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AIBU?

To be a bit pissed off about this

99 replies

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:16

DH has gone away to stay with a very old close friend this weekend.
He always seems to get "dragged out" to this friend's various gay clubs and get stoned. He used to smoke a lot but hasn't for a number of years and no problem if he wants the odd puff or to have a social life.

He was supposed to be home at lunchtime today and said he would text this morning to let me know he was on his way.

3 o clock comes and no text so I rang him and he's still at mates which is fair enough but he decided to tell me that on Friday they went to a "sports fetish" club. I saw red at this and had a go! Basically its full of topless blokes in shorts snogging.

I wouldn't have a problem if they'd gone down the pub but these places are basically hunting grounds (his mate is very promiscuous.)
Anyway each to their own and I am generally a very live and let person but this leaves me feeling a bit pissed off. What could he get out of it, he doesn't drink etc? I was annoyed as he said he would ring to speak to DD this morning but didn't which hadn't helped my mood.

I now feel really guilty as the poor bloke is entitled to a social life. He's off out this week with work colleagues and I really don't care about that.
I don't want to control his life at all but it seems like he's chasing his old life where they went to these clubs all the time to pop pills etc.
I think its because these places are very sexualised that I feel this way. It would be the same if he went to a strip club I think.
What would you feel? Am I a control freak? Just need some perspective!

OP posts:

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Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 09/04/2017 17:23

Sorry but I would assume your dh actually enjoys and participates in these activities. .
Therefore he is a cheat. .
Unless you have agreed to these extramarital extras?

Babyroobs · 09/04/2017 17:25

Yanbu. Quite bizarre.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 17:25

Do you never think that your husband is bisexual, OP? It was the first thing that occurred to me. And yes, I'd be worried about cheating, too, particularly given the amount he's drinking when he's out.

Sisinisawa · 09/04/2017 17:26

He must be bisexual and getting something out of it.
Generally heterosexual men don't go to gay clubs as it makes them uncomfortable.

Pollydonia · 09/04/2017 17:27

I too wondered if your dh was bisexual?

LostMyDotBrain · 09/04/2017 17:28

Is your DH bisexual? Because if he is I really wouldn't be comfortable with him going to these places and if he isn't I'd wonder why he wants to. Because most straight blokes would say to their gay mates "er, sorry Barry but that really isn't my cup of tea."

LostMyDotBrain · 09/04/2017 17:28

Is your DH bisexual? Because if he is I really wouldn't be comfortable with him going to these places and if he isn't I'd wonder why he wants to. Because most straight blokes would say to their gay mates "er, sorry Barry but that really isn't my cup of tea."

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:28

I really don't think he participates, I just feel that I have no right to dictate what he does socially. His friend is an old friend - they grew up together so I feel I'm out of order. I've felt uneasy for a while about it- I wish he and this friend would just have a night at the pub. I think its just the seediness I don't like. And DH does seem to always want to "fit in"

OP posts:

Littlelegs19 · 09/04/2017 17:28

Can I be honest? I'm going to be honsest, sorry.... if my DH visited gay fetish clubs I would wonder if there was something he wasn't telling me. I personally don't know many none straight men that would go in to a gay fetish club. My DH goes to the pub or into London drinking with a good friend of his every now and then and I don't stop him as he is intitled to a social life but I like to know when he gets there and when he is in the cab or train on the way home so I know he is safe

ALemonyPea · 09/04/2017 17:29

Same as Wish, I think your DH must be partaking in it, otherwise why would he go there?

Do you think he is doing anything, apart from popping pills while he is there Op?

CaoNiMartacus · 09/04/2017 17:33

Yeah... If it quacks like a duck, etc.

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:34

Thanks for replies. We've been together 10 years and have a 6 year old dd, if he is bisexual he's obviously chosen me if you know what I mean.
Would you guys feel uncomfortable? Am I being controlling?
I dont know why he cant tell his friend that he'd prefer a game of pool but was I wrong to lose it with him? I've never had a go before although I have questioned why he goes...he just says that its his best mate.
On his stag night (we got married 6 months ago) this friend and some others made him wear a pair of gold hot pants in a pub. (We live in a very small market town -with 1 gay bar - his friend lives in Manchester so its very different) and I thought ffs why is it always about what his mate wants or should I get over it?

OP posts:

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/04/2017 17:40

""Generally heterosexual men don't go to gay clubs as it makes them uncomfortable.""

I've known plenty of heterosexual men that are happy to go to ordinary Gay Clubs.

However, not fetish clubs. OP he seems to have convinced you that this is normal behaviour.

I'll bet that he doesn't 'get dragged out' to these places. More like his visits to this 'very close friend' are his release.

LostMyDotBrain · 09/04/2017 17:43

Best mate or not OP, your DP shouldn't be so happy to take himself off to fetish venues without any prior agreement between him and his wife. And that's regardless of his sexuality and the sexuality the fetish venue targets.

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:44

Thank you- yes ordinary gay clubs- sometimes there is a big bunch of them that go (and ladies too) and that hasn't really bothered me - it was this sports fetish thing that really made feel NO! Just no! But now I feel guilty cos its his best mate and he will think that I've got him under the thumb! Which really isn't the case....

OP posts:

muckypup73 · 09/04/2017 17:50

I think like others he maybe bi sexual,have you heard of some people who have been married for 30 odd years and then come out the closet?

TheHobbitMum · 09/04/2017 17:51

Something doesn't seem right at all, if my DH was enjoying going to fetish clubs there is a reason for or it. I would be seriously thinking he is bisexual and enjoying these visits, a fetish club is completely different to a gay bar, sorry OP

FiveShelties · 09/04/2017 17:51

I don't think for a second his best mate will think you have him under the thumb - he probably knows him much better than you do.

I would be asking some serious questions if I were you.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2017 17:51

What's a sports fetish club misses the point

Seriously I'd find it weird yes. I'm sorry but I'd also assume your partner is bi sexual and something is going on here. Straight men do go to gay bars but not really gay fetish clubs and not regularly, so something is very off in his behaviour.

He's going because he wants to. The question is why does he want to and I doubt that's simply because he wants to be a good friend.

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 17:53

Your husband is in the closet. Maybe just to you, sounds like his mates are in on it.

SaveMeBarry · 09/04/2017 17:54

Op you're very concerned about what DH and his friend will think of you but I think you're possibly being very, very naive here. What do you think of them/their friendship?

Plenty of gay and straight men are friends of course but it would be more than a little unusual that all their socialising takes place in gay bars and clubs. I'm afraid I can't think of any straight guy I know being comfortable going to the type of fetish place you've described. I also can't see the gay men I know bringing a straight friend there.

merlynsam · 09/04/2017 17:56

this friend and some others made him wear a pair of gold hot pants in a pub

No they didn't make him. Your DH agreed to/participated in this behaviour.

My DH would never wear gold hotpants even for a laugh; a million pounds or anything else. I suspect your DH enjoys the gay fetish scene. He clearly forgets he is a husband and father when he is with this particular gay friend and his mates.

araiwa · 09/04/2017 17:57

ive been to gay bars and im not gay

he goes because thats where friend goes or is he not allowed gay friends?

Totallyblurred · 09/04/2017 17:57

I know plenty of men that go to gay clubs
My dad and partner included, we all go together if on a night out.
I go to gay clubs with my friends on most nights out. I generally feel safer in them and the vibes a lot better and hardly ever any trouble. I'm 100% straight.
However, fetish clubs. No. Never even knew there was such a thing.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/04/2017 18:00

I don't understand this - presumably your DH's mate can go to these places all the time. So why, when a supposedly straight friend is with him, can't he go on a normal mixed/straight night out just once in a while.

I agree with others - I can only assume that your DH enjoys it himself.

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