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.to think telling someone to walk away from ALL their friends and/or family is easier said than done?

(6 Posts)
Draylon Mon 10-Apr-17 12:33:56

You see it all the time on here. Somebody in a group either commits a misdemeanor, or worse; the OP asks advice about how to handle it, given that the group is tight knit, especially if family are involved, and the advice is 'Drop them all! Get 'better friends'! Go NC with that miscreant!' (even though it means the whole family or group may 'drop' you as a result!).

It's like we all move in groups of these pure, uncorruptible, reasonable, fair, measured people who'd never take sides or go silent when they should speak up, thus are folks you could 'tell it like you feel' all the time without fear of total, or partial ostracism.

Human nature isn't like that and sometimes the advice to compromise and put-up with a not-unreasonable amount of discomfort- would be far more sensible and grown-up than expecting someone to cast themselves away from what could be their only support group.

'Better friends' are hard to come by.

krustykittens Mon 10-Apr-17 13:26:34

Yes, better friends are hard to come by, but they are worth looking for. My friends don't come in a tight knit friendship group which makes me life a lot easier if some one is getting on my nerves. Half of my friends have never met, so it is not like I face being excluded from my own social life if I drop someone who is being a pain. But I have a friend who doesn't seem to know many people outside of a social group she belongs to - they are out together every weekend, their kids mix, they holiday together. Half of them are knobs who treat her very disrespectfully, yet she dare not stand up to them as her world would fall apart. I get it, but at 40 years old, you really shouldn't have to deal with playground shit anymore. Don't be dependent on one social group, go out there and broaden your horizons. Life is a lot less stressful when you don't tolerate dick heads.

VestalVirgin Mon 10-Apr-17 13:32:29

Yes, better friends are hard to come by, but they are worth looking for.


If you only have friends who a) do morally despicable things or b) would drop you for not wanting to be friends with their friend who does horrible things, then it is not so very likely that those friends would support you if you really needed actual, substantial, financial or physical help.

If you consider "support group" to mean "people who will listen to me complain about my horrible boss", fair enough. That's probably something all friend groups do.
(But then, to replace that, you don't need better friends. Just new friends.)

potoftea Mon 10-Apr-17 13:39:35

I often think this too. I think I know the thread that prompted this (party occasion) and people just told the op to find new friends. But it seems that her entire family/friends network were involved. So it's a huge deal.
Just reading the thread about loneliness shows how difficult making friends is as an adult. Yes you can distance yourself but you may never actually replace what you've discarded.

krustykittens Mon 10-Apr-17 13:58:27

Just wanted to add in the interests of honesty, that I have confessed to being lonely on other threads. I have few friends and having just moved to a new area, know no one locally. But the few friends I have are lovely people and not having arseholes in my life has meant a huge amount of stress has dissapeared.

Draylon Mon 10-Apr-17 14:08:28

Kittens- glad to hear that you have some support.

But, the issue is, if you have to go cold turkey with everyone due to there being 'an arsehole' in your 'friendship' group, as most groups have hierarchies of power and attachment, so what you find unforgivable about some action of that person, someone else might weigh differently, even up to the point there's an elephant in the room, iykwim!

tea, yes the party one got me thinking, and recalling it's quite common on MN for people to tell posters to effectively drop out of their existing life and get a new, shiny one!

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