagram smug couple selfies.
After a couple of wines I felt more relaxed with him, but although at times I had butterflies and did fancy him, at other times little things repulsed me. Silly things like saying he'd brush his teeth so he had 'minty fresh breath' for me. I can't explain why, but that and his clammy skin made my skin crawl.
I didn't know for certain what to do, but he was getting keener and keener and so I've just very nicely ended it, saying I wasn't sure about my feelings and it wasn't fair to him to flip flop like that. He took it well though was upset. It just felt like too much, too fast and too soon. I feel awful because I did get swept up in it and did inadvertently lead him on. We even took our dating profiles down on date 2. I'm such an idiot. I think I just wanted it so much that I tried to convince myself. But it just wasn't right I don't think.
Have I made a mistake? He was sweet and kind, if inexperienced. I did fancy him at times. But the speed of things and the skin crawl feeling made me realise it wasn't right. I feel really upset and have cried tonight though.
Before you say I'm crazy and over reacting, I think the abusive relationship left me a bit raw and I'm discovering and setting new boundaries.
Just need a cuddle.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:08:34

Sorry for the poor grammar. I am intelligent, just distressed!

Msqueen33 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:09:32

If you found him creepy it's not right. And it's not fair on him. If I were you I'd take a break from dating and let you yourself heal (hippy sounding I know). There's no rush. Hugs.

SilverdaleGlen Mon 10-Apr-17 23:10:42

Minty fresh breath and telling his parents would have had me running too. Follow your gut, no loss.

TuddlesAndSisses Mon 10-Apr-17 23:10:44

If your skin is crawling now it won't go away in my experience, just slowly get crawlier.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:11:48

No I know. And I feel ok to date, I think I need to just make sure I apply my boundaries. Which I did here, just feel bad about it. He was a lovely lovely man.

TheCakes Mon 10-Apr-17 23:12:18

No, if it didn't feel right, it wasn't right. You did the kindest thing in ending it. Awful as you feel now, it wouldn't have been fair on either of you to carry on.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:13:13

I didn't like the way he said the word 'pastries ' and when he said 'we have worked up quite a sweat' in bed. It made me feel sick. But I felt like a bitch thinking it.

StrawberryJelly00 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:15:15

Well done for going with your gut.
When I was online dating I found it really hard to shut things down with dates even though I knew they weren't for me.

Looking back I wish I would have been able to end things faster when I knew things were not right.

araiwa Mon 10-Apr-17 23:16:22

you are overreacting. but justifiably so

but you should consider what you can do about previous relationship issues before any more dating. if this happened with a lovely lovely man you fancied, it will come up time and again

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:19:02

The thing is, I don't think I rejected him.because of previous relationship issues. I just think I didn't fancy him enough. I don't think, abusive past or not, the right man would make my skin crawl.
I know I am over reacting and I think my first foray into dating has perhaps made me feel a bit wobbly. I just don't want to choose someone I'm not completely into just because they are nice.

alicemalice Mon 10-Apr-17 23:19:14

You feel what you feel. It's not 'wrong' and you're not a bitch.

He sounds very over-invested for 4 dates.

Questioningeverything Mon 10-Apr-17 23:19:23

No, you end it for any reason that you feel is true to you. I've had similar.
I ended my most recent relationship which I'd feel smug about- we seemed outwardly perfect for one another in some ways- for many reasons. One being that the last time we kissed I felt a bit... bleh. Turned off. And this wasn't a short term thing.
Stop feeling bad. You're not a bitech. Now if you'd come saying you'd let him take you on expensive dates and buy expensive presents beyond his means because you liked the attention then dumped him cause something better came along... then I'd be thinking differently

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:21:51

No I split the bill etc. And ended it right away when I felt funny. He was over invested. Said he was 'smitten.' I freaked out and felt trapped I think. Then cried because he was lovely and deserves someone nice. He's got no confidence. I just worry I don't fancy nice men.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed Mon 10-Apr-17 23:23:48

He sounds needy and desperate to please

That doesn't make someone nice they are behaving that way to fulfill their own needs

That is why you were getting the red flags

Catherinebee85 Mon 10-Apr-17 23:25:08

He might have been genuine but if it doesn't feel right then you've done the right thing. It was an assertive thing to do, and you were 100% right to notice your feelings early. Well done. Having a bit of a guard up is not always a bad thing. X

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:25:24

Yes, I did feel like he wouldn't disagree with anything I said. Which I didn't like. Maybe I am getting better at listening to my gut. One of the things I struggled with in my past was that I'd put others before myself. I need to recognise that MY feelings matter.

SealSong Mon 10-Apr-17 23:26:19

You should be feeling proud of yourself that you listened to your gut feeling, IMO. He wasn't right for you and you knew it. Why are you giving yourself a hard time over it?

SalemSaberhagen Mon 10-Apr-17 23:26:22

You hated the way he said pastries, has made me laugh, sorry OP!

Look for the thread on reasons you have broken up with someone, in classics it should be. You will see you aren't alone!-

SalemSaberhagen Mon 10-Apr-17 23:28:00


alicemalice Mon 10-Apr-17 23:29:19

Maybe you're not used to putting yourself first and so it feels weird?

Takes practice, if you've been a people pleaser in the past.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:29:31

Thank you, I'll take a read. I don't want to reject lovely men, but I am not sure it gets better once the skin crawly feeling creeps in.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 10-Apr-17 23:36:22

No I have been a people pleaser, so although this is an over reaction to normal people, putting myself first does feel odd.

Huppopapa Mon 10-Apr-17 23:42:01

Speaking as a chap, don't give it a moment's anxiety. You are who you want; you date who you choose; no man has any right whatsoever to require you to remain in a relationship with which you not entirely comfortable.
I shouldn't assume you don't like nice men though: you may just need to try a few more before you find one who is simultaneously nice and fanciable!
Good luck! (and keep MN posted on any further 'pastry' outrages...)

BunnyChickChocolateEgg Mon 10-Apr-17 23:51:52

So, exactly how did he say 'pastry'OP - I kind of want to know now :-)?

As others have said, you can't make yourself fancy someone, sometimes it just isn't quite right; I've had similar experiences, but am now with a really nice man, who I fancy too (even after several years!).

Don't be put off, take a little break if you need to, then try dipping your toe in again :-)

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