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Am I being a tightwad or is this taking the piss?

(144 Posts)
thebarefootcarrottop Sun 09-Apr-17 23:35:13

So one of my closest friends got married a couple of months ago. She said they didn't have a massive budget which I have no problem with, of course! They decided to hire a big house and not get any catering or bar staff. Instead they bought the food and basically got the guests to all pitch in. All fine so far. But the wedding was a 3 day event (Is this a 'thing' now??!) and there was a different themed party on each day (with different themed outfits to have to buy for both me and my DH. Some of which we cobbled together but we did end up spending about £40 on the various bits we needed). The venue was 6 hours drive, so cost quite a lot in petrol there and back. And we were asked to bring our own drink. So for 3 days we spent about another £50 on wine. Then, and this is the bit which made me rather cross, there was a room set aside at the house for me and my DH. At a cost of £150 per night! So £450 for the 3 days! As this wasn't a hotel there was no breakfast included, rather we were required to bring what food we wanted to eat as well! Oh and then we were asked to buy something from their wedding list which was circulated beforehand. I'm usually quite generous but we opted for a cheaper item as it was costing us so much to attend. Basically, the cost of going to this wedding was over £700! I've just found out that hiring the venue cost her and her fiancé nothing! Because, she told another friend of ours, that they recouped the full cost of hiring the house through the money they collected from friends and family for the rooms!!!! In other words, the venue cost x amount and they just divided x by the number of bedrooms (about 15 in total) and charged all the couples who stayed 1/15th of the venue hire!!!!! I get that not everyone can afford the big do and that it can be quite fun getting friends and family to pitch in. I was happy to help with cooking and clearing up. But seriously, I just don't think it's OK to be this self indulgent (3 fecking days of celebrating their union!!!) and charging everyone else for the privilege. Anyway, it has made me really cross but none of our other friends seem to have issue with it so I'm worried I'm being a tightwad by complaining. I won't say anything to my friend as it's done now, and I know I could have declined the invite. But she's one of my oldest friends and when I agreed to take one the rooms at the house, I had no idea how much they were nor that this would be paying for their wedding! I feel really cross about it!

citychick Mon 10-Apr-17 01:23:54

what happened to church, photos, grub, dancing, home?

^ this...

What's wrong with people these days? It's all so self indulgent and grabby.

I must say, OP, I would find it very hard not to say something after all that. As an old friend, did she really pull the wool over your eyes with this wedding?

YANBU

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 10-Apr-17 01:30:17

One thing I found when organising my wedding was that the wedding forums are responsible for most of this shite.

Mad brides all encouraging each other and confirming that its an honour to be invited to a wedding, that its not unreasonable to expect guests to pay 4 figures to attend, that if guests dont come then they dont give a shit about your speshul day and should therefore be cut off forthwith etc

So I can well imagine the three day extravaganza paid for by the guests would be encouraged. Why wouldnt your guests be happy to inflated room prices so that you can have a celebrity style wedding?! Its an HONOUR!!!!! hmm

thecatfromjapan Mon 10-Apr-17 01:44:05

Really, Pyongyang? I'm curious now. Go on, give an example of a wedding forum, so I can investigate the craziness. grin

citychick Mon 10-Apr-17 01:45:58

Well...I had no idea these wedding forums existed.
They sound like terrifying places 😳

Never had any of that in my day... <old timer>

weddings often bring out the worst behaviour in friends and family. That has never changed, clearly.

kerryob Mon 10-Apr-17 01:46:05

That's so grabby!

KazenoTaninoNaushika Mon 10-Apr-17 01:57:20

Wow - I've heard of some self-entitled cheek in my time but this really takes the proverbial piss!! You are definitely NBU at all! What a horrible (and expensive!) experience; I can imagine it has really marred the friendship to feel like a friend took advantage of you like that. sad

mathanxiety Mon 10-Apr-17 02:05:20

This takes the boiled sweet prize for brass necked nerve.

Are you sure she didn't actually turn a profit? shock
And if not then she is not very unclassy but stupid too.

highinthesky Mon 10-Apr-17 02:05:56

Wow, just wow.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to call her out on this. Bridezilla has been fundamentally dishonest when you.

mathanxiety Mon 10-Apr-17 02:05:57

*not just very unclassy but...

5BlueHydrangea Mon 10-Apr-17 02:40:48

That is awful. How could they justify it?? I was imagining initially a hired out youth hostel, cheap and cheerful comparatively but seriously? Yes, taking the Mickey big time. Although you were all a bit mad to go along with it too...

BarbaraofSeville Mon 10-Apr-17 03:33:35

Seriously? You lost me at '3 day wedding with no food and drink included'.

No-one does that. No one.

Gallavich Mon 10-Apr-17 03:37:09

I just wouldn't have gone to something like that. Ugh.

BarbaraofSeville Mon 10-Apr-17 03:54:48

Is this the Welsh castle wedding, or is it really a thing?

What sort of circles do you move in to expect friends/relatives to have £700+ spare to attend a wedding, especially when you 'don't have a massive budget' yourself?

seven201 Mon 10-Apr-17 04:09:34

Yanbu

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 10-Apr-17 04:18:53

YANBU. They were Royally talking the piss in a major fuckin way.

echt Mon 10-Apr-17 05:13:19

Pyongyang, I was about to post something about honour when I read your post. The something I was about to say was that the invitees are honouring the hosts by turning up, yet plainly the bridezilla nonsense has put the espadrille on the other foot. Shocking.

flumpybear Mon 10-Apr-17 05:49:37

We had friends who did similar, but just a normal wedding not a three day event. It didn't cost us that much though and think they paid a fair share - plus they bought all the food and a lot of wine etc for a bar - it was good but didn't feel they'd used us. I think in your situation I'd feel a bit used

notadutchie Mon 10-Apr-17 07:04:30

So weird to think
"Let's invite our nearest and dearest to a three day party. We'll send out invites, book a venue they can pay for. Don't worry about food and drink for our invitees for three days, they can pay for that themselves. Oh yes, and they need to bring us presents that we've chosen too."

FFS at least on a self catering holiday you don't need to bring special outfits or presents!

FABpMummy Mon 10-Apr-17 07:10:52

They were very unreasonable. Unfortunately, your only option was to tackle it at the time and say no thanks, we'll get a Premier Inn room.

GeekyWombat Mon 10-Apr-17 07:22:40

It might not be that loopy intense anymore as it's been a few years since I got married, but when we were preparing for our (not so big) big day I became a bit obsessed reading the You and Your Wedding Emotional Support forum www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/emotional-support/19.html

Some of the threads are unintentional comedy gold / mind boggling.

Everything I read made me feel happier that my wedding hadn't gone crazy.

Beijingyouth Mon 10-Apr-17 07:27:29

then we were asked to buy something from their wedding list which was circulated beforehand. What bad form. Id have expected 'strictly no gifts' for a wedding like this as you're all spending money on travel and accommodation already. I'd also be annoyed that they've recouped the fee for the venue by letting all guests pitch together for it.

Are they always like that? I'd let it go though if you want to stay friends but first I'd have a good whinge. So you are absolutely no tightwad and they're super super U and entitled.

ArgyMargy Mon 10-Apr-17 07:32:49

So basically they bought some food. I suspect many honoured invitees feel as you do, but think it would be bad form to complain. YANBU

kierenthecommunity Mon 10-Apr-17 07:36:04

No way would I spend three days at a wedding. Especially as I'm a shift worker so even if part of that was a weekend it would take three days of my annual leave.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Apr-17 07:38:11

Yes very rude and cheeky, tbh, as they say, its an invitation not a summons, I would have declined the invite, or just gone for the day.

Bluntness100 Mon 10-Apr-17 07:40:07

In this instance I'm not so sure actually. As there is no other costs for the venue i.e. Food drink etc then literally it is just the room costs and I think it's fair for people to pay for their rooms and not expect the bride and groom to subsidise them. I also see nothing wrong with uou paying for your own personal food and drink. Did you think they would pay for you for three days when you decided to go?

Why did you not ask the price before you agreed? You had the option not to stay there. You had the option to go for one night. You chose to stay,

However I think three days is ridiculous to be honest for any wedding. I mean cmon, get over yourselves. Who wants to celebrate someone's wedding for three days?

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