Do I need to give my head a shake?

[overwhelmedlaura]

Hello
Probably just having a whinge. Feeling low. Really low. I have 2 dc, 3.5y dd and 14m ds. I work 4 days at a reasonably stressful professional job. DH self employed so flexible but any time away from work or not at his best costs us money - same goes for me but it's not as directly noticeable.
Since ds has been born I've felt constantly overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, generally sorry for myself. I am on the go from 6-630am til 9pm ish. I feel guilty I don't spend enough time with the kids. The house is always a mess although I spend ages tidying / cleaning. We have a cleaner once a fortnight. Small house constantly too cluttered. Trying to sell up and upgrade.
I do 90% housework. Ds still up in the night most nights. I do 90% of night wakings. When I ask DH to do it he does but by the time I have nudged him awake I am awake too. He lets me lie in 1-2 mornings at the weekend which is ace. He also generally drives if we go out for tea so I get 2 beers or so.
Today he's said he's sick of driving cause I had two beers with dinner. I've been teary all day and half enjoyed talking to my friend we met. He said he's struggling too and we should be in it together. I've always understood that was part of the bargain of me doing so much and him so little around the house. Now I feel mad. Am I selfish? I know I am so so lucky with what we have. I struggle with the kids all the time. Dd is very very hard work. Not potty trained properly, I think she may have ADHD she's so difficult plus I never get a full nights sleep. I'm so run down. Should I be trying harder? I feel so overwhelmed. 😢

[NapQueen]

Yanbu at all.

Id sit with him and offer 50% of the chances for a beer and no driving and 50% of the lie ins in return for 50% of the childcare, 50% of the housework and 50% night wakings.

[DesignedForLife]

You say you've felt depressed since DS was born, have you been assessed for post natal depression? It's jolly hard work with two little ones, especially so close together, exhaustion and stress can be normal, but being depressed isn't.

You also need to have a word with DH and get him to do more to help around the house. You both work so he needs to do his fair share.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

""Since ds has been born I've felt constantly overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, generally sorry for myself.""

Are you being treated for depression or Anxiety, would it be worth having a chat with the GP?

As said above, you need a sit down chat with your DH, because things aren't working for you.

This might seem trivial, but can you de-clutter in any way and sort out proper storage for what you actually need? It makes a massive difference.

Just hang on to the thought that this is probably the worse bit, things will improve.

[overwhelmedlaura]

Thank you. I've been fighting for 50/50 housework for ages and think I've just given up.
I've been on anti-ds since ds was 5 months old. Keep thinking I should go back to the docs. Clearly they're not working. I don't take them as much as I should my memory is shocking.

[overwhelmedlaura]

Thanks birds. I did some decluttering when we were preparing to move but then it fell through. We are just really short on room. I get about 3 hours a week in the house alone which is golden and I do the best I can doing jobs which are hard to do when kids are around.

[xStefx]

Op is there any way ( I don't know your financial situation so forgive me) but if you are struggling at the moment can you afford to go to 3 days a week instead.
The reason I ask is because I had PTSD after a stressful miscarriage brought on my hyperemesis and I was struggling so much to manage everyday life and my mental health was really starting to suffer. I knew we would struggle for a bit but manage and also knew I was going to crumble if something didn't give ( temporarily). So I cut my hours and arranged for a friend to have my dd once a week for an hour while I did a class and I started to feel soooo much better.
I'm sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree ,I just wanted to make a suggestion xx sending hugs x

[overwhelmedlaura]

Stef that would of be great! We maybe could afford it in the short term (I am main breadwinner) but I'm up for promotion and very much doubt work would go for it. It's rare in my job to work less than 5+ days and I'm lucky I don't do a major amount of overtime. Been taking some annual leave carried over from mat leave to have the odd 'me' day but I can't keep dong that!

[FourToTheFloor]

I work ft and have a 6yo and 18mo and same deal as you, I do 90% around the house and I do all night wakings for dd2 but dh does dd1 (the odd toilet run!).

I prioritise napping when dd2 does. We are out most weekends but after her nap so I can sleep. Dh gets a sleep in Saturday and Sunday as he needs his rest too.

I wfh a few days which helps massively, could you do that?

[overwhelmedlaura]

Thanks. I do wfh occasionally it's not always easy and possible. But yes it helps to do the odd job around the house and for pick up and drop offs. I guess I already see myself as part time so should be finding things easier.