Am I being a tightwad or is this taking the piss?(144 Posts)
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So one of my closest friends got married a couple of months ago. She said they didn't have a massive budget which I have no problem with, of course! They decided to hire a big house and not get any catering or bar staff. Instead they bought the food and basically got the guests to all pitch in. All fine so far. But the wedding was a 3 day event (Is this a 'thing' now??!) and there was a different themed party on each day (with different themed outfits to have to buy for both me and my DH. Some of which we cobbled together but we did end up spending about £40 on the various bits we needed). The venue was 6 hours drive, so cost quite a lot in petrol there and back. And we were asked to bring our own drink. So for 3 days we spent about another £50 on wine. Then, and this is the bit which made me rather cross, there was a room set aside at the house for me and my DH. At a cost of £150 per night! So £450 for the 3 days! As this wasn't a hotel there was no breakfast included, rather we were required to bring what food we wanted to eat as well! Oh and then we were asked to buy something from their wedding list which was circulated beforehand. I'm usually quite generous but we opted for a cheaper item as it was costing us so much to attend. Basically, the cost of going to this wedding was over £700! I've just found out that hiring the venue cost her and her fiancé nothing! Because, she told another friend of ours, that they recouped the full cost of hiring the house through the money they collected from friends and family for the rooms!!!! In other words, the venue cost x amount and they just divided x by the number of bedrooms (about 15 in total) and charged all the couples who stayed 1/15th of the venue hire!!!!! I get that not everyone can afford the big do and that it can be quite fun getting friends and family to pitch in. I was happy to help with cooking and clearing up. But seriously, I just don't think it's OK to be this self indulgent (3 fecking days of celebrating their union!!!) and charging everyone else for the privilege. Anyway, it has made me really cross but none of our other friends seem to have issue with it so I'm worried I'm being a tightwad by complaining. I won't say anything to my friend as it's done now, and I know I could have declined the invite. But she's one of my oldest friends and when I agreed to take one the rooms at the house, I had no idea how much they were nor that this would be paying for their wedding! I feel really cross about it!
I'd feel taken advantage of, and the fact she was crowing about it, but what's done is done.
Has the wedding been and gone?
If you value your friendship, you can't complain. Just mark it up as a learning.
You should have questioned the price at the time if you didn't want to pay it, and arranged other accommodation.
You could have just said oh we'll come for x day, but really sorry we can't afford to pay for the whole weekend at the moment.
But it's been and gone. Move on.
I don't blame you, rubbery should have covered part of the cost for venue hire and charged a reasonable amount on the bedrooms to cover the rest. The rest sounds lovely
That is really bad. She needed to cut her cloth according to her income. Basically she got a wedding and a 3 night stay plus wedding gifts at practically no cost to herself. That is deceitful in my view.
Also, who agrees to accommodation without knowing how much its going to cost?!
Umm how tight. Well done them, they charged their guests and spent nothing.i would be fuming and would probably have pulled out when I found out how much the rooms were.
YANBU but you were a bit daft to agree to go if you didn't want to spend so much money.
Ha...friends of ours just told us that their 3 day wedding is in a castle next year, and they're planning to do what your friend did. I explained how it's wrong and greedy, and people won't be happy. I hope they listen and think again....your friends totally took advantage!
You were gouged Yanbu. I was already thinking it was a bit much before I got to the £150 a night rooms! Jammy pair got all their friends to pay for the whole shebang.
Just make sure you're otherwise engaged when it comes to any future baby showers or christening parties for this couple.
Please ...... not another Fleece Your Family and Friends/
Great Wedding in Castle Rip-Off !
I was trying to think of a sarky, witty, yet profound reply.
I came up with...
Oh my goodness you are DNBU! Cheeky fuckers.
Shocking. I would have to say something. Friends do not try to get one over on you
As previous poster said, if you value her friendship, you can't bring it up now - it's too late; the boat has sailed.
I think you don't know her aw well as you thought you did, though.
That is so much money. Is that really what people pay to attend weddings these days? when did weddings become so expensive?
I am sure that this has become a "thing" lately because people are tightening their belts everywhere and so wedding planners probably started it as a way to earn vast amounts of commission despite the B&G spending barely anything.
On the other wedding thread where the bride is doing this, someone mentioned a hotel having 3 tiered room rate schedules depending on how much of the wedding the B&G want their guests to pay for! Basically if they decide to sell the rooms at the highest rate, the whole wedding is paid for by the guests.
Oh and when did 3 day weddings become the norm?!
What happened to church, photos, grub, dancing, home?
I've been hearing more and more stories of grabby couples over the last couple of years. I think people need to get a lot firmer about what they are willing to pay out for someone else's party.
what happened to church, photos, grub, dancing, home?
What's wrong with people these days? It's all so self indulgent and grabby.
I must say, OP, I would find it very hard not to say something after all that. As an old friend, did she really pull the wool over your eyes with this wedding?
One thing I found when organising my wedding was that the wedding forums are responsible for most of this shite.
Mad brides all encouraging each other and confirming that its an honour to be invited to a wedding, that its not unreasonable to expect guests to pay 4 figures to attend, that if guests dont come then they dont give a shit about your speshul day and should therefore be cut off forthwith etc
So I can well imagine the three day extravaganza paid for by the guests would be encouraged. Why wouldnt your guests be happy to inflated room prices so that you can have a celebrity style wedding?! Its an HONOUR!!!!!
Really, Pyongyang? I'm curious now. Go on, give an example of a wedding forum, so I can investigate the craziness.
Well...I had no idea these wedding forums existed.
They sound like terrifying places 😳
Never had any of that in my day... <old timer>
weddings often bring out the worst behaviour in friends and family. That has never changed, clearly.
Wow - I've heard of some self-entitled cheek in my time but this really takes the proverbial piss!! You are definitely NBU at all! What a horrible (and expensive!) experience; I can imagine it has really marred the friendship to feel like a friend took advantage of you like that.
This takes the boiled sweet prize for brass necked nerve.
Are you sure she didn't actually turn a profit?
And if not then she is not very unclassy but stupid too.
Wow, just wow.
It wouldn't be unreasonable to call her out on this. Bridezilla has been fundamentally dishonest when you.
That is awful. How could they justify it?? I was imagining initially a hired out youth hostel, cheap and cheerful comparatively but seriously? Yes, taking the Mickey big time. Although you were all a bit mad to go along with it too...
Seriously? You lost me at '3 day wedding with no food and drink included'.
No-one does that. No one.
I just wouldn't have gone to something like that. Ugh.
Is this the Welsh castle wedding, or is it really a thing?
What sort of circles do you move in to expect friends/relatives to have £700+ spare to attend a wedding, especially when you 'don't have a massive budget' yourself?
YANBU. They were Royally talking the piss in a major fuckin way.
Pyongyang, I was about to post something about honour when I read your post. The something I was about to say was that the invitees are honouring the hosts by turning up, yet plainly the bridezilla nonsense has put the espadrille on the other foot. Shocking.
We had friends who did similar, but just a normal wedding not a three day event. It didn't cost us that much though and think they paid a fair share - plus they bought all the food and a lot of wine etc for a bar - it was good but didn't feel they'd used us. I think in your situation I'd feel a bit used
So weird to think
"Let's invite our nearest and dearest to a three day party. We'll send out invites, book a venue they can pay for. Don't worry about food and drink for our invitees for three days, they can pay for that themselves. Oh yes, and they need to bring us presents that we've chosen too."
FFS at least on a self catering holiday you don't need to bring special outfits or presents!
They were very unreasonable. Unfortunately, your only option was to tackle it at the time and say no thanks, we'll get a Premier Inn room.
It might not be that
loopy intense anymore as it's been a few years since I got married, but when we were preparing for our (not so big) big day I became a bit obsessed reading the You and Your Wedding Emotional Support forum www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/emotional-support/19.html
Some of the threads are unintentional comedy gold / mind boggling.
Everything I read made me feel happier that my wedding hadn't gone crazy.
then we were asked to buy something from their wedding list which was circulated beforehand. What bad form. Id have expected 'strictly no gifts' for a wedding like this as you're all spending money on travel and accommodation already. I'd also be annoyed that they've recouped the fee for the venue by letting all guests pitch together for it.
Are they always like that? I'd let it go though if you want to stay friends but first I'd have a good whinge. So you are absolutely no tightwad and they're super super U and entitled.
So basically they bought some food. I suspect many honoured invitees feel as you do, but think it would be bad form to complain. YANBU
No way would I spend three days at a wedding. Especially as I'm a shift worker so even if part of that was a weekend it would take three days of my annual leave.
Yes very rude and cheeky, tbh, as they say, its an invitation not a summons, I would have declined the invite, or just gone for the day.
In this instance I'm not so sure actually. As there is no other costs for the venue i.e. Food drink etc then literally it is just the room costs and I think it's fair for people to pay for their rooms and not expect the bride and groom to subsidise them. I also see nothing wrong with uou paying for your own personal food and drink. Did you think they would pay for you for three days when you decided to go?
Why did you not ask the price before you agreed? You had the option not to stay there. You had the option to go for one night. You chose to stay,
However I think three days is ridiculous to be honest for any wedding. I mean cmon, get over yourselves. Who wants to celebrate someone's wedding for three days?
Wow that's shocking. But no you can't say anything now unless you're happy to lose the friendship. Take it as a learning experience. I would struggle to get over this though and probably have to say something like " I don't think the way you did that was fair or right" as friendship for me would already be ruined if a friend had treated me like such a mug/money bag at her benefit
We got married last summer and I joined some wedding Facebook groups. Am still in them as they have lots of posts that make me go .
It is definitely "am honour" to be invited to someone's wedding and it doesn't matter whether you have chosen to get married on a Tuesday hundreds of miles away from where guests live, if they don't come then you'll know they're not true friends, as anyone who really was would come.
The day is basically all about the bride (maybe a bit about the groom) and the guests seem to be mere inconveniences. It's fine to say that if someone wore white to the wedding that you'd throw them out. And many other weird (to me) things.
Our wedding didn't quite fit in with this
Wow. I'm glad all my mates are married if this is now a thing because I'd say no, as a PP said, you cut your cloth and all that.
If it's been and gone, I guess you he to let it be but I don't blame you for being cross about it. I feel cross on your behalf!
£150 A NIGHT?! And no food! That's shocking. YADNBU. Check out The Knot boards if you want to find some crazy wedding nonsense...
And geekywombat's just sorted my lunchtime reading.
blunt but if the room rates covered the cost of the entire house then the guests were paying for the venue too, not just for the price of a B&B room. And they didn't even get breakfast.
I am pretty much against pushing costs towards your friends and family, and that includes getting married on a weekday.
In an ideal world you get married on a Saturday, in a location where most guests can return home at the end of the night, and you cover the bar costs too.
I don't disagree with wedding gifts though.
Basin i don't disagree with wedding gifts either, but would you really even consider a gift list when you are charging people to come to your wedding and they don't even get a drink whilst there?
Yuck. It's so crass and deceitful. Also since when did people do a three day wedding? One day is enough for me!
Everything about this makes me grateful for my friends
See this is why I dislike wedding invites. We got invited to one last year which Dh accepted before I had chance to check the small print.
It was midweek so they could afford the venue. We all have jobs to go to the next day.
It rained so no BBQ just two baps each of fatty meat. No Buffett. I was starving. I raided the kids sweets table.
The bride made a rude comment to my Dh.
It was basically all about the photos.
Dh under strict instruction not to accept more invites.
Well I would have not paid it as would not have£700 lieing about to spend. You could have said that, gone to the wedding and the do on the day and then gone home. A close friend would have known that. If £700 was available to you then you must be able to afford it.
Oh god no sara there is nothing agreeable about the wedding in the OP!
I've been invited to a few weddings like this. Much as I love my friends, I can think of better things to spend my money on. So it's always been a case of a family do on one of the three days, so I can only really attend for the wedding. Or one time I was saving to buy a (tiny, tiny!) flat so simply told them I couldn't afford to go for several days but would attend for the day itself and that night, before disappearing off the next day.
I remember someone (a bride to be) saying something along the lines of the guests respecting the wedding more if there was costs involved, or something along that line
DP and I are discussing marriage/weddings and having been to tons of huge, HUGE events in stately homes and castles and abroad and for several days etc. I am leaning towards a nice quiet wedding in a local church, then have a big get together with family, friends, food and drinks. Plus speeches (his and mine - when am I ever going to get a more sympathetic/drunk audience?!) and then we all toddle off home.
I think my mum would be disappointed if I didn't have a big one though
OP I would mention it. But in a jokey 'I had to take out a second mortgage to pay for it' way
It's not your mums wedding though.
Mil was "disappointed" we didn't invite Dhs cousins who he never sees & doesn't like but 7 years on it doesn't matter.
gah a wedding doesn't have to be big and grand to be good. Not to blow my own trumpet but DH and I got married in a registry office at 5pm, then all got on a routemaster bus with some music and fizz, drive to a nice riverside pub and then had a naice buffet and all got tipsy and had a good dance.
People now still tell us that it's the most fun they ever had at a wedding and it was 'a bit different', by which I think they mean simple, relaxed and therefore quite refreshing. No hanging around all day having millions of photos done or a formal sit down meal.
We spent the money on the things that mattered (paid the bar bill, transport for guests and paid a bit more to have it local (London)) not grand venues and big lights that say LOVE on the dance floor etc. Made it a good day for the guests. Because if they have a good time it will be an awesome wedding. Making it expensive and inconvenient for people to attend does not make for a nice wedding IMO.
'Honour' my arse! Well not really
Honestly, when I got married I tried my best to save people from spending money. I wanted all my family and friends to celebrate with us and not have to worry about money. I'm sure some people spent more than we hoped but that was through choice as the venue was easily accessible for everyone but some chose to stay overnight. I'd rather people remember our wedding with joy rather than thinking 'fuck me that was expensive!'.
Yadnbu, what they're asking is ridiculous!
Why did you go? Surely you could see the costs mounting up beforehand?
You are being a little U to be mining about it after the event.
FWIW, I think it's incredibly rude and grabby and selfish.
If you don't have the budget, don't have a big wedding.
icant I totally agree, I think if you a throwing a wedding you try and absorb as much of the cost as possible.
I had the pleasure of being in the same room as my uncle and cousin when cousin was going on about how they had decided to get married abroad because it worked out 'much cheaper' and uncle tore a strip off of him. He explained that the 'cost' of a wedding is not simply what the bride and groom shell out but if you consider the guests travel, accommodation and other incidentals, possibly losing pay and not to mention using a week's annual leave if it's too far to travel for a weekend, then that is the true cost of a wedding and not to be so bloody selfish as to smugly shove all of that cost onto everyone else and think you have got a good deal.
It was a pure gold moment I tell you.
I won't mention it to my friend as it's done now and I don't want to damage our friendship. I realise I could have declined but I was told the room would be about £150. I assumed that meant the total cost (so £50 per night) and it wasn't until a couple of weeks before that she said it was £150 PER NIGHT!!! Too late to book anywhere else to stay and we'd already booked time off work, bought outfits etc. I suppose it's a misunderstanding. I didn't realise she meant per night or I'd never have agreed! And to those who said we must be able to afford it, no, we definitely can't afford £700!!!!
It gets worse actually......I've just had an email from her to say there was some damage to the house (a small broken window, a wine stain on the carpet) and they're not getting their £600 deposit back, so rather than try and find out who did the damage (WTF??!!) they're just asking each couple to chip in a tenner to cover it!!!! OMFG!!!!! Tell me it would be reasonable not to ask your guests to pay for this as well and just swallow it and pay it themselves!! I am actually speechless!
In my young day, it was church, photos, food, speeches, cake and home.
Thank God the wedding we're going to this summer is along those lines.
Refuse. She had a free wedding venue.
I'm glad I don't have friends like yours.
YANBU...they wanted to keep the cost down for themselves and yet wanted everyone else to basically pick up the bill? Not cool...
Tell her ODFOD.
She got the cost of her ridiculous wedding paid for she can pay the £600.
No way would I go to a 3 day wedding, thats taking one half hour ceremony to the extreme. 3 days of 'themes' is she on glue? What were the 'themes'?
In cases like this everyone should just tell the bridezilla to go and do one. You will go to the ceremony/reception if its practical but to ask guests to basically stand for the hotel/house/castle, bring their own food and drink and then charge ludicrous amounts for the room is beyone selfish and entitled. If they want a 'celebrity style' wedding then they can pay for it.
God YANBU - was one of the themed parties highway robbery where the bride and groom dressed up as Dick Turpin??
They shouldn't have gone all out like that if they couldn't afford it and the damage to the house isn't your issue.
Willow the themes were 'purple' which was ok for me but my DH isn't exactly flamboyant so we had to buy a purple shirt and blazer from the charity shop. The actual wedding day theme was 'Gatsby' - again fine for me, but we did buy a few accessories for DH. And the last day was 'Country Squires' so more eBaying for tweed etc. I don't mind ONE theme but THREE?! A bit bloody much really!
And I've no intention of contributing anything for the damage. I certainly am not responsible for it and my conscience is clear. My friend turns 30 next year and I'm already dreading the invite!!
I'd Email her back and tell you spent £700 plus to go to her wedding, as did everyone of her 'guest' and the least she could do is pay the £600 instead of expecting her family and friends to pay even more for her wedding.
And as for her birthday next be busy do not go. Other wise you will be forking out another £xXx for that. Then there will be children so baby shower, gift after the birth for her and the baby, then the christening and on and on it will go. And you can bet she will be expecting the most expensive items on her gift list.
oP please tell us you are not going to stump up for damage?
Dear God reading that made me livid.
if you don't say no now she's going to think she can ask for what ever she wants when ever she wants.
she should have taken out insurance to cover any damage.
I am sorry, this behaviour would make me think that bit less of her tbh.
Definitely not paying towards the damage!!
And yup, I think I might have to be busy when the 30th birthday arrives! There was talk about a trip to Sicily!!!! FFS! Me and my DH are hoping to get pregnant soon so with any luck I'll have the perfect excuse not to go!
I don't mean to be rude because your wedding does sound lovely, but please don't think those people saying it was the best wedding they've been to haven't said it to other people too. Your wedding is better and no worse than a big formal white wedding that has been considerately hosted.
The problem here is that the OP's "friend" has seen her friends as financiers of her wedding. You host a wedding. You pay at the minimum for food for your guests, even if you can't afford drink too. and you have something modest and commensurate with your budget.
And if you can't afford to have a 3 day extravaganza where you provide for your guests, then you don't have it. You don't go for an extravagance like that and then do it on the cheap, especially by passing costs on to your friends.
I thought she was bad enough and then I read she wants money for the deposit. I just can't.
Crummy how about, sorry I can't go to your birthday, I am still paying off going to your wedding
Aeroflotgirl that sounds like the perfect response!
😂😂😂 Seriously, her behaviour for her wedding, would really put me off her.
Ffs this has just cropped up on the sun online.
sonyaya I'm under no impression that my wedding was the best wedding ever don't worry
But 5 years on when people still go on about it (unprompted) I do believe that they had a great time and have fond memories of it.
I'm not saying big white formal affairs are bad or inferior either so sorry if I offended anyone. I just meant that trying too hard to do things a certain way is sometimes at the expensive of your guests and that does not make for a good time and quite often leaves a bitter taste.
I don't want to be too mean about her. They did provide the wedding breakfast (albeit pie and mash) and a fair bit of wine. I don't even mind most of it: the outfits, the 2 days annual leave, petrol, wedding gift, bringing food and drink, pitching in with the cooking and cleaning. It was the fact the rooms were so expensive (£150 can pay for a quite fancy hotel room with breakfast!) and that this was the cost as determined by my friend so that they could hire the house for free!
My sister just told me she and her fiancé are thinking of having a 3 day wedding in Cornwall!! I've begged her not to but she thinks it'll be really fun! When did people become so inconsiderate?! I don't remember being like this when we got married (although we did have a midweek wedding - eek!!)
Tell your DS that youll not be able to afford an expensive celebration.
Threads like this make me grateful I don't have friends
I am not sure why you cannot no to these things
My DS wants a camping glamping style wedding so it's not the expense so much as it being 3 bloody days long and in Cornwall when most of our friends and family are from the North East! It's just a lot to expect of people I think.
Our big day last year was midweek as we had our heart set on a certain venue and this was the only available day. I do feel a bit bad about that now! But we did at least pay for the venue, the food and all the drink. I'm going to have a reality check convo with my DS I think!!!
I am with you all the way OP and won't be going to any three day weddings but your thread is very identifiable and if I were you and you still wanted to be friends, I'd take it down.
It's really inconsiderate. Ds is just at the start of going to mates' weddings, last year a couple got married in Poland as it was so much cheaper. For them. Basically they just passed the cost of a fancy wedding onto their friends and relatives. It staggers me that anyone cannot see that.
He recently attended a stag do which cost hundreds and regretted it. So in the future they will be getting much more discerning as to which invitations they will be accepting which is a shame. Nobody minds spending some money on a wedding but it's become quite out of hand.
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