MIL hit DD (4) after being told repeatedly not to. NC against DH wishes?(295 Posts)
I've been wanting to post but have been shy because of judgement but I really need help as I am NC with my own family and DH isn't with me
I don't mind MIL but culturally we are not the same. She thinks it's okay to hit kids and for the most stupid bullshit, like "answering back" or spilling something if being told not to touch it. It's like she gets a thrill out of being a disciplinarian for the sake of it, as opposed to actually caring about raising a responsible healthy kid. She teases me all the time with comments like: "That shit couldn't have run in my house!" like it's a status symbol for your kids to be afraid of you. I grew up getting hit for reason, my mother was lazy and sadistic. I despise her now and we are NC after trying to be close for years.
I've never left DD alone with MIL once she hit 2 because I know what she's like. She can be lovely, but also ghetto (I come from a working class background I mean nothing by it) impatient and petty. I noticed the more DD developed a personality, MIL chastised her more. Last year I heard MIL say "stop that or I'll spank you". I was in the loo, DH was on a conference call. I came back and politely told her we don't ever do that, and even if we did, we's never extend it beyond our own discretion. She rolled her eyes and I really put my foot down and said nearly verbatim (obviously I can't recount word for word) "If you ever touch my child I won't have you around again because there'd be no trust and she isn't even naughty, you're just impatient and I'm sorry, but a little ghetto". I said the ghetto bit in a sort of jokey / serious tone that I can honestly say she didn't take offence to. We are from the same background and she knows what I mean.
On Friday MIL was with us in the living room being perfectly sweet, DD wanted an ice cream from the van outside. We all said no (no treats due to an earlier transgression). MIL was telling her no and to sit down and stop looking out the window like a puppy. DD turned around and said "I don't care" in tears and MIL got up, pulled up her skirt and gave her a huge smack on her bum. I thought she was getting up to take her from the window bay and appease her but she hit her! It happened in literally 3 seconds! I was up and grabbing my child and doing the obvious "how dare you's" but didn't want more of a scene as DD was clearly distressed (she's never been hit, or threatened to be hit). DH was trying to calm everything down after hearing the commotion and I went upstairs to calm DD down. MIL is downstairs saying I'm too soft when our DD is an ordinary child behaviour wise. What 4 year old doesn't have the odd cheeky come back? What 4 year old doesn't have the odd tantrum? I come downstairs and and grab her bag and jacket off the bannister and ask her nicely to leave so we can sort this out. DH is upset but thinks it's just a spank and he got loads when he was a kid and he turned out alright. We agreed together no spanking but somehow because it's his mother he feels like I'm being a bitch! Like she should get a pass! He conceded she will probably do it again if she see's fit so I said NC with DC!! No point having family around your kids and having to walk on eggshells because they have a fucked up flaw. He's saying NC with DC is ridiculous, she's not a pedophile etc......That's his mother etc....
I'd say you handled it well. I'd have hit the fucking bitch back. Ok, I wouldn't, but I'd have wanted to.
Where she comes from, in the past hitting children was OK. Here and now it us not. She and DH need to understand that. It is not about then and there it us about here and now.
She moves with the times or she is nc.
If a random stranger walked up to your DD in the street and hit her what would your DH do? If the answer is police then ask him why his mother gets a pass because she happens to be related.
I'm not suggesting police bit if be damned if that woman was given a second chance to hit my child.
I agree, no contact if she can't stick to your
This is awful-I would be so angry-ur poor dd. Can I ask tho-what does so ghetto mean??
I never get the argument
" it happened back in my day "
A lot of things happened back in the day, doesn't mean it's correct. How would your DH feel is your DM spanked DC? Or is it ok because it's his mum.
Firstly she was bang out of order to smack your dd. Any smacking the parents do it
However I do feel by reading your post you are far too easy going with her. For example. Your comment of. What 4 year old doesn't give cheek. Is very dismissive. Is that your attitude to her teachers.
There does need to be Consequences. Not smacking of course, but. Talking to her firmly.
I would be absolutely fucking furious.
I probably wouldn't go NC following a one off transgression though.
So your extreme option is to report her to the police for assult, she did not have permission and had been told in the past it wasn't acceptable, your less extreme option is to tell her that you won't be seeing her for a defined length of time and will only then see her again once she's reassured you that she won't do it again and applogises to DD, and if she does you will press charges as it's not her right. Going nc is a bit extreme imo unless she won't reassure you that it won't happen again, but I can understand it if she decides that ignoring you (and dp not backing you up) is acceptable.
My DD at age 3 stepgrandad did this once, till my DH told him if he did it again he'd be doing the same to him.
Hitting someone who can't hit back is just bullying horrible behaviour
I'd go NC too.
I don't know how you to do if if your DH disagrees though
I'd try to change his mind
It's not like you can even say no unsupervised visits or anything as you were there when she did it anyway!
Could you lessen visits to trips out in populated places and maybe she'll be reluctant to do it in front of people outside the family?
Although as I say I'd just go NC. She doesn't deserve to be accommodated like that iyswim. She knew your rules and did it anyway.
If DH says no tell him you'll call the police on her and see what he says?
No contact sounds like an overreaction but you definitely need to have a conversation with DH to ensure you are both in complete agreement about how to deal with this. I agree with you that no smacking or hitting is the right way to do things, finding other ways to discipline your child. Your MIL must respect the rules you lay down and this needs to be enforced by your DH too. So much research shows now how counterproductive physical punishment is, maybe find some evidence to back up your point of view, give your DH no room to argue. Then hopefully you'll be able to present a united front against MIL, and agree on the consequences for her if she continues to hit or threaten to hit your DD. Good luck
I would have hit the flaming roof and turfed her out. No no no no no no. Tell her to never lay a finger on your DC ever ever again. How would she like to smacked - its assault. Your DH needs to grow a pair, so unacceptable, his mother can not act like that. It is not defendable, it's bloody wrong. Don't let that woman anywhere near your DC.
I would go NC with her. She has deliberately hurt your DD. If your MIL did this to a child in the street, she would be arrested and charged with assault.
No way is this acceptable at all! But I have no clue what you mean by calling your MIL ghetto?
I don't think people would be saying you're over reacting if she'd hit you or an adult family member. I'm not sure why assaulting a child is a less serious offense?
She wouldn't be seeing my child again. She's dangerous.
I honestly would have pulled her skirt /trousers down and smacked her across the arse.
If your DH doesn't get behind you then you might like to consider why he puts his mother first and what that means, exactly.
no way would I ever let her near my child again. Show your husband this thread. He might realise you're right, you must have great self control to not have hit her back, what a bitch.
Yanbu, her slapping your dd doesn't seem like a momentary lapse of judgement ( not that it would make it ok) it seems like a calculated power play.
She slapped your dd to make a point, she is right - you're wrong. I wouldn't want to see her agin either.
If you're there then the 'discipline' wasn't her business anyway.
I think you and your DH need to tell her that it's not her role and if she can't accept that then she will not be welcome in your home again. And that no-one will be hitting your daughter again.
I think if your DH has grown up with that level of discipline from your MIL- he has justified and normalised it in his mind, whereas you were able to see it was wrong throughout your upbringing and have closed the door (quite rightly!) to your mother. Your DH probably thinks what is happening to your DC is normal- I would show him this thread! I would also definitely go NC with her- your poor child doesn't deserve to grow up with an abusive relative. If your DH can't see that then be careful he doesn't take your DC round there behind your back. Your DH hasn't turned out alright- he is enabling an abuser. Tell him you are considering pressing charges for assault and seeking a restraining order
What happened back in the day was that she decided to smack her own kid(s). She doesn't get to make that decision for yours!
Also pulling up her skirt-wtaf is that all about?
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