to share a pubic hair / sex life conundrum with you?!(238 Posts)
Opinions gratefully received on this weird one. Massive over-share / TMI warning!
DH is massively awesome, lucky to have v happy marriage, v evenly matched in temperament and so on, and he's great with kids / house / etc. zero complaints from me on any front.
He's also very direct and honest, which I've got used to over the years, but sometimes it means he says things you might not want to hear! he never means it unkindly, but still...
So, a while back whilst having a frank chat about sex (and honestly, lack thereof since second DC arrived last summer) and a good laugh about how we need to get back on the horse more often, so to speak, etc etc. he came out with the confession that he found my pubic hair off putting in terms of oral sex.
We've never been at it like rabbits, but clearly used to be more than we are now. I am not very hairy really, and i do have the odd trim around bikini line etc. but I have v sensitive skin.
to shave regularly (which i did in younger days) leaves me itchy, sore and with an unattractive rash.
to wax is a faff, a bit unpleasant, and besides, surely if you do it regularly, you have a couple of weeks every few weeks where you've got loads of regrowth anyway, right?!
i had a comedy feminist rant back at him about pubic hair is natural, there for a reason, and so on (see Cameron Diaz for more on this ) and told him the above about it leaving me uncomfortable.
he sort of understood, but he also was a bit shoulder shrug, and basically saying he didn't enjoy it au naturel, so.....
not an ultimatum as such, but left me understanding that he wasn't likely to go down there unless it was well pruned.
i just don't know how to feel about it.
Part of me feels hurt and offended and frankly a bit cross that he wants me to do something i don't want to do to suit him. Let me be clear though - he has certainly not put it like that, nor mentioned it since. I bet he hasn't given it a second thought.
However, i also certainly don't want to think he finds it off putting and either try to make him do something he doesn't want to do, or just go without for the rest of our lives.
the thought of getting busy in some way with something that I found a turn off myself is awful, so why would i expect him to be any different?
Buy a bikini trimmer and give yourself a crew cut down there? Solves the hair-in-mouth thing (which he's entitled not to like) but doesn't involve itching or more than about a minute of effort on your part every now and then.
Well he's left it a bit late to tell you this hasn't he?
How has he managed this far into your relationship, without mentioning it?
TheFifthKey does that leave stubble? seems scratchy and not nice but i could give him the option!!
WorraLiberty I know it's weird. I wonder if the vaguely decent effort i made prior to second baby was actually sufficient to not bother him.
and maybe with time i've realised i'm less willing to suffer the discomfort.
maybe it's me being unfair - if i lured him in when i was more on top of these things!
I borrow the hubby's beard trimmer (with his permission!) and keep it short but present, to avoid unruly hairs-in-the-mouth while not having to bother with irritation and regrowth etc. And, importantly, he returns the favour with his own downstairs, (ball hairs in the mouth are the worst.)
So I don't think him asking you to trim the whole area with an electric trimmer is necessarily unreasonable, (seeing as it does avoid surprise pubic hair consumption,) but if he's asking you to shave or wax, that is unreasonable imo.
I don't think anyone is bu his allowed to find it unattractive and not want to preform oral just as you are allowed to want to keep your pubic hair just don't expect oral.
I understand the dilemma.
I think there's a difference though between saying 'I don't like pubic hair on women' and saying 'When you have lots of pubic hair I don't really like going down on you'.
I would have no problem working with his sexual preference if he is saying the latter. I'd hope he would take my preferences into account too.
I agree with Chattymummy.
Neither is being unreasonable, as long as neither of you is forcing the other to do something that makes them uncomfortable.
YANBU not to want to remove hair - HINBU not to want to go down on a hairy fanjo. But that leaves you in an awkward position (no pun intended!)
Personally, I'd think genuine pain/ discomfort ought to trump preference - I'd rather do something I didn't particularly enjoy than require my partner to make himself uncomfortable to fit my preferences. However, that's a choice not a rule. Requiring someone to do something sexual that they're not happy with is a bad road to go down.
Since you've had the conversation and said that it's actively unpleasant for you to remove hair, and it hasn't made a difference for him, I don't know what to suggest. One of you needs to choose to sacrifice your entirely reasonable preference and since he's made it clear it's not going to be him, it might have to be you. Rubbish, though.
Veet Sensitive is in the 99p shop and after a while of regular use undercarriage hairs stop growing and a neat triangle or landing strip is left. Solves both issues.
I understand both your points of view, we have the same conundrum. I hate waxing, get ingrowns etc....
I use a wilkinson sword ladyshave all over my nether regions on the shortest setting. Easy Peary, takes two mins in the shower.
I wax my bikini line and then trim everything else down so it's neat and tidy but there's minimal discomfort.
I used to wax it all off but DH hates the bald look, and I just got so sick of the expense, the faff and the pain of a full wax. I can't shave it at all because I immediately get a rash and loads of ingrown hair.
I agree with everyone else,
its your fluff and you are entitled to have it any way you want it, but equally he doesnt have to pick pubes out of his teeth if he doesnt want to, so a bit of a groom is a good compromise if you want oral in my opinion.
I recently started having laser hair removal, my hubby clearly prefers me smoother (except for a strip which he made me keep) and i feel cleaner and better having gone for it to be fair. not only that, I'm More confident in the bedroom, esp on all fours as i felt very conscious about my backside and i would hide away. Now i can just go swimming etc whenever without a panic! best thing i've ever done, and hurts way less than a bikini wax!
'Well darling, when you regularly remove all your pubic hair for me, I'll consider doing the same for you...'
You are being very unreasonable OP if you want oral and he doesnt want to give it when you have more hair than he likes / has been used to in the past.
Why should he do something he doesnt like?
"Part of me feels hurt and offended and frankly a bit cross that he wants me to do something i don't want to do to suit him."
So you wouldn't mind him being hurt and offended and frankly a bit cross you wanting him to do something that he doesn't want to do to suit you?
(conversely, he should not be asking you to give him oral if his cock and balls are not to your liking).
Actually every man I've ever discussed the topic with has offered to remove their pubic hair for me if I wanted, I don't know why it's seen as such a ludicrous idea in these threads.
'Well darling, when you regularly remove all your pubic hair for me, I'll consider doing the same for you...
But the OP might not want him to, or she might be perfectly happy to give him a blowjob, with him having pubic hair, which is normally around the base/scrotum anyway.
And of course he might be perfectly happy to remove his, which doesn't solve the OP's problem of not wanting to remove hers.
I shave mine everyday in the shower and it was only the first time I did it (many moons ago!) That it felt uncomfortable or scratchy.
I prefer hairless and it takes less than 30 seconds a day to keep it that way-I prefer dh hairless down there too (he doesn't care) but he uses a beard trimmer to keep it all short because I prefer it!
I think neither of you are bu, but I think if you started shaving it's actually really easy and quick to keep it that way.
If you were happy with it, a compromise might be trimming your hair closely with nail scissors? I think it creates quite a nice look, gives a sexy look of light and shade to the female form without you having to apply razor blades, electrical implements, or chemical cream to sensitive skin. I agree that a full bush can sometimes get in the way so maybe this would be meeting him half way
ElinorRigby but the bits of him I lick aren't hairy
I can see his point. Also IMHO it 'feels' better for me smooth.
Once a yearish I get myself professionally waxed. The more you have it done the less uncomfortable it is. All I have to do then is keep on top of the maintenance. I wax myself regularly but it's only bits of fuzz not the whole furry animal.
My feminist side hates it, but you like what you like and I really like how it feels.
Trimmer thing works best, keeps it short, no ingrowing hairs, no rashes - I have extremely sensitive skin too.
I do it when I can be bothered, more often than not and DH prefers it like that, but if it's not like that he is not going to complain but he is not going to want to give me oral sex either.
It works the other way round too, he trims he gets oral, he doesn't I don't give it unless I'm very drunk
He is better at keeping his parts trimmed than me though
sure nobody is shocked by this Neither of us are being unreasonable, because we are not expecting anything from the other, no demands just preference, very different to some of the things you see on here.
Veet sensitive burns my legs, no way is it getting near my lady parts!
You don't have to shave/wax.
He doesn't have to perform oral sex on you.
Personally I hate hair in face/mouth. There is a fairly strong correlation between DP keeping himself trimmed and the amount of of sex he gets!
In my albeit limited experience of men, Ive never met one who was so fussy to be honest.
Most are happy to get down there and get on with it, as long as it's clean.
I also think this 'getting hair in your teeth' is a figment of people's imagination. I mean FFS what are people doing if they are literally pulling hair?
Looking at it the other way round, men often have loads of body hair especially if they are hairy all over. DH is hairy from the chin to his toes with hardly a hair free centimetre on his body. It doesn't put me off as I prefer hairy men.
I don't think there is a perfect answer OP but I'd stick to your guns and accept he may not give you all you want in bed.
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