Feeling resentful - AIBU?(53 Posts)
I was delighted to hear that one of my best friends is expecting, after a long wait. I can empathise as DD came to us late in life.
DD has lots of good quality baby dresses that were barely worn before she's grown out of them, so still look very new. I'd washed and pressed them, and they've been packed up with the intention to donate to a charity shop. They were very expensive, and I'd intended that both the chosen charity and someone who couldn't afford to buy at full price could benefit from them.
My friend had her 20 week scan last week, and she will be having a DD oof her own. She and her mother (who happens to be a good friend of my own DM) took me aside over the weekend, and have asked for all of DD's clothes.
This request has me seething, and I'm trying to work out why. My friend is rich (daughter of a self-made multi-millionaire), and has married a wealthy man. She's always been princess-y, flighty and spendthrift with other people's money but never seems to have any of her own. She lives a lifestyle I could neither afford nor want, yet is assuming she has first refusal on these clothes? She reclaimed her own gift to DD on the grounds that I'd already bought the same item - fair enough - and promised another gift in return, which never materialised. I didn't think I was bothered by this but yesterday realised that she hasn't actually given my DD any token of affection at all. There's a fine line between being generosity (I always seem to be subbing her) and being a total mug and I feel this has been well and truly crossed.The clothes are still going to go to charity and I make no apology for it.
AIBU for being irritated with my friend? Or am I just a meanie?
Nope YANBU at all! Is she actually a friend though, she doesn't sound very nice at all!
Could you donate them to some sort of charity where you know they'd go to mums and babies who would really appreciate the clothes? Like a refuge or something. If you're brave enough you could be honest about why you'd done this. If not tell her you donated them ages ago.
Yanbu. It's extremely rude to ask for baby clothes. I've been very lucky to have been given loads of second hand baby stuff. But I'd never, ever ask for it.
Stand your ground.
Of course you're not a meanie, the clothes are going to charity so someone will benefit from your genorosity.
Your friend is as tight as a duck's arse so don't feel bad.
If she's already asked, did you actually say No?
You don't sound like you like her very much! I think that it can sometimes be the little things that send you over the edge with people - sounds like this is the case with this lady.
I've been in a similar position - had lots of quite expensive kids' clothes for my two. I really enjoyed passing them on to a friend with younger DDs and seeing her girls wear them. That said, I offered - and she gratefully accepted. I think the asking outright is a bit off (as opposed to a "be grateful for any hand me downs" comment), although she may see it as paying you a compliment (that your DD always looked lovely)?
All I will say is that, unless you know a specialist charity shop, I don't think the local ones make that much money from second hand kids' clothes. It's also possible that someone simply won't recognise what is a hugely expensive brand and mark it as a baby dress for £1/2. You might do better to, say, sell on Ebay and donate the money to charity.
Sorry, I've donated them all to charity. That's all you need to say. If they bitch and moan so what? Buy your own stuff tight wads.
I wouldn't want to be friends with her personally, by how you've described her. Are you truly close friends? What did you say when she asked you for DD old clothes? I would tell her that you've already donated most of the old clothes to charities that need them. Don't feel bad at all, I'm sure she will spend tonnes of money on unnecessary baby items, and that would irritate me if I'd handed down a load of lovely baby clothes when she's capable of buying them herself.
Tell her that you're selling them on eBay with the money raised going towards babies/children's/women's charity.
It's so rude to ask like that, there's no way I would give them to her!
'She's always been princess-y, flighty and spendthrift with other people's money but never seems to have any of her own. She lives a lifestyle I could neither afford nor want,'
I couldn't imagine being friends with someone like this. She is selfish, tight and self absorbed. if she has redeeming qualities and you want to continue being friend just say politely 'oh sorry they went to the charity shop a few weeks ago'.
Or the resentment will eat you up.
It was terribly rude and gauche of her (and her mother!) to straight out ask for the stuff.
It's not yours or anyone else's job to provide for her child. If people want to give her things completely unsolicited than that's one thing, but to expect that people will give you/her things reeks of entitlement, and that's not okay.
I'm glad you're sticking to your original plans and aren't giving in to her demands!
As an aside, I'd stop paying for her when you do other things too.
Another thought - it wouldn't surprise me if part of her plan was to sell the clothes and keep the money for herself if you did give her the clothes.
I'd rather burn the clothes than give them to a person like this. She sounds awful.
Not sure why people are suggesting things you should say to her, you've already decided to say no, and I think you're right. If a friend wanted to pass on baby stuff to me, I'd be delighted, but I wouldn't go and demand that she do that, let alone that she gave everything to me.
You're right it's rude of her to ask in this way, glad you have already said no and are sticking with your original intentions.
It's not really about the money side of things it's the attitude.
I have gifted a whole load of clothes to a close friend and then others to charity for sale , and then some immaculate tiny baby stuff to the hospital.
My friend didn't expect them although I asked if she could make use of them before I posted them but was very grateful as she knew how special they were to me. I got a lovely thank you card and some great photos of her baby in them which meant the world to me. As I said it's all about the attitude, I think I would step back from this friend a bit as I suspect this won't be the only thing that will grate.
You reply...oh I'm sorry.all already gone to the charity shop..
Glad you have decided that they are still going to the charity shop.
What did you say in response?
I think it is interesting that her mother asked tbh. Is it possible that your friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship with limited access to money? Just because she has the trappings of wealth, doesn't mean she has access to cash or is free to spend as she chooses.
FWIW, my local charity shops sell used baby clothes very cheaply and most are picked up for a song & sold on eBay by amateur dealers.
IIWM I would speak to my friend and if I did give her the clothes it would be on the understanding that she used them for her baby & they went to charity afterwards.
So you are BVSU, but if your friend is just tight & grabbing, you should sell the clothes on eBay, give a donation to charity & get another friend!
'Not sure why people are suggesting things you should say to her, you've already decided to say no,'
Apologies I did misread that. They've gone to the charity shop, all sorted. No you aren't a meanie.
Just be a bit more selective with friends maybe.
If you don't want to - then either a polite 'oh dear, turns out they weren't stored properly and aren't fit for use/already promised/donated' white lie - or if you're happy passing them on 'wonderful, I was selling them to raise money for x charity, so if you're happy to make a donation of £50 then that saves everyone a lot of bother' . Or even just say 'well I was selling them for £50 to raise money for x charity, but I'll have a look and see if there were any others I'd forgotten about.
It's easy to feel annoyed and prickly when you feel a little used but to be honest if you give them to charity there's no guarantee that whoever buys them sells them on for profit.
In your shoes I would give her a small amount but gift wrapped and make that your gift for the new baby. The rest donate or sell on eBay and donate the proceeds to a women's refuge.
I'd ask for money for them and make the donation to charity. I suspect the answer will be no! If that's the case then hand them into charity.
You're not being a meanie. But maybe be more honest with yourself about your feelings towards her as a person. Do you actually like her or resent her and her lifestyle? I'm not saying you do BTW. Do as you planned with the clothes and then distance yourself as she sounds like a drain on you.
You do know why she's rich ?
Sometimes it just takes one little thing to make us re-evaluate a friendship. Sounds like this one is over
Say no, say that you are selling them on ebay and using the money to get something for dd, or just say no you haven't got to provide reasons.
Send the clothes to charity asap and tell your 'friend' that the clothes have gone. End of story. Your local women's refuge will gladly take clothes donations as women often flee with very little luggage.
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